Thanks, Sonja! I answered you in PM

Another little (or big, depends) update. I think I found my voice. Have to work with it though to make it shine but I think soon you'll hear something from me Ofc right after Eryn, promised her that she'll be first

Quote from: Alice V on February 13, 2019, 04:07:43 AM
Thanks, Sonja! I answered you in PM

Another little (or big, depends) update. I think I found my voice. Have to work with it though to make it shine but I think soon you'll hear something from me Ofc right after Eryn, promised her that she'll be first

@Alice V
OH wow Alice!! I can't wait!! Please definitely let us know when you are ready so we can listen to your voice.

Take care,

Sonja XO

Huh, time for some update, I suppose.

Well, 16 apr 2019 I visited psychiatrist. First visit was a bit awkward - I dunno what I should said and doc just asked some questions. You know, I'm bad with asking for help and explaining people what I need and what I want. Partially that's due my habit to deal with everything I face alone, and just didn't get used to it. But also half of my wishes and actions working on instincts and I have no idea "why", and that "why" is what doc interested in.  At the end of conversation she said that I'm out of standarts (I wonder if they said it to every trans entering into their clinic) and they need to run full check on me to exclude some conditions.

24 apr 2019 I visited my second doc. Actually, many people doesn't consider psychologists as doctors, but anyway. After such conversation with psychiatrist I prepared myself to defence, but this one was actually nice. She made me feel safe and created friendly athmosphere in seconds and I just melted and told her everything XD This time I even asked for little break to drink some water because I rarely speak so much. Actually, place itself is quite friendly. Guess not many such clinics in Russia, probably, 1 in each Moscow and Saint-Petersburg.

Then 30 apr 2019, new psychiatrist. Some old questions, some new questions, a bit friendlier athmosphere, "out of standarts" conclusion in the end. Actually, I think I could've make this process easier by forging classic story about "I always wanted to be girl, constantly dressing", probably, with pinch of "I wanna be with my male friend and became woman for him" (that things works here lol), but I decided to walk through all this by myself, with all my tough character and non-classic story where most of my problems barely connected to my dysphoria and more related to stupid decisions that everyone making.

Because I actually don't have much problems with living as male. I even don't hate my body, I just don't care about it now. And, let's be objective, stand and aiming while pee is convenient (yeah, I said that). I mean, I understand some pros and cons. But nonetheless I don't feel myself male, and I just want to be more myself and bring some harmony in my life, I wanna love my body instead of having no feelings at all. What will change, they asking. Ask damn fortune teller, please. They don't like answer "I will be myself", they need facts about future lol. Reminds me that HR "Where do you see yourself in five years?" stuff. Stupid question by itself, but for halfly driven by intuiton me it's just difficult.

Huh. At least, they gave me list of analyses I have to do. By the way, endo was nice too. This was the first person in real world who talk with me as with Alice. Previous could've too, but it was a little awkward to me right now. Though they said one right thing - if I gonna make it, I have to get used to my name. And it was great ^_^

Out of that medical stuff, I continuing practicing voice whenever I can - in home, on work, and I dunno... Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it feels like I forgot everything and have to search correct resonance from start. Maybe I need more practice. But when I hear my clients call me "miss" I melting by happiness XD

=====
Meanwhile (just some boring stuff)
Deputy governor of one region of our great Russia officially declared that medics have to be motivated to work by patriotism.

The problem is that it hard to build patriotism when regular doctor monthly income is around 200$ (and they working 118 hours weekly!) while administration position have thousands. It's amusing. Patriotism such funny thing. "If there's in Russia someone talking about patriotism, be sure that something was stolen"©

If Alice became sarcastic and cynic (more than usual), then it's beginning of May month. Labor day is something bearable, but right after that, 9 may, we have Victory Day, when our grands marched through Berlin in 1945. And here we go... Thousands and millions talking all kind of "We can do it again!" and "Thanks for victory, grandfather" stuff, they expressing pride for our "great" nation, but all I can feel is shame and grief. Wake up, idiots, it was our ancestors who build great USSR and with huge losses stop Germany attack on east front. It was our ancestors who launched first human into space. It was our parents and us who fckd everything up and let USSR die. With few exceptions, we have nothing to be pride of. We should be ashamed, because our greatest minds leave this rotting corpse of Soviets and found better places. We should be ashamed, because we let few bands raise and become government to rob people under protection of law. We should be ashamed, because we let them destroy our production. But instead they pride and show patriotism. Pathetic herd of brainwashed sheeps who won't recognise independent thinking even if someone whip them with it.

