My husband came out as transgender now what?

[Dena]

For the most part, we understand that there are some feeling that a spouse can't change just as we can't change our need to transition. If the spouse is bi or willing to settle for a friendship relationship, it works. If not, a divorce is the only solution.

[Steph Eigen]

Jean,
This is not a system, therefore not a broken system. While there are various documents that set standards of care for management of transition, your husband has not really arrived at that point.  I urge you not to look for an external "system" or "society" to blame, rather to try to understand the genesis and reality of the situation your husband is facing now with you.  While I am particularly sensitive to the implications of disclosure and coming out to family and spouse, something I was able to avoid needing to do in my own situation, I also realize that this is probably the overwhelming exception rather than the rule.

What you are going through is the shock of the discovery that things are not what they appeared for a very long time.  I assure you, while appearing to be in a state of status quo, equilibrium, normalcy or whatever term one may choose to use, your husband has been suffering with this reality, suppressing it to the best of his abilities for many years. 

I hate to use the illness metaphor since being TG is not an illness; all the same, this metaphor  will help make my point.The illness is NOT being TG, the illness is the struggle felt in the individual between the physical body, social roles, and lack of self realization caused by the submersion of the true gender identity.  All of this leading to the beast known as gender dysphoria.

If your husband were to have a typical medical  illness, injury or needed an operation that resulted in a chang in the basis of your relationship, how would you react to and cope with that change?  I doubt you would have the same reaction you do to the disclosure that he is TG.  As I tried to point out in an earlier post, the needs of each individual facing this reality end up to be particular to that individual.  For most of us with so called "late onset," which really means "late to confront actual gender," the need to transition can be extremely intense.  Without confronting the situation and treating accordingly, commensurate with the intensity of the gender dysphoria present, usually by means of some form of  male to female transition, there is a very high rate of depression and suicide.  It is tempting to react to this situation arguing something along the lines of:  "Why does he want to do this now?  How could this improve his life?  (and the classic:)  Why would this guy want to become a middle aged woman?"  The point is this:  He is not choosing to do this, he needs to do this.  It is a need not a want.  He has a bona fide  medical need to pursue transition to treat the gender dysphoria resulting from the incongruity between his physical sex and socialized gender role as a man and his internal feminine gender identity.

Read this brief piece by A. Vitale, a gender therapist.   This give an excellent insight into the phenomenon of the late onset type MtF TG.  I can speak to the description of the type 3 presentation, as the description of the illustrative case is almost exactly me just short of lying on the office floor in a fetal position in panic:

http://www.thegenderedself.com/TGSintroduction.pdf

Most accept that the internal gender identification is not a matter of choice.  This consensus has been based on a number of data including structural brain imaging showing characteristically female structural findings in MtF TG individuals.  There is the intrauterine DES exposure literature as well that explains the genesis of ->-bleeped-<- in many MtF individuals whose mothers were treated with the drug during pregnancy prior to its removal from use by the FDA in the 1970's.

Please try to understand his situation.  I can assure you there is much empathy here for the situation you face.  It does not change the reality that your husband is TG and will need to find a path to successfully continue his life.  I hope the two of you can grow together struggling through this difficult time.

[Cailan Jerika]

This is not a shock of disclosure. I've known for 18 years, and watched him slowly transition some of his behavior. He recently decided to get an orchi and start HRT, but it was no shock. I've known this was coming for several years now.

Also, from my understanding, being transgender is not necessarily binary, it's a spectrum, with people who are happy at varying levels of transition to the gender of their inner self.

Also, my husband is not late-onset. He has known since he was young. He saw a TV documentary about sex change operations in the early 1970s and that was when he knew what he was. He hid it carefully after his father beat him for wearing women's stockings at about age 11. It was the only time in his life he was ever beaten by his father.

[Raell]

I lived as a hetero female most of my life, and saw that perspective, although my male side was alive as well, although suppressed.

Females marry for different reasons than men do. I sure did.
They want:

1. protection
2. financial support
3. increased status
4. family and social approval
5. healthy DNA traits for children

Women expect to run things in the marriage; husbands usually don't dare lift a finger without their permission, as women decide everything. The husband's salary is turned over to her. The husband is the one buying jewelry, beautiful clothes, and flowers for the wife.
The husband takes the wife out to dinner, takes her dancing, puts her first at all times.

When a supposed husband suddenly declares himself a woman, then most of these advantages vanish.

