Here I go again :-(

[Cindy]

I'll just throw my coinage in here.

Depression is a real biochemical event. It isn't 'Oh, I feel sad.' It is physical and sometimes, even though we feel better in ourselves and are coping happily, the chemical imbalance can still be there but is being over-ridden by a massive release chemicals. But we still may have the fundamental chemical lesion. It can usually be corrected and without the heavy mind numbing drugs that were once used - maybe a chat to your therapist?

Oh the heat thing. It is called menopause. Maybe see your endo you may need a boost or a reduction or something.

Julia, it is well known that Australia is closer to the sun so we warm up quickly. Relatively short exposure to the Australian  climate activates a mutation called MHT, triggering the marsupial heat transference gland that we are all born with but is only active in Aussies. That is why Aussies are warm and cuddly. Trust me I'm a Doctor and a public servant.

Oh and Laurie, Hugs from Cindy who has just spent a week of fighting the C demon but life goes on.

[Laurie]

 Hi Cindy,

  Glad to have you back to work. I didn't like reading about you having a bout with the C demons again. At least it was the demons and not the devil himself. They are unpleasant but still better to deal with.

  As for me my therapist is already noting depression in my records. He's done that twice now and that devil's advocate is agreeing with him. (You know who it is) She has me thinking my therapist might be right. We'll see what he thinks on Thursday when I see him again. He knows I read his reports so I can talk to him about it directly. I do think there's something wrong. Especially when I think of my daughter and family.  That is the fresh hurt for sure but I think it has been around a lot longer than that.

  Laurie

 

[Denni]

Laurie,

So sorry to hear about what you are experiencing, have been away from the site for awhile so catching up at the present. I am fortunate in that for most of my life depression has not been a part of it, dysphoria, yes, but thankfully HRT has for the most part eliminated that from my life. That being said I cannot begin to offer personal experience advice nor would I, as each of us can only know the life we have lived in the past, live in the present and hope for in the future. I wish that there was a magic wand I could wave and make your life better as everyone in this community would also do, but we know that is not the way it works. I can only offer my thoughts, you have experienced many things this past summer. An increase in estradiol, (one thought there, was proestrogen a part of that? it has properties that can increase depression). You have begun RLE, and all of the emotional changes that accompany it, not only with your own emotions but the experience of seeing others react to your change. The rebuff from your daughter and her family which I suspect was the hardest on you. You have experienced in one summer what many go through in a lifetime and never experience. There has been no stability for you to fall back on and rely on. I can only hope and pray that you can find that in your life's journey as you go forward.

With hugs and prayers,

Denni

[Shy]

Hope things start to work themselves out for you soon Laurie, I know it can be like wading through treacle sometimes, nowhere near as much fun as eating treacle pud

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Laurie]

Hi Denni and Sadie,

  Thank you both for your concern. Yeah, I guess I'm still going through that rough patch brought on again by the situation with my daughter. I'm manage to put that aside for the most part but I can't say I'm happy. Oh I have good days where I almost feel right but I still see it slipping out in my posts. I'm sorry for that but it does happen. Those aren't a bad as the posts I write and trash. I'm sure I'll get over it. The sooner the better right?

Denni
Welcome back, Denni. I hope what ever you were busy with was pleasurable of at least relaxing. No progestrogens are not involved as I haven't got my GP to proscribe it for me. He knows I want to try it. I'm sorely tempted to use the progesterone I ummm acquired but I'm being good and following doctor's orders.


Sadie
  Thank you too Sadie. You caused me to learn something today. I had to look up treacle. You foreigners have strange words for normal everyday words. Between you UK folks and those upside downers I'm always learning new terms for things I already know.

Hugs to you both,
  Laurie

btw Is it too warm in here to you?

[davina61]

Sorry turned the heating up as its gone cold out

[Laurie]

Sorry turned the heating up as its gone cold out

Can't you keep it on your side of the pond?

