Huh, time for some update, I suppose.
Well, 16 apr 2019 I visited psychiatrist. First visit was a bit awkward - I dunno what I should said and doc just asked some questions. You know, I'm bad with asking for help and explaining people what I need and what I want. Partially that's due my habit to deal with everything I face alone, and just didn't get used to it. But also half of my wishes and actions working on instincts and I have no idea "why", and that "why" is what doc interested in. At the end of conversation she said that I'm out of standarts (I wonder if they said it to every trans entering into their clinic) and they need to run full check on me to exclude some conditions.
24 apr 2019 I visited my second doc. Actually, many people doesn't consider psychologists as doctors, but anyway. After such conversation with psychiatrist I prepared myself to defence, but this one was actually nice. She made me feel safe and created friendly athmosphere in seconds and I just melted and told her everything XD This time I even asked for little break to drink some water because I rarely speak so much. Actually, place itself is quite friendly. Guess not many such clinics in Russia, probably, 1 in each Moscow and Saint-Petersburg.
Then 30 apr 2019, new psychiatrist. Some old questions, some new questions, a bit friendlier athmosphere, "out of standarts" conclusion in the end. Actually, I think I could've make this process easier by forging classic story about "I always wanted to be girl, constantly dressing", probably, with pinch of "I wanna be with my male friend and became woman for him" (that things works here lol), but I decided to walk through all this by myself, with all my tough character and non-classic story where most of my problems barely connected to my dysphoria and more related to stupid decisions that everyone making.
Because I actually don't have much problems with living as male. I even don't hate my body, I just don't care about it now. And, let's be objective, stand and aiming while pee is convenient (yeah, I said that). I mean, I understand some pros and cons. But nonetheless I don't feel myself male, and I just want to be more myself and bring some harmony in my life, I wanna love my body instead of having no feelings at all. What will change, they asking. Ask damn fortune teller, please. They don't like answer "I will be myself", they need facts about future lol. Reminds me that HR "Where do you see yourself in five years?" stuff. Stupid question by itself, but for halfly driven by intuiton me it's just difficult.
Huh. At least, they gave me list of analyses I have to do. By the way, endo was nice too. This was the first person in real world who talk with me as with Alice. Previous could've too, but it was a little awkward to me right now. Though they said one right thing - if I gonna make it, I have to get used to my name. And it was great ^_^
Out of that medical stuff, I continuing practicing voice whenever I can - in home, on work, and I dunno... Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it feels like I forgot everything and have to search correct resonance from start. Maybe I need more practice. But when I hear my clients call me "miss" I melting by happiness XD
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Meanwhile (just some boring stuff)
Deputy governor of one region of our great Russia officially declared that medics have to be motivated to work by patriotism.
The problem is that it hard to build patriotism when regular doctor monthly income is around 200$ (and they working 118 hours weekly!) while administration position have thousands. It's amusing. Patriotism such funny thing. "If there's in Russia someone talking about patriotism, be sure that something was stolen"©
If Alice became sarcastic and cynic (more than usual), then it's beginning of May month. Labor day is something bearable, but right after that, 9 may, we have Victory Day, when our grands marched through Berlin in 1945. And here we go... Thousands and millions talking all kind of "We can do it again!" and "Thanks for victory, grandfather" stuff, they expressing pride for our "great" nation, but all I can feel is shame and grief. Wake up, idiots, it was our ancestors who build great USSR and with huge losses stop Germany attack on east front. It was our ancestors who launched first human into space. It was our parents and us who fckd everything up and let USSR die. With few exceptions, we have nothing to be pride of. We should be ashamed, because our greatest minds leave this rotting corpse of Soviets and found better places. We should be ashamed, because we let few bands raise and become government to rob people under protection of law. We should be ashamed, because we let them destroy our production. But instead they pride and show patriotism. Pathetic herd of brainwashed sheeps who won't recognise independent thinking even if someone whip them with it.
Members of one magazine placed posters with quotes from Constitution of RF. Local authorities forbid that actions first because "ads with info from Constitution cannot be placed near schools" then because it is extremism. So, now anyone who read Constitution becoming terrorist? Cool. I bet, if our government will do something that improving things for people, it would be totally by mistake. This country is broken, please, give us another to play with.
