Advice from a wife on how to not blow up your marriage

[LizK]

*This is Jenn88's wife ... future responses in this thread might be my husband who is in the process of transitioning MtF.

Honesty is key no matter how the relationship is currently framed or was founded. My partner and I  have something of a unique relationship as we were friends in high school, housemates afterwards (in other relationships at the time), and then a couple. We also have been coworkers for 6 years. In an average month we might be apart from each other maybe 24 hrs,.. to put it simply I felt I knew him as well as I know myself (and honestly still feel so). Still his announcement came as a surprise to me. We as wives are not mind readers and I believe that every SO will have some sort initial gut reaction that is not a good representation of how everything will work out in the end. I personally had an initial 24 hrs or so of believing that our marriage was ending because I would no longer be able to fulfill his needs. And a lot of that reaction came from my own personal ignorance of what it means to be transgender. I had a lot of questions, some of which I researched independently but most of which he was thankfully able to answer for me. We had a LONG heart to heart which really helped me to understand how he feels, why he feels that way, and what his hopes for the future are and I found that it wasn't really all that different from how we already operate.

I think what I'm trying to say is that when you are ready to talk with your SO, be prepared for questions. Don't get stuck in the idea that us questioning is the same as us rejecting. It's not.. Don't be surprised if there is an initial bad reaction, just have faith that they will come around. I'm not saying every one will have the perfect balanced relationship afterwards, but being honest about your plans for the future will aid the way.

What a great Post, thanks for sharing that with us.  Many of us would love to hear your experiences. I think your message of communication is a great one I know for my wife and I that without the talking we would not still be together and not just over my Transition.

Thanks for sharing your experience and I wouldn't mind reading any others you wish to share.

Liz

[Thessa]

What a great Post, thanks for sharing that with us.  Many of us would love to hear your experiences. I think your message of communication is a great one I know for my wife and I that without the talking we would not still be together and not just over my Transition.

Thanks for sharing your experience and I wouldn't mind reading any others you wish to share.

Liz

Communication is definitely key to success in many areas especially this one.

Sad thing is, you always need at least two to be willing to communicate and make compromises.

Unfortunately you can't force someone to communicate, especially if the are always choosing the easy way (out).

[Marcieelizabeth]

In my opinion, I cannot overstate how important this post is. There is so much insight given here. I would like to express my gratitude for you taking the time to present it. As a (married) trans person, I know how easy it is to become self absorbed with transition. It is maybe to be expected considering  how long we must hide. The thing is, we have no excuse to ignore the feelings of those around us when coming out. (Obviously all bets are off when the reaction is hostile/ violent.) We should be respected for how traumatic it is for us, but we in turn should respect how traumatic it is for a spouse or child. Thank you for making this specific and practical, Cailan.
Moni

Moni -

I found it and as you say this is amazingly thorough, thoughtful, caring, and daunting! 

Love and Hugs, Marcie

[Jenniferloveslife]

This is very helpful, thank you!!

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[Paige]

Hi All,

Great thread, I don't know how I missed it for all this time. 

My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years.  She knew I struggled with my gender since the 1st year of our marriage.  At the time we both thought I could get over it, I was embarrassed because society wasn't the least bit accepting back then, so I decided to put it aside but it never went away.  It was always with me.  I would hide it from my wife because I knew she wasn't supportive of it and thought that if I just tried hard enough I could get over this.  As we all know this is impossible. 

In the last couple of years it's become harder and harder.  My therapist thinks transition is the only answer.  I have been on low dose E for about a year trying to fight the inevitable.  I try to have talks with my wife but it's hard when two people want totally different outcomes.  I feel I've compromised for 30 years not being my true self, raising a family and being a good husband.  She thinks that if I transition it's the ultimate betrayal ignoring all the good times we had in our 30 years.  Our marriage will probably end, but it wasn't like we didn't try.

I bring this up because I feel the original post is a useful guide on how to be compassionate to your spouse, but at the same time, it sort of glosses over the dedication and sacrifice a lot of transgender people have put into their relationships.  It also doesn't discuss the benefits spouses have received by being in a relationship with someone whose gender wasn't cis. 

