On Becoming Julie

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Julie

Always nice to read your updates.

I am sorry you have had these delays but glad you made it to the gym and are losing weight.

Good luck on Monday October 1st with final fertility clinic appointment and hoping you may then start HRT.

Hugs

Pamela

[Dena]

Yeah, my last ribs were only on for about 5 hours.  I had some of the left-overs yesterday and while not quite as tender as they should have been, the flavor was spot on.  I want to try pork chops.  Any luck there?  So far I have used pecan and hickory, but the hickory batch was my first attempt and I don't think I did such a great job, so I am not so sure I should use it to judge the taste by.  I am trying to find a good source for logs that isn't too expensive. 

I like your trick with the charcoal.  I haven't used briquettes, but the naturally made charcoal with wood chips, but have also used the pecan logs.  I'll have to try it the way you suggested.

This weekend I am going to do some more catfish and ribs and maybe some fresh sausage that is on sale at the grocery this week.  Any suggestions for sausage?

      Thanks,
               Julie

Low, slow temperature with a moist environment will tenderize meat so if you dealing with with a tough cut of meat, you want the longer time. Thick cut pork chops would probably take 6-8 hours and you probably shouldn't experiment with thin cut. I use mesquite mostly because it's a plentiful and I like the somewhat milder taste that it provides. Hickory has a relatively strong taste and tends to go better with something like beef that has a strong taste of it's own. One of the really good things is rock cornish game hens. Rub them with garlic powder and salt, put some butter in and on them and cook then with mesquite. The meat will have a pinkish color because of the smoking process but the test for doneness is the legs or wings will pull off easily.

If your using wood chips as the smoke wood, soak them in water overnight. That will slow the burn process and extend the time they flavor the meat. If you have wood chucks, you don't need to soak them but it doesn't hurt.

[JulieAllana]

Thanks for the tips. 

     So, I just got done another smoke run today.  Yesterday I ran on down to restaurant depot and picked up some whole catfish.  Much cheaper there than the grocery by like 1/2.  I also had 2 racks of spare ribs that were on sale this past week.  I went and invested in a thermometer too.  I found one at Wal-Mart that has 4 probes for only $20.  It doesn't have all of the nifty features like Bluetooth to your smartphone, but for an entry level thermometer, 4 probes @ $20 isn't too bad.  I put a probe each in the ribs and one on the left and one on the right side of the pit. 

     I found out that there is a HUGE difference in temperature between the left and right sides of the pit.  At times today, the difference was like 100 degrees.  Good thing I put the catfish on the cooler side as they aren't supposed to cook as high.  From what I have been reading in smoker forums about this smoker is that I should use some steel bar stock under my grill to control the air/smoke currents which will let me equalize the temperature between the left and right.  I might also add a rack at the top of the smoker like the more expensive model of my smoker has, but that is a project for another day.

    For the moistness, I have a bowl of water in the fire chamber that keeps the humidity level up.  When I put my hand over the smoke stack, you can feel the humidity coming off of it.  Is there a specific humidity range you should shoot for?

    Anyway, the catfish this time were still good, but probably got too much smoke.  I think the temperature on that side was a little too low so they had to cook longer.  The ribs, even though they cooked for 6 hours this time just aren't as tender as I think they should be.  The I pulled them off at 6 hours when the temperature probe read 165.

    So, I have been snacking on bbq and other tidbits around the house all day and I am about to pop.  I would say it's time to go take a nap, but too much stuff to do. 

            Happy smokin'

                            Julie         

[Dena]

Just don't let the pan run dry. The moisture will help prevent the gases from getting to hot and the moisture will help keep the food from drying out. For the most part you don't need to target a specific number.

My smoking is done with a Brinkman Sportsman smoker which is a vertical smoker. The bottom pan contains the fire, the next pan contains the water. On top the water is the first grill and there is another grill near the top. It will hold 8 Cornish game hens and with a special rack, I can get about 6 sides of pork ribs in it. You don't really need an expensive smoker to do a good job but you might have a little better control with one.