[Laurie]

  I feel I need to apologize again, yesterday wasn't a very good day. It went from so so to bad and back to so so and then in the wee small hours of the morning I got positively nasty with Liz. For that I am truly sorry as I view Liz as a dear friend. She tries her best to help me, spending hours and hours talking to me and putting up with my crap. Last night I fear I pushed it a bit too much.  I hope not.

  Liz I am sorry.

 

 

[davina61]

I must say when you do something you give it every thing . Don't take that the wrong way darling. I am sure Liz will forgive you what ever you said , we all understand . I get it trouble at work as when tired and naffed off I do say things/lose my rag when I shouldn't . HUGS XXXX

[Julia1996]

  I feel I need to apologize again, yesterday wasn't a very good day. It went from so so to bad and back to so so and then in the wee small hours of the morning I got positively nasty with Liz. For that I am truly sorry as I view Liz as a dear friend. She tries her best to help me, spending hours and hours talking to me and putting up with my crap. Last night I fear I pushed it a bit too much.  I hope not.

  Liz I am sorry.

 

Hrt causes mood swings and we all sometimes turn into a super bitch. People who love and care about you will forgive you. Sometimes I just get into a totally vile mood really for no good reason. Since I don't have any friends to alienate my poor brother gets it. If I push it too far with him he will literally pick me up and carry my to my room, which only pisses me off even more,  and he will tell me to stay in there until my period is over. I always feel bad afterwards.  All you can do is apologize.  The joys of hrt. Lol

[LizK]

  I feel I need to apologize again, yesterday wasn't a very good day. It went from so so to bad and back to so so and then in the wee small hours of the morning I got positively nasty with Liz. For that I am truly sorry as I view Liz as a dear friend. She tries her best to help me, spending hours and hours talking to me and putting up with my crap. Last night I fear I pushed it a bit too much.  I hope not.

  Liz I am sorry.

My Dearest Laurie,

Your gracious apology was not expected nor necessary (IMHO) but thank you I appreciate it. I would hope that you know me well enough now to know that whilst your responses to me last night may have left you feeling bad all I could see was someone who was hurting really badly and needed verbalise some of the things she was struggling with...did you say some things that might have been considered hurtful...hmmmm maybe to yourself but certainly not to me.

I am here for you and remain your upside down (slight crazy)Aussie friend...I hope you are doing ok today...

Hugs

Liz

[p]

Hi Laurie!

It sounds like you are starting to figure some things out about yourself through the therapy and chats with a certain devil's advocate. Embracing a diagnosis like depression can be really hard, and can cause you to rethink some of your feelings and actions years in the past, but I have personally benefited and seen many others in my life benefit from acknowledging this problem and taking steps--whether therapy, medication, lifestyle changes, usually some combo of all 3--to heal. I think Cindy's comments are worth considering (but aren't they always? I sincerely hope you are besting those C demons, Cindy!). Send you lots of love & support today & every day.  Patti

[HappyMoni]

Laurie,
   Lotta people here love you. Oh, oh, can I be one of them? Well, you have no choice anyway, so suck it up buttercup and accept the love. Am here if you ever what to chat. I'll even reenact the bed scene  in Philly where you try to choke the life out of me. 
Moni
Agh the bed scene at the hospital.

[Laurie]

Okay Girls, I'm fine. I'll talk to my therapist thursday

[Laurie]

