Here I go again :-(

[JeanetteLW]

Jeanette,
   I can think of you as nothing but "Jeanette."  I enjoyed hearing you talk about your 'monskers.' Very sweet!
Moni

  Thanks Moni.  I'm trying, I just keep stubbing my toe.

Those two monskers are still young enough to enjoy my silliness. When they were younger and needing help with shoes and socks they got a lot of giggles from socks and sometimes shoes winding up on hands and wrong feet. Sometimes shoes had to be "forced or pounded" onto unruly feet. yep Papa is sometime pretty crazy.  (lol if they only knew the truth)  The older two are teens and too old for my nonsense. And of course the newest one is too young yet.  I love them all.

  Jeanette

[p]

Oh, Jeanette--I'm sorry that the talk with your daughter and son-in-law was disappointing. But I'm proud of you for telling them. And they may yet come around. You inspire me just by being the woman you are, J. Love you.

[JeanetteLW]

Thank you p

  I can tell you it was not easy to do but they did give me a fair listen as did I when it was there turn. I appreciated their honest thoughts on the matter and I need to give some thought to what they said. I am kind of dreading going back and facing the grand kids questions, and they will have questions. Mom and Dad will be breaking the news to them now that I have come home if they haven't already.
  I can't very well say "Ha ha I was just kidding" Even if I decided I needed to stop I would still have questions to answer. I would help if I had the answers. Right at this moment I can't say that I do. :-(  I do know I am not stopping anything just yet. And I know they still love me even if they disagree.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

   

[Janes Groove]

Jeanette, it sounds like they are influenced by their religious beliefs.  You on the other hand are influenced by your lived reality.  Sounds like for now the best solution is to "agree to disagree."  An old Native American saying, "Never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his moccasins." Change man to transgender woman and get the pronouns right and that expression pretty darn well encompasses our transgender experience of life.  People who don't spend their lives in hiding, have a hard time getting what it is like to feel the need to live a life in hiding.  Also, about half the trans folks here have life issues stemming from a dysfunctional family. Myself included. But I'm/we're still trans. Dysfunctional family and all.  That never changes.  I'm glad you had a chance to share this honest moment with them.  They now have a chance to love the real you and now you have given them that chance.

[JeanetteLW]

Thank you Jane,

  Thank you for bringing tears to my eyes again, It's becoming a common occurrence. I liked what you said and how you said it. We do have an agreement to disagree in place and have had for quite some time. There are quite a few things we disagree on.

   There was a highlight to the talk... I told Scott that though we have never been close it has never been what I wanted. I told him that I have only wanted to be able to hug him and tell him that I loved him but never felt that I could. When he had his turn to talk he said that as far as me wanting to hug him goes, there was nothing to stop me from doing it now.  And so we did and I did tell him I loved him. I told them both that at the beginning and that I loved him for everything he has done for my daughter and grand children. I don't think I had ever told him that before either. So there were good things that came out of our talk too.

  Jeanette

[Rayna]

There was a highlight to the talk... I told Scott that though we have never been close it has never been what I wanted. I told him that I have only wanted to be able to hugs him and tell him that I loved him but never felt that I could. When he had his turn to talk he said that as far as me wanting to hug him goes, there was nothing to stop me from doing it now.  And so we did and I did tell him I loved him. I told them both that at the beginning and that I loved him for everything he has done for my daughter and grand children. I don't think I had ever told him that before either. So there were good things that came out of out talk too.

That is majorly sweet right there!  I'm so glad you got to break through that barrier.  I have always regretted when I didn't break through myself.
Love, Randy

[Shy]

Phew, I was worried for a while Jeanette.

I know it probably doesn't seem like it now but from what I read there seems to be a degree of acceptance. This stuff takes time to process for everyone.

I know you must be full of all sorts of emotions, so rest up, do something nice, have a treat.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Shy.

[JeanetteLW]

Phew, I was worried for a while Jeanette.

I know it probably doesn't seem like it now but from what I read there seems to be a degree of acceptance. This stuff takes time to process for everyone.

I know you must be full of all sorts of emotions, so rest up, do something nice, have a treat.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Shy.

Hi Shy,

  Acceptance in that they still love me and that I am still the same person - yes

  Acceptance of me being trans and of my transitioning - no

   Decided as to what the repercussion will be? - the jury is still out.

  We had a good long talk during which each of us related issues we each had in our relationships. I think we understand each other a little better now. So that is good. There were other good points not really related to my trans issue. So there main issue I went to talk to them about went over like a lead balloon. I don't know where it goes from here with them. It weighs heavy on my mind.
   But they fed me and let me stay the night after and that was good too.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[theqnoumenon]

I've read the thread and I'm happy you could tell them. As others have written, I think this can be a matter of time, telling somebody you're trans may be a bit shocking.
However, always remember that you are the only person entitled to decide about who you are or not, and if you feel comfortable and happy being Jeanette, go for it!

