My boobs are growing!! (Charlie Nicki's Diary)

[Charlie Nicki]

Thank you all for your sweet words and birthday wishes! I really appreciate the fact that you all take the time to read and reply to this thread. It makes me feel better to know that I have your support.

The pride march was good. We went partying afterwards and I ran into my ex AND his new boyfriend. My ex was very sweet to me, hugged me and gifted me the trans pride flag that he was wearing. I kept my cool and said hi to them and even danced with them but it did hurt to see with my own eyes that he absolutely moved on. I cried a bit after I got home and hopefully it is the last time I cry, hopefully this chapter is finally over.

[Northern Star Girl]

Thank you all for your sweet words and birthday wishes! I really appreciate the fact that you all take the time to read and reply to this thread. It makes me feel better to know that I have your support.

The pride march was good. We went partying afterwards and I ran into my ex AND his new boyfriend. My ex was very sweet to me, hugged me and gifted me the trans pride flag that he was wearing. I kept my cool and said hi to them and even danced with them but it did hurt to see with my own eyes that he absolutely moved on. I cried a bit after I got home and hopefully it is the last time I cry, hopefully this chapter is finally over.

@Charlie Nicki    Yes indeed, it is my thought also that it is past time for you to put this chapter behind you and move on.... 
... undoubtedly there will be exciting stuff ahead for you as you continue in your journey....   try to stay positive about yourself and your future.
Looking forward to your updates as you post them.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

[Charlie Nicki]

@Charlie Nicki    Yes indeed, it is my thought also that it is past time for you to put this chapter behind you and move on.... 
... undoubtedly there will be exciting stuff ahead for you as you continue in your journey....   try to stay positive about yourself and your future.
Looking forward to your updates as you post them.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Thank you Danielle.

[Allison S]

Dani, you're a beautiful young woman. It's hard for anyone running into an ex, and adding the stress of transitioning... I think you handled yourself very graciously and I know you looked great doing it. I'm not surprised you were being checked out, I know what you're working with girl! You're gorgeous and everyone knows it [emoji173] we just gotta get used to the added attention!

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[Charlie Nicki]

Dani, you're a beautiful young woman. It's hard for anyone running into an ex, and adding the stress of transitioning... I think you handled yourself very graciously and I know you looked great doing it. I'm not surprised you were being checked out, I know what you're working with girl! You're gorgeous and everyone knows it [emoji173] we just gotta get used to the added attention!

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Thank you honey! You've been a great friend and a great support.

[Jessica]

Thank you all for your sweet words and birthday wishes! I really appreciate the fact that you all take the time to read and reply to this thread. It makes me feel better to know that I have your support.

The pride march was good. We went partying afterwards and I ran into my ex AND his new boyfriend. My ex was very sweet to me, hugged me and gifted me the trans pride flag that he was wearing. I kept my cool and said hi to them and even danced with them but it did hurt to see with my own eyes that he absolutely moved on. I cried a bit after I got home and hopefully it is the last time I cry, hopefully this chapter is finally over.

@Charlie Nicki

Hey girlfriend 🌸🌸🌸 @Allison S is so right, anyone seeing an ex they cared about would feel a pang of missing them.  You handled it well in public and hopefully found closure. 
I know you will get over this wall of recent emotions and start living as a woman.  I personally know you are beautiful and will conquer the world of doubt.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

[Charlie Nicki]

@Charlie Nicki

Hey girlfriend 🌸🌸🌸 @Allison S is so right, anyone seeing an ex they cared about would feel a pang of missing them.  You handled it well in public and hopefully found closure. 
I know you will get over this wall of recent emotions and start living as a woman.  I personally know you are beautiful and will conquer the world of doubt.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

Thanks Jess, by the way I love your avatar picture.

[Charlie Nicki]

I had an interesting rest of the week. I went back to work and they saw me in full female mode for the first time. It was almost like a non event, everyone was very natural about it and very welcoming. Just the perfect reaction I was hoping to get. Still trying to figure out how to interact with male co-workers, I feel awkward around them to say the least.

I feel like my passing ratio is very hit and miss. Sometimes I effortlessly pass and others I get misgendered or get stares. I still don't know if they're checking me out because I'm tall, because my breasts look good, because I look good, or if they're just wondering if I'm a man or a woman. In any case I think some face surgery is in my future. I am so pleased with the results of my breast augmentation and lipo that there's no way HRT could have ever given me the body shape I have now. It's probably the same for the face so I might get an extra help from my surgeon in the near future.

Emotionally, I'm still a mess. HRT is kicking my ass... Transitioning while heart broken? Not the best idea. Besides all the doubts and fears that naturally come with this process, I need to face loneliness and missing my ex. Cried again today, a lot.