1. Instead of gaining protection, the wife will now be seen as lesbian and could incur attacks from religious fanatics.
2. family finances might be diverted to therapy, make-overs, jewelry, new wardrobes, shoes, operations, etc, for the transitioning spouse, possibly bankrupting family finances
3. Family and social approval could turn to ridicule and pity
4. grown children could disapprove, and stay away

If the husband is now a woman, who is in charge? Most women won't let go of the power and might feel threatened when their formerly obedient spouses develop new friends and interests, become increasingly independent.
Now, their dinner dates will look like lesbian outings and former friends might shun them.

Many/most women count the cost and decide it's not worth it, so get divorced. According to the posts I read on this forum, this is often as much a relief for the transitioning husband as the wife, as they now are free to express their female natures without having to placate their disapproving wives, have their own apartments, decorate as they please, etc.

[aaajjj55]

That's not the way it works. I keep hearing it from those who are transitioning, but from the other side, it's not the same at all. Basically, what's being said is that YOU are the only thing that matters, and take it or leave it.

In order to maintain a relationship between a spouse and a transitioning person, you're insisting that the spouse gives up everything he or she is inside, his or her own needs, to accommodate the every need of the person who is transitioning.

I apologise if what I am about to say causes offence but JeanR has touched on a very important point.  I confessed my transgender feelings to my wife after nearly 20 years of marriage (in my case, the confession centred on cross dressing and the feeling that I wished I'd been female but not, as in the case of the OP's husband, a desire to transition).  Was this something I'd suddenly realised?  Of course not!

Throughout my marriage, I'd been struggling with the fluctuating desire to be female - sometimes overwhelming, sometimes just a nagging thought.  Prior to marriage, I'd experimented with cross dressing on various occasions.  Looking back to my childhood, I'd wanted to play with the girls at school and, at night, had often been a girl in my dreams so the writing had very much been on the wall from an early age.

So why did I confess?  Quite simply because I was becoming increasingly fearful of being found out.  Did I consider my wife's feelings when confessing?  Again, of course not!  And because of that, I blew her life apart firstly as, all of a sudden, she realised I was not the man she thought she was marrying and secondly as I had effectively deceived her for nearly 20 years.  Among many of the points she made at the time, she said that if she'd known at the outset, she wouldn't have married me.

So why didn't I tell her before we married - quite simply, I was ashamed of the way I felt and also, thanks to the rush of love/passion that is a feature of the early stages of a relationship, I thought I'd been 'cured'.  This, in my view is the critical point.  None of us choose to have transgender feelings but what we do about them is, purely and simply, a choice.  Choices sometimes have adverse consequences - in my case, being open and honest would have finished the relationship but keeping quiet caused unimaginable emotional pain to my wife.  To be controversial, unfortunately I, and many others in similar situations, approached this from a very male point of view; yes, in varying degrees we feel, or want to be, female but we have lived our lives as males for several decades and that will inevitably shape our approach to life.  It is this that I think JeanR has articulated so well.

The 'lightbulb' moment for me in all of this was when I stopped to think how I would feel if I was a non-TG male and my wife suddenly confessed that she'd always wished she was male and had now got to the point where she wanted to become male (this was not exactly what I confessed to her but it was what she feared as a progression from what I did confess to).  Yes, s/he would be the same person I married inside but would I be prepared to carry on an intimate relationship with 'him' as a man?  Would I want to be seen holding hands in public?  Would I enthusiastically embrace the changes?  Would I even want to continue a marriage which was originally based not only on an emotional bond but also on sexual attraction (putting it crudely 'fancying' her)?  I'm afraid that the answer is 'no' to every question and we, in the transgender community, have to accept that, whilst we do not choose to be the way we are, what we do thereafter is a choice but we cannot automatically expect those around us to embrace, or even accept, every choice we make.  If we choose to marry without disclosing our TG feelings then the choice is simple - keep quiet for the rest of our lives and live with the anxieties of surpression and fear of being caught or confess at some time with all of the consequences that that can bring.

I would also like to pick up on one other issue that has surfaced in this thread - the choice of gender pronoun.  As a rule, I think it is absolutely right that we use the female pronouns when referring to MTFs and the male pronouns when referring to FTMs.  However, the exception is in the 'Significant Others' threads.  The original poster in this thread is obviously very distressed that her husband has confessed to being trangender after several years of marriage and the use of female pronouns when referring to her husband in replies just feels insensitive as if we're saying 'your husband is TG, get over it'.  Once again, we have to be more sensitive to the feelings of the spouse, even if it's not our own.

