I'm non-op, and non-transitioning. I have a very lovely partner that I am making my sacrifice for. -she is my world. She knows that, and my children have had it explained to them 'and that's why I think like a girl', walk like one and socially mainly behave like one.
In terms of labelling, I identify here as a neutrois, Demi-girl. I'm more girl than not, but there is a part where I see both sides. In old times, I would have been called two-spirit. In the world outside of these walls, I am viewed with my birth designation. But that often fails, spectacularly.
I am glad, because I'm gifted a life of few surprises.
In normal life, I am an alien, I do not fit the male mould, and whilst the female mould would work much better than my current designation, I would still be denying a part of me that sees both sides. Yet it makes my heart sing when I am misgendered (not often, excepting male fail), as its endorsement that despite the odds, my gender reality is visible whether I try to hide it, or not and I accept that.
Of course there is a fundamental predilection for shoes, and handbags, nail polish and lipstick that I can, in the main satisfy vicariously, or at home in some me time. And yes, I love how my overly short nails look, for that brief time.
Yes, I get dysphoria. Being an alien is very lonesome socially - General folk find me too weird (gender flips around too much for them to handle), and there are physical parts of me that would change in a heartbeat, if I was not in my current situation. Yes I still pray for the grand struggle, to remove the options of not having hrt, or some procedures, yes I have days when I desire to cease to be present, and now I have many days when I know, to the depths of my soul that I am not my birth assigned gender, but I'm not the other either., well not entirely. And dysphoria is worse when I'm with a true alpha-female, somehow I try to be more femme, and end up biting my tongue to keep myself quiet, because nice girls don't do that, do they. Keeping busy helps, and keeping technically challenged helps too.
It is not an easy path, although I am one of the few who is able (at the moment), to keep some kind of truce in place, and it is a truce.
It's through the good folk here that Rowan (my femme name), is given the good air to breathe, to be herself. Yes I'm intrigued to how I came to be - I have a grandmother who was likely given DES, and possibly my mother too (not sure that will ever see the light of day), and as a result have eunuchoid habitus, but I am pleased that I have life here, even if that's limited.
The outcome from suppressing all of this, is sadly that I get really, horribly frightened about specific sorts of acknowledgement, change and control. It does manifest as self harm, although I'm smart(dumb!) enough to have chosen a tool the leaves little if any marks. I get panic attacks for *anything* involving needles and loss of control, and that has landed me in hospital. I get depressed, because I feel "wrong" in myself, and yet what lifts me is love. I love folk and their potential, I want to help them understand that I care and love them for daring to be themselves. I innately desperately need to care, nurture and feed my idiosyncratic family, even if the food that is needed is encouragement, so that in my heart I can have some hope that they do not feel null and void. The unspoken blank page.
In my career, I'm good at being the hard ass, as I see both sides and the social machinations, the underlying agendas, and the compromise needed to bring agreements and progress. I also pump 130% of me into my roles, because the outcome, the success is my gift of love. It is what I can give birth to, inspite of not actually being able to birth a child - and yes I would love to feel the stirring of infinite potential within me, and that makes me sad, every time I see another woman on that great journey that I would love to be able to do myself.
I'd suggest that I'm lesbian - no interest in the males what so ever really, and I doubt that would change even if I do get to crack transition.
Will this change? I don't know.
Maybe. I am certain that I am trans - my life only makes sense if incorrect gender based behaviours are applied. Susan's place and the lovely ladies and gents are my group therapy, I'm sure I would be in a very dark place without them.
(hugs)
Rowan
