Here I go again :-(

[Laurie]

  Forgot probably isn't the right word though I do forget. I mean it isn't intentional. But perhaps subconsciously it doesn't matter to me like it had. I just took the last two doses, less than an hour after the first so it's like taking them all at once instead of spreading them out. My doctor doesn't care which way I take them and differences in the effectiveness between both methods is pretty minor anyway. What bothers me is that I'm not taking them as I had been doing. Why the lack of concern for sticking to my schedule? When will taking them at all become unimportant? Maybe it is just another sign of my not caring whether I am here or not. I have that feeling that I'm just going through the motions in an imitation of life without anything to give it meaning.

[HappyMoni]

Laurie, it is what you do. Put one uncaring foot in front of the other until you are at a place where you do care. Fight to find that purpose you don't have right now. It will come. It will turn around. You will not always feel like this.
Moni

[Jayne01]

If the difference between taking the meds all together or spreading them out is minor, could it be that it is only keeping to the schedule that has become less important to you and not the actual taking of the meds.? You are still taking your full daily dose.

I am sorry you are still feeling down. I read most of your posts to other members here. You give us all hope and inspiration. It was only a few hours ago that you posted on my own thread with a music clip that made my day. Your life has plenty of meaning. I know it is difficult to see anything positive when you feel depressed. Trust your friends here that you are important to us and are a wonderful supportive person. To repeat Moni's words, keep fighting and you will find what you need.

Take good care of yourself.

Jayne

PS: the photo on your curry book looks yummy. If I ever make it to your part of the world, I may be inclined to impose on you for a meal.

[p]

Hi Laurie! Lots of ups and downs since I last checked in, but I am glad that you are holding on. Moni's advice is as always great, "Put one uncaring foot in front of the other until you are at a place where you do care." I was really moved to see that your sister gave you the jewelry set from your mom--so very sweet, as was the cookbook gift. You are so loved, Laurie J!!

[Sno]

(Hugs)
Laurie, you know where I am at - and how to get in touch - maybe you're just looking too hard to find your purpose.
We all expect to find a big noble cause (I have, but it's going to take a bucket of work to get going, so I have to get well), and for others it's the simple joy of small things done well - a timely card, a home baked cookie, a welcome to a stranger.
Remember also that some of us are up and around, before and after your locale, so there is always someone to chat with in messages, or on chat.
It's always taken weeks for the meds to kick in, but I'm one for slow and sure, to take my time rather than a Big Bang and a quick trip to side effect city - these things take time.

Be gentle with yourself. We're going to get through this, and support as best we can.

Rowan

[Laurie]

  Start  the new dose of antidepressant tonight so  it's 4x the starting amount. I'm not sure what result they are expecting with the medication as I haven't been enlightened with that information. At the last meeting with my pill pusher nurse, she decided I haven't gotten there yet, therefore the reason for this increase. I do know that I'm still not thinking of methods but I haven't thrown the idea out either. these last few days have been kind of off. I've been moody and a bit short about things. I don't really know how to describe it. Like I said things are just off.

[p]

So glad that you are continuing your healing journey, Laurie. It sounds like you want more information about your meds' intended effects. That seems reasonable to me. Perhaps someone would be available to discuss with you from their office? I hope that you tolerate the increased dose well. Big hugs! 

[Sno]

Hon, why don't you ask Cindy.?

Rowan

[Laurie]

 I love the peace and quiet to be had wandering in a forest listening to the sounds of nature around you. The rustle of leaves from the breeze in the tree or from the scurrying of some small unseen animal. Sitting with my back against a tree watching the birds flit from branch to branch. The cry of a bluejay giving the alarm or the irate chittering of a squirrel not in my head this time, but in a nearby tree because I have invaded his territory. So peaceful.
  Though this could be any of many such experiences I've had, this one happens to be a specific memory of mine. It was back in 1995. My Dad had died several months earlier. I had lost my job I'd had for 18 years. And my divorce was final. I sat with my back against that tree with the barrel of a shotgun in my mouth debating with myself about pulling the trigger. 
  Obviously I did not. At times now I'm wishing I had.  I've thought of going for a ride up into the mountains and forests around here. They are more beautiful and as peaceful as that other forest but I'm afraid that if I do, I'll bring my shotgun and not return. I would be at peace with myself.

[Devlyn]

Bring a camera instead. You might catch that unseen creature out in the open, and you can share it with us.

Hugs, Devlyn

[MaryT]

The woods may be "lovely, dark and deep", Laurie, but remember that you have "promises to keep".  I may be selfish for saying so, but your life means a lot to many people. 

I love nature too.  Enjoy it over and over again.  Like Devlyn said, you could take a camera and share it with us.