[JulieAllana]

So, today is probably the day...HRT.  My last trip to the fertility clinic is at 10:30 and then I plan on filling the prescription.  I have mixed feelings about starting, but am mutably eager. It is strange, the eagerness seems to be at a below conscious level, buried deep down.  It is what has been moving forward.  My conscious thoughts and emotions are all over the place.  Such is the nature of the repression I have lived with my entire live.  It is still active and trying to make sense of what is going on with me, but there are some doors that once opened just can't be closed. 

Anyway, hopefully soon I will be able to start posting HRT updates. 

         Julie

[Chelsea]

So, today is probably the day...HRT.  My last trip to the fertility clinic is at 10:30 and then I plan on filling the prescription.  I have mixed feelings about starting, but am mutably eager. It is strange, the eagerness seems to be at a below conscious level, buried deep down.  It is what has been moving forward.  My conscious thoughts and emotions are all over the place.  Such is the nature of the repression I have lived with my entire live.  It is still active and trying to make sense of what is going on with me, but there are some doors that once opened just can't be closed. 

Anyway, hopefully soon I will be able to start posting HRT updates. 

         Julie

I have been waiting on this day. I'm so happy for you Julie and I cant wait for the updates!

Hugs,
         Chelsea

[JulieAllana]

Just called in my prescription over the phone and gave them my insurance information.  I'll get a txt when they are ready to pick up.  I'm so nervous.  I can feel all of these emotions swirling around in my sub-conscious. 

       Julie

[Northern Star Girl]

Just called in my prescription over the phone and gave them my insurance information.  I'll get a txt when they are ready to pick up.  I'm so nervous.  I can feel all of these emotions swirling around in my sub-conscious. 

       Julie

@JulieAllana
Dear Julie:
Just wait for your own elation when you pop those pills into your mouth for the very first time.... hang on for a very exciting ride....  it will have it's ups and downs, frustrations, disappointments and successes for sure, but over time you will look back at it all with fondness and happiness that you took this first big step.

Mark this day down in your personal journal as your very first major milestone in your journey.   As most of us have done, you then can celebrate HRT anniversaries in the future...    Happy times ahead.

We will all be eagerly following your updates.....
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

[JulieAllana]

     Just got back from the pharmacy.  Getting back into my truck, I couldn't help feeling a wave of sadness come over me.  I mean, my bouts of dysphoria haven't come about by way of me hating being a man, but instead of intermittent intense desires to be a woman.  Being a man isn't that awful and I tried to be a good one, and I think I was/am/are a good one.  Picking up this prescription marks me having to consciously let go of that man and I have this feeling of loss.  Just like whenever I sell a vehicle that I have driven for a long time, I am sad to see it go.  I am never getting rid of it because I hate it, but because it is time for something new. 

      First thing I do when I get home is to grab the prescriptions and read all the disclosures that come with them.  Who does that?  Then after that, down the hatch.  I have officially started Hormone Replacement Therapy in pursuit of a medical transition to the female gender.  Typing that just now seemed so momentous, the keyboard button presses like thunder.  Interesting times indeed...

        Scared but committed,
                                    Julie

[Laurie]

 Congrats Julie,

  Taking your first dose of HRT is momentous. I'd wager just about everyone that has made the decision to transition remembers their first dose. I remember mine.  I too did not really hate being a man. Never really felt the classic "woman trapped in a man's body" Yet I was eager to start my transition. I knew it was the thing I wanted to do. It was something I wished I could do almost all my life. I dressed when I could and I grew up knowing it was wrong and shameful. But I could not stop and I loved it. But I hated myself for doing it and for not being able to stop. A doctor now would attribute this to gender dysphoria but It was unknown at the time. This self hate had many negative effects in my life. And I disliked myself even more. When I discovered that I was transgender  I took steps to transition. I had nothing left to stop me except my daughter and my grand children. I lost them too because I chose to transition. It almost killed me but I was not going to stop. becoming a woman was the one thing I always wanted and could never have. I still hurt from their rejection but I am now happier than I ever have been and I'm told I am a nicer person for it.
  I wish you a happy transition that is everything you ever wanted. Transition is not an easy road.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[pamelatransuk]

Congratulations Julie on starting HRT as intended yesterday. You'll remember taking the first tablets forever!