Members of one magazine placed posters with quotes from Constitution of RF. Local authorities forbid that actions first because "ads with info from Constitution cannot be placed near schools" then because it is extremism. So, now anyone who read Constitution becoming terrorist? Cool. I bet, if our government will do something that improving things for people, it would be totally by mistake. This country is broken, please, give us another to play with.

General blood test, biochemical blood test, coagulogram, general testotsterone test, estradiol, prolactin, LH... I wonder if I have enough blood for all this tests How much do we have? 4-5 liters? Lol.

Worst part is that I have to do it on an empty stomach -_- I love to eat! >_<
I'll just try to go bed at 10 PM. Likely I will fail and will just tossing and turning until 2 am, but I'll try.

upd. 1 AM. I definitely failed 

Huh, they are faster than light. Just yestarday they took my blood and today I already get results.
I like tests. It gives me info about my current health. More than that I like positive results. Most parameters in normal state, but some little higher or lower. I wonder what does that means and can't wait my next visit to the doctor. Ofc, I made my own small research, but hey, I don't have qualification to make any real conclusion. Right now I can only scare myself with heart-liver-anemia-cancer stuff In the end it probably turns that everything ok, and I just don't drink enough water or maybe I should reconsider my ration. My friend (he's doctor on x-rays and MRI) said I have fine results for man Well, biologically it's ok, but I hope to change it ^_^

7 may I have to make ultrasound of my balls and that will be all I need at this stage.

========

The more I think about myself as about Alice, the more I feel my dysphoria. For entire life I wear armor of sarcasm and indifference, posturing myself as cold-hearted machine and looking at my body just like it nothing more than vehicle for my mind. But when my doc said she need to take a look at my body, and I was presented as transgender woman, first time in my life I felt myself ashamed about untidiness. Talking as Alice not just in internet but in real life makes me wish to be as much feminine as I can. I wanna remove all this body hair (actually, I already shaved some places), remove my balls. My connection to body becomes stronger and so does dysphoria.

In my plans including hair removal, asking my named sis to help me with cosmetics and buying some outfit (I found services which anonymously deliver packages into postamats and it helps - I ain't ready for shopping in person haha) But first things first, can't afford this to myself while spending money in clinics.

I think if I didn't learn about TG existance two years ago, I'd live my gray-colored life in surety that I doomed to be man to, let's say, 50 years or around and then take suicidal coctail for painless death. Now I have purpose.

On the whole, everything seems to be going well.  Please continue to keep us informed.  The media in the West have a lot of negative stories about the treatment of LGBT people in Russia but from what you have written recently, the reality does not seem to be quite so bad, at least for trans people.

I hope that my interpretation is correct and that everything contines to go well for you personally. 

Quote from: MaryT on May 04, 2019, 12:33:43 PM
On the whole, everything seems to be going well.  Please continue to keep us informed.  The media in the West have a lot of negative stories about the treatment of LGBT people in Russia but from what you have written recently, the reality does not seem to be quite so bad, at least for trans people.

I hope that my interpretation is correct and that everything contines to go well for you personally. 

Well, I'm live in Moscow, and it is something different, than entire Russia. People here more open-minded, more busy and doesn't care much about others. Though even here you can meet haters, mostly people just don't wasting time on each other. And yup, we have two verified friendly clinics for TG in Russia, and one of them located in St. Petersburg, our north capitol, and second in Moscow - I attended to it. So, what I trying to say, I'm lucky to live in our most progressive city.

As for treatment itself... Here we have to wait until our psychiatrist say that we aren't mentally ill, then we passing through council of few doctors from adjacent disciplines - psychiatrist, psychologist, sexologist, endocrynologist. They looking on results of tests, conclusions from each other, questioning person, and, if everything fine, give that person permission to start HRT.
HRT only isn't enough for docs change though. We still don't have regulations for that process, so if you lucky you can get permission on documents change in court, otherwise you won't receive it until you post-op.

And on every stage TG will likely meet somebody who consider them mad, mentally unstable. People don't want understand us, they mostly stubborn and stagnant. That related not just to TG theme, it is our reality - many medics reached their position they consider top for themself (because one need to have connections to move higher), and sit there without even trying to improve their knowledge. Why, if nobody demand it from them? From my friends-doctors I mostly hear stories about how good medics was throwed down in dirt or how bad medics cannot be fired because of connections with more powerful people. With good people leaving hospitals and idiots staying there, it's hard to find the right treatment for anything, including TG.

And we're just generally harsh, close-minded, conservative and etc. Our people hate anyone who out of standarts, and they will humiliate those persons until they tired. In combination, yup, we have to be lucky to receive normal treatment.

So, basically, problem not just in hate toward LGBT+, it lies in general degradation of our people. They cling to Orthodox Church, to prison code, they don't want to learn something new and open their minds to new reality.

===========

Meanwhile

Our Emperor approved the project "Safe Runet". They will gather all networks in our country and unite them into one global Runet under govenment control. On papers, it should save .ru segment of internet if USA will cut us from www. In practice, it is new Iron Curtain for us. They will censore everything they don't like, providing us only info they consider "appropriate". So, if I will suddenly disappear, know that TG info considered dangerous for our great society.

Although things may have been going well, you do seem to be walking a tightrope.  I didn't know about the planned runet and I hope that we can continue to read how you are getting on.

QuoteAlthough things may have been going well, you do seem to be walking a tightrope.

That's our reality. You think that leaders can't do something more stupid, but they continue to surprise you. Heard something like that about american president.

And I wonder what awaits me after transition. I working with neonazi on the one side and Emperor's loyalist on the other. We don't talk much about our ideologies and work fine together, and I'm curious will it remains the same way.

Ok, even if I'm exaggerating it a bit, that's still my reality (though I'm pretty sure I described things better than they actually are), and in my reality I don't trust people and I'm pretty sure that tomorrow will be worse than yestarday, and I have my reasons to hate our greatest mother Russia and be afraid of almost anything.

My little discussion with AnneK made me think (thank you, @AnneK ^_^) and I found 4 of 9 symptoms of shizotypal disorder in my behavior and way of thinking. Another 2 questionable. Guess I will have quite interesting conversation with my psychiatrist...

upd. Oh, no, it's begun. Now I have shizotypal disorder or autism. I wonder what I will diagnose next XD
And that's what I talking about. One shouldn't diagnose oneself, even if one have psychiatric diploma. Assessment becoming subjective and, in my case, unprofessional.

Hey. Today is my 24-h shift, and after hot day chill evening-night has begun, so I decided to watch some good Starcraft 2. I opened SC2 Starladder channel, found first random video, and that was korean tournament where korean player Trap played vs canadian player Scarlett. And it appears that Scarlett is transgender woman. Guess which comment was hottest? "Trap vs trap", obviously.

It's disgusting to see how harsh and irrespectable we can be. The only people who call her "she" (except commentator) are those who didn't knew about her transition, and after all that "kind" people revealing the truth they starting call her "he" too. I guess she's lucky not to know about us little hateful homophobic & transphobic russians who offending her in public. At least I hope that she don't know because nobody care what that crazy russians talking between themselves. It was the second video with her I watched, and the second time I feel myself dirty from reading comments.

Little fact: Scarlett was called top female cybersportsman (or cybersportswoman, I don't know if that word exists sorry sounds little ironic but be sure in my own language I call her with right gender marker) in Starcraft 2, and that caused additional burst of hate in past. Well, I'm sure everyone heard about transwomen-athlets who beating cis-women due their bone structure and muscular mass. I think it's wrong to separate men and women in such intellectual sport like cybersport or even chess because even if our birth sex can make us physically stronger than ciswomen, it doesn't affect our mind powers. But people still hates her for that title.

Especially russians. Because, you know, we hate everything and everyone, and even ourselves. We're evil.


But enough of this. I get all my test results, and 14 may will be my second meeting with endo when she'll decide if I physically health to endure HRT.

My friends said I sound like a trap. Very supportive lol. I value them for honesty, after all. Well, then I have to work more on my voice to impress them.

I'm not iron woman even if I wanna to be one. And I cried. But everything will be fine. I'm tougher than this.

So, my friends telling me that I sound like trap, another friend said it was feminine. Today I got a call from bank, they wanted to provide me a loan. They asked if they can hear me and didn't believed me when I told them they talking with me right now because they hear female voice. And I even didn't tried to sound feminine. So complicating.



Btw, I remembered one curious fact. It's true I didn't saw myself as woman many years, but my anger always had female face. I don't know how to explain it. It seems I took most of my emotions and put it somewhere inside where Alice was, because, actually, no matter if I crying or dreaming about tearing someone's face I always do it as Alice. Whenever I boost my resolve, I do it as Alice. Dammit, my own face and name is really only the fake facade of me (I knew it already but looking from different perspective now).

Hi Alice

Im really pleased and happy to see that you're moving forward with your transition even in your difficult circumstances.  I loved hearing your voice! Thanks xo
I find it very interesting hearing your thoughts about your country and whats going on there- i would encourage you to be as positive and endearing as possible because i think  as Alice you have a great chance to find your true self and find a real reason to smile each day.

Thinking of you and I hope you are well xo

Sonja

Hey Sonja! ^_^

I can be positive and negative in same time, multitask and balance - I find negative in positive and vice versa XD It's nice to know you like my voice, thanks )

Aaand, if you found it interesting...

Meanwhile in Russia: our pilots leaving country and move to China due better working conditions and trippled salary. China requires verification letter from Russian Aviation to confirm that this pilots can fly. What our genies made to keep our best pilots in country? Didn't send verification letter. Well, pilots not idiots, they just moved to China and verify their skills there.
Rus Aviation, you're *not allowed*.

I have friend. We've met at fantasy (mostly Harry Potter but not only that) forum. At that moment I was grumpy old->-bleeped-<- with few years history there, and she was seemd like upstart newbie. We both participated in forum RPG and didn't liked each other. I killed her character, she was mad, we fought in PM, told we hate both characters and persons... And we both don't remember, how it came to our current relationships. At some point we became like sisters (well, back then it was bro and sis lol).

Yestarday I impulsively told her about my identity, and though she was shocked, she suddenly started call me Alice and talk to me like to girl. It was so inspiring and for entire evening I free myself from anger and enjoy that warming feeling. It like when you forgot what is tenderness and warm and touch, grow spikes and started to hate all world and suddenly someone softly stroke you and hug. Shock, fallback, uncertain wish for more. I told her my story.

And she found it inspiring for herself. She's at same stage as me couple of years ago, when I didn't knew what to do with my life. I was unsure if my existance have any reasons and what I want from it, I was completely lost. Now when I found myself, she believe that she can do this too. Nope, she isn't trans, but hey cisgenders have their problems too, they are humans. And she wish me to remember what means to be truly happy because it would give her hope. It boosting my resolve to walk down my path, now not only for myself, but for her too.

=======

Meanwhile in Russia

The petition about replacing Bri Larson with woman of color, started by Spike Valentine, gathered 20k supporters. Funny fact, most of them are from Russia, Ukraine and other Commonwealth States. But do not fool yourself, we don't support nor Bri not women of color, we just wanna show how chaotic society can become when people trying to please everyone. And to show that we can control the USA. Oh, dammit, there's already rumors about us choosing new president of the USA

Hey Alice
Thats really awesome that you have a new friend and one that you can be open about your self! I'm really happy for you. Isn't it funny how we can sometimes become friends with people who start out with difficulties...

Take care

Sonja

Quote from: Sonja on May 13, 2019, 11:00:50 PM
Hey Alice
Thats really awesome that you have a new friend and one that you can be open about your self! I'm really happy for you. Isn't it funny how we can sometimes become friends with people who start out with difficulties...

Take care

Sonja

Oh, she isn't new. We know each other many years
In that days I just started to learn how to admit my mistakes. I used to be one who never admit them and believed I always right. It was hard to realise that I do something wrong, but now I have such skill and it's quite helpful

Quote from: Alice V on May 13, 2019, 12:38:41 PM
... Oh, dammit, there's already rumors about us choosing new president of the USA

I like. 

I'll bet that the FBI and CIA would turn a blind eye next time, if you did.

Quote from: MaryT on May 14, 2019, 01:49:34 PM
I like. 

I'll bet that the FBI and CIA would turn a blind eye next time, if you did.

Everything went so good last time, I wonder why they shouldn't