Gender Therapy and fear

[amandam]

I am also being treated for anxiety and depression. I tend to worry too much. Catastrophic thinking. This makes therapy tough. I get overwhelmed emotionally. For instance, when the idea of being transsexual came up in my head, I panicked. All of a sudden it was, I'll lose my job, my house, my wife, my kids, I'll be poor and living in the ghetto cause no one will hire an obvious transsexual.

We all know stories where this has happened to trans people. It could be easier to just suck down the Prozac and not deal with it.

This is where I'm stuck. If I do therapy, I might find out I'm a transsexual. Or, I might find out I'm not and will get along find just embracing femininity. I know, intellectually, that it would be better for me to know. But, I'm so afraid to open up to myself about this. It causes me a lot of stress just thinking about it. How did you deal with getting over this disabling fear/emotion/etc? You might want to say just push forward, but I'm also supposed to try to reduce my anxiety symptoms as well as discover my place on the gender spectrum. How can I go forward and minimize anxiety at the same time? What worked for you?

[Dena]

I never had this issue but there is something to remember. In treating gender dysphoria, nothing happens unless you want it to happen. You must agree to RLE, HRT and surgery. If you don't what it, it isn't going to happen.

You have a support system here that is extremely good and if there is a way to avoid problems, we will help you with it. Most of the the time, the worst case doesn't happen. We also live in a world now that is far more accepting than the one I transitioned in. Yes it is possible to lose a job. It happens to CIS all the time. While I don't know what you look like, I suspect you can put on a presentable image. While my avatar looks feminine, until two year ago, my voice was in the mid masculine range. Still I remained employed and even did phone support work. Just deal with one problem at a time and don't worry about the problems that aren't yet problems.

[amandam]

Thanks, I reread my post, and it seems like I catastrophized my gender issues. I got to get a handle on this anxiety thing.

[Laurie]

Hi Amanda,

  I cannot say I know anything about anxiety issues but I am sure that they are no fun. I have a gender therapist but then I don't currently have a "next appointment" I don't have any really pressing issues so my therapist has left it up to me to decide when I need to talk again. I am thinking of making an appointment just to talk over a few things that I have recently done and discuss how I feel they have affected me. Mind you these are good things but discussing how I feel about them could be beneficial. So keep in mind gender therapy is not just about things that distress you. They can help you see what to do next or just explore how you feel about things.

  I hope you approach therapy as something that can really help you deal with things whether they be good or ones that cause you anxiety. Talking  about both is good for you.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[JoanneB]

As Dena said, way too many people make that fantastic leap from "I think I may be trans" to "OMG I need to transition. I'll loose everything, my friends, family job, money...." This sure does not exactly sound like the pathway to happiness to me

I know/knew I was trans since I was like 4. I was also 6ft tall and balding fast since like 14. I've been on full dose HRT since like 54. I still live and present primarily as male. I also found a path to happiness that so far allows me to balance all the needs and wants in my life that are important to me. Even most of those in total conflict

A TG support group may be too much of a cheering squad for you at this point. A gender therapist with experience with a broad spectrum of TG clients from questioning, CD, Non-Binary, to full transitioning sounds like a good option to help you sort things out.

And then.... There is "Susan's". Like many Self-Help book was for me, Some spoke to me and I couldn't put them down. Others got sent back to library after the first few chapters, if that far

[Steph Eigen]

There are many of us here on the forum that struggle with be transgender.  I am one of them. 

It is not a given that you will need to transition; indeed the decision to do so is a complex one that needs to be sorted out in a course of proper therapy by a skillful, well-trained therapist.  Especially, if you are prone to panic or other affective disorder superimposed on your gender issues, you really need to find a well qualified therapist and potentially a psychiatrist if medications are needed.  Be sure to sort out all your issues, most likely the panic issues first then once in a better state of mind, the gender concerns.

I urge you not to approach this from the standpoint of avoidance; specifically, fearing that therapy will raise the specter of ->-bleeped-<-.  The fact that you joined this forum and are struggling with questions over gender signals that you need therapy and someone to help you figure out the bigger picture.  Gender dysphoria is a nasty thing and cannot be ignored or wished away.  You will need to confront it at some point or alternatively struggle with anxiety and depression.

It is not a given that you will need to abandon wife, family, children, work, community, etc.; nor is it a given that they will abandon you. 

While you may get many perspectives on this forum, my own and that of many is that transition is not a monolithic entity, not the answer for all, in most cases the last resort when dysphoria is unmanageable by lesser means.  Some can obtain sufficient relief without full physical and social transition (my case) while others struggle with severe depression, anxiety, and overall misery leading to suicide without it.  The decision to transition is such a monumental event in one's life, one that should not be made without the benefit of professional counsel and careful consideration of all the options.  That said, there are those where the decision is self evident.

I urge you to read the brief book by Anne Vitale, PhD, The Gendered Self.  She's  a gender therapist and MTF transexual.  I found her observations spot on and advice insightful.   

https://www.amazon.com/Anne-M-Vitale/e/B004MFRCZ0

Her website:

http://www.avitale.com/

Also see this series of YouTube videos:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw

[Steph Eigen]

Also see this current Susan's thread:


https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226526.0/topicseen.html

[amandam]

Well it looks like we're narrowing things down. I'm not a crossdresser, fetish or otherwise. I'm also not a transsexual, i.e., needing surgery. I'm in the middle somewhere on the spectrum, lean more toward female.

I have too many conditions to be a TS. I could transition if I could look like Marlo Thomas in my avatar, but not as a non-passing TS. I won't go there, that's my limit. I think if I was really TS, I wouldn't care. I would like electrolysis and may discuss with the wife. The idea of having breasts is very attractive, but not sure on that one. I would have to have the wife be okay with it and then decide if I need hormones or not. Not too sure though, it's a heavy step, health risks, etc. and what do I do if they show in guy mode? Yeah, maybe not, unless I wanted to go 24/7.

Could I live as a woman, yes. Would I? If I was good-looking, yes. If I was an obvious TS or not good-looking, no.  If FFS made me presentable would I? I don't know, it's an awful lot of pain, etc. to try to get there. Not sure I want to work that hard. I've been out crossdressed in my youth and was presentable, but now, I'd need a little work. I do know I need to move more toward the feminine to be happy. Lose weight, some electrolysis, etc.

I knew a TS once, I thought, hmmm, maybe. Then I saw an obvious TS who just didn't pass. I got a visceral response and thought, "no way, no effin way". I'm sorry if that is harsh. Just telling the truth.

Too many conditions being thrown up. While I want to be a woman, sometimes very badly, I don't "have to" be a woman. Who knows, maybe later I'll change my mind. But for now, no.

Please feel free to comment. 

[JoanneB]

Well it looks like we're narrowing things down. I'm not a crossdresser, fetish or otherwise. I'm also not a transsexual, i.e., needing surgery. I'm in the middle somewhere on the spectrum, lean more toward female.

Welcome to the spectrum, somewhere up the creek without a paddle 

I have too many conditions to be a TS. I could transition if I could look like Marlo Thomas in my avatar, but not as a non-passing TS. I won't go there, that's my limit. I think if I was really TS, I wouldn't care. I would like electrolysis and may discuss with the wife. The idea of having breasts is very attractive, but not sure on that one. I would have to have the wife be okay with it and then decide if I need hormones or not. Not too sure though, it's a heavy step, health risks, etc. and what do I do if they show in guy mode? Yeah, maybe not, unless I wanted to go 24/7.

All things in life are subject to change, as you probably been noticing. I could have written this 30 years, 20 years ago, and 8 years ago when I first walked into my first ever therapists office saying transition isn't on my RADAR, been there tried it twice, not for me. Now it's 8 years of HRT, a body I feel happy living in, and a TON of working on myself to heal the wounds from a lifetime of trying to trying to keep an ocean of corks submerged from inside my leaky row-boat

Could I live as a woman, yes. Would I? If I was good-looking, yes. If I was an obvious TS or not good-looking, no.  If FFS made me presentable would I? I don't know, it's an awful lot of pain, etc. to try to get there. Not sure I want to work that hard. I've been out crossdressed in my youth and was presentable, but now, I'd need a little work. I do know I need to move more toward the feminine to be happy. Lose weight, some electrolysis, etc.

"Vanity, thy name is woman"
Some 30+ years ago I made a horrid female presentation. At 6ft tall, big everything, deeper then the average male voice, and balding fast I "settled" for being just a CD. I'm still that same, even older, even balder person. Yet a lot has changed about myself, most importantly accepting who and what I am. Not intellectually, but on a deep emotional level. Fast forward to today, like a fine wine I got better with age. Even to my TG support group members I was unrecognizable in male mode the first time they saw me that way for a TDOR activity.

I knew a TS once, I thought, hmmm, maybe. Then I saw an obvious TS who just didn't pass. I got a visceral response and thought, "no way, no effin way". I'm sorry if that is harsh. Just telling the truth.

And did you happen to take notice of the aura of joy and happiness that enveloped her? Again 30 years ago I experienced that same reaction. Lots of internalized transphobia, Shame, Guilt, and the dark cloud of "Some Guy in a Dress" that enveloped me. I see the world differently today thanks to hard work I put in to heal myself from the inside. How I saw my outsides only changed after that. How I experienced moving through the world also changed. Nothing can compare to the sheer joy of being out in the real world as the real me. When I get that occasional too long of a look my way, my immediate reaction is not "Some guy in a dress" like it was in the past. Today I think to myself I guess I was right I looked pretty good for an dinosaur as I took that last look in the full length mirror before leaving the house.

Too many conditions being thrown up. While I want to be a woman, sometimes very badly, I don't "have to" be a woman. Who knows, maybe later I'll change my mind. But for now, no.

Same here. I do not feel the NEED to transition most days, Want to, Wish I could, Sure. It is a difficult balancing act for sure for all the other important aspects in one's life. I will not put at risk 80% or so of what is important in order to gain that incremental, if not transitory, achievement of feeling and being 100% genuine. Tomorrow.... We're playing it one day at a time hangin out on the corner of Hopelessness and Futility.

[Deb Roz]

Hi Amanda,

I feel I can relate to your position fairly well.  I'm in my mid 30s, and am only now finally confronting my gender questions.  I'm also being seen for Anxiety and Depression, and I was just thinking I wanted to post on the subject when I came upon your post.  I also catastrophize- one thing leads to another, and tend to pan out a bit, and see my whole life stretched out on a line, and it's "butwhatabout-butwhatabout- butwhatabout?" and I go bonkers.  Or, I'll do the same thing, but I'll get really low, and I just want to sigh, cry, and give up on all of it.  It can be seriously overwhelming.

As a result, I'm taking things very slowly.  From what I've read of others, many on here who transition reach a point where they feel they have to, because to not do so would be so self destructive, that confronting their fears is the only conclusion.  I'm not there yet.  I am not in touch with that deep passion, however, I am deeply curious about it.  So I'm moving forward slowly to see just how important this is to me.  It is very scary. 

It sounds like you are also confronting these questions.  You've discovered all of these caveats that may help to sort of corral your viewpoint into something more or less accurate to who you are and how you feel.  What role will your gender play in your life?  Maybe transition is off the table, but perhaps there is some deep satisfaction you can find in other ways of expressing your gender.   I am asking these questions too.

I'm sorry if all I've done here is to make it about me    I don't mean to do that.  I just want to relate my understanding, and to let you know that you're not alone.  I am a big advocate for Therapy, I think it is wonderful.  The process may be long and slow, but I'm learning to be more in touch with my repressed feelings, and learning coping skills like breathing and locating my emotions in my body. 

I like to hear about the journey of others on this board.  I hope to hear more from you. 

[amandam]

Well, I've had a day to absorb it. My mind has been all over the place thinking about this. I think I am happy that I am more than a crossdresser. But, I kinda knew already. Too many signs. I also have some fears about it. The great unknown. Happiness and fear at the same time. Haven't experienced that before.

One thing I am glad of, is that my sexual proclivities are more complicated than just a crossdresser indulging fetishes to get his jollies. Not anything wrong with that, but for me, I'm a Christian, and I was upset that I was committing a sin I couldn't control. I know that my complicated sex life is probably the result of the intertwining of my male desires and my female identity. Some sort of twisted up thing, not necessarily a purposeful sin. So, I feel I need to explore my feminine self to understand myself.

Thank God for this forum and my therapist!

[elkie-t]

Well honey, you won't know what it feels to be out as a woman unless you stop panicking and try it.  Nor would you know what can you achieve there unless you try. Whether you can live as you are now or not, it's up to you really. You cannot have omelette without breaking an egg. And there is no guarantee you'd like an omelette more than the egg.

[amandam]

That's true. I need to decide how to move more feminine. Unless I do, I'll not be as happy as I can be. But just knowing I am transgender has brought me a certain amount of peace.

[elkie-t]

That's true. I need to decide how to move more feminine. Unless I do, I'll not be as happy as I can be. But just knowing I am transgender has brought me a certain amount of peace.

The best thing to train you to move more feminine is heels. The second best are boobs. These things just make you move differently I loved wearing 3" heels non-stop all day in my apartment... after a few weeks it was more comfortable to wear them than go bare feet.

[amandam]

Well elkie-t, I could walk in heels from the very first time, no training needed.

I guess I've calmed down a lot. It's almost like being trans doesn't bother me any more. For a long time, I considered my transgendered feelings to be transitory, coming and going. I took that to mean I am not "completely" trans, or that I'm not trans but somewhere between trans and crossdresser, or I only think I'm trans when I'm stressed.

Then I read on here that trans feelings can ebb and flow but you are still trans. I do have times when they get overwhelming and times when they don't really bother me so much. I would like to understand this more. Any words of wisdom?

[amandam]

Had the sixth therapy session out of six. Here's where I stand if I am deciphering my therapist correctly, and my feelings. I am transgender, I identify as a woman. I do show some traits of being a crossdresser (maybe that's the fetish stuff, or the idealization of pretty women). It is unknown if I am a candidate for transition, it is possible. Although I want to be a woman, I don't "have to". At least not now. As I move forward in self-discovery, this may change or it may not. She said don't let the slippery-slope idea of reassignment scare me out of finding myself as I can stop at any time and for any reason. Don't make it the bogey-man at the end of the road. Walk down the road and see where I end up.

She said my number one problem is self-acceptance. She helped me create some mantras, and wants me to slowly introduce more "fem" into my life. Definitely keep my nails so I lose being self-conscience of them. Then I should do something like look into laser hair removal for the hair that bothers me, like my hands. Each "fem" item should be done slowly so I can lose the self-consciousness. I must learn to accept AND let myself feel happy about the change if that is what I feel. Don't do too much at one time and overwhelm myself as I am fighting internal transphobia, etc.

She said she could refer me to a long-term gender therapist. She also said it might be better if I wasn't so isolated, that I had friends and contacts who will accept me totally. She talked about maybe group therapy, etc. with people like me. They don't have groups like that, but the Center does in San Diego. She said I should try that before entering long-term therapy but it was my choice. I can always call her later and she'll take care of it.

What did I take away from these six sessions?

I know I am transgender, yeah, kinda knew, but I accept it now. I know my fetish feelings are diminishing so that leads me to believe I am decoupling my testosterone from my gender identity. This has been a welcome surprise. I also know that although I am transgender, I don't know what I "really" need, only a journey can tell me that. The journey all of you are on.

I also know, no matter what, I must stop my internal transphobia. I must learn to accept, then like, then love who I am. Instead of forcing this fake, macho dude on myself. I'm not very good at it anyway. Ha.

Maybe I'll transition, maybe I won't. But, I have to journey toward peace. There is no other option.<insert mantra about acceptance>.

I love my therapist, she is a true friend, I will miss her.

[elkie-t]

Just dress yourself and go out. Once you're out, you'll learn a lot of self-acceptance. You can do it at some distance from your house where no one knows you. In the beginning, go to safe places (such as LGBT-friendly bars or festivals) and stay on well-lit streets.

What is important, is not to stuck in some support group of miserable people who are too afraid to get dressed and only share their misery Although not all support groups are like that.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[jill610]

This is so familiar and totally relatable. I've known since I was 4 or as long as I can remember, and saw therapists through the years and kept finding reasons to just exist as a male. That came to a crashing head a year ago and I started hormones a week ago. After 39 years I just got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore.

If I learned anything, it is that in this journey, you really need to assess what you need to do to be happy in your life. YOLO. If something in the middle is what you need to balance the needs and wants in your life, then that's what you should do. I wasn't true to myself and seem to be paying for it now.

[Laurie]

 Hi Amanda,

  You have come a long way already girl. Remember that. Your therapist is so right when she advises taking things slow it isn't a race. The pace you are comfortable with is the right one. But you must not just come to a stop either, Progress is the key even if it seems at times that you are standing still, you are probably working on something that will take time. And lastly you talked of the journey "you are all on". You, my dear, are on one of your own. Don't you doubt that it started when you first had thoughts of being different and began questioning you gender. Wherever it may lead you it is a journey, one uniquely your own.
  I look forward to reading more of your journey as it unfolds so don't you go sneaking off.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[rmaddy]

Well it looks like we're narrowing things down. I'm not a crossdresser, fetish or otherwise. I'm also not a transsexual, i.e., needing surgery. I'm in the middle somewhere on the spectrum, lean more toward female.

The middle can be an uncomfortable place, although some here seem to manage it quite well. 

Could I live as a woman, yes. Would I? If I was good-looking, yes. If I was an obvious TS or not good-looking, no.

Please feel free to comment. 

I'll take this request at face value...

It matters less in the long run what you do with your face, breasts or genitals than whether you come to realize the sort of sexism embodied in the second statement and do your utmost to overcome it.