Enjoy the rollercoaster ride!

I wish you every happiness on your transition journey.

Hugs

Pamela

[Chelsea]

Congrats Julie!  I'm am so happy for you! Keep us up to date girl.

Hugs,
          Chelsea

[JulieAllana]

Ok.  I figured I would write an update since starting HRT.  After one week on HRT, there are no discernible differences in any way.  I know that its different for everyone and its only been a week so no real worries here, I just thought that emotionally I might be able to detect some kind of difference.  I am not concerned really about physical changes at this point as I would want emotional changes to precede them.

I guess the reason this is even really worth bringing up is that HRT for me is just another continuation of the transgender diagnosis, that is, seeing how well I respond to it and how it makes me feel as a means of affirming that this is the right path for me.  Just feeling the same is frustrating (yes yes, I know too soon). 

Does anyone know how HRT works in the body?  Is it something that ramps up and accumulates slowly or is it more real-time?

        Julie

[Northern Star Girl]

@JulieAllana
Dear Julie:
This is certainly an exciting report at you ONE WEEK mark of HRT... you are correct, way too soon to experience much change other than your excitiment and anticipation.... at ONE month you will certain start feeling changes particuarly in your nipples and breasts...  soreness, lumps (breast buds) forming under the nipples and in my case my nipples were very erect and sensitive most of the time....  then at 3 months into  HRT most transitioners will start seeing things happening more significantly and at a quicker rate including possibly changes in body hair growth, your own body and urine smell, changes in erections becoming less intense, libido, etc.

The transition journey is indeed exciting.  As has been stated over and over here on the Forums on various posts, HRT will work uniquely in your own unique body. What you read about other transitioning members experiences with HRT most likely will not be identical to your own experiences.

The adage that you have probably already heard regarding HRT and how it may work for various individuals  is "YMMV"  meaning that Your Mileage May Vary.
Some will experience more significant changes more quickly and then some will experience less significant changes more slowly....   it is all up to your genes and how your body reacts to the HRT.

PATIENCE is definitely required.... usually not much happens very quickly with HRT... but changes will happen.

Without a doubt this can be very "EXCITING and SCARY all at the same time."   One needs to hang on for an amazing ride.  Some of my best and most appreciated and dramatic body changes happened to me at about the 5 or 6 month point and through the start of year #2 of my HRT journey.   
Even though I was able to very successfully pass before I went full-time... when I did go full-time at the 1 1/2 year mark I had been passing 100% of the time.  Of course that is just my own personal experience, I suppose I can thank my unique body makeup and my genes for all that.
 
You will not see dramatic changes on a daily or weekly basis.  I found that by taking my photo once a month that when compared with previous monthly photos, the changes were quite noticeable and very motivating.

Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.
Wishing you well, and I will be eagerly following your transition progress toward your goal.
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

[KathyLauren]

Congratulations on starting HRT!  One week is probably not a long enough time to feel anything.  Some folks do, but I think most don't.

For me, there was no "SHAZAM!!" moment.  The emotional changes gradually snuck up on me over a month or two.  After a while, I realized that I had a positive outlook on life like I had never had before.  I just felt good about who I was.  The before and after are quite different, like night and day, but there was no point that I can identify where it "happened".  Unlike boob growth, which I know started about 10 days in.

So, if you are expecting a sudden revelation, you may be disappointed.  But stay in touch with your overall mood.  After a while, you wil likely notice a difference from the way you were before.

[JulieAllana]

    Two weeks (yesterday) on HRT.  Still nothing to report there.  We'll see what the next week brings.

     Still bouncing around in my head what it means to be whatever it is I am...Transgender I pretty sure, but the feelings are just all over the place...STILL. 

     Went on a hiking trip this past weekend up in the Ouachita national forest near Mena, Arkansas with an old co-worker from about 10 years ago that I still keep in touch with.  I went in boy mode and didn't feel totally horrible.  It makes me think if I don't feel awful parading around as a boy, then why the hell am I so intent on becoming a woman?  I feel like a mosquito drawn to a bright light, but I can't quite see the light for some reason.  Anyway, I tried all weekend to tell him that I am trans and that I am transitioning, and I just couldn't figure out how to get it out. 

