Come out to my kids presenting Male or Female?

[Susan R]

An Update to my Coming Out Update:

Something happened to my daughter and grandchildren after we left their home Saturday evening.  I was just told about this via text and I've received very little detail about it so far.

As I mentioned previously, I came out to my last family member this weekend...my daughter, her fiancé and my two grandchildren(ages 8 & 10).  They accepted me completely and even wanted to see me as myself and it all went very smoothly.

However, when my wife and I got on the road that evening, my 'soon to be' son-in-law, decided to 'come out' to my daughter and her children.  Apparently, he is transgendered too.  From what was texted...he told my daughter that he was inspired by my Life Changes email that I wrote and my three page "Introduction to Susan" which I had printed off and read to them.  I feel so bad for my daughter and grandchildren.  They lost two male figures in their life.  It was totally unexpected and even though I'm not directly responsible for his 'coming out' or his timing on his disclosure, part of me feels indirectly responsible for the pain my daughter and her kids are feeling right now. 

Also, I'm now a little concerned about how this will affect the acceptance of my other family members regarding my recent transition disclosure.  I wish my 'maybe soon to be' son-in-law would have waited until his fiancé and the grandchildren had time to process my information. Maybe that is being selfish on my part but it doesn't seem right to drop 2 bombshells all at once.

Susan R🌷

[Denise]

Susan, I agree with you. I hope it all works out.

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

[KathyLauren]

Susan, the timing of your future son-in-law's coming out is certainly unfortunate.  But it is something that was totally out of your hands.  I think you did an excellent job of coming out to your family. 

I feel for your daughter and grandchildren: they have had a double shock.

[Susan R]

Thank you, Denise and KathyLauren for your comments.  It is going to be much harder now going forward.  My other 2 daughters have now gone silent.  I'm not sure if it's pure shock at the overall situation or just worrying about saying the wrong thing to my wife and I.  Either way, the silence in our camp is deafening.  I hope things get better soon.

Susan R🌷

[HappyMoni]

Susan,
   I would suggest not panicking. Give them time to do some processing. It is a lot. Your daughter with the fiance who came out has a LOT to process. I'm sorry this is so hard. Silence on their part isn't necessarily bad. Patience is what you need. You want to guide them, I know, but try to let them think a bit.
Moni

[Susan R]

Susan,
   I would suggest not panicking. Give them time to do some processing. It is a lot. Your daughter with the fiance who came out has a LOT to process. I'm sorry this is so hard. Silence on their part isn't necessarily bad. Patience is what you need. You want to guide them, I know, but try to let them think a bit.
Moni

I agree Moni, my daughter has much to process and she even said so herself in one her her last texts.  She said she needs time and can't share much with anyone right now.  I'm just going to give her as much slack as possible.  I'll be right there for her when she needs me.  Right now, it's a whirlwind for her and she is trying her best to keep things together and seemingly normal for her children.  Thank you for the advice.  I think waiting is all I can do anyways.  I don't have enough information to make the next move even if it wanted.

Susan R🌷

[Susan R]

Coming Out Update...

So my entire faimily knows about my transition now except for 4 of my 7 grandchildren.  Two of my daughters wanted to tell their 2 children themselves.

Last night, my wife had a long text conversation with the first daughter we told. The parent were very affirming and accepting.  They wanted to wait until the others knew about me before they shared it with their children so not to have it all come out before I had a chance to do it in person.

The ordered some books to help them explain my transition.  The Trans books for kids came in yesterday and they sat down with their children last night and read the books and then proceeded in sharing my news with my grandson who is age 9 and my granddaughter age 12.  The both took it really hard.  Apparently, my grandson cried and said he didn't want to lose Papa.  I feel so bad right now.  My granddaughter was trying to makes sense of it all and misses Papa too.
When I see visit them as Susan for the first time later this month, I will try to assure them that I am the same person inside.  My other grandchildren had no issues at all with my transition when I explained it myself in their terms.  I wonder if it's harder if I'm not there to deliver the news.  I need to get them to see that I will continue to love them as I always have.

Susan R🌷

[CynthiaAnn]

Aww that's tender Susan, it takes time, I can understand the little one's feeling a sense of loss. I hope your in person visits are productive, provide continuity and reassurances you are the same person on the inside.

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Allie Jayne]

The ordered some books to help them explain my transition.  The Trans books for kids came in yesterday and they sat down with their children last night and read the books and then proceeded in sharing my news with my grandson who is age 9 and my granddaughter age 12.  The both took it really hard.  Apparently, my grandson cried and said he didn't want to lose Papa.  I feel so bad right now.  My granddaughter was trying to makes sense of it all and misses Papa too.
When I see visit them as Susan for the first time later this month, I will try to assure them that I am the same person inside.  My other grandchildren had no issues at all with my transition when I explained it myself in their terms.  I wonder if it's harder if I'm not there to deliver the news.  I need to get them to see that I will continue to love them as I always have.