To close, I am sorry if any of you found any of these views offensive as I certainly don't wish to offend anyone.  I have a huge amount of respect for this community which, over the past six months has helped me come to terms with my own situation. 

Amanda

[jentay1367]

Generally speaking, we are lousy husbands, but given the chance, we are loving and supportive spouses. When we tell our wives and they deal with what they perceive as the betrayal aspect, they have three choices.....

1.Prove their true love for you and find a way to make it all work.

2. Prove their true love for you and and divorce you in an adult way because unfortunately, this could never work for them.

3. Prove they never really cared for you at all and become raging bitches while making you pay and pay and pay and pay...financially, emotionally, psychologically and socially, proving they only loved a concept of you that met a narrow socially constricted ideal and never actually who you are.  In this scenario, both parties prove something, you were never her husband and she was never you wife. Everyone was playing a role. Ironically, in the end, you both win.

[Eva Marie]

here is what gets me, i knew this guy, am married to him for years, didnt see this really.

im looking back and i dont see it. except him being kinky in the bedroom with toys, and his bi experiences as a younger boy. maybe were signs...

now he comes out and says. hey i want to be a womn, i want to wear makeup and have a sex change and im a lesbian.

where did this come from? how did he hide it from me so well for years and years. he was a guy.. a guys guy when i married him. where did that person go.

im baffled. i feel like he had a stroke And now there is this other person im talking to.

Hi home4u-

I think that I can speak to this question based on my own experience.

What you saw from her was essentially a very good acting job - she acted like a man because it was expected of her and the costs of anyone finding out she wasn't a man were absolutely unimaginable (ie: possibly lose marriage, job, kids, friends).

In the world that a man lives in any hint of femininity coming from a guy is dealt with harshly by other guys. It is considered shameful and weak by other guys and it is a lesson that boys learn early - ie: boys don't cry, and if you do you'll find yourself beaten up and excluded. Carrying these expectations to "man up" resulted in a unbearable amount of shame and guilt that she has had to carry all of her life.

In my case I knew that I was different and I had it forcefully pointed out to me on the playground in 1st grade. I figured out that acting as my authentic self would only cause me abuse, but if I acted like the other boys I would be accepted and the abuse would stop. So for 50 years I too carried on a charade - I acted like a dude, I got married (for 27 years), I had children, I owned a business, I engaged in risky sports, and almost drank myself to death in the process - and no one knew. My gender dysphoria eventually became unbearable and at 50 I transitioned.

My ex never saw it coming and neither did anyone else. My life depended on me being an impeccable actor impersonating a dude and I was very, very good at it. But it wasn't the real me.

As far as your other questions - some good advice was already given and I won't belabor what was already said except to add that your spouse thought that she could dude up and overpower it. She can't - this is biological, a medical condition, a birth condition - it is not a choice as so many people want to believe.

I would suggest that above all else you communicate, communicate, communicate - be open and honest and don't stifle your feelings - get it out there so that it can be dealt with.

I would also suggest that you make your own decisions as far as what YOU want to do and not what society tells you that you should do. You married a person and that person is still there - you might find that once she transitions you'll like her much more than the fake, angry, depressed person she was pretending to be.

~Eva

[Paige]

The 'lightbulb' moment for me in all of this was when I stopped to think how I would feel if I was a non-TG male and my wife suddenly confessed that she'd always wished she was male and had now got to the point where she wanted to become male.

Hi Amanda,

I think the flip side of this argument is to ask your wife how she would have felt to be born male but everything in her fabric told her she was female.  How would she feel to be told this was a perversion or a mental illness.  How would she feel to be beaten and scolded for showing the least bit of femininity?  How would she feel when friends and family openly mocked people who had the same issue?  Would she try to fit in?  Would she make sure not to give away this deep secret worried that it could make her a social outcast?  What would she do if she went for medical help and was basically mocked?

I think we easily forget how times have changed and how much still needs to change.

Take care,
Paige

[aaajjj55]

Hi Amanda,

I think the flip side of this argument is to ask your wife how she would have felt to be born male but everything in her fabric told her she was female.  How would she feel to be told this was a perversion or a mental illness.  How would she feel to be beaten and scolded for showing the least bit of femininity?  How would she feel when friends and family openly mocked people who had the same issue?  Would she try to fit in?  Would she make sure not to give away this deep secret worried that it could make her a social outcast?  What would she do if she went for medical help and was basically mocked?

