Bari Jo's Corner

[Bari Jo]

I had transplants and it took a good six months before it really started to get going. It is a tough time when the hairs are coming through creating all that mess...but I have to say after 12 months I was absolutely astounded by how good it looked. They are expensive (for me they were) but in my book well worth the inconvenience and time it takes to look right.

Six months eef!  I want to hide in a cave till then!  Glad it came in okay.  I am so worried about mine.

Onto more trans story. My local pinball arcade is starting a women's pinball league next month. I've asked if it will be trans inclusive.  You might not know this about me, but I love pinball.  I'm also fairly well known in the local pinball community, so going to this event is a coming out of sorts.  It would also be the first women's group that I will have participated in. They are meeting with their planning committee this Thursday and will bring it up. Fingers crossed.  I really don't want a door shut here, as pinball is impt to me.

Bari Jo

[MaryT]

Six months eef!  I want to hide in a cave till then!  Glad it came in okay.  I am so worried about mine.

Onto more trans story. My local pinball arcade is starting a women's pinball league next month. I've asked if it will be trans inclusive.  You might not know this about me, but I love pinball.  I'm also fairly well known in the local pinball community, so going to this event is a coming out of sorts.  It would also be the first women's group that I will have participated in. They are meeting with their planning committee this Thursday and will bring it up. Fingers crossed.  I really don't want a door shut here, as pinball is impt to me.

Bari Jo

Gosh, pinball!  I don't remember even seeing a real pinball machine since 1979, after which all of the ones I knew about were  replaced by computerised games.

I don't see why trans women shouldn't participate in a women's league.  Even if a trans woman retained the strength of a man, it shouldn't be an advantage.  Men tend to Tilt the machines, either from impatience or using too much force.

[Bari Jo]

Mary, if you were local I would invite you over to my favorite dive bar.  25 pins, and walking distance!

Bari Jo

[Bari Jo]

I just got word, trans women are accepted.  This will be the first women's group I'm attending.  I'm not terribly femme right now, but looking forward to it.  This is not till next month.

Bari Jo

[sarah1972]

Wow! Awesome! a fun "girls night out"! You go girl. Happy for you, that you can join! You will have a lot of fun!

I just got word, trans women are accepted.  This will be the first women's group I'm attending.  I'm not terribly femme right now, but looking forward to it.  This is not till next month.

Bari Jo

[Jessica]

I just got word, trans women are accepted.  This will be the first women's group I'm attending.  I'm not terribly femme right now, but looking forward to it.  This is not till next month.

Bari Jo

This is great Bari Jo!  It certainly will help with your confidence, and meet new friends to boot!

[Laurie]

 Good for you Bari Jo. I feel special because I know pinball machines are a passion of yours. I'm glad you're in the league.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Alyssa Bree]

That is so fantastic Bari Jo! Sounds like an awful lot of fun.


xoxoxo
Alyssa

[Jayne01]

I just got word, trans women are accepted.  This will be the first women's group I'm attending.  I'm not terribly femme right now, but looking forward to it.  This is not till next month.

Bari Jo

Excellent!! That's great news. Have fun!! I have t okayed a pinball machine in years. I used to love those things.

Jayne

[Bari Jo]

More trans news.  Upper mgmt now knows about me at work.  HR had my transition on their agenda.  I only know because one person asked about me to my boss.  She said it was basically a 30 second line just read and then onto the next item. Also somebody asked another coworker why I dress like a girl that coworker knew and told him.  I do like that people notice but wish my hair was already in so I'd be more passable.

That is all for now.

Bari Jo

[Jayne01]

More trans news.  Upper mgmt now knows about me at work.  HR had my transition on their agenda.  I only know because one person asked about me to my boss.  She said it was basically a 30 second line just read and then onto the next item. Also somebody asked another coworker why I dress like a girl that coworker knew and told him.  I do like that people notice but wish my hair was already in so I'd be more passable.

That is all for now.