Susan R🌷

Step by gentle step, you are getting there. I am watching with interest as this is a path I must follow some day. Perhaps build bridges between you former and current self by bringing up memories you and your grandkids share, or engage in activities and games they would already relate to you. Children are usually readily accepting of change which is well presented. You may end up feeling a bit miffed when they tell you they like the new you better!

Allie

[Susan R]

Aww that's tender Susan, it takes time, I can understand the little one's feeling a sense of loss. I hope your in person visits are productive, provide continuity and reassurances you are the same person on the inside.

Thank you Cynthia.  After the first set of grandkids accepting so easily, I really didn't expect a sad reaction from the second set of grandkids but I think my presence would have made it a little easier.  My daughters texts sort of caught me off guard.

Step by gentle step, you are getting there....Perhaps build bridges between you former and current self by bringing up memories you and your grandkids share, or engage in activities and games they would already relate to you. Children are usually readily accepting of change which is well presented.

This is a really good idea, Allie.  Last month on their Spring break, when my wife & I were with them house/baby sitting for 5 days.  We did a lot of daily walks together with them.  That might be a great beginning step.  It was a fun memory for us and the grandkids.

You may end up feeling a bit miffed when they tell you they like the new you better!

You're not kidding. It's bad enough my wife tells me this periodically.  But in all seriousness, I'm glad she does because Susan is the real me.

Susan R🌷

[Susan R]

Update:

Well I have reached a milestone today!  I am officially out to everyone I know and to the world at large.  I had one person left to share my news with before I was able to go "full time" and that happened early this morning.

I came out to siblings first and then my daughters individually and the grandchildren, then my cousins, nieces and nephews, then my friends and then my neighbors.  So Thursday evening, I decided I wanted to get this "coming out" stuff done for good.  All my neighbors were home so I started with one and asked each if they had 10-15 mins.  I guess that was the day because each of them accepted me as myself with no issues.  I was hoping for a good result and I got it.  Some of them shared their secrets too which I did not expect at all.  It immediately changed the relationship to a more friendly comforting one after my talk.

There was only the one conservative Christian lady friend that we saved for last.  My wife and I had procrastinated so long mainly because we already knew she would reject us.  We had a good friendship with her that has lasted years.  We knew that the relationship would end immediately so it was easy to postpone.  Today, we decided we were going to bite the bullet.  We told her and she did not respond well and we didn't really know what to expect from her from that point forward.  She came back over this afternoon and had a complete change of heart.  She said she loved me and did not want to lose the great friendship we had built over the years.  My wife and I were blown away.  I felt like crying it was so heart warming.  She really cherished our relationship that much.  I sort of felt bad for writing her off.

I can now be myself "full time".  No more going back and forth, male to female.  It gets old so fast it makes your head spin.  I feel so relieved to have this part of my transition completed.  My wife and I are ready for the next step...whatever that might be.

Susan R🌷

[HappyMoni]

Wow, fantastic Susan! I am so happy it went so well and now you are freeee! Yea! I have to say some folks surprised me on the upside as well. I only lost one relative. I know you feel great getting that monkey off your back. Hugs! Moni

[CynthiaAnn]

There was only the one conservative Christian lady friend that we saved for last.  My wife and I had procrastinated so long mainly because we already knew she would reject us.  We had a good friendship with her that has lasted years.  We knew that the relationship would end immediately so it was easy to postpone.  Today, we decided we were going to bite the bullet.  We told her and she did not respond well and we didn't really know what to expect from her from that point forward.  She came back over this afternoon and had a complete change of heart.  She said she loved me and did not want to lose the great friendship we had built over the years.  My wife and I were blown away.  I felt like crying it was so heart warming.  She really cherished our relationship that much. 

Very nice Susan  on your neighbor having a change of heart, this was pleasant to read this evening. You are now in ambassador territory, well done !

Congrats on full time, and life the way it should be...

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Allie Jayne]

Wow, congratulations Susan and thank you for sharing your experiences. I have learned a lot through you, and I am inspired. Well done and you deserve an ordinay life!!

Allie

[Lexxi]

Hi Susan,
I just wanted to let you know that your posts literally had me in tears. I'm thrilled that you have such a supportive family. It really shows that you raised them right! Congrats on your "coming out" conversations with them! Oh and good luck with your other daughters and their families too.

I just turned 50 a couple of months ago and have never admitted to another soul in this world what I'm about to tell you. But your courage has given me the courage to finally admit, somewhat publicly, to a secret that I've been keeping for 45 years. That secret is that I was born in the wrong body. I'm transgender. I've known since I was around the age of 5 that I was different from the other boys my age. In fact I never truly felt like I was a boy. I remember like it was yesterday the way the boys in my kindergarten class made fun of me for playing dolls with the girls instead of playing with traditional boy toys. It was horrible to say the least. No one should ever be made to feel the way I felt.