Take care,
Paige

[LizK]

Paige as a 30 year marriage veteran as well I find some of this sticky useful but tend to agree with you, things like a huge emphasis on therapy for the wife and so on is something you really need to be careful about.


My wife falls into the category of loving me for who I am, she is not a lesbian but a straight woman. I don't know if it any more difficult for her than say someone who is bi or lesbian. 

Absolutely get yourself in therapy but as far as you wife goes let her make that call, provide her with the tools. My wife saw my psychologist once and she was entirely happy. I often ask her if she thinks about wanting to do another session but she is not interested. I think this is very individual and you need to be very careful in the way you approach this.

The most important thing in my experience is to keep talking and give her space and time to process the information. Make sure she knows you love her and that as far as you are concerned  the relationship is  secure(if this is what you want) Give her some reason to want to accept the changes. If you take care of her in this early part and let her move at her own pace and all the time being with her and loving her then I think you have a much better chance of staying together.

Give her a chance to get used to the idea of you being trans before expecting her to buy women's clothes with you, or before deciding on going on a shopping spree. I know it was difficult for my spouse originally to shop with me but now we really enjoy it.

Love and time, space to process and support if and when she needs it now when you think its needed.

Just my thoughts

[Jenniferloveslife]

Both posts are truly wonderful. I am having the same almost exact set of problems. 45 yrs here. We are both the closest persons to each other possible but we survive in a love hate relationship. She is somewhat resistant to counseling, I am totally for it. She battles with acceptance and periods of denial. I have been very very open but she is still thinking its a phase or passing thing which it is not. I try to be lovingly understanding but the on and off again support really hurts. Thank you for all of your thoughts.
Jennifer

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[LizK]

......... I have been very very open but she is still thinking its a phase or passing thing which it is not. I try to be lovingly understanding but the on and off again support really hurts. Thank you for all of your thoughts.
Jennifer

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Hi Jennifer
It can be really tough trying to do this especially if you are really in a bad way emotionally yourself. I am a firm believer in that you know your wife better than any of us....she still wants the same basic things to deal with...do you love her, will you leave,  how secure is out relationship, depending on wether she had any idea before marriage or not can be a big one for most women, as they feel betrayed because of they didn't know.

It can be very complex issue and I hope you can work it out with her.

Liz

[Jenniferloveslife]

Thank you for your kind thoughts. Back in the early days she knew nothing and I was sure this "problem" would stop or go away - wrong! I didn't have the words or understanding then. Its been about 2 years now that she knows and I came out. I am wanting to Stay and I live her more than life but also dying inside and won't stop my transition. I have just slowed it down to try to work things out.


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[elkie-t]

I don't know anything from experience, and I'm partially transmale, but from casual observation on this forum and from reading countless blogs and MtF autobiographies, it seems the people who have the least painful transitions are the ones the most "female" in mental traits.

For instance, my cis female relatives and friends, and sometimes I as well, routinely test the loyalty of prospective male partners, only dating males totally obedient to her. If, after dating or even being married a while, the male person starts showing disloyalty, obsessing over another female and/or trying to support another woman, at the former partner's expense, these cis women don't hesitate to put the man's things on the lawn and change the locks.

Yet most of the MtF people are willing to risk suicide and sacrifice themselves to keep their marriages. Ciswomen marry to have someone to take care of them, to be totally loyal and obedient to them, to be the center of their world, to raise their social status in the eyes of the world and their family. I even did that, when living as a woman.

As cis women, they aren't likely to be happy about suddenly having a spouse spending the family money on jewelry, clothes, and operations for themselves, and obsessing constantly about themselves, often going out on the town dressed like a hooker, destroying her hetero privilege and making her seem a "lesbian,' leaving her and her children to fend for themselves financially.

I noticed that the MtF people who had the smoothest, happiest transitions didn't have those slavishly obedient-to-the-death male traits. When they realized they had to transition or commit suicide, they simply divorced their spouses while still presenting as males, then transitioned in peace, beyond the reach of their wives' scorn and attacks.

Others simply told their wives very calmly that they had to transition to avoid suicide and that if she didn't want to stick around, they understood, and no hard feelings.

