In the last post I said I may have gotten on the wrong roller coaster. Today's ride has been a bit of a rough one and changed almost by the minute. may day started out by waking at 6 having gone to bed a little after 4am. I was okay for awhile and came on to Susan's reading various posts until I came to one I really didn't like. That started it. I wanted to put my 2 cents in and believe me I wasn't about to be nice about it. I got angry, angry at some of the posts I was reading there, angry at the people writing the posts. Then I got frustrated. I was frustrated with not being able to express my anger because I knew it would only get me into trouble if I did.
About this time my friend in Mizzery messages me to tell me someone else was wondering where I went since I deactivated my facebook. She wanted me to tell her what to reply to this other friend and I told her to tell her what i'd done and why if she wanted as I didn't care. Well that triggered her old hen mothering mode and got her concerned about me. Just the thing I needed to start my tears. So she start in with "put on a happy face .. or I will book a flight" (and she would too). I guess my response of "don't waste your money" then I told her I was just having a bad day. (Now I can picture here looking at plane schedules) She let it go when I told her I'll talk to my therapist tomorrow. Now I just feel somewhat down so it's an improvement.
Shortly after Liz comes on and we start talking and of course I have to bring up that damn thread that upset me earlier and sure as poo I get bent out of shape again and go into a death spiral. anger, and hate morph into self loathing and worthlessness to wishing I wasn't here. it took all of maybe 15 minutes. I felt sorry for Liz having to witness another of my meltdowns. Of course that helped be feel wonderful right? So now I am just in a rotten mood and it took awhile to get back out of it. and back to being okay again. I know I didn't relate it completely accurately but it gives you and idea of where my screwed up head takes me. It doesn't take much and I'm off feeling like crap again or crying or a lot of times both. I started some music on youtube I liked and eventually became okay again. Ready to do it all over again.
I feel sorry for my friends that get in the line of fire. Usually it is Liz that bears the brunt of it.
Speaking of therapy as I mentioned I have an appointment for late afternoon and I have nothing to talk to him about.
Yeah right. And no I didn't get a call from the psych people yet. I'm guessing it's because I don't need any more medications.
Any way the ride came to a complete stop and all is poised to start again.
I'm okay really
Hugs,
Laurie
