crisis

[Kendra]

Jamie if you might have time to read a fairly long thread I'll recommend the following: MTF in need of help.  That thread took me two long evenings to read.  I went back and read it all again as that thread definitely influenced me.  Starts five years ago and shows one of our members discovering and solving and building her future.  I found her thread rewarding to read, some posts sad but true, and overall very inspiring.

[jinst138]

A little difficult to get through that thread. I just dont know. What I am. It doesnt exactly match up with how my life has played out. i dont know. 2012 though was same year I first told someone I was trans. She didnt leave me but she died and I wanted her to be there with me through it. She was very supportive. I think I had early on rejected building my life on lies so I just dont build. Im sorry. I can try reading further.

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi Jinst, this is a tough road and we all have our dark moments. I'm having one right now, and you know what they say, misery loves company lol  so if you feel like talking, complaining, venting, etc...Feel free to PM me. I'm also pretransition. Hugs!

[jinst138]

I think i just really need to be on hormones treatment and be able to afford things.

[jinst138]

I just have really really bad anxiety and floating through life is what I chose to do to cope with it and ignore realities or something like that.

[jinst138]

Im childish. Im not grown up mentally. I blame my parents not caring enough to deal with any of my problems. They just ignored and put anything off and keep secrets until it blows up and thats what I learned to do in shame of my body just covering it up. I became more quiet, antisocial. Id ignored reality as its coming toward me. Becoming a man. And now I have to grow up and become a man to take care of myself.

[jinst138]

I am aware how bad and childish I have been and this is very embarassing and I feel sick posting this. My parents have taken care of me my whole life. I know its not all relevant and im a wirthless person wallowing in my pity and lazy:

I started wearing girly clothes privately as a child because it felt good and comfortable when I was alone. And I wanted to get caught by my parents or my brothers.. I started feeling deep longing and my stomach being crushed thinking of getting older and my hair falling out and getting married with a family and looking like my father. All as I was just a child it was a feeling of impending doom. As a child I wanted to be a good kid that was quiet and got good grades and I thought of myself being christian and connected with god. I prayed to be a girl. Over time I stopped believing in that. I obsessed over my chest deformity sticking out. I also sometimes looked down at my pants if they had a weird bulge in them. Kids made fun of the way Id put my chin down to look. Kids made fun of my voice being high and my skin being pale. I tried to see the crossdressing as a phase and threw that stuff out to grow up. I went back to it over jr high. Puberty and growing hair distressed me. I tried shaving my legs in jr high and accidentally cut myself. I liked the feeling of being feminine and feeling attractive. Sometimes Id see things I wanted to buy. There was one thing I really wanted as a kid was a punk skirt and I thought of adding it to my online cart but with my dads money he might have reviewed the list.  I completely checked out mentally by 11th grade and had a mustach grown in. I couldnt talk to others anymore and couldnt focus on my work. I started hanging around a couple guys smoking weed like my brothers used to do. I thought I could be like them. I didnt talk. They thought I was scary and boring they ditched me. I had long stopped dressing up. I had a burned up face since I think 14 that broke out which actually cleared up when I was smoking. My skin condition was also ignored but I would ask for lotion for it. In 11th grade I was told I couldnt gradute. I dropped out of school. I later started opening up to a woman who lived at my house and I told her I was transgender because I wanted her to know. My parents were losing our house at the time. The woman reacted happily and it was like a dream. She knew me well how internal and antisocial I was before. She was delighted for me to open up like that. I had rarely gone out somewhere with friends and even often felt sick and pretended to be sick to avoid going to school sometimes or family events. I had stopped washing my hair by then too. I wore a hat and let my hair tangle up in it.  She and I continued meeting eachother privately. She tried to do things with me. I didnt dress around her because I felt disgusting. This went on until I moved to stay with my grandmother. I got my hair cut and started grooming properly again and I started privately wearing clothes she had given to me after I told her. We'd talk over the phone. I told her how I wanted my voice to be higher and I stressed to train it and failed. I started having fantasies about an older guy I liked when I was younger. I escaped into listening to music as I had done in the past and I imagined being held and I clung to my pillow. She went into a coma and died. My aunt and grandmother wanted me to either go back to school or get a job to stay with them. I moved back with my parents and we moved around several places. I continued dressing up and I got fresh air and excersize by walking my dog with headphones on. I wouldnt go out otherwise. I escaped into online gaming. I talked to people with my voice self taught feminized which I stressed about started coming naturally. I didnt go out anymore because we couldnt keep pets. I had stopped dressing in feminine clothes and stopped feeling those feelings. I made friends with people and a lot of guys were attracted to my voice and manner and that went places. This went on for years.

Im a sorry excuse of a person. My brothers hate me. My family wants me to grow up. People online try to get through to me to grow up when I reveal these things. I get a terrible feeling in my chest and sick in my stomach when I have to think about doing something responsible or go out somewhere alone. The same feeling I would get some days I didnt want to go to school.

[Charlie Nicki]

Depression makes us feel like there's no way out and all options are dead ends. I understand the feeling, and it seems like that's what you're going through. Talking to a professional is better, whether it is a therapist or a psychiatrist (if depression gets so bad that one can't function, medication could help).

Hang in there, you are not alone and we are all struggling.

[jinst138]

What should I do from here? tell my father and get family to take care of me or should I force myself to go out and do everything for myself

[jinst138]

what does it mean that Ive viewed my development of male characteristics as a mistake? That I think it should have been corrected but it was left alone and allowed to continue leaving me festering in this form and I only ever was able to dress feminine at times thinking that I might be able to reverse the damage done. But most of the time feeling irreversibly broken by this time thats passed.

[Megan.]

What should I do from here? tell my father and get family to take care of me or should I force myself to go out and do everything for myself

I think working to develop independence is always a valuable exercise. But that would also involve making use of all resources at your disposal,  and that could include your family if supportive.
You will only grow, develop and succeed if you own the process,  but any transition is one our family and friends have to make as well,  they will need your support as much as you need theirs.

Many here watched through puberty as our bodies developed in a way we didn't want,  but it is NEVER too late. If you want it,  take it,  you have all the power you need to make change. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[jinst138]

I put things off and left myself with the harder road as Ive always done. When my parents had some money to take care of things when I could have done something to stop what my body was doing it seems it would have been easier. Now there is little at my disposal and Im left on my own. How long is that going to take now? I dont even care enough about myself to get better now.

[jinst138]

I have control

[jinst138]

If I dont care about myself should anyone? Im not helping myself. I started thinking more about dying because my friend I came out to said she would kill herself if I did. But its just dramatic and meaningless Ive always thought.

[Megan.]

Jinst, I can see in your posts the internal conflict I also fought. This is where a professional therapist can help guide you through a journey to break that destructive cycle. I suggest this would be a good place to start. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[jinst138]

How am I supposed to afford that

[MeTony]

Hi.

I have also been where you are today. I was terrified, angry and sad because nobody had seen the obvious thing and told me in time what I could do. I realized in 2008  (31 years old) that I am transgender. In 2010 my brain melted because of my internal struggle and I had a psychosis and depression.

I saw my body change. It developed all wrong. I was a boy until 11 years old when the girly stuff started to grow and happen. I became deeply depressed. I also came out as gay.

I got myself through depression and today I know where I stand and who I am. But it was a long process of denial and doubt and thoughts of death.

I would suggest you start therapy for depression to start with. Maybe your parents can help you with that? Then you can start talking about your feelings and thoughts about being transgender with your therapist. He or she might help you to a gender therapist when you are ready.  Therapists won't tell your parents anything about your meetings.

Depression is a hard nut to crack. But it can be done. I did also isolate and had anxiety attacks when I was depressed.

I say maybe your parents can help with therapy for depression, because I know how hard it is to stand on your own and fight the demons alone. Getting a job or going to school are heavy burdens when you are depressed. Ask for help. Don't be afraid.

We are also here for you when you need to vent or rant.

I wish you strength my friend.

Tony

[jinst138]

Thank you so much. That is what I would like to do.

[DawnOday]

How am I supposed to afford that

Depending on where you live. UK has programs as well as Canada. Thanks to Obama care you are on your folks policy until you are 26. If you live on the west Coast of the US and you have Kaiser Permanente they have a transgender program that includes gender therapists, HRT, voice therapy and certain surgeries like an orchi. If you can get the therapist to sign for you as medically necessary they will pay for some of the other ffs surgeries too.

[DawnOday]

If I dont care about myself should anyone? Im not helping myself. I started thinking more about dying because my friend I came out to said she would kill herself if I did. But its just dramatic and meaningless Ive always thought.

I've lived with the problem for 65 years and there is no reason ever to take your life, mutilate yourself, however you can volunteer to help others which will take your mind off it. If I had made the decision to kill myself when I was your age i would not have two kids, a granddaughter, a home and a wife of 35 years that has been with me every step of the way. Please seek counseling. It really helps. Be honest. I made my first appointment with a therapist in 1984 but could not reveal my secret. Over the yeas I went at least 5 other occasions each time telling them I was stressed instead of what the real problem is. It's always been there from the time I can remember at 4 or 5.