Like most children facing intense criticism I bowed to public pressure and started acting like a "normal" boy, but I was never happy about it. Apparently I guess I was a good actor though, because no one ever called me out on it again. As I got older I realized that there was nothing I would ever be able to do to change my situation, so I made the best out of life that I could. That included never telling a living soul my secret. I tamped down my natural inclinations, the real me so to speak, as best as I could and continued to be someone else. I eventually married and had a child (now a 15 year old girl).

I'm now divorced and live alone so I'm free to be the real me when I'm within the confines of my apartment...and no one suspects a thing. I spend nearly every second of my free time dreaming of becoming the real me, but I don't think it will ever happen. I could never, ever, possibly pass for a woman. I'm 6'4" and weigh 275 pounds and look really masculine. I have a very deep voice that I would never be able to hide. I've spent hours practicing a female voice utilizing various voice coach's videos online. Occasionally I'll think I finally got the voice right...then my world crashes down and I get very disappointed when I listen to recordings of it and I sound almost like my normal self.

It's really disheartening to know that the times have finally changed so much that a person like me could finally be socially accepted, but then realize that I could never physically attain my goals no matter how hard I tried. But I've started making little changes that make me feel better. Like you I've started growing my hair longer, I also added in shaving my legs and trying to learn how to wear proper makeup. I too lived most of my life with a buzz cut, so people have been asking questions. I just play it off like I want to try something new.

Also like you I really do think my family would be supportive of me making the change. Especially my mom and my daughter. Even though my daughter would be happy for me, I fear what would happen to her at school if the information ever got out though. My mom might be shocked at first, but then she'd go all in for it. She's the very first person I ever knew who fought for LBGTQ people in my very conservative state. When my nephew, her grandson, came out as gay, she couldn't have been prouder.

I thought it would be scary admitting my secret to someone...but it actually felt good. I guess it just feels good to be able to share with someone. Thank you for giving me that courage! Until the day arrives that I could ever possibly afford HRT, Facial Feminization Surgery, and SRS, I'll have to be content to live vicariously through people such as yourself. Your story made me so happy for you, happy enough to bring me to tears. Also happy enough to finally tell someone about the real me. Just know that you inspire me!!

Lexxi

[Lexxi]

I'm so glad things went well with your other family members and your neighbors too. When I wrote my letter to you, I somehow skipped over your update letter. Sorry about that. I guess I just got ahead of myself. Good luck with your next step...whatever that might be.

[Vethrvolnir]

Wow.... I'm impressed with the amount of words and effort you put in to coming out... i admire that.
I used gradually dressing more male. And yesterday I came out by being self absorbed and happily blurting out that i was excited that someone had shouted an insult at me for being a gay man. And my daughter said angrily "you want to be a man." I said I want to be in the middle. To soften the impact. So i think i'll gradually shift visually almost imperceptibly from now and stay in the  comfort zone.  Or on the edge of  the comfort zone.  Until it becomes the new normal. Until i forget and make a jump suddenly again by mistake. It's the things i say or do. I wear men's clothes. Nobody notices. Or i get compliments for my new haircut. Almost nothing will convince people unless it's a male voice or a beard. But for mtf it's more visible. Because female clothing can be so extreme. I think when I go on T I will not be able to keep it under the  radar. But as far as I can tell my kids do not care about my gender very much.

Somehow it seems that it is easy to accept for anyone but my husband . He prefers me in the middle . Not on the male side of the spectrum physically, that is, as in muscle is fine and as long as i shave my face that is ok. Hairy legs and armpits are no problem. Male scents and clothes are fine. A packer is fine with him. Binding is no problem but i have so little  that  when i bind it does not really make much of a difference anyway.

From the advice I had from ftm whose partner stayed with them it's key to go slow and to have others in a similar situation to talk to. So i provided him with contact information and people he could talk to. And i ask him wheter he is ok with some changes like wheter he is  ok with informing certain people.  Mostly however information gets exchanged in the subtext of communication. I hardly ever 'tell' anyone. Except my parents and brother. I texted them.  We live hours away. And texting felt right.

[V M]

Hi LexxiMTF 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

How about stopping by our Introductions Forum and introducing yourself so more folks can get to know you a bit better 

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hugs

V M

[Lexxi]

Thank you so much VM!! I'll go there and introduce myself shortly. I'm actually glad that you responded. I've been pulling my hair out trying to figure out how I can add an avatar and personalize my account. I sure hope that one of those links teaches me how to do it.

Thank you for the warm welcome. From what I've seen and read so far I believe I've found the right place to be myself. Like I said in reply to Susan's post this is all very new to me, and I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. At least no one I can talk to in person that is.