[Jayne01]

Take a photo of a Blue Jay. I think I have only seen one once and it was from a distance. I would like for you to take a photo of one and post it here so I can see what they look like. We don't have them here in Oz.

Jayne

[Laurie]

  I am having quite a rough time of it these last several days. Everyone like to use the roller coaster metaphor in regard to starting HRT but it is really applicable with my recent days. For quite some time I've been saying that the good news is I'm not thinking of ways to do away with myself and though that is true it doesn't mean I actually want to be here. I still do have thoughts of an end as you can see from my last post. I can actually see me doing it. I can't trust myself not to when I get to feeling like that.
  Then I have days like today. I have been doing pretty darn good posting  in the forums very much like I used to. Positive, encouraging, and upbeat. And I've felt good while doing it. I could almost fool myself except for the several times today that I have felt like curling up in the corner and crying. But I can't. Instead silent tears run down my cheeks as they are at this moment. Unbidden and unwanted I know where they come from and what is causing them. These damn pills have made it so I can feel again and they are the emotions I am not able to hold back. They are the hurt and love and pain and happiness I can't let out. It is everything I don't dare to let any one know I feel. It everything I don't want to feel but it leaks out and runs down my cheeks for all to see.
  These days I feel like I don't know whether I am coming or going. I am lost, not knowing which way to turn. I have no idea where I am going or what is next.  My life is on hold and I just want it all to end.

[p]

Hey love, I am worried about you. Maybe you should call your therapist in the morning? And it seems like you should probably get rid of your guns if you are thinking of using them in that way. We all care about you, Laurie, and we need your love and support in our lives. Please do not harm yourself. I love you, sister! 

[Laurie]

Hey love, I am worried about you. Maybe you should call your therapist in the morning? And it seems like you should probably get rid of your guns if you are thinking of using them in that way. We all care about you, Laurie, and we need your love and support in our lives. Please do not harm yourself. I love you, sister! 

I am okay Patti. I am not taking that ride just yet. I am just an emotional  mess is all.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

[steph2.0]

They are the hurt and love and pain and happiness I can't let out. It is everything I don't dare to let any one know I feel.

Wait... what? Why the heck not? Why do you think we're here? We sure dump on you enough. Considering it's better to give than receive, don't deny us the opportunity to give back some of the love and concern you show for us.

None of us has abandoned you yet, and we're gonna stick with you. I'm really liking the glimpses of the old you I'm seeing in the forums. Let's keep it going.

Steph

[Jayne01]

Laurie, we are all here for you. Please don't do anything that cannot be undone. We need you. Let the tears out. Cry your heart out. There is no shame in that. We have all been there. I know I have certainly cried enough tears to fill an ocean.it is ok to feel hurt and pain. It isn't pleasant while you are feeling it but they are real emotions that are best let out than suppressed. With the hurt and pain, you are also feeling love and happiness. It all adds up to a richer and more complete experience of life. If it is hurt and pain you are feeling, let it just happen and ride it out. It will soon pass and be replaced by something better. You will feel some love come your way, or you might pass some love on, or just be happy about some small thing. I was feeling rather down this morning. You even posted a reply in my thread telling me that I am not alone and you understand how I was feeling. Now I am telling you that you are not alone and I also understand how you are feeling.

It is a terrible feeling when it seems like your whole life is on hold while the rest of the world keeps spinning. I am able to completely be myself on this forum, yet in the real world I am still 100% in male mode all the time. Someone has pressed the pause button on my life while the rest of the world keeps moving. I look forward to when I am able to take another step in my transition. That is what keeps me from losing my mind. I can't look at the end result, it is too far away and I don't really know where I will end up anyway. All I can do is look at my next step. Set yourself small goals. You will eventually find your way.

Like Steph said, it is really nice to see your posts in the forums. They are always so thoughtful and encouraging.

Take good care of yourself.

Have a (((HUG)))

Jayne

[davina61]

^^^^^^^^ says it all, let it out girl as the worst thing is bottling those feelings up. Like a pressure cooker somethings got to blow. BIG HUGS XXXXXXXXX

[Sarah_P]

The others are right, don't box or bottle up those feelings, let them out. We're all here for you. I may only rarely have any good advice, but I can always listen, and give you a big, if virtual, hug!

[HappyMoni]

Laurie,
   I love you Girl. If I could offer you anything, I would give you the ability to give yourself a break. I would give you the ability to forgive yourself and stop beating yourself up. I firmly believe that you can get past this. You will feel better. At some point you will let go of the old and look forward to the new. There are some very good role models who come to mind, Rachel, Cindy. Rachel has come from despair to turn it around tremendously. I know you relate to Cindy in a special way. I am in awe of both of you in your strength in fighting cancer. This is a fight you can win Sweetie. You will win. Did I mention, I love you?
Moni