Quote from: lia_li on October 04, 2018, 05:03:21 AM
This is probably going to sound ridiculous but.......
I've been living stealth for a little over a year now but I still haven't come out to my mom who happens to be a very staunch evangelical christian with very anti lgbt views and is extremely homophobic/transphobic.
Anyway...I see her maybe once every 2 or 3 months to meet up for lunch or dinner. During that time, I go back to guy mode (I never grew my hair and keep it at a permanent pixie cut for this reason) I even told her that the scar line I have from ffs is from an accident at work.
Basically, using make up to make my eyebrows look a bit bushy, using a bit to make it look like I have a slight beard/moustache shadow, and wearing baggy clothes and a binder. I also wear my men's glasses and make sure to style my hair in a masculine manner and revert to using a guy voice.
I feel so fake and I don't know if she knows if anything is up. A while ago, my sister tried to talk to my mom about the possibility that I may be gay or trans and my mom literally became ballistic with my sister; throwing things, screaming, telling my sister never to even insinuate such a vile thing, and basically going nuts.
What do I do? I can't keep this up forever. I want to grow out my hair and not have to pretend to be a guy just to make her happy but at the same time, I know if she found out about me, it would devastate her since it's only her, my sister, and me in our family.
Hi Lia! I have a different perspective on this, as one of my very best friends went through this very same thing, and I've seen it happen many times.
I agree with Lucca, but maybe we can still win this fight.
Let me say this plain; it is obvious your mother is only going to cause you grief if you come out to her entirely right now, and however she finds out, you need to distance yourself and minimize backlash so that you can contiue your transition without being treated wrongfully. She also, obviously, needs time to process, and the last thing you should do is make yourself an available target. Family or not, no one has any right to act that way or treat you like that, and judging by her reaction already, she is not in any place where a face to face discussion will avail anything at present. Keep in mind as well, that if you cater to and validate her in any way, she will only continue on this path. She needs time to think and deal with this, rather than projecting her insecurities onto other people, or having a convenient target. In time, and when the smoke clears and she's had a think, you may be able to talk. Time will be your friend here, and you will likely have to be a bit stubborn if you want this to end well. In the end though, its up to HER how this turns out - not you. Don't forget that.
The following is opinion based on faith from my friend's point of view. I will share it here just in case it may be of help, and as I don't know how you feel about the faith, maybe it will be helpful to you if you're struggling with it.
My friend is very religious, and for her, it came down to this:
She wrote her mother a letter, and said something to the effect of the following: (I have recieved her permission to post this anonymously, and she encouraged me to share her story)
'The God we believe in is very different, mother. The God I know is love, acceptance, and universal rights and consideration without borders, limitations, or bias. The God I know is not hateful, is not a hypocrite, and is not what you preach, and what you have said claiming it to be Christian. Your hateful attitudes and violent behavior are not Christian. Whatever your reasoning, I understand you are too filled with spite and ignorance to see that God made me this way for a reason. My transition is a symbol, from God, for that acceptance that Christ preaches, and it is a shame you cannot see that. As your child, and a devoted Christian, I refuse to let your polluted views taint my faith, and it is because I am a Christian, that it is my duty to correct and point this out to you since you claim it as well. I care about you, mother. But your caring for me is sadly not nearly as strong as your caring about validating and practicing hate, and that is a sad day for any child when their parent has such values above a Christly love and guidance for their children. Either you accept and love me as GOD made me, or we cannot be in each other's lives.
I pray you will see the light, and that you, mother, can be freed from this hate that binds you like chains. I forgive you, mother. It's time you come to terms with your faith, and God, and forgive yourself as well, and move forward. Let not these dark things haunt you any longer. I will pray for you, and hope God opens your eyes. When, and if that day should come, I will be waiting with open arms, and a Christly embrace, as any Christian would.'
Her mother eventually came around, and now the two share a very close and wonderfully deep bond. Additionally, her mother has become active in promoting for acceptance in the church for our community, and proudly posting about her and her daughter. Sometimes, I guess, for those that may believe in the concept, God works in mysterious ways. She later admitted that if her daughter had not written this to her or taken a stand and stuck with it, she may never have had the revelation she did. She now believes her daughter's actions were the will of God to change her and save her from the cycle of hate.
I don't know you or your mother, and only you know the situation, and the best way to handle this, but I hope this may be of some help, or present some ideas at the very least in how to proceed.
Either way, I hope love will win out in the end. In my experience, it often does.
Stay strong, girl. You're not alone.
