I need advice

[KaneAndrew]

So, I've come out as FtM to my closest friends, and my younger sister. But I haven't pursued my transition due to my mother. I've tried bringing up "hypothetic" scenarios, to which she has responded, "I wouldn't disown any of you, but I wouldn't feel comfortable around you at all." I was a chicken and used a generalized example involving both myself and my older brother and younger sister.

It took me nearly 30 years to understand what's been going on and why I've never felt like myself. And now that I do, I want nothing more than to see it through and BE my true self. But my father died when I was 9, and I don't know if I could handle losing the extremely close relationship I have with my mother.

Any and all advice/criticism/etc is openly welcomed.

[SailorMars1994]

Try maybe to build a more masculine look more each time you see her!. In my transition i have relized one thing. never judge a book by its cover. My 77 year old very catholic grand father who is conservative was super supportive of me. He admitted he doesnt get it, but tries and listens to me and he i think went to, or was going to go to transgender work shops to understand. Where as my 26 year old cousin who is an atheist and a progressive in terms of politics aswell as open towards gay people (assuming i am not among them) was trying super hard to convince me i am a ''man'' and i am not transgender at all and that i am not even bi, just a straight manly man. Its always the ones you least suspect that will suprise ya!

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. There is no sure thing in the transition but you have the advantage of time to educate your mother. It may take months before you are presenting full time and in that time your mother will be able to adjust. Dealing with our issues has the additional advantage that we become better adjusted and it shows in our dealings with other people. Often people like us better as we transition because our anger and moodiness fades while we become more comfortable with ourself. I would suggest coming out, starting therapy, then shift your image with different clothes and haircut.

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[SailorMars1994]

Agree with Dena! i may also add, at first my own mom wasnt too big on me being trans, but not too long after i came out she became my best advocate. She even self educated herself on trans-stuff and transgender people and there lives!

[Lily Rose]

"I wouldn't disown any of you, but I wouldn't feel comfortable around you at all."

  i am the last person to give advice on this since, i am probably a bigger chicken than you lol. that statement seems to me "i hope not" and doubt you would lose your relationship.

  please do not trust me though. just wanted to put it out there.

[Raell]

Sailor has a point..maybe you can sort of ease into it.

If you are on T, it won't be long before you can't hide transition evidence, and will have to come out anyway.

If you can, gather a few family member as allies to back you up. Remember, it will likely be a shock to her and she will have to grieve losing a daughter, so it might take some adjustment time.

Maybe if you are matter of fact about coming out to her, she'll accept it. But if she starts saying hurtful things, you could say something neutral like "I'm sorry you feel that way, but of course I must true to myself to be happy," or some such thing.
If she becomes even more verbally abusive you can say something like "OK, it was great seeing you, but I have to get to an appointment now. Bye! I love you!" and just leave.

Most women throw fits to get their way, or as a means of controlling people, so if she sees that your gender presentation is not negotiable, and that you aren't going to let anything she says change things, she might resign herself more quickly.

[KaneAndrew]

Thank you, all of you. And I trust any opinion given, because its an opinion and you're giving me the advice I came here for. So I incredibly grateful to all of you.

I think my issue is more my own brain. Because when I first introduced her to an FtM friend years ago, she was very rude about them and flat out said she would disown me then. She HAS come so very far, given how she herself was raised. Went to catholic school, my grandmother was very religious, so it all goes against her beliefs. Given that, she HAS become a very strong advocate for me in the 13 years since I came out. I often spend too much time over thinking and am just terrified of losing my only parent. I haven't started T yet, but have been researching and talking with friends and my girlfriend about the next steps so that I'm as informed as I can be, and can answer any questions when I do finally work up the courage. I've always carried myself in a more masculine way. She's just always telling me how I was the one she tried hardest for out of us 3 kids, and she wanted a daughter more than anything.

[KaneAndrew]

Just wanted to update everyone, even though it's been 4 months or so since I initially posted.

I came out to my mother shortly after receiving everyone's advice here, and it's been a very slow progression, but she's trying. It went horrible at first, but she's slowly coming around. I started T this week and have been in therapy for about a month.

I want to thank those of you who offered words and advice again. It really did help.