Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 24, 2017, 09:38:08 PM
Third: Viktor, how specifically do you think I should have handled this? What did I do wrong? It seemed clear what the original poster intended, and I responded to that in the best way I knew how, not necessarily by specifically calling anyone a bigot, but by - admittedly forcefully at times - trying to make it a teachable moment.
Okay, well, you mentioned that this person was a dear friend and mentor, so you know best how to approach him personally with talk. What I would have done was ask him a question, privately (out of sight of others because that will influence his immediate responses, so by private msg or something) - without relating your own situation immediately but conversationally so he does not feel put on the spot, about one of the more tricky issues faced by trans people. Such as, you might say, "yes, I agree that in general
men do not belong in the ladies room, but I just wonder how it works for those transwomen who are almost transitioned but not quite... and they can no longer really go into the men's room safely either. I wonder what they are supposed to do. What do you think?" And just see what he says. See if you can get a thought process going in him that will make him have to put himself theoretically in a transperson's shoes a moment. It only has to be a moment with some people, of genuine thought, and they realize it's not as black and white as they would like it to be. It also humanizes us if they have to think for a few seconds from our perspective.
It's possible that image was a thing being spread round among his other acquaintances and he liked and shared because someone else expected him to. People will do this, even though they may have friends ideologically opposed on FB, and if you're the one friends versus a gaggle of others, they might do it to cover their own butts. Or he might have shared rather mindlessly. I admit I've shared a few things on FB without considering the one or two friends I might have that I know probably wouldn't like whatever it was I was sharing, or just forgot to consider it. If the rest of his family was doing it too, I think that sounds like a "keeping up appearances" sort of share tactic, or a show among themselves of reaffirming their right-wing values. In itself though, the image seems to convey that attitude (i.e. let's not change things) rather than an "I hate trans people" sort of attitude.
QuoteAnyway, it's clear why I never wanted to be an activist. I'm not smart enough to cover all the angles and keep everyone happy. Realistically, some of the responses I've gotten from within the community itself have caused me more angst than the original post I responded to. I'm dealing with enough stress just getting through my transition. I'd forgotten that those who stick their neck out often get their heads chopped off. I have enough to do just changing myself - I can't change the world, too. From now on I'll leave the educating and advocating to those with thicker skin.
Don't try to please everyone because it cannot be done. I would just caution everyone against deleting everyone off FB in anger or the natural responses we tend to have to this sort of thing and just stick it out and see what's going on in their minds. Obviously if someone makes an outright offensive and awful comment to you directly, they might not deserve keeping around. But many people out there are struggling in their own way too with trying to understand, or are torn between their values and their friends whom they know are good people even if they might be trans which they do not understand. I really do think our future as trans people - and our safety - depends on how carefully we tread this line in a sense, because the more forceful and echo chambery (isolated from other POVs) the left is becoming, the more right-wing people are becoming in response, and the danger is that we are not seeing or understanding
why this is happening - but I'm fairly sure at this point it's because of how forceful our side is being. We need to share ideas and thaw the ice at this point, before things get beyond our control. But not in a way that has us approaching it as if others have absolutely no choice but to accept everything about us or else be punished in some form, whether that's being deleted of FB or prosecuted for not using pronouns etc. That will only put them in a corner and make them hate us. This is my thought, anyway. Sometimes to get what you want from people you have to do it very softly.
When I see someone share this stuff or say something like "trans are all mentally ill", I take a moment to detach
myself from the conversation I'm about to have, and then I go talk to that person. Not in a lecturing way, but just in a "what's your view on that?" kind of way that gets them to unravel and justify their actual view, because that will encourage a rational process in them to look at their own view and put it into words. Even just doing that sometimes got me some great results and great conversations. Not always, of course, but some people came back and thanked me after them for helping them understand. Quite a few. (Some even said if it weren't for me, they'd still be disliking trans people because all the media does is hit them over the head with the idea they themselves are evil people for not liking or understanding something). There was another conversation I had - privately and away from louder personalities - with someone opposed to the "trans thing" as she called transition, and this person had no idea I was trans myself. By the end of it she'd said her piece and finished the thought with... "but I suppose it must be hard for them... that must be a hard life and I doubt anyone'd choose it if it wasn't a medical thing..." and there it was. She'd started to think.