Looking forward to opening up here with you kind folks.

xoxo

Lexxi

[Susan R]

I spend nearly every second of my free time dreaming of becoming the real me, but I don't think it will ever happen. I could never, ever, possibly pass for a woman. I'm 6'4" and weigh 275 pounds and look really masculine. I have a very deep voice that I would never be able to hide. I've spent hours practicing a female voice utilizing various voice coach's videos online. Occasionally I'll think I finally got the voice right...then my world crashes down and I get very disappointed when I listen to recordings of it and I sound almost like my normal self.

It's really disheartening to know that the times have finally changed so much that a person like me could finally be socially accepted, but then realize that I could never physically attain my goals no matter how hard I tried. But I've started making little changes that make me feel better. Like you I've started growing my hair longer, I also added in shaving my legs and trying to learn how to wear proper makeup. I too lived most of my life with a buzz cut, so people have been asking questions. I just play it off like I want to try something new.

Don't give up hope on your dream of being who you are.  I find more peace in the fact that I'm moving closer to becoming a woman than the "finally getting there" part of the journey.  Becoming a woman is so much more than outward appearances.  It's the steps backwards that are the most painful long term.  Look at your immediate goals and do your best to get where you want to be one day at a time.  Very few women are 100% happy about how they present..whether it be a bad hair day, crappy makeup day, or nothing to wear, etc....  You can go at your own pace and periodically look back and see how far you've come.  I don't notice much change day to day but when I look where I am today it's seemingly unbelievable.

Also like you I really do think my family would be supportive of me making the change. Especially my mom and my daughter. Even though my daughter would be happy for me, I fear what would happen to her at school if the information ever got out though. My mom might be shocked at first, but then she'd go all in for it. She's the very first person I ever knew who fought for LBGTQ people in my very conservative state. When my nephew, her grandson, came out as gay, she couldn't have been prouder.

I really like your mom.  I wish mine had been so supportive.

I thought it would be scary admitting my secret to someone...but it actually felt good. I guess it just feels good to be able to share with someone. Thank you for giving me that courage! Until the day arrives that I could ever possibly afford HRT, Facial Feminization Surgery, and SRS, I'll have to be content to live vicariously through people such as yourself. Your story made me so happy for you, happy enough to bring me to tears. Also happy enough to finally tell someone about the real me. Just know that you inspire me!!

Thank you for your kindness, Lexxi.

Wow.... I'm impressed with the amount of words and effort you put in to coming out... i admire that.
I used gradually dressing more male.

Thank you, Vethrvolnir.  I do try to be as clear and concise as I can be.  It's therapeutic in a way and I enjoy sharing my stories..

I was thinking about gradually coming out to everyone but I just wanted it to be done.  Even doing it like that it spanned a month at least.  I asked the parents of my grandchildren if they wanted me to go slow and gradual into and eventual full Susan mode.  Of my three daughters, my youngest aughter already let me dress as myself on the same day as I came out to my grandkids.  It went very well. The middle daughter is coming over on May 26th to meet me as Susan. I'm still waiting for them to tell me if they want me to gradually introduce Susan all at once or over a few weeks.  They have already been informed of my transition and took it hard.  My oldest daughter was planning on introducing me to her sons on Memorial Day (May 27th) but her new "conservative" hubby have sort of put a damper on that.  He's reluctant to let them get to know me.  He himself is reluctant to meet me as Susan too.  He's a true killjoy.

Somehow it seems that it is easy to accept for anyone but my husband . He prefers me in the middle . Not on the male side of the spectrum physically, that is, as in muscle is fine and as long as i shave my face that is ok. Hairy legs and armpits are no problem. Male scents and clothes are fine. A packer is fine with him. Binding is no problem but i have so little  that  when i bind it does not really make much of a difference anyway.

When I came out to my wife, I gave her full control of when I presented and how far I could go.  If she wasn't game, it didn't happen.  Eventually, she relaxed more and more of the restrictions and after several months, there were no restrictions.  She is very comfortable with me completely feminine doing anything as Susan wherever I want.  It has gone very well.

Mostly however information gets exchanged in the subtext of communication. I hardly ever 'tell' anyone. Except my parents and brother. I texted them.  We live hours away. And texting felt right.

I had to email a few people that lived across the country.  I included a PDF of my life story too.  It worked well even though it wasn't as personal as I preferred.  They eventually emailed, texted, or called me to reply.  Everyone does it differently but the two main things that seem to dictate which method of disclosure is best are...how close you are to them and how far away they are.  Another factor is how soon you need to tell them.  I drove for 3 hours one way to tell my youngest daughter because I had to tell her first (for various reasons).  Otherwise, I would've had to wait another month to come out as she was going to be busy after that window of time.

Susan R🌷