Bari Jo

It's nice that your work is treating your transition as a non event and not making a huge deal out of it. If people ask, they inform them, and then just move on. It shows that they recognise as you as anyborhwr normal person. Your hair will get there. It will need some patience, but worth the wait as your transplants grow and fill in the previously bald sections.

Jayne

[LizK]

More trans news.  Upper mgmt now knows about me at work.  HR had my transition on their agenda.  I only know because one person asked about me to my boss.  She said it was basically a 30 second line just read and then onto the next item. Also somebody asked another coworker why I dress like a girl that coworker knew and told him.  I do like that people notice but wish my hair was already in so I'd be more passable.

That is all for now.

Bari Jo

Sounds all very positive from a work point of view. When you are in that "in-between" time after hair implants where all that seems to be happening is your head erupting and for me a lot of numbness. I found with mine that it goes from looking awful to great in a relatively short period of time and then by 6 months no one can tell anyway. My hairdresser would not have known if I had not told her.

Take care

Liz

[Bari Jo]

Elizabeth, yes, I've got the numbness and also the ingrown hairs which I am afraid to do anything about!  But you are right it is slowly looking better.

Into my funk.  I can't shake it.  It is many parts internalized transphobia, and more parts feeling worthless. The thing is, I used to have so much drive and optimism, but right now it's so hard to just fake a smile.  At group the moderator gave me a hug tonight and said she wants to see me smile again.  I thanked her, but then cried walking back to my car. I can't seem to find joy in anything.  Seeing others happy in group is making me uncomfortable now too.  I can't relate to their joy, it seems so alien and false.  I'm trying to not let all this weigh me down, but it's hard to move right now.

I hate that I have to reach out for support and add yet another downer to my corner too.  I need a hug, and a shoulder, and somebody to tell me things will be better.

Bari Jo

[Another Nikki]

My experience was that I just had to go through that phase and experience the emotions surrounding feeling ridiculous, asking wtf I'm doing, knowing some people will find me ridiculous and crazy, and being pissed off and sad I'm wired this way. 

I spent 40 years fighting it and forcing myself not to feel emotions.  So it seemed reasonable I was going to have some deep feelings around being trans.  And honestly, I think I had to mourn the loss of my false "normal" life and my identity.  Having to accept that person never existed, and I was one of "those people".

I think I accepted myself by realizing there's nothing wrong with being trans, that it's likely the result of genetic and epigenetic factors beyond our control, it's an unusual but normal variation in human beings, and it's really a societal perception issue.

Are you familiar with Kubler-Ross and her stages of grief?  I'm quite sure I had to go through all of them on this journey.  I was stuck at denial for a loooooong time.  https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model

[Bari Jo]

My experience was that I just had to go through that phase and experience the emotions surrounding feeling ridiculous, asking wtf I'm doing, knowing some people will find me ridiculous and crazy, and being pissed off and sad I'm wired this way. 

I spent 40 years fighting it and forcing myself not to feel emotions.  So it seemed reasonable I was going to have some deep feelings around being trans.  And honestly, I think I had to mourn the loss of my false "normal" life and my identity.  Having to accept that person never existed, and I was one of "those people".

I think I accepted myself by realizing there's nothing wrong with being trans, that it's likely the result of genetic and epigenetic factors beyond our control, it's an unusual but normal variation in human beings, and it's really a societal perception issue.

Are you familiar with Kubler-Ross and her stages of grief?  I'm quite sure I had to go through all of them on this journey.  I was stuck at denial for a loooooong time.  https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model

Thank you so much, I think I am in the grieving stage now.  I'm past denial, having that beaten out of me by the dysphoria, but yes, the grieving has made me sad.  And yes the awkward phase does nothing to help social dysphoria.  Your response has helped big time.

Bari Jo

[Northern Star Girl]

Elizabeth, yes, I've got the numbness and also the ingrown hairs which I am afraid to do anything about!  But you are right it is slowly looking better.