I think we easily forget how times have changed and how much still needs to change.

Take care,
Paige

Dear Paige

Before replying, I hope that home4u, the original poster, will forgive us for widening the scope of her post but I think the debates we are having will help her understand her both her husband's situation and how she should respond and come to terms with the situation.

I think you raise a very valid point.  I was never beaten & scolded and have not sought medical help but I can relate to a greater or lesser degree to the remaining scenarios you describe.  However, I have to balance that with the amount of hurt and upset I caused my wife by not being honest with her sooner in our marriage, or better still, before we married.  Telling her a lot sooner would either have finished the relationship or she may have turned out to be tolerant of the situation.  Either way, it would have given me a mandate to be myself.  As it was, regardless of whether my motives were justified or not, I withheld information about this side of me for nearly two decades by which time we had kids, a life together based on trust and all of the trappings that two decent careers bring.  At that point, walking away from the marriage becomes a lot more difficult for both parties with the result that the wife not only feels trapped but also has to watch as the man she loves 'disappears' before her eyes (I know that there's the argument that it's only a superficial change and the person inside is still the same but there's enough feedback from hurt spouses on this site to demonstrate that that argument is often tenuous at best).

The problem here is that nature has dealt us, and I include home4u's husband in this, a 'bum' hand.  Every fibre in my body wishes I had been born female and that I wouldn't have had to have lived with the feelings I have for over 50 years.  As a compromise, I'd settle for being completely and happily male.  However, we are what we are and I am in awe of the other members of this community who have been brave enough to stand up and be true to themselves.  However, I do think that we have two faults - one is that we invariably leave it too long before confronting our issues and the other is that when we do, we often don't give nearly enough consideration to those around us and how they will feel not only about the fact that their partner is transgender but also that they have been (in their view) deceived.  I certainly didn't and now have to either accept the consequences or ignore them and risk blowing apart my family. 

Your final sentence is spot on - we've come a long way (particularly in Europe, I would add) but much still needs to change.  However, I do wonder when we will hit the proverbial wall here - even in our utopian world where we have absolute gender equality, complete tolerance of an individual's right to choose where they will live on the gender spectrum, non-sensational reporting of gender transition etc. etc., we will still have to deal with the fact that reproduction normally requires on male and one female parent and that, in turn, normally requires a relationship based on sexual attraction and that, I fear is where things will continue to break down for millennia to come - in other words the 'nimby' (not in my back yard) mentality - we need motorways but don't build them near my house; we support the rights of the transgender community as long as my wife/husband doesn't expect to be included!

Let's also remember, with apologies to the FTM community, that we're dealing with men here who will continue to keep secrets, say one thing while doing another, be economical with the truth and expect everyone to fall in with what they want to do - and I should know!

Amanda

[aaajjj55]

What you saw from her was essentially a very good acting job - she acted like a man because it was expected of her and the costs of anyone finding out she wasn't a man were absolutely unimaginable (ie: possibly lose marriage, job, kids, friends).

Eva,

Again with apologies to home4u for widening the scope of her thread, I don't think this is the whole picture.

Firstly, can I congratulate you on what you have achieved.  What you have gone through in your life sounds horrible but to have the bravery to deal with it at 50 when so many of us just shrug our shoulders and think 'too much to lose' is inspirational.  You also look great on your avatar.

My situation is different.  I am not a woman trapped in a man's body and I have not been putting on an act for the last 50+ years.  I have male hobbies, am sexually attracted to women, have never felt uncomfortable being male and have never (to my knowledge) given any outside signs of my TG feelings.  However, I crave the female lifestyle; I look at a woman in the street and wish that I was her, I wish that wearing female clothing was a daily routine rather than an occasional furtive passtime, I wish I could look in the mirror and see a female face looking back, I wish I could sit down socially with other women and discuss soft issues such as relationships and I'd love to be able to turn my back on many of the less attractive indicators of maleness that I'm expected to conform to  This, I believe, often referred to as social dysphoria.

In many respects, this makes 'living the lie' a lot easier.  Yes, I'm having to surpress the cravings but at least I don't have the hatred of my body that comes with 'body dysphoria' to contend with.  However, it also helps put off the thorny issue of transition, at least until the whole things boils over as it has now obviously done with home4u's husband.