   I had gotten enthused about Kaiser Permanente HMO services when Michelle started talking about all they were going to be doing for her. I had had Kaiser before through work when I last had a real job many years ago. I almost signed up with them ( Form filled out and only needed to hit enter) a year or so ago when the VA sent me a third letter informing me I no longer qualified. But I decided to call the VA  and talk to them first and they told me the letters were wrong so I stayed with the VA.  This of course did nothing for me in regards to any possible surgeries. Hence my interest in Kaiser again.  Then Michelle begins talking about how Kaiser won't be helping her further with surgeries when she hits 65 as they will convert her coverage to their "Senior Advantage plan. Well that popped my glowing hopes bubble.
  My sister received her Kaiser senior advantage reference book, I've read it from cover to cover. There is not one word regarding transgender services. So much for that idea.
   What it means to me is: It's a good thing I haven't thought seriously of having surgeries yet because 1. The VA won't do them and under this administration the services the VA does supply is likely to be ended. 2. I'm left with Medicare as the option I have now but finding those services it not easy and again under this administration it could easily become a thing of the past. 3. Find a benevolent insurance company to enroll with. Again this current administration is working to undermine that and there already is no such thing as a benevolent insurance company they are all greedy crooks. or 4. somehow get my papers all change and obtain a passport and go overseas for them.
    It'll be easier to just not think about surgeries I'm by no mean certain I need anyway. Maybe all I needed was some props to fill out the clothes I like to wear.
 

[Kendra]

> or 4. somehow get my papers all change and obtain a passport

At my endocrinology appoinment today I asked my doctor for a medical certification letter and she said yes, I'll receive it in a few days.  I'll be using that letter to update the gender marker and name on my US Passport.  With gender marker change it's basically a new passport application but approval is automatic - a birth certificate with previous name and gender marker is ok if the doctor's letter is attached.  Under current rules this is super easy once you have that letter. 

Hint, hint...

[Laurie]

  If I ever feel a need for one I'll get a lawyer who knows something about document changes

[Laurie]

   This morning when I signed off I picked up my phone to find a text from out of the blue sent  I can only assume to torment me about my grand kids. He implied that it was my choice to walk away from them and that is how he and my daughter will ensure they remember me.

  What a wonderful way to end a day that had been going well before reading it.

  I guess I'll go have a great day undergoing an hour of face torture  this afternoon. It's got to be better.

[Jessica Lynne]

Oh Laurie, that's so sad. May I ask a personal question? What do you attribute your childrens narrow minded hatefulness to? Is there something in their childhood that may have contributed to this? Was there anything you can pinpoint that may attribute where all this bile originates? It seems so difficult to imagine these are your family members. Has something in your philosophy changed since their rearing or is this just an anomoly? Things generally don't exist in a vacuum.  Have you given any consideration as to why any of this is the state of your relationship?

Be steong and be well. Regardless of their ignorance, only you can define you. Jess

[Laurie]

Oh Laurie, that's so sad. May I ask a personal question? What do you attribute your children's narrow minded hatefulness to? Is there something in their childhood that may have contributed to this? Was there anything you can pinpoint that may attribute where all this bile originates? It seems so difficult to imagine these are your family members. Has something in your philosophy changed since their rearing or is this just an anomaly? Things generally don't exist in a vacuum.  Have you given any consideration as to why any of this is the state of your relationship?

Be strong and be well. Regardless of their ignorance, only you can define you. Jess

  Jess,

  I cannot speak for my son in law but him and I have never been the best of friends. I've seen him thoroughly enjoy belittling others he has disagreements with at loves to do it publicly. I believes it feeds his ego.
  My daughter on the other hand did grow up in a dysfunction home with an insecure cross dressing alcoholic and drug abusing dad. Her mother also did drugs. On top of that she was being sexually abused by the young man and some of the boys in the neighborhood, Said abuse was unknown to her mom and I until after the fact. All of which I got the blame for to the point that she insinuated that I must have known she was being abused and allowed it to go on.  She got the idea that all of her personal problems stemming from her bad childhood for the Adult Children of Alcoholic support group whose premise that all of a child of an alcoholic problems are the fault of the alcoholic. A doctrine she has embraced wholeheartedly.  I thought we were past that and that she had forgiven me. I was wrong she brought it back up and threw it in my face in a public denouncement of me and my being transgender. My coming out to them was what brought it all out.
   Her mother did her best to ruin me after our divorce by outing me to all of of friends and even coming to my work to out me to my boss. I guess my daughter got that nastiness from her. I've never been one to do that to someone else myself. I never even bad mouthed my ex to my daughter after the divorce and encouraged  my daughter to have a relationship with her Mom. I let her make up her own mind about her mom.