Into my funk.  I can't shake it.  It is many parts internalized transphobia, and more parts feeling worthless. The thing is, I used to have so much drive and optimism, but right now it's so hard to just fake a smile.  At group the moderator gave me a hug tonight and said she wants to see me smile again.  I thanked her, but then cried walking back to my car. I can't seem to find joy in anything.  Seeing others happy in group is making me uncomfortable now too.  I can't relate to their joy, it seems so alien and false.  I'm trying to not let all this weigh me down, but it's hard to move right now.

I hate that I have to reach out for support and add yet another downer to my corner too.  I need a hug, and a shoulder, and somebody to tell me things will be better.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo...  For your own well-being you obviously need to shake these depressing feelings.
Seeing others that seem to be happy with how things are going in their life journey can be a downer for you BUT in reality it it should be an indicator for you that you can succeed also.
Be strong and try your best to maintain a positive attitude.

Please continue keeping us updated.

Big HUGS for you,
Danielle

[OCTrisha]

My experience was that I just had to go through that phase and experience the emotions surrounding feeling ridiculous, asking wtf I'm doing, knowing some people will find me ridiculous and crazy, and being pissed off and sad I'm wired this way. 

I spent 40 years fighting it and forcing myself not to feel emotions.  So it seemed reasonable I was going to have some deep feelings around being trans.  And honestly, I think I had to mourn the loss of my false "normal" life and my identity.  Having to accept that person never existed, and I was one of "those people".

I think I accepted myself by realizing there's nothing wrong with being trans, that it's likely the result of genetic and epigenetic factors beyond our control, it's an unusual but normal variation in human beings, and it's really a societal perception issue.

Are you familiar with Kubler-Ross and her stages of grief?  I'm quite sure I had to go through all of them on this journey.  I was stuck at denial for a loooooong time.  https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model

Your experience hit me like a ton of bricks.  Thank you. 

[Roll]

I hate that I have to reach out for support and add yet another downer to my corner too.  I need a hug, and a shoulder, and somebody to tell me things will be better.

Bari Jo

I feel like we become so self reliant emotionally over the years trying to survive with the feelings we hold internally, it might make it harder to feel like it is okay to reach out. But the truth is that it is not something to hate, reaching out is something to be proud of. It takes courage!

And I say unequivocally: Things will be better!! (As I myself am terrified going into my transplants in under 2 weeks now, I'm going to probably need to hear that a lot too. )

[Jayne01]

Elizabeth, yes, I've got the numbness and also the ingrown hairs which I am afraid to do anything about!  But you are right it is slowly looking better.

Into my funk.  I can't shake it.  It is many parts internalized transphobia, and more parts feeling worthless. The thing is, I used to have so much drive and optimism, but right now it's so hard to just fake a smile.  At group the moderator gave me a hug tonight and said she wants to see me smile again.  I thanked her, but then cried walking back to my car. I can't seem to find joy in anything.  Seeing others happy in group is making me uncomfortable now too.  I can't relate to their joy, it seems so alien and false.  I'm trying to not let all this weigh me down, but it's hard to move right now.

I hate that I have to reach out for support and add yet another downer to my corner too.  I need a hug, and a shoulder, and somebody to tell me things will be better.

Bari Jo

Oh no! I am sorry you are feeling so down, Bari Jo. Things WILL be better. Your current mood is only temporary. There is no need to feel bad about asking for support. That is what we are here for. Hang in there girl. We all go through downers at different times in our journey. It really sucks when you're in the middle of it and feeling all those unwanted emotions.

I don't really have any words of wisdom to help you get out of your funk, but I can offer you a virtual hug and reassure you that it gets better.

(((((HUG)))))

Jayne

[Bari Jo]

I just had a surreal moment and I wanted to document it here.  At group tonight somebody said she wants to have hair and wants to be beautiful said like her, and gestured toward me.  I'm like, whaaaat?  I honestly do not feel pretty or like I have hair, but it did make me happy tonight.  Wow, wth?

Bari Jo