Amanda

p.s. home4u - you have been bombarded with a lot of opinions and I hope that you are able to sift through them and formulate a strategy that will work for you.  As Eva Marie said in her penultimate paragraph, above all else you need to 'communicate, communicate, communicate, be open and honest and don't stifle your feelings'.  However your husband feels, whatever he plans for the future, this is as much about you as it is about him.  He invited you into his life, married you and fathered your children and your voice has a right to be heard.  In many respects, you have a simple choice - stay and support him through his transition or terminate the relationship.  If you do decide to terminate the relationship, then he will need a friend more than ever and, if you can find it in your heart to be that friend, I am sure you will both benefit as a result.

[Paige]

Dear Paige

Before replying, I hope that home4u, the original poster, will forgive us for widening the scope of her post but I think the debates we are having will help her understand her both her husband's situation and how she should respond and come to terms with the situation.

I think you raise a very valid point.  I was never beaten & scolded and have not sought medical help but I can relate to a greater or lesser degree to the remaining scenarios you describe.  However, I have to balance that with the amount of hurt and upset I caused my wife by not being honest with her sooner in our marriage, or better still, before we married.  Telling her a lot sooner would either have finished the relationship or she may have turned out to be tolerant of the situation.  Either way, it would have given me a mandate to be myself.  As it was, regardless of whether my motives were justified or not, I withheld information about this side of me for nearly two decades by which time we had kids, a life together based on trust and all of the trappings that two decent careers bring.  At that point, walking away from the marriage becomes a lot more difficult for both parties with the result that the wife not only feels trapped but also has to watch as the man she loves 'disappears' before her eyes (I know that there's the argument that it's only a superficial change and the person inside is still the same but there's enough feedback from hurt spouses on this site to demonstrate that that argument is often tenuous at best).

The problem here is that nature has dealt us, and I include home4u's husband in this, a 'bum' hand.  Every fibre in my body wishes I had been born female and that I wouldn't have had to have lived with the feelings I have for over 50 years.  As a compromise, I'd settle for being completely and happily male.  However, we are what we are and I am in awe of the other members of this community who have been brave enough to stand up and be true to themselves.  However, I do think that we have two faults - one is that we invariably leave it too long before confronting our issues and the other is that when we do, we often don't give nearly enough consideration to those around us and how they will feel not only about the fact that their partner is transgender but also that they have been (in their view) deceived.  I certainly didn't and now have to either accept the consequences or ignore them and risk blowing apart my family. 

Your final sentence is spot on - we've come a long way (particularly in Europe, I would add) but much still needs to change.  However, I do wonder when we will hit the proverbial wall here - even in our utopian world where we have absolute gender equality, complete tolerance of an individual's right to choose where they will live on the gender spectrum, non-sensational reporting of gender transition etc. etc., we will still have to deal with the fact that reproduction normally requires on male and one female parent and that, in turn, normally requires a relationship based on sexual attraction and that, I fear is where things will continue to break down for millennia to come - in other words the 'nimby' (not in my back yard) mentality - we need motorways but don't build them near my house; we support the rights of the transgender community as long as my wife/husband doesn't expect to be included!

Let's also remember, with apologies to the FTM community, that we're dealing with men here who will continue to keep secrets, say one thing while doing another, be economical with the truth and expect everyone to fall in with what they want to do - and I should know!

Amanda

Hi Amanda,

I get the feeling you're feeling very guilty about hiding being transgender from your wife but you seem to dismiss the pain and heart ache you yourself have been put through by society's transphobia.   Your pain is just as valid as your wife's.  Relationships fall apart all the time but for some reason hiding being transgender is treated like the ultimate betrayal.

Just to give you some background, I have lived with my wife for 30 years.  She knew almost from the start, but I thought I could get over it.  Was I dishonest?  Yes I fell off the wagon numerous times and didn't always tell her.  As I said I thought I could work through this.  As most of us found out that's next to impossible.  But here's the thing we've had a pretty good relationship for 30 years.    We've raised two great daughters.   She's been very happy for most of it. 

Do I deserve a medal for this?  No. But to think this was an ultimate betrayal ignores the fact that she's had a very good life for 30 years while being transgender was constantly tearing at my soul.  I know many people who've had crappy relationships that would love to have a relationship that was as good and lasted as long as ours. 

Did she get everything she every wanted. No of course not, very few people ever do.  But she got what she signed on for a loyal, caring husband for 30 years.  That doesn't sound like a betrayal to me.  It sounds like someone putting everyone else ahead of their own needs.

