Bari Jo's Corner

[bobbisue]

Bari Jo,
I just read your post several times. It seems to me that your fragile state is an insecurity brought on by the experience of the girl distanced by her friend. Your compassion for her has likely made you think about your family and friends. I suspect you imagined yourself in her shoes and it scared the crap out of you. You are in a good place, surrounded by loving friends and family who all support you. It would be a lot for you to lose if the same thing happened to you. But there is no indication your friends and family will distance themselves from you. I believe your empathy for this girl is behind your current fragile state.

Hang in there, you will get past this.

Hugs,
Jayne

Bari Jo I believe Jayne nailed it I have been like this all my life it has gotten stronger since I started to transition the only thing I have found that helps is the realization that your empathy is causing your distress and not your reality  This shows not that you are weak but rather that you are both strong and caring helping your friend will help you thank you for being so caring we need more people like you in this world

     Bobbisue

[Bari Jo]

I believe everyone is right.  My therapist friend echoed the same thoughts too.  She also stressed its extremely unlikely that my friends and family would abandon me.  She knows them all, so hearing this from a third party is comforting.  My mom and dad have both said they will always stick with me too, so I shouldn't worry.

I am starting to see that I have strong empathy.  I never really noticed before.  I had heard before people say that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I thought that meant I didn't hide my opinions.  Instead it means more though.  Perhaps they saw this part of me before I did.

Bobbiesue, I think you are right, now that I know my empathy can cause me to be in this state, I need to recognize it, and work through it rationally.  I don't want to stop it, or minimize as this sounds too much like blocking off my emotions.  Honestly being in tune with my emotions and having them at all is one of the best parts of my transition.

Now I feel like I'm rambling, but at least I feel better.   Thanks everyone, you've made me feel better.

Bari Jo

[amberwaves]

A bit before in my thread I mentioned how I was having the cocktail party for a girl that had a friend that distanced herself. That really touched me, and I've found that I've been thinking about it constantly over the past couple weeks.  Right now I've got a really good support structure.  All my neighbors are using my name, my family has all been supportive, but I keep thinking they are going to leave eventually.  It's not rational, especially not right now since everybody is so nice and supportive. I brought this up at group tonight and was openly crying within 5 minutes.  Group didn't really have answers only support.  Afterwards I made it home to my dog and gave him a big hug and the water works started again. such an odd fragile state, where I should be strong. I really do have everything going for me right now. I r I'm ineally must still hate myself internally to feel this.  Trying to rationalize, figure it and myself out.

I also wanted to thank everyone for your continued support.  I know i don't comment on a lot of personal threads, but I do read them.  I have a hard time with threads and conversations that have a lot of back and forth banter.  It turns me into a wall flower, confused about what to say or how to participate.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo,

Reading your post a few times made me think of something my therapist has said to me on numerous occasions.  "Where I should be strong" I have felt this way and had the onerus burden of forcing myself to be "strong" all the time.  You are fighting with yourself over expectations that you have set for yourself that aren't achievable.  It is human to feel the way you are.  Emotions are not always rational and to deny yourself the validity of what you are feeling, regardless of the underlying cause, is only causing you more pain.  Facing our feelings and accepting them, whether they are rational or not, is it's own strength.  You are strong, even though you may feel weak.  I fall into this particular trap far too often.  I know this knowledge may not make it easier to deal with, but it's true and I hope that you can take some measure of comfort in that.

[Roll]

I can't add anything to what everyone else has said,  just... <3!!

[Bari Jo]

Today I got a nice surprise.  A neighbor that I barely talk talk to addressed me as Bari Jo.  He used the correct pronouns even. This basically means all the neighbors know now.  I don't really mind, it's just another box getting checked.

Oh, a more fun thing.  Every Sunday I take my dog over to an addiction clinic for women.  He's basically their therapy dog, and he loves the attention.  One girl asked his name, so I told her, and then she said his daddy must really love him with that haircut.  She asked my name and I told her I'm Bari Jo his Mommy. Keep in mind I am misgendered 100% of the time, so correcting anyone isn't common, but it felt good.

Thats it, I'm about to upgrade my internets, so I'm excited.

Bari Jo

[Laurie]

 Congrats on the spreading word Bari. And it is really a nice thing you and Fanta do on Sundays.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Northern Star Girl]

Today I got a nice surprise.  A neighbor that I barely talk talk to addressed me as Bari Jo.  He used the correct pronouns even. This basically means all the neighbors know now.  I don't really mind, it's just another box getting checked.

Oh, a more fun thing.  Every Sunday I take my dog over to an addiction clinic for women.  He's basically their therapy dog, and he loves the attention.  One girl asked his name, so I told her, and then she said his daddy must really love him with that haircut.  She asked my name and I told her I'm Bari Jo his Mommy. Keep in mind I am misgendered 100% of the time, so correcting anyone isn't common, but it felt good.

