The problem I find is that before transition I didn't give a rat's about any of this, and yet I'd have no trouble landing someone just on account of being female, if that's what I wanted. Not to say I didn't care about appearance but I didn't notice it in the same way. Was numb. Now I'm not, now I have nerve endings in regard to that sort of thing and I don't mind looking in the mirror, or I look harder in the mirror at what I see and I care more about what I look like....
I might actually be vain, I'm not really sure, this is new for me. Caring about myself is new for me. Coping with it is strange because I don't consider myself particularly attractive, but I don't want to be unattractive... as I think if someone is unattractive it does subconsciously affect interactions with everyone (maybe only at first but it's a constant thing with every new encounter). It matters less to most men whether they are less attractive I suppose, but even if that's the case I find myself working on things a lot more to improve... but of course I can't hide and flaws behind makeup even if I wanted to, without attracting attention for that. I'm thinking about a few things I might have done, finances permitting, although they'd be minor adjustments. I don't think I'm ugly, but there are things I can see that always stand out to me that maybe others barely even register, and they drive me nuts (and I want them fixed).
So part of coping with stuff like that is the fact there might be options in the future to fix them I guess. Otherwise the only coping method will be desensitization and apathy again.
As for relationships, I've been in a relationship of some form most of my adult life, it's weird adjusting to the idea of not being in one. For now though I'm not comfortable in the existing one, have to figure myself out first and I need space to do it without the look of disapproval following me or whatever. Took stock of all the flaws my partner has and that I have and that maybe we deserve a break from the intensity and all that. Some time to relax and do what I want. Not all that worried at the prospect of not being able to find someone else... I think if you meet enough people you eventually find someone. Third time's the charm, maybe. I'm not going to think about it as it just seems to lead to the same place and I do remember a time in the past when it wasn't on my mind and I didn't require it... trying to get back into that headspace and just enjoy everything else. I'm hoping I don't start to want what everyone else wants or has as it's prob way too late for any of that... trying to focus on career and basic fulfillment and maybe I might meet someone some day who clicks. But if not, just going to try and get the most out of the time left. There's still a lot to appreciate even without that for now.