Last night was my real birthday and I had fun (ruined this morning when I woke up feeling sad). I'm really hoping all the crying and suffering and feeling guilty and missing my old life ends soon. I definitely want to start enjoying my new life and my new self.

[Charlie Nicki]

My therapist said something last night that I found a bit scary: He said his straight MTFs patients were at a bigger risk of detransitioning than his lesbian ones because of loneliness. He actually said none of his lesbian patients ever consider it while the straight ones do just because men don't want to date them or take them seriously.

I really really hope I never become part of those statistics.

[Allison S]

That's weird your therapist told you that... Very negative. I meant to ask how your therapy went last night but I've been a huge ditz lately... I know we're going through just about the same things and my compliments may be expected, but you're making huge strides already. I don't know about other mtf women in your area/location, but you're not them. There's no way we can fully understand reasons for people detransitioning. I don't want to minimize or dismiss their life experience, but even if I was lonely and single (which I am), I still couldn't detransition.

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[Roll]

Yeah that was a weird thing for your therapist to say... Plenty of mtf women find fulfilling relationships, probably not even notably different from cis women honestly. (While cis women definitely more often in relationships period, countless are stuck in terrible ones. I think we have one advantage that at the end of the day, if we are in a loving, committed relationship we can count on the guy to be a better partner than most since a lot of the biggest ->-bleeped-<-s are filtered out by nature of us being trans. I mean, I have no experience to speak of, just feelings and ideas.)

[Jessica]

My therapist said something last night that I found a bit scary: He said his straight MTFs patients were at a bigger risk of detransitioning than his lesbian ones because of loneliness. He actually said none of his lesbian patients ever consider it while the straight ones do just because men don't want to date them or take them seriously.

I really really hope I never become part of those statistics.

Why he felt this was something that would help you is beyond me....

[Charlie Nicki]

To explain a bit further,

I casually remarked that I would have no issues in getting involved with a woman. Don't get me wrong, I'm attracted to men, but if there's ever a woman who pursues me and I find her interesting I wouldn't have a problem with experimenting. That led to him telling me that it was relief for him to hear that since lesbian trans women have a far better relationship record than straight ones. His comment was meant to be positive and I initially took it that way but this morning I woke up thinking about it, it sparked more fears in me.

[Jessica]

To explain a bit further,

I casually remarked that I would have no issues in getting involved with a woman. Don't get me wrong, I'm attracted to men, but if there's ever a woman who pursues me and I find her interesting I wouldn't have a problem with experimenting. That led to him telling me that it was relief for him to hear that since lesbian trans women have a far better relationship record than straight ones. His comment was meant to be positive and I initially took it that way but this morning I woke up thinking about it, it sparked more fears in me.

I do understand how it was mentioned in this exchange.  He may have been trying to alleviate your fears of not always feeling your doing the right thing.....  He should have possibly found a better way of supporting you with this statistic.

Hugs, Jess

[Allison S]

That's a big adjustment to make with dating. So do you think your attraction changed since transitioning?

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[Charlie Nicki]

That's a big adjustment to make with dating. So do you think your attraction changed since transitioning?

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Not at all hun. I'm still attracted to men and I've never been attracted to women per se...But I've come to realize that I'm open to the idea as long as my female identity is recognized. That being said, I've never actually felt that attraction towards any woman so it would take a very special person for me to go that way.

[Katie Jade]

Hi
Myself In not certain if im A or Pan sexual - Cis sex was very difficult and not attracted to males as still se myself as too male and im not gay minded, never had the options to find out either, and too self obsessed with trying to transition from ugly man to ugly woman (and that will be so much better for me believe me). not cetain if I will change from this at all. GL in finding Love - doesn't mind where it comes from as long as its true and legal.
Hugz
Katie

[Rachel]

I think your therapist mentioning their perspective to gauge your perspective and not meant to cause you discomfort. It caused you discomfort and as such you owe it to them to provide feedback.

I have noticed in community those that first transition are forming their identity and take in all kinds of suggestions from others. You are in the process of a huge transition and it will take time to have a firm identity and know who you are. Give yourself some kudos, you are doing a fantastic job and have come a long way.

[Charlie Nicki]

Give yourself some kudos, you are doing a fantastic job and have come a long way.

I need to be reminded of this more often. I'm too hard on myself...focusing on the thing I lost instead of all the other things I've gained. I guess depression will do that to you. I'm working on getting over it, hopefully it happens soon.

[Allison S]

U got this!! Depression is not fun and can suck the life out of us... well life is depressing. But DON'T listen to me!
Hope things make a turn for the positive for us both soon [emoji173]

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