Cassie's deeply moving posts and other's references to journaling apps got me thinking about the first entry I'd made into Day One on my tablet. I'd decided to keep a journal on the morning after I came out to my wife, and though I didn't keep up with it (most of my life ended up getting journaled here), I did write an extensive entry that morning.
I'm also issuing a TRIGGER ALERT on this. Be advised that there are some very traumatic passages included.
With minimal editing, here it is:
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I guess Day One is a good name for this app. I can't tell from here whether this is the first day of something that will turn out wonderfully, but for the first time I have hopes that the uncounted wishes I've made over the years could actually come true.
Last night I "came out" to Sue. Of course she's known for over twenty (thirty?) years about the cross-dressing, but it's clear that she didn't understand the depth of the daily despair I've been facing, living with this unmatched exterior.
Admitting it was one of the hardest, scariest things I've ever put myself through. I've had crying fits before (far more often than I like to admit) but this was something else. At times I could hardly breathe, at others I was hyperventilating; during moments of calm I could speak almost normally, but there were times when I could barely get one word out per breath.
Extremely traumatic... but cathartic.
And the end result is good. Knowing her as I do, I thought she might be supportive, but what I hit her with is so far beyond what she could have expected, there was the chance that she wouldn't be able process it, and would have to step away. I've always known that she doesn't feel emotion as deeply as I do - I think she might be part Vulcan. I'm sure that helps protect her from what's coming. Or it could be my admitted tendency to overdramatize everything. I don't know what I would have done if she'd rejected me. Probably eventually suicide. I don't think I'm strong enough to do this on my own. In that respect it's very probable that she has literally saved my life. And how am I going to repay that? After saving me from dying, I'm going to put her through what I would consider as Hell. But again, maybe her Vulcan logic will keep her from seeing it that way. I hope so. If she felt it as intensely as I do, she would have left me long ago. It's protecting both of us. All I know is that after the last couple of years watching what I feared was the slow dissolution of our marriage, we both committed to a new depth of love and understanding, possibly deeper than we've ever had.
At one point we were talking about what I could do for work during and after transition, and I doubted anyone would want to hire a transsexual. I can't remember the exact wording, but she said people will always say, "I want to hire someone who does the quality work that he or she does."
She.
Funny little word, just a couple of sounds, vibrations in the air. But it hit me like grabbing a firing spark plug. I actually jumped. I can't understate just how important and amazing it was to hear someone else use that little word to describe me.
Me.
She.
A touch of the joy I hope to find in the future, though still tinged with fear.
So what now?
First we're going to make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in transgender issues. Then there are so many other things to consider, and costs to cover. In no particular order:
* I want to get my buck teeth fixed.
* Hair transplants?
* Hair removal (other than the head, of course)
* Voice therapist
* What about my monster nose?
* My creased face
* Clothes shopping (Yay!!)
* Pick a name!
* Hormone therapy!
* Surgery!!
* Coming out
* To Mom and sister Sue
* To neighbors
* To other friends
I've already checked that our insurance covers reassignment surgery, but based on the WPATH standards of care, that could be two years down the road. I hope the haters don't take that away before I can use it.
I'm worded out. Setting this aside for now, but I hope I can discipline myself to keep on top of this, for my sake, and maybe if I get the courage, to publish it so other people can take whatever nuggets they can find from it.
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I guess I've developed that courage now. What a long way I've come.
Stephanie