     The trip itself was cool even though it rained just about the whole time we were hiking.  The rain let up in the evening on the first night, so we got to enjoy a camp fire and it was fun preparing our freeze-dried meals that I made.  We were going to do a bit of day hiking from our base camp on the second day, but since it was forecasted to rain all through the night, we just packed out early.  We did get a little bit of exploring in that morning though.  We got back to the car around 5 and then embarked on our 7 hour drive home. 

     The day after the trip is when my calves started complaining.  For me the going up part of the hike was easy, it was the going down that was hardest on my knees and calves.  I guess in the course of daily life and routine work outs that you just don't use the same muscles as when you are going down a trail.

     Anyone here do any hiking?  I would like to plan something up in the white or green mountains (New Hampshire and Vermont) for the spring or early summer.  My old co-worker friend considered our hike difficult when I think it would have been best to describe it as moderate at worst.  I want to go somewhere where you get above the tree line for a better view.  I used to do a good bit of hiking in that region as a teenager and I'm not getting any younger over here!

      Hugz,
             Julie

[Northern Star Girl]

@JulieAllana
Dear Julie:
At 2 weeks it is still a little early to expect much change happening from HRT, but perhaps within the next two weeks you will start feeling things happening in your nipples... tingling, sensitivity, little lumps starting to form under the nipples... and in my case my nipples became erect for most of the day... to the point that I thought that they were going to poke holes in my shirts.... double layers of loose shirts will hide that if you want to be in boy-mode, but if in girl-mode, proudly display poking out under your shirts and tops.

Oh yeah, for sure I do a lot of hiking up here where I live but way too cold now and the snow line is creeping lower and lower making hiking nearly impossible.  In the summer I regularly hike up beyond the tree line and up to the always present snow line, even in the summer.

Somewhere on my thread, in my summer postings there will be some of my hiking photos if you can find them among the plethora of postings and reply comments.

Hey, good news about your calves hurting... no pain, no gain.   This is good for your weight loss program... burn those calories!!!

Thank you for your update and sharing with all of your followers,
Hugs,
Danielle

[JulieAllana]

I did have a little bit of tingling and erect nipples last week, though I attributed that more to excitement over the hormones than the hormones themselves, but maybe...

I have seen your pics of you hiking (I follow your hunted prey thread pretty closely).  I will try to get a couple of mine up.  I have one at the trailhead and one near a cool little waterfall we found.  It was a little cold for swimming even though I was tempted and I am sure my co-worker would have had some questions about my painted nails .  I guess that would have been one way to let the cat out of the bag.

         

[Northern Star Girl]

I did have a little bit of tingling and erect nipples last week, though I attributed that more to excitement over the hormones than the hormones themselves, but maybe...

I have seen your pics of you hiking (I follow your hunted prey thread pretty closely).  I will try to get a couple of mine up.  I have one at the trailhead and one near a cool little waterfall we found.  It was a little cold for swimming even though I was tempted and I am sure my co-worker would have had some questions about my painted nails .  I guess that would have been one way to let the cat out of the bag.

@JulieAllana
Dear Julie:
ha ha ha.... yes, certainly your painted nails will give you a chance to explain and come out to your co-worker. 

Perhaps you might want to consider using that method to find an excuse to expose your secret.

Once you come out to one person it becomes easier and easier each time that you do it.  It will be like a big weight is lifted off of your shoulders when you finally do come out to everyone and you can start enjoying living your life more freely.
Hugs,
Danielle

[sarahc]

     Anyone here do any hiking?  I would like to plan something up in the white or green mountains (New Hampshire and Vermont) for the spring or early summer.  My old co-worker friend considered our hike difficult when I think it would have been best to describe it as moderate at worst.  I want to go somewhere where you get above the tree line for a better view.  I used to do a good bit of hiking in that region as a teenager and I'm not getting any younger over here!

      Hugz,
             Julie

I do some hiking and I did a lot of hiking in the White Mointains as a child. Hiking in New Hampshire is so wonderful. So many great hikes all within a small area and there are some areas you can go where it really feels like wilderness.