Thats it, I'm about to upgrade my internets, so I'm excited.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo:    It is such a great relief when people you know, like your neighbor, addresses you correctly... and also you know now that most of the people he knows will know about you... the pressure is off, a great relief for sure.

It is always best to correct any and all mis-gendering directly to the person immediately.... never ignore it and never let it slide.
As you continue in your journey, the mis-genderings will become less and less and will eventually just become a memory.   Hang in there.... the best is yet to come.

I enjoy reading your updates on your thread and your posting elsewhere....
Please continue keeping us in the loop.
Hugs,
Danielle

[Bari Jo]

Alright, now that I've talked through my fear of losing family and friends with my family and friends, I feel a lot better. I've been under a lot of stress at work non trans related, but the stress will be over in a couple weeks.

Now trans related I attended an art opening this weekend.  I went as me, and dyed my hair pink for the night. My hair is almost shaved right now, so it's basically a pink crew cut only shorter.  I also wore eye shadow with glitter which was a first for me.  For dress, skinny jeans, short coral jacket and light blue shirt.  To top it off I wore a name tag with my name on it. This last part was important since this art opening would be full of my old coworkers from my last job and they would not know about me yet.

For the most part it went well.  Many people were distant which made things awkward, but I wanted to do this, and explain to the right people that there is no way I could have come out while working at that job.  It was hostile toward LGBT, and superficially its better now, but I'm told it's still a bit hostile.  I was able to do that which made me happy. Now what I didn't expect was a person that saw me come out thought he was somehow closer to me and wanted to share things about himself that he has kept secret from others too.  That was awkward.  I am not judging anyone's fetish, since I've about tried everything to not be trans, but it got me thinking if this has happened to others.  Do others confide personal secrets to you since they now share yours?

Bari Jo

[Laurie]

  Hi Bari Jo,

   Pink crew cut huh? Well, it likely fits you since you have to have short hair for now. It'll grow back. I'm glad you got to do what you want while at the art thingy.
   By have a talk with family over your fears I am going to assume they assured you that you have nothing to worry about. That would be a good thing.
  As for the conspiratorial conversation, Yes, I have had it happen to me. I think it's some sort of quid pro quo thing with some. "I know your secret so I have to tell you one" kind of thing.
  Thanks for giving us an update. You are doing great.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Roll]

I am not judging anyone's fetish, since I've about tried everything to not be trans, but it got me thinking if this has happened to others.  Do others confide personal secrets to you since they now share yours?

Bari Jo

Oh, absolutely. My younger brother went way overboard on this and said a few things I'd honestly preferred to not have ever heard him say. My older brother just decided to bring up his drug use as a teenager. You know. Cause those two things are related in the slightest...

[Jayne01]

There was one guy at work who I confronted when he made some anti trans comments. He later apologised for offending me. I stopped short of actually coming out to him, but he started telling me some things that he wouldn't say to any other guys. I am wondering if he suspects anything about me. It's like Laurie said, some people feel that one secret needs to be balanced by another secret.

Before you know it, your hair will be grown and you will have plenty to dye anyway you like. Though, I'm sure you are rocking the pink crew cut.

Jayne

[MaryT]

...
Now what I didn't expect was a person that saw me come out thought he was somehow closer to me and wanted to share things about himself that he has kept secret from others too.  That was awkward.  I am not judging anyone's fetish, since I've about tried everything to not be trans, but it got me thinking if this has happened to others.  Do others confide personal secrets to you since they now share yours?

Bari Jo

LOL, beware!  You must remember how Sarah1972 started a thread asking the same question, and how it gradually turned into an orgy of fetish sharing:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229672.0.html

By the way, the MaryT who posted on that thread is obviously not me but some frustrated, shameless hussy.  OK, some other frustrated, shameless hussy.

[Bari Jo]

LOL, beware!  You must remember how Sarah1972 started a thread asking the same question, and how it gradually turned into an orgy of fetish sharing:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229672.0.html

By the way, the MaryT who posted on that thread is obviously not me but some frustrated, shameless hussy.  OK, some other frustrated, shameless hussy.

Thanks for this.  I am not trying to begin fetish sharing by any means.  It was only asking about sharing of secrets. I think, @Roll nailed it with her brother telling her about his drug use.  The secrets don't even have to be related, like this.  I didn't think me being trans and my friend having a fetish was related in any way other than confiding in someone.

Less than a week till my next labs.  I can't wait.  My happiness has gone done and I've become cranky over the past month. One girl at group said progesterone made her cranky and she stopped taking that at six months.  I'm on my 8th month of that and am happy to drop it, if my moods can't be explained by higher t or lower e.

