crisis

[jinst138]

That is a nice story. Personally men make me uncomfortable though Id like to think I keep options open. I did begin developing deeper relationship with my female friend that I came out to and I felt her trying to push me out of my self absorbed lifestyle. But she fell into a coma. Since then I have recieved offers from men over the internet and I did feel as myself by playing online games but unable to create bonds with people.

I am very uptight. I think the idea of experimenting makes me unconfortable for some reason. I know I am lacking many life experiences because of my discomforts. I also worry about not being self dependent and having low self esteem may impact a relationship with others.

[Devlyn]

It's good to share your feelings. Letting the walls down can be scary, but there's no need for that when you're among friends. I need to take a nap, but I'm going to check back here later.

Hugs, Devlyn

[jinst138]

Thank you all again. Im not sure what its going to take for me to be myself more openly and trust people to build connections with them. I only know that I am not comfortable and not accepting my current life or way I see myself outwardly.

[Megan.]

When I found myself in a very similar place,  I was lucky to find a local therapist who already had a little Trans* experience,  and who had a vast amount of patience to help me address and answer those questions.

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[JoanneB]

Jinst, I've been away for a few days. "Having Issues"  Welcome to the club.  The REALLY hard part is sorting out where on the "trans"spectrum" you are... TODAY.

After 8 years of trying to figure that out for myself.... I kind of sort of have an inking. Total commitment? HELL NO

[jinst138]

JoanneB, Ive kind of stuck myself more on thinking of the past and what should have happened. I know this must be unhealthy.

[Devlyn]

JoanneB, Ive kind of stuck myself more on thinking of the past and what should have happened. I know this must be unhealthy.

It's not unhealthy, it's a natural part of the process. It can take a long time to get all your thoughts in line and move towards your goals.

Hugs, Devlyn

[jinst138]

no matter what is done people wont understand so I cant exist

[Megan.]

We understand,  and others will too,  but maybe not all; that is beyond your control. But you can learn to understand and accept yourself; growing into the person you want to be.

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[Devlyn]

no matter what is done people wont understand so I cant exist

People don't need to understand, and they'll tell you that themselves. I've had friends and acquaintances say "I don't know anything about transgender, but I can see that you're happy now."

I can see that you aren't happy now, in fact, your statement tells me that you are in denial. You will be able to work through this eventually, a therapist can speed that up by helping you sort out your thoughts. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[JoanneB]

no matter what is done people wont understand so I cant exist

So, to be clear, the choices you have are:

A) Continuing to live a life others expect you to and be miserable
B) Take a chance and do some "Exploring" to learn just what may be the real you vs the "expected to be" you

[jinst138]

i dont live a life I actually dont think anyone who knows me expects anything of me. Thank you. Im not sure how Im going to get help.

[jinst138]

Im sorry if I come off as a lost cause or beyond helping from here. Theres so much work to be done. I know what I needed to do when I was younger. And Ive let time pass again repeated now and Ive blamed others as a kid now I blame myself. And Im afraid what I need now has changed to something I didnt want before.

Im messed up in other ways. I need to go out and talk to people and do things. Im so unhealthy but I ignore ot and I start thinking about being worried of my health again when i think of coming out of my shell and that includes transitioning for my health and surgery for chest bones deformity that wrecked my childhood. People told me since I was younger to go out and get a life.

Im just venting now. Thats all.

[Kendra]

No need to apologize or blame yourself Jamie, you are opening up and that is good.

I found what really helped me is taking one step at a time and not feeling like I had to solve everything at once.  After I started addressing my core issues and tracking down resources to help, quite a few other things became easier.  I used to be really bad about not taking care of myself when I didn't appreciate or fully understand who I was. 

We can't change our past, but we can learn from it.

[jinst138]

Thing is ive always wanted more immediate change. I still think about it would have been so much easier if I did this earlier. I put things off until it builds inside terribly. And I was later more willing to start when I had a friend to hold my hand through it. But people go away.

I know I will be miserable the remainder of my life if I dont take some steps soon. I am trying to learn not to regret again another portion or my entire life. I get paniced over realizing I feel my body is deteriorating as I sit by and let everything pass me.

I always felt like im being self absorbed and superficial when wanting transition or therapy even when I was a little child. Even now my mother is in the hospital and Im thinking of myself again worried where i will end up.

[DawnOday]

https://www.susans.org/links/Local_Support_Groups_&_Organization  Here are our links above for helpful organizations. Don't know where you live to give you specifics. You are not alone. We all question and that is why finding someone to share the experience is so important. Before I started HRT I knew only one transgendered person and I met Chris-deee just before I got the ok to start treatment. Chris was amazing with me and so encouraging. I now attend meetings at the Ingersoll Gender Center in Seattle, I recently attended Gender Odyssey where there were at least 1300 people just like me and to spend four days with them was life changing. Of course we are always available for support and a shoulder to lean on. I promise you. the more you talk the better you will feel. The weight of carrying secrets is immense and once they are out, at least in my experience, you are able to take on the world. I know about health concerns as I have a lot of heart damage and the thought that I would not be able to transition on HRT. Stay safe and please do find some like minded people.

[jinst138]

I have a relative that is transgender. I met them once when I was a kid. One of the times I didnt feel like going out to a family event I felt regretful finding out they had been there just that once. I thought about wanting to talk to them. Im very much fearful of other people. I am not someone who opens up to talk at all to strangers.

[Megan.]

I used to be a person of two halves. At work I was confident,  friendly and approachable. In my personal life I was the opposite,  insecure and very uncomfortable socialising. It has taken time,  but that personal part of me is now as equally confident,  and I'm sure the reason for that is finally knowing who and what I am,  and being at ease with that.

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[jinst138]

Ive lacked confidence at all. Ive been very internal my entire life. This is why I needed to take care of this when I was younger but I didnt want to bring attention to myself or make my parents pay for things. I dont have a job.

[R W]

Sounds familiar here too especially the part about no confidence in your future. The thing to bear in mind is how you feel right now will Not be how you are feeling in a little while. We can't stress how important it is to get in touch with that therapist soon. My real journey did not start until I took that big step towards a letter. I went back into the closet for almost 2 years for family reasons after that (this, that) and hit bottom not too long ago. I see a therapist in my hometown and she helps me know what to do next. That is worth so much. If you need to talk there is somebody here for you. Hang in there-it gets better! Much better!

R W