Gender Therapy and fear

[amandam]

Welp, I didn't win the Powerball. So, I can't ask myself if I want to transition.

If I didn't have a wife and kids, a job with transphobic people, an income, a house, a retirement account that is building. If it wouldn't upend supporting my 3 kids through college. If I didn't have internal transphobia. If I could really open up to myself. Would I transition? Part of me says, "Heck yes, do it!". Part of me says I don't know. Oh God, I am sick of thinking about this everyday.

[JoanneB]

Welp, I didn't win the Powerball. So, I can't ask myself if I want to transition.

If I didn't have a wife and kids, a job with transphobic people, an income, a house, a retirement account that is building. If it wouldn't upend supporting my 3 kids through college. If I didn't have internal transphobia. If I could really open up to myself. Would I transition? Part of me says, "Heck yes, do it!". Part of me says I don't know. Oh God, I am sick of thinking about this everyday.

Welcome to the "Club" 

Not quite everyday for me, but a lot of days. About everyday I have far bigger things to fret over like a dying, depressed, suicidal wife; a looming retirement, a retirement home, a current home that will take about 3 30 Yard dumpsters to empty the crap my wife wants to hold on to, just to sort out what the really important stuff is that needs to get moved.

BTW - I set my sights pretty low. 2-3 million cash in hand is all I need to make my decision to transition.

[amandam]

When I watched That Girl as a kid, I wanted to be Ann Marie. I still do. OMG, I wish I was her so bad. I know, silly.

[JoanneB]

When I watched That Girl as a kid, I wanted to be Ann Marie. I still do. OMG, I wish I was her so bad. I know, silly.

I had my sights set higher, Myrna Loy as Nora Charles in the Thin Man. Smart, sassy, ultra fem or down in the dirt... and the clothing!

[amandam]

Sometimes, I was sexually attracted to women and wanted to be them at the same time, like Barbara Eden or nowadays, Gwen Stefani. The funny thing is, I have NEVER been sexually attracted to That Girl. And she has been my number one idol. The girl who I wished I was, my entire life. If it would work, I would beg God to turn me into her. Of that, I am 100% sure.

Why is it we have that one girl?

[JoanneB]

Why is it we have that one girl?

The Human Condition... We all love having a Hero. Someone we can look up to. Someone we wish we can be like. Someone who has traits, characteristics, ways of being who they are, that we admire.

Meanwhile.... Back at the ranch. We tried ever so valiantly to be what everyone around us expected us to be. That one _________ or __________ Hero. That one someone to look up to. What they wished/wanted of themselves. To possess the traits, the characteristics, the ways of being they wanted to be.

Some of us eventually learn.... The Truth.  OK Yes, it takes a lot of time and; Dare I say balls? to act upon that truth.

[amandam]

Well, I did it. I had to convo with the wife.

I had to define the spectrum for her. Then told her I am on the spectrum and I am not a crossdresser. Also told her it is possible I am in the far end of the spectrum, TS, but that is only a small percentage of TG people. Told her much of what I have said in this thread, the slippery slope, etc. My fear of TS as the big boogieman, etc. She also knows I've been dealing with this a long time and since she met me I've had some sort of melancholy about me.

She is okay with my being transgender. She is okay with my taking steps along the journey. Her number one priority is that I find relief from my anxiety and depression. She says she will get a better husband in return. She is also okay if I have to take low dose hormones to elevate my mood. I told her that things down below might not work as well if I do that, but she said they don't anyway,  , meaning hers! She suffers post-menopausal dryness, etc. I asked her if I transitioned if she would stay with me, she said she didn't know. We'd have to see when the time came. She seems genuinely unconcerned about this. Isn't she supposed to yell and scream? Isn't this supposed to be the apocalypse? Maybe she's glad cause she don't have to love me any more? Seriously, it's like not a big problem to her!

So basically, I have carte blanche. Not sure how I feel., very anticlimactic.

[elkie-t]

Why don't you stop second guessing and self-doubt and not run to an endo for your low-dose HRT?


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[amandam]

did you mean just go get low dose hrt?

[elkie-t]

did you mean just go get low dose hrt?

Yes unless you want high dose HRT


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[amandam]

Soooooo tempting. Baby steps.

[elkie-t]

Baby steps is not a requirement. In fact, I believe in slow preparations, yet full-speed ahead when the opportunity is right


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[JoanneB]

Congrats Amanda    Seems like your talk went far better then yo could have imagined.

I am a big fan of baby steps. I've often seen postings on SO's freaking after surviving the T-Bomb and the next thing they see is Full Speed Ahead. Just because the talk went well, how your wife may feel as "Reality" slowly sets in, you don't know.

There are a lot more success stories these days. It sounds like your wife has a great attitude. My wife benefited also from the HRT by getting a far better person in return. She isn't too happy about me having nicer boobs, but....

[amandam]

Thanks! I can't believe it. But, she knows many times my heart would pound and breathing would be hard (anxiety) so I had to lay on the bed until I calmed down. And then the anxiety was so bad I couldn't go up an escalator. She knows the suffering I've lived with.

I'm scared and excited at the same time. I look at girls, even on TV, and God! I wish I was them! And there is nothing stopping me if I don't want to stop! I know, I have to see if I can live with myself - man/woman/inbetween, wherever my journey takes me.

In celebration, I just ordered a Tria 4x. Oops, I didn't tell her. Guess I'll have to sooner or later. Maybe later. 

[amandam]

And my Tria is here. And my wife don't care. And she wants to use it too. Yay for me! Why is this so easy? LOL.

[JoanneB]

And my Tria is here. And my wife don't care. And she wants to use it too. Yay for me! Why is this so easy? LOL.

My therapist would ask me "Why do you think you don't deserve_____?" (The answer is obvious  )

I am getting better with that

[amandam]

You're right. Why don't I deserve happiness like other people. 

[amandam]

So, I used the Tria. On the top of my feet, 5 or so hairs each foot. On 4 of my toes, some. On my fingers, lots of hair. Part of my hands where there's this stupid little tuft. On my 3 chest hairs.  . And around my areolas, maybe 5 hairs each side.

Mostly I used power setting 2 or 3. 4 was a bit much. I'm going to do it once a week and I ain't stopping.

[LizK]

So, I used the Tria. On the top of my feet, 5 or so hairs each foot. On 4 of my toes, some. On my fingers, lots of hair. Part of my hands where there's this stupid little tuft. On my 3 chest hairs.  . And around my areolas, maybe 5 hairs each side.

Mostly I used power setting 2 or 3. 4 was a bit much. I'm going to do it once a week and I ain't stopping.

I cranked my I-light up to the max for week two treatment and will leave it there for the foreseeable future. I have noticed that the growth is now showing signs of being a little patchy on my underarms and I have not noticed the return of the ones I zapped around the edge of my areolas...there were only a few...but I will keep my eye out. I got some pretty good picks of my underarms before I started so will see how effective it is.

[JoanneB]

So, I used the Tria. On the top of my feet, 5 or so hairs each foot. On 4 of my toes, some.....

Now I really feel I was a Sasquatch    Thank you for not mentioning 'Ears'