We may have to take different paths in the future because I may transition and she doesn't want that in a relationship, but that doesn't negate all we've accomplished and the good times we've had together. 

Hope your day is going well.
Paige

[aaajjj55]

Paige - yes I do feel very guilty about hiding the truth from my wife but I think that this is as a consequence of the reaction I got when I came out to her.  If she had said 'great, let's go shopping together', there would have been no guilt (but of course there would have been regret about not coming out sooner).  From my point of view, your conscience should be clear as you did disclose to your wife early in your relationship and, reading between the lines, on several subsequent occasions.

As you quite rightly say, we all know that successfully surpressing these feelings is next to impossible and I think that it's important for SOs to understand this; it's obviously their prerogative to walk away from the marriage if they wish but if they do decide to stand by their spouse then support rather than persecution will give far more fulfilling results to both sides.  From my own experience, having an unsupportive spouse just drives the feelings back into the proverbial closet where the pressure builds up over time.  As we know, boilers need safety valves to deal with the pressure or they just blow up and my dilemma is whether I should re-confess or go back to stealth mode for as long as that provides emotional relief and this boils down to whether the fear of discovery and its consequences is or isn't outweighed by the desire to avoid heartache on both sides by keeping quiet.

Amanda

[Jacqueline]

I'm on the other side of the story. I'm 46 married for 19 years and I discovered rather explosively
this year I'm transgender and polysexual. Don't ask how it could have been hidden in my mind even
for myself, but it did.

1 – How hard is it really to stay with someone that is transgender? I don't think I'm a lesbian but I do find women to be beautiful I could maybe see us staying together but will our love stay? I'm concerned we will just be good friends if we stay together. I don't want that. I want love.

I do love my wife, and she does love me, but ... she has her own needs and fulfilment. She needs a man, who looks
at her, as a man looks at a woman, has that connection. I hope we can stay together, because of what we share, but
it will be hard, because their is enough that separates us. It will hurt a lot if she leaves, but I cannot put my needs above hers

2 – What If I no longer want sex with this person, am I destined to be with out sex rest of my life?

Me and my wife walk a common road, but I now also want a separate road, there is a need in me to be seen as a
woman, not the body, surgery etc. But as in a (sexual) relation as well, i.e. I want the same thing she wants. She
notices now that our sex is better, but different, more carring, but different passion. If we stay together she should
look for the passion she needs.

3 – Do people love and stay together but move to separate rooms?

If you don't want to be close, well, then you don't want to be close

4 – What if he starts liking guys... maybe he already does! He says he only wants to be with me for the rest of his life and he is my person. He says he loves women, only attracted to women, but I have used toys on him in our play in the bedroom for years (strapon and plugs). He says he is a woman and a lesbian and lesbian anything super arouses him. He sees himself as a woman when we make love now, just with a penis.

I noticed that when my gender identity shifted, my sexual attraction shifted as well. I have to admit that I
have for the first time ever experienced a real orgasm (in my head, body, everywhere, except ...) it was an
incredible experience. I am also (sexually) atracted to my wife, but, well, ... there can be change. It requires a
lot of openmindedness from your side. For me it is easier in that respect, I know what is in my head. For someone
outside it is harder to understand and accept I figure


5- He wants the surgery to remove his testes, says he despises these *things*... won't that destroy sex?

For my relation I try to find a balance, I do -not- want surgery. It is a small compromise I think if I know who
I am and my sife learns to accept who I am, and nowing she will have a harder time accepting if I transition
further. Why the need / hurry for me. Sure I would love to live in a female body, but realistically, that's a
dream, can never really reach that anyway.

6- Him being an older male, I don't get why he wants to do this now.. I'm confused. He won't be hot, he is older best I think he could hope for, with LOTS of surgeries and implants would be to pass, even then..everyone will know.

It is not wanting, it heappens. Still to my wife I told it was a kind of choice, but that's self acceptance. She was
feeling as if she dangeld on a wire; How would I change next. So I told that I am happy to be transgender, if someone
would offer a pill to reverse, I would not take it, I am who I am, I do feel better that way, but don't want to transition
further.

I have to admit, for my wife it is harder than for me, as I said I can at least (try to) understand my own head, it comes
from my inside. For my wife she now questions herself, of course I know she didn;t do anything wrong, but that's words, her world is shattered, she's afraid of being "the woman of ...", she's not selfish, she forgievs and cares a lot, but she is hurting. Why do I say this? For a transgender it is fairly easy to become self obsessed, easy to overlook the others, so always speak up for yourslf.