Bari Jo

[Bari Jo]

  Hi Bari Jo,

   Pink crew cut huh? Well, it likely fits you since you have to have short hair for now. It'll grow back. I'm glad you got to do what you want while at the art thingy.
   By have a talk with family over your fears I am going to assume they assured you that you have nothing to worry about. That would be a good thing.
  As for the conspiratorial conversation, Yes, I have had it happen to me. I think it's some sort of quid pro quo thing with some. "I know your secret so I have to tell you one" kind of thing.
  Thanks for giving us an update. You are doing great.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Thanks Laurie, it was only temporary color. It took forever to brush on colored chalk with such short hair.  I must have been brushing it on for an hour. Plus not having my usual blonde made it take even longer to overcome my salt and pepper.  Oof, can't wait to actuallyi have hair to color for real again.

Yup, my family and friends gave me reassuring hugs and said they aren't going anywhere.  It did make me feel better, and knowing they know it's a fear of mine has helped us grow stronger I think.

Btw, I was asked by a couple of people if I had art in the show.  This was gratifying.  I still don't pass, but these people must have at least seen I am trans, and this was a show of women's art.

Bari Jo

[Faith]

Btw, I was asked by a couple of people if I had art in the show.

With your hair and make-up you didn't reply that YOU were your art?

..... just pondering .....

[Bari Jo]

With your hair and make-up you didn't reply that YOU were your art?

..... just pondering .....

@Faith great reply, nope didn't think of it.  Only new thing to tell is I continue to slowly gain weight and I'm starting to hate the way I look again.  I decided to switch up the diet again, eat more healthy and with the occasional meal replacement bars and shakes.  I need to lose 9 lbs at this point to be where I stopped my diet last time, but honestly 18 lbs till ill be happy again.  Here's to losing the weight.

To help with this quest I bought a blender. Yes, I'm the oldest girl who has never owned a blender. In the battle of ages between Ninja VS Blentec VS Vitamix, I ended up with Vitamix.  The warranty won out and I could get it in red.  Yes this girl likes color.

Bari Jo

[davina61]

MMMMMMMMMMMM RED ( have a red theme throughout my flat) note to self get a red dress (orange is the closest I have)

[KathyLauren]

@Faith great reply, nope didn't think of it.  Only new thing to tell is I continue to slowly gain weight and I'm starting to hate the way I look again.  I decided to switch up the diet again, eat more healthy and with the occasional meal replacement bars and shakes.  I need to lose 9 lbs at this point to be where I stopped my diet last time, but honestly 18 lbs till ill be happy again.  Here's to losing the weight.

To help with this quest I bought a blender. Yes, I'm the oldest girl who has never owned a blender. In the battle of ages between Ninja VS Blentec VS Vitamix, I ended up with Vitamix.  The warranty won out and I could get it in red.  Yes this girl likes color.

Bari Jo

You won't regret looking after yourself.  Good luck with the weight loss. 

Good choice on the VitaMix!  My wife bought one a few years ago, and she loves it.  It'll blend anything in seconds.  She makes whipped cream from cashew nuts.  Just the nuts and some water in the VitaMix, blend for a minute or so and chill.  It's amazing!

[sarah1972]

I am in the same boat on the weight gain. I managed to keep it pretty stable over the first 15 month of HRT, then it did spiral out of control. Also in the same goal ranges you are, 10 lbs minimum, 20 - 25 ideal. And like you, I hate how I currently look.

Great advice on diet, while I have changed a few things, it is by far not enough yet and I need to add some extra effort there.

Other theme is exercise, I started Gym, 10k step challenge and about to get back into swimming.

Trying to be a pretty women is sooo much work. But also so worth it!

Ke p up the good work on nutrition!

Hugs,

Sarah

@Faith great reply, nope didn't think of it.  Only new thing to tell is I continue to slowly gain weight and I'm starting to hate the way I look again.  I decided to switch up the diet again, eat more healthy and with the occasional meal replacement bars and shakes.  I need to lose 9 lbs at this point to be where I stopped my diet last time, but honestly 18 lbs till ill be happy again.  Here's to losing the weight.

To help with this quest I bought a blender. Yes, I'm the oldest girl who has never owned a blender. In the battle of ages between Ninja VS Blentec VS Vitamix, I ended up with Vitamix.  The warranty won out and I could get it in red.  Yes this girl likes color.

Bari Jo

[Alyssa Bree]

Hi Bari Jo!

I just read through this whole thread...it didn't feel right to just read the last few pages lol...and I am super glad I did. It is very comforting to follow the journey of somebody who is ahead of you on a path. It affirms that the path can be walked...and in great style. I look forward to reading more as time passes!


xoxoxoxo
Alyssa