Quote from: HappyMoni on March 28, 2017, 09:27:22 PM
Jeanette,
I have been reading here, but haven't posted because I didn't want to say the wrong thing when it comes to a difficult family situation. You must handle it as you think best. I would like to offer an impression that I have. Dismiss it if you want and please don't take offense. I feel like I see your situation as the old movie where the main character is standing trial for something, but won't offer a defense. They have done nothing wrong, but either they feel guilty about the situation or they are afraid they will hurt a loved one by defending them self. I, as the viewer, keep rooting for that main character to tell their story. I don't know if it would help to write that letter, it might not. Maybe it isn't the right time. I do think that it would be a shame if the only story out there is one devoid of factual information. One that doesn't tell how hard you have tried to run from being trans. One that doesn't treat you as a human being. I also wonder if you don't defend yourself and you show so much guilt and remorse, that it will convince her that she is right.
Well no offense intended, I just thought it might be a way to look at it.
Moni
Hi Moni And I welcome your comments as I do the others that have tried to help here. This site and all of you in it that strive to help myself and others here have been of great help to me many times and in many ways.
I thank you for your observations and thoughts on this situation too.
I've seen those old movies and they usually have happy endings but this isn't Hollywood. It probably does look like I am giving up without a defense but it is a battle I cannot win. I stated my case to her, told her how I feel and explained that I believe my being trans is the reasons behind my lifelong crossdressing, told her of wishing I was born a girl and my envy of my sisters for being girls and getting to do the things I wanted to be able to do. I told her the "why" of why I do not want presents at Christmas. It comes from year after year of never getting what I wanted for gifts and knowing I'd never get them because I was born a boy. And having to watch my 5 sisters opening the gifts I wanted but couldn't have. I told her how I bought and purged female clothing and makeup again and again. I told her of the guilt and shame I felt for being a pervert. Told of of researching in the libraries to find out what was wrong with me. I told her how I swore off dressing uncountable times only to return in shame because I could not stop. I told her how I feel like a failure as a husband, a father, and a man.
I told her how I didn't have to think twice about taking my HRT meds when I obtained them. About how I do not feel I am wrong for doing them. I told her about going to a psychiatrist when I have always disdained them and how being diagnosed with gender dysphoria actually pleased me. I told her I was now seeing a gender therapist. I told her again I thought I was doing what was right for me.
There was my defense, my best shot at getting her acceptance. It did me no good.
I lost the battle on two unbeatable fronts.
1. Her religious beliefs By that I mean she told me she believes there was something wrong or missing in my life when I was a child and only by coming to believe in the God of her understanding will I be made whole again. Okay it might not be quite that dramatic but it's not far off.
2. Have your heard of ACA or ACOA? It is a support group for "Adult children of Alcoholic/ dysfunction families" she is or was a member. It is a 12 step program similar to AA with the basic premise that they were damaged by their family. Basically they believe their problems are not of the doing but rather because of their home life at the hands of their alcoholic family member ot the dysfunctional family life. In her case er problems she had were my fault. Though we only discussed things one or twice that is how she it came across. I do not think she has ever forgiven me for my part in ruining her life and here I go doing again.
So Moni, I truly can see where you could think i am not mounting a defense. Not fighting back. But I did give it my best effort and I lost. Pressing the issue more isn't going to help anything. I can leave it up to her and hope for a change of heart. I cannot push her into thinking differently. She will have to do that for herself.
What I can do is be here for her if she chooses to reach out again. I am sure she is hurting once again.
I am too.
Hugs,
Jeanette