Thanks for sharing and welcome to the site.

I too am a middle age AMAB who after 25 years of marriage and 3 kids overcame my denial and realized I am trans. It has been a hard couple of years. I am still with my wife for now. My kids know and are cool.  If any want to discuss this sort of thing with me feel free to private message me or post in this and I will probably see it.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Cyn5217]

Hi, I'm new to this forum but have known about the site for years.  Like many of you I've been suppressing my GD for years, and grew up male with a wife and family.  I'm 52 now, and about three years ago my wife found out and I told her.  I never intended to tell anyone because of the consequences to my personal and private life, and while I'm accepting that I should have been honest with her from the start, I was focused more on getting my life together and providing, all the while this ran along in the background. 

From time to time it comes up, and now stronger than ever.  Wife not accepting, although she said she would at first and there was some hope that I could have open discussions with her about it.  But she didn't marry a woman (but she did), and I understand her point of view although she only gets the TMZ and her therapist's view of what I'm dealing with. 

So, long story short I've done nothing about it.  In reading these posts, I realized that I have a very similar situation and feelings toward this as Amanda (aaajjj55).  I'm not sure if people are allowed to correspond with each other through this forum, but if there is a way I'd like to get some help/advice. 

[Jacqueline]

Hi, I'm new to this forum but have known about the site for years.  Like many of you I've been suppressing my GD for years, and grew up male with a wife and family.  I'm 52 now, and about three years ago my wife found out and I told her.  I never intended to tell anyone because of the consequences to my personal and private life, and while I'm accepting that I should have been honest with her from the start, I was focused more on getting my life together and providing, all the while this ran along in the background. 

From time to time it comes up, and now stronger than ever.  Wife not accepting, although she said she would at first and there was some hope that I could have open discussions with her about it.  But she didn't marry a woman (but she did), and I understand her point of view although she only gets the TMZ and her therapist's view of what I'm dealing with. 

So, long story short I've done nothing about it.  In reading these posts, I realized that I have a very similar situation and feelings toward this as Amanda (aaajjj55).  I'm not sure if people are allowed to correspond with each other through this forum, but if there is a way I'd like to get some help/advice.

Welcome to the site.

If you go through the links I just left above your post, you will find the rules of the site. Please consider it your official welcome as well. One of the rules states that you must have 15 quality posts before you are able to take advantage of the site's private messaging system. However, if the member is okay with it, you can certainly email all you want.

Good luck.

With warmth,

Joanna

[SpeakYourMind]

here is what gets me, i knew this guy, am married to him for years, didnt see this really.

im looking back and i dont see it. except him being kinky in the bedroom with toys, and his bi experiences as a younger boy. maybe were signs...

now he comes out and says. hey i want to be a womn, i want to wear makeup and have a sex change and im a lesbian.

where did this come from? how did he hide it from me so well for years and years. he was a guy.. a guys guy when i married him. where did that person go.

im baffled. i feel like he had a stroke And now there is this other person im talking to.

The people before me gave way better responses then i could and i think its important for me to stay where i have experience so i don't lead someone down to the wrong idea. I wouldn't say i have experience with relationships or anything but iv'e spoken about this topic with others before and i felt the need to say something because i think its important to help people realize who you once new is the same person you're looking at today. I have a lot of friends who are not transgender and when i came out i had to explain to a lot of them what everything meant and it took a lot of patience but in the end they understood. I don't agree that the person you loved never told you before hand even though it must have been hard on them and scary to think they could lose everything. But i empathize with it because i also can understand why they didn't say anything to you sooner all the same. Image for a second putting yourself in that spot where everyone you love is in front of you but they see you as a person you're not but saying something is a risk of losing that love and acceptance. But you deeply want to say something and it eats you away because if you don't say something you're not telling the complete truth. But it feels like you're still not telling the truth living the other life because you're that gender you where assigned as at birth. In the end the way to be honest and happy is telling the people you love, nobody wants to lose the people the love but nobody wants to feel like they are not being honest either. What you're feeling right now that "Fear" is different from the fear your lover had but in a way it's also the same fear your lover had. You don't want to lose them they don't want to lose you.
You're scared there going to change there probably scared you're going to abandon them and not understand them.
But by telling you there giving you the chance to understand and to learn and they are trust you to listen and learn.
As couples we go in and out of daily struggles and this is just another bump people can learn about and work with.
Now, how can you start accepting them and helping them?
You already started by doing research and listening and that's wonderful.
But pronouns instead of saying "He" say "She" you wouldn't like being called "He" if you're not would you?
That would probably make you feel uncomfortable.