At least, now you know each other better and hey, you told them! Complete acceptance is coming sooner or later, if they love you they'll keep doing it.

A big big hug!

[JeanetteLW]

Thanks Q for the words of support and the big hug

Hugs,
   Jeanette

[JeanetteLW]

Hi everyone,

   I thought I would post a little update no crisis today. I have calmed down quite a bit by catching up on the forums I missed while I was gone. The more I read and the more I commented on the more comfortable I became with myself. I still have thinking to do but I haven't dwelt on it today. Sure I thought some about  my daughter, her family and I but not too much.
  It was a dry day here so I went for a little walk of about an hour duration covering almost 3 miles. That's good for me right now as I've only gone walking 3 times in at least 4 months that exceeded a mile due mainly to the weather. While walking I would see a woman , check her out discreetly and couldn't help but think to myself how much I wanted to be like her. It didn't matter if they were close or far, young or older they all had what I wanted. They were women and I want to be one of them. I felt better than I did before my walk. I was a bit heated, sweaty and pooped but better in my head.
  It hasn't solved my problem, there's still work to do there. Now that I've told them I just have to wait to see how it plays out. Much of that is no longer within my control, if it ever was. I've done my part and now will have to see how they handle theirs.  I told them I don't see me stopping. Yesterday I didn't feel so sure. Today I'm starting to work my way back to that. Tomorrow? Well who knows what the morrow may bring?

  Hugs,
     Jeanette

[LizK]

Hi everyone,

   ..........Now that I've told them I just have to wait to see how it plays out. Much of that is no longer within my control, if it ever was. I've done my part and now will have to see how they handle theirs.  I told them I don't see me stopping. Yesterday I didn't feel so sure. Today I'm starting to work my way back to that. Tomorrow? Well who knows what the morrow may bring?

  Hugs,
     Jeanette

IMHO you nailed it right there. I read your previous post last night and by that stage you had heaps of great advice so there was nothing I could really add...Today you are exactly right, you have shared , you have been honest...the rest is up to them. I don't know how this will play out for you but for what its worth the decision you made to tell them was a good decision then and remains a good decision now, however things turn out.

Hugs

Liz

[JeanetteLW]

Thanks Liz,

  I don't know how this will play out either. I do know I was pretty distraught yesterday and last night. Did it show?  Lmao  Coming back home and to Susan's help a lot. Both in letting my worries and thoughts out and getting advice and help from those that responded and also by my reading and commenting on other peoples posts. By the time I went for my walk I was signing my comments with hugs again. Then seeing all those women, those examples of what I want everywhere I looked. And that was my thought, I want to be them.

  Thank you again Liz

Hugs,
    Jeanette

[HappyMoni]

Jeanette,
  I will admit to be a bit worried that because of family reaction, you would try to run from yourself. You seem to be getting closer to understanding the different issues surrounding gender that have been tugging at you. I think that running from what you know to be true of yourself would be a shame. This comes from me, a "marathon runner" from the truth. I know you want to keep great relations with family, as would I. I hope you will be able to educate them over time and not sell yourself short.
Moni

[JeanetteLW]

Jeanette,
  I will admit to be a bit worried that because of family reaction, you would try to run from yourself. You seem to be getting closer to understanding the different issues surrounding gender that have been tugging at you. I think that running from what you know to be true of yourself would be a shame. This comes from me, a "marathon runner" from the truth. I know you want to keep great relations with family, as would I. I hope you will be able to educate them over time and not sell yourself short.
Moni

Moni,

   I have to admit that I don't know what to do at this point. My thoughts on my walk showed my I wish I was a woman and I want to be one, but I don't feel like I am one. I like my breasts and want them to grow bigger, but I worry about how I'm going to explain them. They are not going to go away if I stop taking my pills.
   As for my conversation with my daughter, I said what I said the words cannot be unsaid. I cannot very well turn around and say April fools! It's only March. Those words are forever going to influence our relationship no matter what I do now. Just how they will affect out relationship is an unknown quantity  right now. I will have to wait and see then take it from there. In the meantime I open my mouth and toss in the pills.
   No I don't want to stop but neither do I want to ruin my relationship with my daughter and her family. It may well come to a choice. Which I will choose I do not know.

   Thank you for being concerned Moni. It is good to know someone is.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[HappyMoni]

Moni,

   I have to admit that I don't know what to do at this point. My thoughts on my walk showed my I wish I was a woman and I want to be one, but I don't feel like I am one. I like my breasts and want them to grow bigger, but I worry about how I'm going to explain them. They are not going to go away if I stop taking my pills.
   As for my conversation with my daughter, I said what I said the words cannot be unsaid. I cannot very well turn around and say April fools! It's only March. Those words are forever going to influence our relationship no matter what I do now. Just how they will affect out relationship is an unknown quantity  right now. I will have to wait and see then take it from there. In the meantime I open my mouth and toss in the pills.
   No I don't want to stop but neither do I want to ruin my relationship with my daughter and her family. It may well come to a choice. Which I will choose I do not know.

   Thank you for being concerned Moni. It is good to know someone is.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

Dear Jeanette,
   It is good to say to yourself that steps cannot be retraced. If you had not spoken to them, you would be haunted that you should, that you need to and want to. You did what you needed to do. Whatever happens, you didn't let the fear beat you and that you should be proud of.
   From here, you are right, things will play out. Not an easy thing to wait for or perhaps go through. It is best  not to assume the worst. Much of the best options of where things go from here on your end depend on you being positive. No, you don't control what they will do, but since they didn't stop talking there is hope. The feelings you have are legitimate. Everything I have learned about myself and from people on this site tell me that we understand the power of the feelings we have and should not be discarded as human beings for having them. Hostility towards trans people comes from lack of understanding, misinformation, or someone's inability for empathy or compassion. If the argument against acceptance is based on Christian beliefs, maybe there is an argument for acceptance being a Christian value. Look at the types of people Jesus hung around with. Not an expert here but wasn't he partial to the cast a ways of the time? My point is, you do have some strong arguments on your side. Hopefully it will proceed in a calm way that will allow both sides a chance to understand the other. Yes my thoughts are definitely with you. We need the site's feng shui specialist happy.
Moni

[Floof]

Hey Jeanette,

So hope in time they will come to understand how important this is to you.. Can't speak for your country at all unfortunately, but where I'm from most people end up understanding and accepting how much pain it has caused us to be born wrong, and why we need to fix it in order to be happy and well adjusted people. I want you to have all the love and support possible from those around you, and from everyone here on Susans for sure.

I think you know so strongly that this is the only right path to take, and you absolutely should continue to travel down it! Its so hard -sometimes impossibe- to feel like you are becoming the woman you want to be, I know I struggle with my visage in the mirror every single day.. But others have done it before us and we will manage too, we are already taking many important steps towards fixing outselves! The future is bright, just have to make our way through this murky darkness first.

Be brave big sis <3

[Asche]

My thoughts on my walk showed my I wish I was a woman and I want to be one, but I don't feel like I am one.

... yet.

From all I've heard, "feeling like a woman" takes time.  Years.  It comes from living as a woman, being treated as a woman, dealing with the stuff women deal with.  Julia Serano (Whipping Girl) writes, when you've lived as a woman long enough, at some point, there doesn't seem much point in not saying you're a woman.  IMHO, that's what "being a woman" really means, anyway.  It's just that cis women have been doing it all their lives.

I've only been full-time for a few months, yet already I see a change in how I see myself.  Doing the "woman" thing just seems like life, nothing special, and I'm starting to see myself as just another woman.  An old one, ugly one, a fashion-challenged one, but mostly just one of those many women that don't look or live like the ones in cover photos.

The way things are now is not the way they will always be.

The same is true of your relation to your daughter and her family.  How they deal with you now is not how they'll deal with you six months from now, when the novelty has worn off, and how they'll deal with you three years from now will be different still.

[Janes Groove]

I've got to agree with Asche here.  The more experience I get living as a woman the more it becomes crystal clear to me that I have always been a woman.  A rare woman with the unusual and inconvenient experience of being born in a male body. I don't know how or why it happened.  Yes I've read lots of the science on the subject, but there are other ways of knowing than theoretical, empirical, statistical and quantifiable.  There is also instinctual knowing.  And on that level I just feel it to be true.  And, as an aside, instinctual knowing  is very much a woman thing. On that level I could never explain it in words in a thousand years of talking around it.  I just know it.  Every step I take living as a woman. Every day that passes living RLE reinforces it.  There is no pushback anywhere of any kind that dissuades me from knowing this thing about myself.  Even being misgendered doesn't phase me anymore.  How could someone else who hasn't lived this reality ever understand it as deeply as I do?  It's hard to accept when all the messages from all the institutions and support systems in ones life have taught one different.  But there it is.  I know I am a woman and have always been one.  It's just that my experience as a woman on planet Earth has been of one born in a male body.   

But now I'm finally doing something about that, to be sure.

[JeanetteLW]

Thanks everyone.  I'm okay. I haven't run away or stopped taking my pills. I been online checking posts several times. I just haven't had anything to say.

  Sorry,
    Jeanette