Bari Jo's Corner

[Allison S]

Aw that's so sweet of you to do for your friend Bari Jo!! And that's def a "stache" that'll have to go very soon. Can't see you with that!

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[KathyLauren]

Okay and another trans moment, a little humorous.  I went to my electrocutionist and had her work on my upper lip.  The center area was really painful so she worked just on the outside and she literally removed ALL the hair on my upper lip except the center.  I have a Hitler mustache shadow now.  Next session I will deal with the pain to get that gone too.

Eww!  No pics, please! 

When it comes to the upper lip, your dentist is your friend.  I love it when my electrocutioner is working on my upper lip, because it means I feel nothing.  There's some areas on my neck, where my dentist can't help me, where she struggles to get anything done because she keeps having to stop to scrape me off the ceiling.

[Bari Jo]

No worries KathyLauren, I was able to get through another session.  There is still some stubble which I hope to remove this week, but it looks so much better than before.

Onto more transition related issues.  You might have noticed I'm not posting as often.  I'm not exactly sure why.  I feel out of sorts at the moment.  I'm hoping it's related to higher T and we can up my current amount per day.  It could also be related to gaining weight.  I gained from visiting Mexico.  I am losing it again, but I noticed being heavier makes me less attractive and that depressed me to no end.  Hoping to get out of my funk.

Oh on a positive note I had the cocktail party for my trans group which went well.  My neighbors and friends also came and were very gracious.  It was basically a social event where all the trans girls got to share my support structure.

Bari Jo

[Northern Star Girl]

No worries KathyLauren, I was able to get through another session.  There is still some stubble which I hope to remove this week, but it looks so much better than before.

Onto more transition related issues.  You might have noticed I'm not posting as often.  I'm not exactly sure why.  I feel out of sorts at the moment.  I'm hoping it's related to higher T and we can up my current amount per day.  It could also be related to gaining weight.  I gained from visiting Mexico.  I am losing it again, but I noticed being heavier makes me less attractive and that depressed me to no end.  Hoping to get out of my funk.

Oh on a positive note I had the cocktail party for my trans group which went well.  My neighbors and friends also came and were very gracious.  It was basically a social event where all the trans girls got to share my support structure.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo:
Thanks for posting your latest update.... 
Oh yeah, getting through those hair removal sessions is definitely not a piece of cake.  How many more sessions are they estimating for you?   ....  and of course ....$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Yes, please get out of your funk and keep your updates coming... along with some pictures as you feel comfortable posting them.   

Keeping one's weight under control is at times is like trying to control the weather!! LOL 
Stay on top of it try to keep it somewhat within your goals.

I am glad that your trans-group party went well... and wow, your neighbors and friends were in attendance too...
very neat that you all get to share your support structure with everyone there.

So, anyway Bari Jo.... please continue to keep us all updated... we are curious and want to support you, so we need to know!!!!
Hugs,
Danielle

[Laurie]

Hey girl,

  Glad to read your party went well for your friend and for yourself. You are doing well so drop that funk stuff. (getting funky is okay though) Come to think of it perhaps you can turn that funk into a funky chicken and go dancing. I also gained almost all the little bit of weight I lost before going on my road trip. Too many nights out at restaurants and low resistance to yummy food. Maybe now that I'm home I will behave and lose it again. I had a bowl of yoguret with pices of fruit for breakfast and a salad for lunch. /sigh goodbye junk food (right after the cherry pie Peggy and Jim brought me is gone)  LOL
  Well Bari hun you can get a hold of me if you think I can help.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Jayne01]

Bari Jo, I'm sorry you are in a bit of a funk right now. I hope you can pull yourself out of it soon. Work on things that make you feel good about yourself.

It's great your cocktail party went well with your friends.

Keep posting updates. We are interested in how you are going.

Jayne

[Bari Jo]

Thanks for the support folks.  I'll try to get out of it.  Even acknowledging I'm in a funk makes me feel better. I'm going to work on an arcade machine that's been plaguing me at night. Getting that together will get me out of this funk, plus it won't be an eyesore in my gallery once done.

Danielle, I've had 40 plus hours with my regular electrocutionist and about 20 more through a novice, and 6 laser sessions. Laser didn't work well for me.  It was always only temporary.  I'm sticking to electrolysis. I'd estimate I'm 1/4 to 1/3 done. My beard is more dense than most I think. Yes, pricey!!!

Bari Jo

[Roll]

I was in that same funk a bit back, post count dropped down to like nothing for a few days and everything. You'll get through it!! You are doing so amazing!!

On the weight, remember even "minor" surgery can really mess with stuff like that. You still aren't too far out from your transplants, so you may still just need time for your body's reaction to settle a bit on calorie needs.

[Bari Jo]

I'm still not out of my funk, but I figure being social may help a bit.  New this update is a good family friend now knows about me.  She evidently wanted to ask about me but didn't want to offend. Now her suspicions are confirmed and she is supportive. That's the first friend outside of my immediate circle.  It's a weight lifted, especially because she is supportive.  Evidently she has trans friends which made her wonder about me.

Alright, the next thing is I stopped in at a wig shop, mainly to see what I'd look like with hair, but also which hairstyle looks best on me.  I still think shorter,  parted on the side with long bags looks best.  The wig I liked most was $150 ack, pass on that immediately.  Besides I have to let my new transplants breathe.

I think that's about it.  I'm trying to get a handle on my funk.  In 4 weeks I have my next blood work done, but I really want to find out the results now.  Something feels wrong.  I'm not happy anymore, and starting to feel more like pre hrt.

Bari Jo

[Jayne01]

Just a thought, since you have had to shave your head to have the transplants done, is it possible seeing yourself with no hair has gotten you feeling down?

It's awesome your family friend is supportive. You seem to have a great circle of friends. Hang in there, this feeling will eventually pass. Socialising should help with your good friends and certainly share as much as you feel comfortable here.

I hope you feel better soon.

Jayne

[Bari Jo]

Just a thought, since you have had to shave your head to have the transplants done, is it possible seeing yourself with no hair has gotten you feeling down?

It's awesome your family friend is supportive. You seem to have a great circle of friends. Hang in there, this feeling will eventually pass. Socialising should help with your good friends and certainly share as much as you feel comfortable here.

I hope you feel better soon.

Jayne

Yes, this is possible.  I really need the hair to grow back in.  That can't come soon enough. Yes, I'm blessed by my family and friends.  In one of my support groups a girl mentioned she had supporting family and friends, and one by one they left her.  That terrifies me.  I really hope that is not the norm.  This was mentioned in Transparent too, scary scary.

Bari Jo

[Jayne01]

Yes, this is possible.  I really need the hair to grow back in.  That can't come soon enough. Yes, I'm blessed by my family and friends.  In one of my support groups a girl mentioned she had supporting family and friends, and one by one they left her.  That terrifies me.  I really hope that is not the norm.  This was mentioned in Transparent too, scary scary.

Bari Jo

It is sad that the girl in your support group had people leave her one by one. That doesn't mean the same will happen to you. It is not uncommon that people who transition are abandoned by their family and friends, but I wouldn't say it is the norm. There are plenty of people who are lucky to have unconditional support from their family and friends for a lifetime. It comes down to the individuals. Other people's misfortunes won't necessarily become your own. Try not to concern yourself too much with something that may never happen. Cherish the supporting family and friends you have.

With your hair, it may help to shop around to find an affordable wig that you can at least wear some of the time (giving time for your transplants to breathe when you don't wear it). It will take time for your hair to grow to a descent length. In early September last year, I had a mental moment and cut my hair with clippers. It was less than 1/2" long. Now it is between 4 & 5 inches long and driving me nuts because it's still too short to style properly. My hair is super curly, maybe straight hair can be styled shorter.

Hang in there.

Jayne

[Bari Jo]

With your hair, it may help to shop around to find an affordable wig that you can at least wear some of the time (giving time for your transplants to breathe when you don't wear it). It will take time for your hair to grow to a descent length. In early September last year, I had a mental moment and cut my hair with clippers. It was less than 1/2" long. Now it is between 4 & 5 inches long and driving me nuts because it's still too short to style properly. My hair is super curly, maybe straight hair can be styled shorter.

Hang in there.

Jayne
[/quote]

4 inches would be great for me.  I swapped my avatar back to my haircut just before having the hair restore.  This avatar makes me feel better.  The hair was colored using an app called Pretty Makeup. I really want to play with hair color.

Bari Jo

[Jessica]

I'm still not out of my funk, but I figure being social may help a bit.  New this update is a good family friend now knows about me.  She evidently wanted to ask about me but didn't want to offend. Now her suspicions are confirmed and she is supportive. That's the first friend outside of my immediate circle.  It's a weight lifted, especially because she is supportive.  Evidently she has trans friends which made her wonder about me.

Alright, the next thing is I stopped in at a wig shop, mainly to see what I'd look like with hair, but also which hairstyle looks best on me.  I still think shorter,  parted on the side with long bags looks best.  The wig I liked most was $150 ack, pass on that immediately.  Besides I have to let my new transplants breathe.

I think that's about it.  I'm trying to get a handle on my funk.  In 4 weeks I have my next blood work done, but I really want to find out the results now.  Something feels wrong.  I'm not happy anymore, and starting to feel more like pre hrt.

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo, sorry to hear about your funk.  I was in one just shortly ago and needed a @Laurie transfusion, which is a wonder cure.
I think sometimes you just need to silently reflect without outside influences.
To ground yourself.  Reapply your energies to yourself.  And find your focus.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

PS:  this can be very relaxing!

[Jayne01]

4 inches would be great for me.  I swapped my avatar back to my haircut just before having the hair restore.  This avatar makes me feel better.  The hair was colored using an app called Pretty Makeup. I really want to play with hair color.

Bari Jo

That hair colour suits you. You hair will grow back, and this time, with the restore, you should have more of it.

Maybe sprinkle some lawn fertiliser to make it grow quicker! [emoji16] (just kidding, that is probably a bad idea!!!)

Jayne

[Bari Jo]

A bit before in my thread I mentioned how I was having the cocktail party for a girl that had a friend that distanced herself. That really touched me, and I've found that I've been thinking about it constantly over the past couple weeks.  Right now I've got a really good support structure.  All my neighbors are using my name, my family has all been supportive, but I keep thinking they are going to leave eventually.  It's not rational, especially not right now since everybody is so nice and supportive. I brought this up at group tonight and was openly crying within 5 minutes.  Group didn't really have answers only support.  Afterwards I made it home to my dog and gave him a big hug and the water works started again. I'm in such an odd fragile state, where I should be strong. I really do have everything going for me right now. I really must still hate myself internally to feel this.  Trying to rationalize, figure it and myself out.

I also wanted to thank everyone for your continued support.  I know i don't comment on a lot of personal threads, but I do read them.  I have a hard time with threads and conversations that have a lot of back and forth banter.  It turns me into a wall flower, confused about what to say or how to participate.

Bari Jo

[Jessica]

A bit before in my thread I mentioned how I was having the cocktail party for a girl that had a friend that distanced herself. That really touched me, and I've found that I've been thinking about it constantly over the past couple weeks.  Right now I've got a really good support structure.  All my neighbors are using my name, my family has all been supportive, but I keep thinking they are going to leave eventually.  It's not rational, especially not right now since everybody is so nice and supportive. I brought this up at group tonight and was openly crying within 5 minutes.  Group didn't really have answers only support.  Afterwards I made it home to my dog and gave him a big hug and the water works started again. I'm in such an odd fragile state, where I should be strong. I really do have everything going for me right now. I really must still hate myself internally to feel this.  Trying to rationalize, figure it and myself out.

I also wanted to thank everyone for your continued support.  I know i don't comment on a lot of personal threads, but I do read them.  I have a hard time with threads and conversations that have a lot of back and forth banter.  It turns me into a wall flower, confused about what to say or how to participate.

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo 🙋‍♀️ Could it be you are just feeling insecure (not self loathing) after the cocktail party interaction.  You have to trust humanity hasn't escaped from family and friends who are giving support to you now.
Chances are strong that if they are still in your life, they want to be in your life.

If you are learning new ideas or finding answers as you read others threads, then you are doing everything anyone could expect.  If you feel you only can inwardly reflect, that's fine, relax and take your time.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

[Laurie]

Hi Bari Jo,

  I think I know that weird fragile feeling. I have had times where I put up a strong front and took care of business where all I felt like doing is going someplace private and cry. It really is a weird state to be in. I have always been the strong stable one but inside I was anything but. I saw that strength in you while I was there visiting. It was there in your passion to get things done the way you want them done. It's there in your creativity. It's there in how you do your work. But sometimes you just want to be held and hugged tight and told everything will be okay.
  I would do that for you if I could. Things will be okay Bari, I know you and your determination. You will be okay. You need a strong local friend and you will find one. Hang in there girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie
 

[Jayne01]

A bit before in my thread I mentioned how I was having the cocktail party for a girl that had a friend that distanced herself. That really touched me, and I've found that I've been thinking about it constantly over the past couple weeks.  Right now I've got a really good support structure.  All my neighbors are using my name, my family has all been supportive, but I keep thinking they are going to leave eventually.  It's not rational, especially not right now since everybody is so nice and supportive. I brought this up at group tonight and was openly crying within 5 minutes.  Group didn't really have answers only support.  Afterwards I made it home to my dog and gave him a big hug and the water works started again. I'm in such an odd fragile state, where I should be strong. I really do have everything going for me right now. I really must still hate myself internally to feel this.  Trying to rationalize, figure it and myself out.

I also wanted to thank everyone for your continued support.  I know i don't comment on a lot of personal threads, but I do read them.  I have a hard time with threads and conversations that have a lot of back and forth banter.  It turns me into a wall flower, confused about what to say or how to participate.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo,
I just read your post several times. It seems to me that your fragile state is an insecurity brought on by the experience of the girl distanced by her friend. Your compassion for her has likely made you think about your family and friends. I suspect you imagined yourself in her shoes and it scared the crap out of you. You are in a good place, surrounded by loving friends and family who all support you. It would be a lot for you to lose if the same thing happened to you. But there is no indication your friends and family will distance themselves from you. I believe your empathy for this girl is behind your current fragile state.

Hang in there, you will get past this.

Hugs,
Jayne

[Allison S]

Hi Bari Jo, I keep up with your posts as much as I can. I wrote something but it got deleted. I basically mentioned that you were one of the first people to respond to my thread a little while back. And I had a very similar thing happen to me of disbelief for no real reason (that I know of) but I couldn't cry.

Having support is really amazing. But to be honest.. I still feel alone in my thoughts and very unique experiences. I think work through years of "not feeling right" (cliche I know) in ourselves has taken a bigger toll than we may have thought. I know here in NYC, every bridge that can be crossed there's a toll to pay. It seems deciding on hrt isn't what helps us cross over "to the other side" or as "women". It's what's in our hearts and minds.

Sorry for such a cheesy post from me but I really feel your vulnerability and I can relate a lot

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