Okay, Sexuality is not gender
Gender is what is inside your brain not between your legs
And Sexuality is who you are attracted to.

It seems like a very complex thing ^ when you first listen to the above
But you'll start to grasp the understanding and when you do it'll make sense.

Second off, what "She" is doing in the bedroom
is what she is doing in the bedroom and it's no indication of anything
Being kinky, anyone man or woman can be kinky that's just normal things
what you like is what you like and that's okay.

Hiding things its very easy to do when you're scared the entire world may be agents you
I'm sure there have been people in you life hiding secrets before and you where shocked to find out
it wouldn't be the first time a person has hid a secret for years on end. But that doesn't mean because She had a secret that she wanted to keep the secret it's just scary to come out to people you love.
You know i have a best friend who is not transgender iv'e known her for Ten years these Ten years she believed i was a girl because my body looked like a girl but i was scared to say "I'm in the wrong body, i'm a boy" I was scared because i new her for Ten years i didn't want to lose her acceptance or her trust so i kept it silent.
She was always very good at figuring me out but she couldn't quite put her finger on it this time around although she always new it was something, was it because i was bisexual? maybe. But it wasn't and when i told her i was a boy trapped inside a body that wasn't mine she was fine with it and did what you did started listening and learning.
And that's the best thing you can do for someone, even when its hard to do at first.


As for do you love her that's up to you and your sexuality
But love can come in many ways it doesn't always have to be a relationship if things turn out that you're not a lesbian. But that doesn't mean you aren't either so maybe try exploring that for yourself?

[Denise1972]

Hi,

I am new to this so you will have to bare with me lol......I am married to a post surgery MTF and have been together with her for 21 years.  We have a 14 year old son together.  The first time she told me was three days after we renewed our wedding vows as man and wife.  I was suspicious as I thought as a man was having an affair or was gay.....I didnt know what transgender was but was keen to learn.  She started dressing away from home where no one knew us and it was a very nervous experience to say the least and was glad when I got home again.  This over a period of time got better.  She knew she was different from the age of 8 years old but didnt know why.  It was difficult telling friends and family we lost friends and gained new ones.  Family was ok about it all and still are.  She was studying as a Radiographer in her first year and it was challenging doing a degree and transitioning.  It was easy and she did try to commit suicide once due to being accused of not being safe around children from parents at our sons dance school.  It took some time to get over that and she regained her confidence once again.  She has now been qualified for nearly 2 years and is progressing well and has much support from her workplace.  She is also doing transgender awareness talks for the trust and other organisations.  I love her to bits for who she is, she is my best friend and we love doing lunch together and shopping....before as a man hated it all now she is happier than ever.  I always say when people ask the exterior has changed however, it is the heart that I married and will never go back on that.     

[LizK]

Hi,

I am new to this so you will have to bare with me lol......I am married to a post surgery MTF and have been together with her for 21 years.  We have a 14 year old son together.  The first time she told me was three days after we renewed our wedding vows as man and wife.  I was suspicious as I thought as a man was having an affair or was gay.....I didnt know what transgender was but was keen to learn.  She started dressing away from home where no one knew us and it was a very nervous experience to say the least and was glad when I got home again.  This over a period of time got better.  She knew she was different from the age of 8 years old but didnt know why.  It was difficult telling friends and family we lost friends and gained new ones.  Family was ok about it all and still are.  She was studying as a Radiographer in her first year and it was challenging doing a degree and transitioning.  It was easy and she did try to commit suicide once due to being accused of not being safe around children from parents at our sons dance school.  It took some time to get over that and she regained her confidence once again.  She has now been qualified for nearly 2 years and is progressing well and has much support from her workplace.  She is also doing transgender awareness talks for the trust and other organisations.  I love her to bits for who she is, she is my best friend and we love doing lunch together and shopping....before as a man hated it all now she is happier than ever.  I always say when people ask the exterior has changed however, it is the heart that I married and will never go back on that.   

Hi Denise

Welcome and I hope you enjoy your time here at Susan's.

You sound like a very loving person. My wife and I have been together for about 30 years now and she is the same as you...she isn't going anywhere either.


Regards

Liz


Things to Live By are links we give to every new member......

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy