On Becoming Julie

[JulieAllana]

So ya'll,
          A GF on here thought I should start a thread about my transition experiences so far.  I have read many others' tales and the idea kinda appeals to me so here it goes I guess.  I suppose I should start at the beginning...


     In the beginning 41 years ago...ok, thats not where I want to start.  We'll start at puberty which is where I first started wanting to become a woman.  Of course as a 13 year old who doesn't even know what a sex change is this is just really confusing.  The result of these desires led to a bizarre arrangement with my subconscious mind wherein I could fantasize about being a woman within a very limited context for brief moments every day and then the rest of the time quite literally forget about it.  So, by the time I was 20 my brain was this Kafkaesque labrynthine maze intended to protect myself from the cruelties of an un-accepting world.

     By the time I was in my thirties, the maze was crumbling.  The walls were still there but there were cracks and I could consciously long to be female.  Of course, it would never work I would tell myself.  I could never transition, I am too fat, tall, broad, scared whatever.  If I couldn't be a *real* woman through some miracle (and oh how I have wished and prayed) I would just have to muddle through life as a guy.

     Where the journey really begins is 41 on Jan. 4th 2018.  The longing has become oppressive and the weight and effort of maintaining the maze is too much.  I have the not so stunning revelation that <booming echoing voice>I AM TRANSGENDER</booming echoing voice> and I said as much out loud for the first time.

And so I began:
    Started working on voice right away
    I met with therapist a few days later
    started stealth feminization (toenails and panties)
    started buying women's clothes to wear at home
    shaved body hair
    shaved beard (you would think that would have happened sooner, but it only happened when it didn't complement the clothes LOL)
    started buying and playing with makeup
    went to therapist as me
    started going out in public (very limited basis, mostly so I can try on stuff when I go shopping)
    got my ears pierced

     All of the above has felt right so what is next?  I am working on feeling and being more feminine and getting used to new pronouns.  So far that is mostly in the forums and therapist/support groups.  The thing is, when it is organic and unscripted, it makes me feel really good when someone calls me girl or lady or GF.  I am also trying to work on more feminine body language. 

    There is so much to do and so much to know and it is all so awesome, BUT there is also the spectre of doubt...you know what I mean:
     
     am I really trans?
     am I doing the right thing?
     I will never pass
     I will never be beautiful
     Sometimes just the lack of feeling good about myself in a blah sort of malaise

I think these are all constructs of the maze that I am just having a hard time jettisoning.  When doubt shows up, I just hold the course and keep moving forward and eventually the feelings subside.  The doubt never makes me not want to move forward even as I feel and experience it.

    ANYWAY, not sure what else I can do before starting hrt to help Julie to the forefront but I will write here about it as I figure it out.   

Geez that was really long!  Anyway, I hope I can be as entertaining and insightful as so many of the other amazing ladies here.  You have all helped me so much in such a short period of time.

           Hugz
                Julie

[JulieAllana]

Had an interesting experience the other day when I was out as Julie and needed to go into a gas station to get something and there were these two unsavory characters just sorta hanging out inside.  They were the type who definitely looked like they would hassle someone dressed like I was.  I know that as a trans woman I am more likely to be physically assaulted and I just didn't want to deal with the situation.  I wound up going back to my vehicle and waiting for them to leave. 

Anyone else have situations that they just didn't want to deal with?


          Julie

[Chelsea]

Julie I'm so glad you made this page. I haven't been out in public yet as Chelsea. I am scared to death but I will have to get over it. What did you do to get over the butterflies?

Hugs,
    Chelsea
 

[Jessica]

Had an interesting experience the other day when I was out as Julie and needed to go into a gas station to get something and there were these two unsavory characters just sorta hanging out inside.  They were the type who definitely looked like they would hassle someone dressed like I was.  I know that as a trans woman I am more likely to be physically assaulted and I just didn't want to deal with the situation.  I wound up going back to my vehicle and waiting for them to leave. 

Anyone else have situations that they just didn't want to deal with?


          Julie

I haven't had that happen, but if your gut feeling gave you warning.  It's worthy to heed it.  Try not to judge or expect that to be your typical experience though.  Most people don't care.

[tgirlamg]

Julie!!!

Breath deep, smile and repeat after me, little sister... "All will be well... 😀!!!

This is your life to make into whatever you choose... The little doubts that whisper in your ear are perfectly normal when contemplating changes of the magnitude of transition... Transition touches every part of our life to one degree or another... You have dipped your toe in the water and liked the way it felt... You waded in a bit deeper and that felt good to... You know the further you wade in... the higher the water becomes... Your senses are whispering to you to make sure you can swim in deep waters... I believe you can!!!

What next? That one is up to you dear sister!!!... I told the little whispering voices that I would make a plan and move forward and I gave myself permission to bail or pause along the way  if moving ahead stopped feeling right... That never happened... What did happen?... An amazing life that I never dreamed would be mine...

Make a plan... Move at whatever speed you want... Go out more en femme... Keep asking questions here... Talk with therapists... Go to support groups... Make local Transwomen friends and learn from their journey...Start HRT...PM your big sister Ashley if she can ever be of help... Make your life what you want it to be... Make this world your own...And then take a deep breath, smile and repeat after me... " All will be well"

Onward we go brave girl...

Hugs!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

[VaxSpyder]

Hey Julie!  You and I are kind of in the same place.  I am just beginning my transition and I'm walking that line between excitement and freedom on one side and self doubt on the other.  My doubts arise from the question: Am I really strong enough to go through this?  Will I chicken out or give up?  It's really hard to know the right thing to do so I'm taking it one day at a time.

By the way, don't worry about being beautiful.  You already are.

[JulieAllana]

Julie I'm so glad you made this page. I haven't been out in public yet as Chelsea. I am scared to death but I will have to get over it. What did you do to get over the butterflies?

Hugs,
    Chelsea

Well the first time me and my wife were going to the thrift store.  As we drove up there were LOTS of cars in the lot, so I told her to go to the one a little farther away.  She wanted to go to that one anyway since she said they have nicer stuff.  Anyway, we got there and there were still a fair number of cars so I just smiled and said here we go and then just took the plunge.  The butterflies were still there but it was certainly helpful to not be alone. 

    The second time was to that first thrift store that we passed up the first time a few days later on the way home from my therapists meeting.  There I was at 6'1" with another 3.5" heels on (LOL) in a skirt and blouse all made up owning it.  Yeah, I got a couple of looks but I was too busy scouring the racks to really notice. 

     Third time, I had to go to kmart and I didn't want to take my nail polish off so I just had to get dressed up.  I got a double take from the cashier, but that was it.  I wasn't really close enough to anyone else for them to really get a good front on look at me. 

    Its kinda like that first splash into a cold swimming pool or lake, you just take the plunge!

       Lots of love everyone,
                      Julie

[JulieAllana]

Ok, so I went out last Saturday with a couple of the trans-women from my support group.  We wound up at a karaoke joint that was supposed to be trans-friendly.  I guess I assumed that that meant there would be a fair number of trans folk there.  There really weren't which made me feel very self conscious as the place just wasn't as safe as I had hoped.  I wanted to sing, but wanted to sing in a higher vocal range and as the place got more and more crowded my courage just withered away.  To add to the stress, I got carded so I got to show the bouncer a picture of my old bearded face...how stressful is that? 

I guess the night just didn't meet my expectations.  I had hoped to be able to do more talking with the ladies I went with, but it was just too loud.  I left feeling not so great and it made me doubt the path I am on in transitioning. 

When I got home and saw myself in the mirror though (all femmed out) I felt good about myself, even without any hrt.  It was then that I started to try to separate out that my negative emotions from earlier were probably really just because I had a stressful night an didn't have as good of a time as I had envisioned and not from not really being trans. 

I still get a fair amount of anxiety about whether or not I am doing the right thing.  There are these moments when I feel just sooo good about it all and then others when it feels like I am being swallowed by the universe.

         Julie

[krobinson103]

Ok, so I went out last Saturday with a couple of the trans-women from my support group.  We wound up at a karaoke joint that was supposed to be trans-friendly.  I guess I assumed that that meant there would be a fair number of trans folk there.  There really weren't which made me feel very self conscious as the place just wasn't as safe as I had hoped.  I wanted to sing, but wanted to sing in a higher vocal range and as the place got more and more crowded my courage just withered away.  To add to the stress, I got carded so I got to show the bouncer a picture of my old bearded face...how stressful is that? 

I guess the night just didn't meet my expectations.  I had hoped to be able to do more talking with the ladies I went with, but it was just too loud.  I left feeling not so great and it made me doubt the path I am on in transitioning. 

When I got home and saw myself in the mirror though (all femmed out) I felt good about myself, even without any hrt.  It was then that I started to try to separate out that my negative emotions from earlier were probably really just because I had a stressful night an didn't have as good of a time as I had envisioned and not from not really being trans. 

I still get a fair amount of anxiety about whether or not I am doing the right thing.  There are these moments when I feel just sooo good about it all and then others when it feels like I am being swallowed by the universe.

         Julie

Be strong. This is a hard thing and the emotions go up and down like a roller coaster. Most days I feel on top of the world, sometimes I feel like screaming to the world "I really don't care what you think!" - which I do everyday by being me. Some days I feel that I'm not enough. You have to draw strength from the good days and get through the hard ones. Most mornings I play "this is me" at high volume to remind myself there really is no reason to be scared or anxious. I am me, its the only way I can be and if the world doesn't like it I don't care.

[JulieAllana]

Out to another relative.  I went to have lunch with my Aunt over the weekend.  I was nervous she might notice my little black studs from where I had my ears pierced (they are small and sorta look like moles), but no one at work had mentioned them in like two weeks so I thought perhaps they just weren't that noticeable.  Well, that is the first thing she noticed when she showed up.  So all during lunch she was just asking unusual questions and I could tell she was worried about me (about to go through a divorce for non-trans related issues), so I decided I had to tell her what was going on with me. 

So, I asked her if she was busy and if she had time to talk after lunch so I went over to her place and just let it all out.  She took it very well and she was very supportive.  She was shocked as well, but very supportive.  I think I was nervous about telling her because I thought she would think it was some sort of midlife crisis or some kinda of temporary insanity about my impending divorce or something like that and want me to go find a therapist to cure me, but that wasn't the case at all. 

Next up my brother and his family.  Not sure when this is going to happen, but my sister-in-law is a therapist and a little bit on the liberal side (brother is decidedly not) and I was thinking I would tell her first an ask her advice on how to approach my brother.  Maybe I'll be like, hey bro, did you ever regret not having a big sister to pick on....?

After that it is dad....shiver.  He has such an erratic personality, I can't even begin to imagine how he is going to take it. 

I'll end on another positive note.  My mom, who has been struggling with understanding the desire to transition is coming around a little bit.  She has seen a couple of shows on TV about it and she is filling in the gaps of what goes on with trans people.  Before I came out to her she really didn't know anything about trans.  Now she is talking about giving me some fashion and makeup advice next time she comes in town.  Sounds good to me.

            Julie

[tgirlamg]

 Hey Julie!!!

Congrats on the latest brave steps forward towards making your life what you want it to be... Those closest to us sometimes have a lot of set ideas about who they think we are... Sometimes they adjust slowly and sometimes they jump onboard without blinking... either way...they get to finally experience who we truly are and they will come to know, that is a blessing!!!... The direction is forward and ... All shall be well

Onward we go brave little sister!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

[JulieAllana]

     Ok, so lately I have been suffering from a sort of intermittent malaise that I can't quite figure out.  It's just a general feeling of being unwell emotionally, maybe a little depressed and I can't figure out why because there isn't any particular thing that is apparent to me that is causing it.  If I sit there and try to think about what is causing it, my brain just wanders off.  It really stinks because I want to get to the bottom of it and I can't.  The rational side of my brain keeps trying to come up with theories about why I am feeling bad.  Of course I have to look at the one big change in my life that started two month ago, which is deciding to transition.  I don't really think that is it exactly, but it is still troubling that that is even a candidate. 

     Last evening I was feeling the malaise and just reading a few stories on Susan's about ladies starting hrt was enough to lift my spirits.  Being that doing things that are trans affirming seems to lift my spirits, I tend to come to the conclusion that the malaise isn't from transitioning.  I think it could be related to anything, maybe diet, exercise, malnutrition, or even some trans hangups that are a residual from the 30 years I spent hiding from myself. 

     Anyone have any ideas on how to delve into your subconscious mind to figure out what the heck is going on in there? 