Spot on. Straight cis-females are cruelly practical 'being in total control honeys'. I hate them so much, I'd want to be one of them

Obviously, any Susan.org members are excluded

[Jessica]

Such a great posting, thank you Cailan Jerika!
My wife has known I had issues with my sexuality nearly our whole marriage.  She let me "explore" as long as I was safe and it didn't infringe on our time together.  We have married for  37 years.  I had been giving her all the clues for years but not in her face.  2 months ago I told her I wanted breasts.  She wasn't surprised and within a month I was on hrt.  We have continued conversations that I had let her know that I wanted to be a woman but I can take this as slow as we need.  She tells me she isnt angry or bitter and she sees us together into the future.
Thanks again, Jessica

[Kelly H]

My wife and I have been married 27 years in October.  She didn't see this coming at all, so effective I was in hiding myself.  But that was it, I was always hiding myself from everyone.  It's been a few months now since I told her.  We did it one Monday evening in our living room.

These past few months have been a roller coaster of emotion for both of us.  Neither of us wants to separate or divorce although that has come up in conversation several times.  I planned to go full time in December but now that most of our family and close friends know I asked how she would feel if I moved the timeline up to October.   A week ago that was fine.  Friday she expressed concern that it was too soon.

We spoke about it in more details yesterday and she said she might not stick around.  She said she didn't know if she could handle it in spite for the overwhelming support I've received from friends and family.  As we talked she said she couldn't trust me.  Keeping this from her all these years broke her heart, and her trust.  Visiting a doctor and counselor without her knowledge, shopping without her knowledge and the like, in her mind is akin to lying to her.

As our conversation continued I tried to understand her point of view, although I didn't fully agree with her assessment.  This relationship thing is hard because we never had the kind of relationship where I accounted for my every moment to her.  I agreed to work on that and as the day progressed we were in a much better place.

We are seeing an attorney Tuesday to make sure we are clear on the law in Tennessee regarding our marital status after my transition to full time.  Thursday I meet with HR about a schedule for my transition at work.  All the pieces seem to be coming together after all these years.  I hope my wife will be by my side through the whole thing.  Guess we will see.

[BareBellaBeauty]

Wow really good ready
This is something I've seen over the years with couples coming through, it's quite traumatic, what a good read!!!

[LizK]

Wow really good ready
This is something I've seen over the years with couples coming through, it's quite traumatic, what a good read!!!

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[judithlynn]

cccc

[MollyPants]

This is really useful information and it's definitely helped me to understand a bit more what my partner is going through at the moment. For me I think I'm still in the relief stage as I've been going through it for years but for her it's all new.
Molly

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[elkie-t]

This is really useful information and it's definitely helped me to understand a bit more what my partner is going through at the moment. For me I think I'm still in the relief stage as I've been going through it for years but for her it's all new.
Molly

If you want to understand more - read 'My husband Betty' by Helen Boyd... She speaks about many issues she personally had, and other spouses she met, and she was sympathetic to the cause, a progressive feminist to the core and knew about Betty before the marriage.

[Dee Bellwether]

wow, this is an informative and mindblowing post for me, it is SO outside the realm of my personal experience in that I, a trans girl, have NEVER even DATED anyone who did not know I was female identified, let alone being married to someone who didn't know.

it makes me sigh relieved, this would be so hard to deal with. I have had two spouses, and both have loved me as a woman, and even both had their own experiences being on the spectrum.

my current soul mate, love of my life and best friend is a cis woman who is lesbian identified and pretty much is romantic SOLELY with trans women. the idea of her being challenged by any aspect of my transition is just non-existent. she's even excited that I will be undergoing GRS soon, despite the fact that I was originally non-op, and gave her two beautiful daughters in the traditional way that babies are made.

so just. wow. so different than what I've known.

[Rayna]

If you want to understand more - read 'My husband Betty' by Helen Boyd... She speaks about many issues she personally had, and other spouses she met, and she was sympathetic to the cause, a progressive feminist to the core and knew about Betty before the marriage.

Thank you Elkie for the book referral. I'm reading it now and seeing myself and my wife in a lot of it. It is also providing some useful insights into my own status. Recommended.
Randy

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[elkie-t]

Thank you Elkie for the book referral. I'm reading it now and seeing myself and my wife in a lot of it. It is also providing some useful insights into my own status. Recommended.
Randy

Yw, thanks for thanking me. Apparently I'm not totally evil and hating person :$