          Julie

[kitchentablepotpourri]

Had an interesting experience the other day when I was out as Julie and needed to go into a gas station to get something and there were these two unsavory characters just sorta hanging out inside.  They were the type who definitely looked like they would hassle someone dressed like I was.  I know that as a trans woman I am more likely to be physically assaulted and I just didn't want to deal with the situation.  I wound up going back to my vehicle and waiting for them to leave.

Anyone else have situations that they just didn't want to deal with?


          Julie

That was good judgement on your part; good situational awareness skills can help keep us safe.  I always listen to my instincts, and if something doesn't feel right I avoid it.

[KathyLauren]

     Anyone have any ideas on how to delve into your subconscious mind to figure out what the heck is going on in there? 

That sounds like the job description of a therapist.  You mentioned earlier in the thread that you have one.  A good therapist should help you unravel what is going on for you.  If the malaise is trans-related, you will want to know how so you can put it to rest.  And if it isn't, you want reassurance of that, and maybe some help with dealing with whatever it is.

So I'd recommend raising the issue at your next therapy appointment.

[JulieAllana]

Hah!  Here I am replying to myself.  I just wrote something in a response in another thread that maybe gave me some insight to the feelings I described above.

    The idea that I have always been a woman is something that I am still coming to terms with.  Not because I don't acknowledge that, but because I am still so masculine in so many ways, including some of how I think, which is a direct contradiction to the statement, "I am a woman and always have been."  After so many years shrouded in male socialization cues and being stuck in this male body,  it is really hard to peel the layers of the onion because they root so deeply.  Those things were part of my shield that protected me from harm and ridicule and I imagine for that reason, it is hard and scary to let them go.  Even now when not in girl mode I hold that shield up and while I don't think about it when I am holding it up, as I am typing this that shield just seems so heavy and oppressive.  I need to find a way to let it go.

When talking about my masculinity being my shield, I started to have some feelings in my chest similar to when I feel the malaise, but there was also some sadness there as well.  It made my want to cry.  Am I mourning the loss of my shield and masculinity or that it is such a cross to bare and the weight of it is crushing?  What are even the implications of those thoughts and how do I get out from under them?

         Julie

[JulieAllana]

I have what I think to be a funny story, hope you all like it.

So, my wife goes out to dinner with one of her workers and forgets her wallet.  She calls me to come rescue her and they won't take a credit card over the phone, so I have to drive out there.  I tell her it will be a few minutes before I can leave and then we hang up. 

I am on my way, it has been maybe 25-30 minutes since we got off of the phone and I am almost there when they start texting me wanting to know when I would be there.  I responded implying that I was still putting on my makeup, knowing that they would probably believe me.  Talk about two excited women when I walked into the restaurant a few minutes later.  They indeed believed that I was still at home getting all dolled up to come out and rescue them.  I think my wife saw the humor in it, but her little worker was about ready to throw down in the parking lot, haha.  I thought it was HILLARIOUS!

         Julie

[Chelsea]

I have what I think to be a funny story, hope you all like it.

So, my wife goes out to dinner with one of her workers and forgets her wallet.  She calls me to come rescue her and they won't take a credit card over the phone, so I have to drive out there.  I tell her it will be a few minutes before I can leave and then we hang up. 

I am on my way, it has been maybe 25-30 minutes since we got off of the phone and I am almost there when they start texting me wanting to know when I would be there.  I responded implying that I was still putting on my makeup, knowing that they would probably believe me.  Talk about two excited women when I walked into the restaurant a few minutes later.  They indeed believed that I was still at home getting all dolled up to come out and rescue them.  I think my wife saw the humor in it, but her little worker was about ready to throw down in the parking lot, haha.  I thought it was HILLARIOUS!

         Julie

That's Awesome Julie. I bet those two were sweating bullets right before you walked in. lol

Hugs,
      Chelsea

[JulieAllana]

Ok, so this just happened:

   I was at a support group meeting tonight out as me, all dressed up with makeup on and everything.  I am pulling up to my block  at around 10:15 PM and I notice my neighbor just getting out of his SUV and going into his house.  I am not out to my neighbors yet so I quickly park and make a made dash to my front door and slip inside.  I figured I would get in a couple of selfies while I was dressed up so I was turning on some lights for the pics when the doorbell rings and ITS HIM!

I am like what the heck is he wanting?  Did he see me and wants to know whats up?  Anyway, I rip off my clothes and quickly run a rag over my face and go to answer the door.  By this time, he had figured I wasn't going to answer and was about back at his house.  I called to him to see what he wanted and he just wanted me to help him unload something from his vehicle...I was like PHEW.  I told him to gimme a minute. 

I guess at like 10PM I figured I was pretty safe from people knocking on my door.  No selfies for me tonight.

          Julie

[JulieAllana]

Ok, so I have let my thread fall into disrepair.  I have been kinda having the same issues and thoughts go round and round in my head about my transition over the last several months.  Mostly it has been waves of feeling like I need to transition followed by times when I just feel...normal?  Whatever normal means?  I mean it isn't a feeling of not wanting to transition, just the absence of a strong desire to.  I kinda feel like having paid some pretty serious attention to my desires to be a woman that my subconscious (you know, the one that kept all of this repressed for 30 years) is like "ok, enough of that for now, we're going to put Julie back in the box for awhile."  Anyway, I didn't want to post in the forums every time I was having the same issues for 3-4 months as that just gets old and the comments while genuine and very supportive just start seeming rote.

Anyway, so over that time I have been trying to distill what within me is woman.  My therapist tells me I am a woman which the right brain laughs at (body of a man...DUH) and squelches out the left side which is trying to be Julie.  I so desperately want to be a woman and keep trying to figure out how I am supposed to feel inside to validate that transition is the right direction to move towards.  I have done everything I am comfortable with to the point where it isn't really exciting now and just seems normal (mannerisms, dress at home, voice, come out to a select few, ears peirced etc), but I feel like I am stuck in the same place I have been in since around March.  Some things are harder, like going out in public.  When I go out, I feel like everyone is looking at the big guy in a dress...BLEGH!

Well, I suppose it is time to move on.  After talking with some of the lovely trans-ladies in my support group about their HRT experiences and despite being terrified about it, yesterday I asked my therapist for a letter to give to an endo.  I figure HRT is the next frontier and will either give me the validation I need to continue moving forward or to reconsider where I want to be at the end of all of this.  I won't get the letter for another week and a half and I want to bank some sperm before I start HRT so I am probably still a month out from starting.  This will give me some time to kick my weight loss into overdrive ( I kinda plateau'd for the last 1.5 months) to get to the place I want to be when I start HRT. 

What is there to be terrified about?  Well, after some period on HRT, the physical changes aren't easily hidden anymore and I will have to come out.  I am quite nervous about my father and brother and some of my cousins who are fairly religious.  I am also quite anxious about coming out at work.  HR has policies protecting transgender employees against discrimination, but I have co-workers who have made off-color remarks previously and the inevitable change in the work dynamic and environment has me quite worried.   Fear of the unknown...so powerful.

I also stress about what my appearance will be like.  I am tall, and broad and a bit overweight (for now) and am just so uncomfortable with how I look (when dressed, *I* only see the man in women's clothing most of the time). 

Anyway, there isn't much for it but to charge ahead, like @tgirlamc says, "Onward we go brave little sister!!!"

            Julie

[Northern Star Girl]

@JulieAllana  :
Dear Julie:    Oh my, oh my.... over a month since your last update and posting... on YOUR own thread !  ... 
We will all forgive you of course once you get back on track and start keeping your followers and readers up to date about you and your journey.

You are not alone with your feelings, not many of us here have escaped having doubts and fears about transitioning... somewhere in our journeys we can come up with all kinds of doubts and fears about our transition goals, particularly if we hit a pothole or two while on the transition road.

No need to be terrified when and if you start HRT...  you have at your disposal a veritable treasure trove of other members postings and experiences to let you know what your might expect. 
The important thing to always remember is that HRT will work differently, faster, slower, more significant changes, less significant changes, etc.... depending on how your unique body responds.   As it is said here, "YMMV" ... meaning that "Your mileage may vary."

Check out the various threads by other members here and look at their pictures if they post them... you can read and also see for yourself some of the before and after results... again the results vary according to each body's response to HRT and of course other factors which include grooming, makeup, jewelry, clothing, actions and movements, voice, etc.

Just be certain to keep going to your therapist on a regular basis, especially at the beginning.

So, now that I have admonished you to keep your thread up to date, please, if you feel comfortable doing it,  do so and keep your followers and readers happy.  Plus, just sharing your transition experiences is very good therapy in itself for you and instructional and perhaps encouraging for those that read it.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle