One New Life to Live

[LauraE]

April 17, 2021

Interclub Tryouts
Just a week ago, i was blessed with a partner for our club's Ladies Interclub tryouts. Now, while she's still largely a beginner, she's working hard to improve, taking lessons both from her husband and from a tennis pro. She's 30 years younger than me and has so much energy and enthusiasm that i know we're going to have fun playing together. In our first week as partners, we've had five practice matches which have been an important way for us to learn how to play as a team. Our first challenge match is about a week off, so we're making the best of our off weeks. Tryouts last for two months and while the competition may be tough, we'll do our best. At the very least, i've made a new friend and other women will see that i'm more than able to be part of the final team. I'll keep you posted about our progress.

Women's Tennis Social
When I decided that I needed to be proactive about my own happiness, not only did I put my name on our club's Interclub sign-up sheet, but I also researched our team and the league they play in. It was then I found all the clubs that compete with our team, including a club located about 30 minutes away. This club operates at a large public complex so yearly dues are a fraction of what I pay at our club. This club also has a separate women's division that operates their interclub team and puts on monthly women's tennis socials. For $5, you get 2.5 hours of fun tennis competition with other women followed by lunch.

Friday, before my FFS appointment, i participated in the April social and my assigned partner, someone I've never played with before, did quite well against the Interclub "A" members we played against.

What was special to me was that the leader introduced all the players who were new to the club, after which many women came up to me to introduce themselves. Everyone was so incredible friendly and accepting, so I'll be attending all the future monthly get togethers. it's a great way to make new friends.

Now, while I'm certain I'm not passable, no one ever looked at me strangely, nor treated me any differently than the other Ciswomen. I felt at home and part of the group.

After we finished playing the five, short sets, one of the players called me over to her bench because she wanted to talk. Her first words were, "You're transgender, right?" OK, that was different, but i kept an open mind because she was searching for something. She explained that one of her nephews (an FTM) recently came out and while his parents are very accepting and proactive, this person was still getting used to the idea. she loves her nephew and wants the best for him, but since this was her first trans experience, she wanted the opinion of another transperson.

She does "get it" and i wasn't bothered that someone was asking for information and advice. I spent some time talking about "being trans", and the importance of our names and pronouns, answering her questions as they came. I'm at the point in my transition that i'm not bothered talking about my transition and some of the challenges we all face. It's one of the reasons i wrote the April 1 post to Laura's FB page to help my old friends understand a bit about our journey.

As we concluded, i knew she felt more informed about her nephew's needs and challenges and she's determined to accept him fully.

oh, how I wish people couldn't tell i'm trans. I'm at peace, though, and live as positively as possible. I am Laura and i'm proud to be full time.

Laura May

[LauraE]

April 27, 2021

Tennis Update 
Just over two weeks ago, a stranger asked to be my partner for the Interclub League tryouts. Of the 17 teams on the try-out list, we were ranked 17th, meaning we'd need to win both our challenge matches to make the 21/22 team, which begins playing matches in September.

Because we'd never played together before, we organized six practice matches the past two weeks, so we could get used to playing together and i could learn her strengths and weaknesses. It turned out that despite playing only six months, she's improving quickly, learning from both her husband and through private lessons.

Today, we had our first challenge match, which we won, 6-4, 6-0, which means that in two weeks, our second challenge will determine whether we make the team. Now, she's 31 years younger than me, but she exudes positive energy and moves well around the court. She more than did her part today during out win.
So, we move forward, but more importantly, I've made a new friend, one who accepts me completely.

Laura May

[LauraE]

May 16, 2021

I've not posted recently, hoping not to be over confident or too hopeful about making the Women's Interleague tennis team. After our fate is sealed this Tuesday, i'll share that story. Today, though, i have two wonderfully positive stories for you.

yes, this is another LONG post. LOL. I can't help myself.

As i shared before, i met my tennis partner just five weeks ago, her never having met <deadname>. Despite this, she was warm, accepting, and supportive from Day One. Because i can be wound tight on the courts (oh, and in life too), her calmness  and positive nature made her a perfect partner. While she's still learning and improving, i felt myself wanting to work harder so we could increase our chances to make the team. More on that later in the story.

A Supportive Surprise
As we began to practice constantly, people noticed us, and some in a not positive way. (Something about me being trans.) I expected this, but since my primary goal has been to make a few female friends and play often, i've done my best to ignore them.

However, several other players, including my partner, have noticed the backlash too, which is coming from who i'll refer as the "mean girls." Now, the mean girls don't really need a reason to hate you. They're fairly equal opportunity snobs, so as long as they're not in my face, having friends on the team makes it easier to ignore them.

Besides my partner, another player, much higher on the try-out ladder than we are, stopped me last week and asked me to be a fourth in a group she had assembled for last Friday. The mixed-doubles group included two, strong male players, so while i knew this would be good practice, i also worried about being equally competitive. This turned out to be not a problem. I had fun and did my part.
However, during one period between sets, i thanked my new friend for inviting me to play. She told me she'd become aware of the backlash about me and had created this opportunity to show others that i have friends (and good players) who totally accepted me and wanted to play with me.

During a week where i was feeling alone and fearful, this pulled me completely away from the rabbit hole i'd been trying not to slip down. i feel touched that someone would reach out to be supportive.

<coda> This began a nearly year long period where the hate directed towards me often sent me down the rabbit hole. Some posts after this, particularly from September until March, are dark.

Birthday Party Surprise
My partner's birthday was Saturday, May 15th, and while she's a full 30 years younger, i feel very close to her, which  amazes me since we've only known each other five weeks.
On Thursday, she invited me to a birthday party at her house, where only her best friends were coming. (knowing that i was one of them still brings tears to my eyes.) I purchased a nice gift but, more importantly, because she (and her friends) are Filipino, i took out my recipe for Filipino Macaroni Salad and made it two days in advance (so the flavors can merge). I usually make the salad a few times every summer, and, to my pleasant surprise, everyone loved it.

The only people i knew at her party were her, her husband and her daughter. The others, her close, long-time friends, were so accepting from the start. This could have been any get together of friends who share a meal, drink a bit of wine (or more than a bit), and talk stories. That i could be part of such a group of women has been one of my dreams since the day i came out to myself, five years ago. I was riding an emotionally high wave, one that lasted until nearly 1am.
Now, my friend and her husband have a nice, large house on the other side of town and recently installed a pool and spa. My friend had urged me to bring a swimsuit, but me being me, i was shy about wearing it, or being in the water with my partial wig.

It didn't matter. A few hours into the party, my partner announced that we (the women) were going to get in the spa. They all stripped to their bathing suits and while i said i'd just sit on the edge of the spa, they would not have it. They literally dragged me into the water. Now, i had dressed well for the party, wearing black shorts and a blue top. Along with my jewelry, i looked and felt pretty good. There i was, sitting in the spa, my shorts wet and my shirt wet up to my boobs. oh, this wasn't enough. They all urged me to take off my top so that i'd just be in my bra. Not only would they not take no for an answer, they grabbed my shirt and pulled it off me

Now i was sitting among women as one of them and for the next several hours, we talked and shared; drank and laughed, all while they showed that i was an equal among women. I wasn't <deadname>. I was Laura with her women friends. i have many pictures from Saturday, but the smile i have on all of them shows how much i appreciated being accepted. I felt sooo touched later when her husband told me that my partner loves me(as a great friend.) Even now as i write this, i feel so thankful and know this is the first of many.

Interleague
When luck knocks at your door, open it and be grateful that it came.
When no one else would partner with me for Interclub, you came forward and i gained both a talented partner and a new best friend. Starting as the last seed on the try-out ladder, we climbed up and today earned a spot on the team, winning 6-3, 4-6, and 6-0. Congratulations to my partner and friend, Yeng.
Today, Yeng and I won our challenge match, so now we're the 15th seed. We've made the team. At this point, i'm thinking about which "B" team i'd like to be a part of, the odds or the evens (since we're staggering teams.) While there are mean girls on both, as well as women who disprove of me on both, my main focus is to be on a team that has someone supportive. You and Dai are the two i'm trying to track before we decide to challenge next week.

Thank you all for your comments. My transition is far from complete, and while i toiled last summer to decide whether to stay or go, i'm glad i stayed. Not being passable, i would have been clocked here or there. What's different now, is that my goal to make new friends is being realized. I can begin to imagine what Danielle felt when she first became friends with her exercise mates, feeling like just another woman among them.

Yes, i know i have haters on the team, partly because i'm trans and partially because we've already eliminated some teammates friends from the team. It doesn't matter though. we played our way up the ladder, proving that we belong.

The "mean girls" will always be there, but if i can become close to a few other women, then all this work has been worthwhile.

Meanwhile, i'm buying a new swimsuit for the next time i'm invited into the spa. My new friend's best friends accept me as one of their own.

Onward

Laura

[LauraE]

May 19, 2021

The Backlash: Mean Girls and Haters
I was expecting this from the start, knowing for the past five years that my being on the team would create problems. I wasn't wrong.

Both my partner and one of my friends have shared that the hate has increased since our win yesterday, and some women are threatening to quit the team, complaining that i'm still a man. Apparently, the main problem this week is that i dared to use the women's bathroom yesterday, the first time i had done so at our club. oh, i've used women's bathrooms and i'm over the fear i used to have when entering them. However, after the second set, my glasses were dirty and i needed to wash them, so i walked into the bathroom, washed them, and returned to the court. This single act created stir among some of the haters.

My friend suggested (and apologized for saying it) that i use the bathroom on the other side of the club, that this would make the other women feel comfortable. I replied that separate is not equal, that i've spent too many years hiding in fear and that i've risked everything to go full-time.

i suspect the problematic women are the team we beat yesterday. When i got to the sink in the bathroom, they were talking and turned to exit. In addition, they were on last year's team and now that we've beaten them, they're eliminated from the team. This was the second time my partner and i kicked former players off the team by beating them.
So, i move forward cautiously, glad i have several friends on the team and thankful my partner is also a close friend i can trust

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

May 23, 2021

@Pammie: Us having an unfair advantage because we were born male is a false comparison....Both age and hormones have weakened me, but what is telling is that there are many cis-women on the team who are better players than i am.. I encourage you to pursue your dream and not feel guilty about feeling stronger. the USTA is fine with us playing on teams and in competitions.

Laura

[LauraE]

May 23, 2021

Letter to Leslie Stall, of 60 Minutes, Re her story about detransitioning

As a transwoman, i'm disappointed in your one-sided story about detransitioning. In a few minutes, you did more damage to us than all the Red States have the past few months.
What's next? A story about women who regret getting abortions?

Transitioning is difficult and we face numerous hurdles, both internal and external, including from government, family, friends, employers and health insurance companies.

While you mentioned there were many reasons that people detransition, including family, employment and financial problems, you focused just on one segment, those who decided they weren't trans. The remainder stopped because of external problems. How about a longer story that highlights the difficulties we have during transition?

Yes, some people transition too quickly. It's part of the "i have to get there quickly because i've wasted too much time" syndrome. It's true that this group feels incomplete when they reach their goal too quickly, not because they're not trans but because they didn't do the mental work.
Transition is like a second puberty. It's a thousand-mile journey with countless tasks and obstacles. Most of us take several years to work our way through the path before we feel our transition is complete. Part of that is the mental work to become our new selves. It's similar to the process cis-people experience during their puberties.

However, in an era where we face new obstacles from Red States, you put is all in one box. We're already picked on from all quarters and now you've given new ammunition to our enemies.

Laura

[LauraE]

May 25, 2021

Danielle, Rachel,and Creaky
Thank you for your thoughts and concerns. i, too, worry about me at times. This was just the largest skirmish of the war. The haters are still there but at least i know the team won't break apart. I'll still be dealing with them during the season.

What gives me strength is that i do have a few supporters and one incredible friend in my partner. We'll continue to do the hard work to prove ourselves and i know we'll make a few friends during the season.

Laura 

[LauraE]

May 31, 2021

Interclub Update
i've been trying to keep my head down lately, still processing the hate that was directed towards me during Interclub tryouts. The worst is over as some of the insurrectionists were unable to disassemble the team and pull members away to a new club. Rather than feel a sense of relief that the team we'd earned a place in wouldn't dissolve, i've been mired in in the fact that only one person publicly stood up for me while the war was being waged. The remainder remained silent and complicit.

Since we earned a place on the team, it's been near impossible to find anyone to play with us. Just for a match we were hoping to play Tuesday, i contacted at least 10 people, all of whom were busy (or said they were.) In place of the matches we were hoping to schedule with other team members, we've improvised by playing doubles against my single's partner and his wife, and Yeng's husband has stepped in, playing with us as well. While these practice matches were fun and productive, feeling ostracized doesn't do anything for my mental health.

Today, we played doubles against my single's partner and wife, a match that last 2.5 hours and gave us ample opportunities to practice. I know we'll continue these Monday matches since the Interclub women won't play with us.

However, as we were resting between sets, one of the other Interclub members, one who knew <deadname> but had never met Laura, came over to our court to introduce herself to Yeng and me, while welcoming us to the team. I thought that was touching.

That afternoon, my friend Dai, who was the only person to stand up for me during the Mean Girls war and who has communicated continually with me during the try-out period, wrote that she thought it was nice that X came over to welcome us....We texted for a while, and she ended with this text, "More people will have the courage to publicly welcome you."

It took me a few hours for that last statement to register, but rather than feel a sense of optimism, it actually reflected something terrible, that people would need courage to be nice to me.
Emotionally, the events of the past few weeks, rattled me to the core. That i was the subject of so much hate by many and complicity by the remainder was disconcerting at the least and depressing at the most. As i've shared, being trans is tough. It took me years to gather the courage to be Laura in public and while i didn't expect everything was going to be sunshine and lollipops, i knew that the Mean Girls would be a problem. 

I didn't anticipate the degree of the problem or the emotional impact it would have on me.  Yes, it was generous for X to come over to welcome us, but undoing the damage that's been done will take some time.

Laura

[LauraE]

June 2, 2021

Thank you commenters for reminding me that the glass is half full. Perhaps i was jaded with the acceptance i'd received since coming out to people since last October, while the sudden backlash against me hurt deeply.

I DO have so many things to be thankful for

I have a doubles partner who has become a close friend.
We made the interclub team
I'm full time, i love my legal name, and my neighbors have been incredibly accepting.
i've discovered that there's no such thing as too many clothes or shoes. LOL.
I love playing tennis as Laura and i can fly whenever the weather allows.
I have in Susan's both a support structure, a place to express my journey, and a sounding board.

Yes, i felt hurt by the events of the last several weeks, some of which was because i was transgender, but also because we removed several women from the team by beating them.
Rather than hold war trials to punish the criminals and those who remained silent, i need to keep an open heart and welcome these people back, giving them a chance to come over to the light.
As I've written before, by choosing to remain here, i've also chose to become a role model. For most, i'm the only transperson they've ever known and if we as a community are to continue to move forward, positive role models help lead the way.

Laura May

[LauraE]

June 15, 2021

Person One (whom in later posts I identified as Nora)
Person One, who became a best friend two years ago, has treated me recently as if we're not friends. While <deadname> would have walked away, Laura needs to understand what's going on first before she makes a decision about our friendship.

I've had few friends during my life. My first good friend was a fellow theatre arts major in college. While neither of us considered the other as dating material, our friendship developed through college and extended through the beginning of my career. That is, until my first wife demanded that i cease communicating with her. Oh, jealously.

After my first marriage ended, i easily found her through the Internet and we started chatting again. It was apparent something had gone wrong in her life, but we kept talking and catching up. that is, until i married again and lost contact. Now, she seems to have disappeared from Google. I had suspected she was bi-polar, since the clues were there both in college and 20 years ago, and now i think chances are high that she's passed.

During my first marriage, i did become good friends with a fellow teacher. He and his wife, also a teacher, were social with my wife and myself, often visiting each other or vacationing at their cabin in the mountains. that friendship disappeared when i left my wife.
For the next 20 years, until Person One, i had no friends. Laura is doing her best to be more open and friendly, and <deadname's> positive aspects have been enhanced through my transition. Still, besides Person One, my tennis partner is my only other friend. As time passes, and more tennis women see that i'm not evil, i'm hoping things will change.

However, despite hanging out with Person One every few weeks, i've felt something was wrong when we played tennis. It began with a feeling that she didn't respect me as a player and that she looked down on me, not only not wanting to partner with me, but bothered when she had to play against me. Not that she thought i was an able competitor, but that i was less than, not strong enough to challenge her skills.

Laura

[LauraE]

June 20, 2021

Role Model
I didn't sign up for this, to be a role model in my community and among my friends and acquaintances.
When i gathered the courage to go full time, seven months ago, i just wanted to live an authentic life, to enjoy being Laura, and to avoid conflict. Disappearing into a community is why many of us move after starting life 24/7, not wanting people to have the institutional memory of who you used to be. Staying always meant the risk that people wouldn't understand or agree with my decision.

As it turned out, I couldn't disappear. Not passing meant I'd always notice people turning their heads, always gossiping behind my back, and in my case, lobbying against me.

Transitioning is hard enough. Being somewhat slow and methodical, I've taken my time not to rush my transition. Not yet two years into transitioning (discounting three years of stopping and starting), I still have several years before my journey is complete. Just five months into electrolysis, I've at least 18 months more, if not longer. Breast Augmentation, while I've started the ball rolling, is at least a year away, given Kaiser's waiting list. While I've jumped through several hoops to begin GCS approval and the magic surgery date, this task is on hold until I can complete facial electrolysis.
So, i already have a lot on my plate and the emotional consequences of occasional dysphoria, dealing with gossip, and loneliness has its costs. Being a role model just adds to my work load.
And yet, i have no choice.

Those of us who transition now are standing on the shoulders of all those who were brave enough to come before us. We all benefit from the trail they've blazed for us. Yet, the trail is not fully paved, being littered with pot holes, detours, and restrictions. It turns out that the only way to improve the road is if we continue in their footsteps, being role models and educators for those who've never known a trans person. The more of us who are "out" help increase our approval, paving another mile of the trail for others behind us.

So, i try to keep my head high, to be the best Laura i can be, and to help my friends and acquaintances understand our need to transition. I teach a daily class called Transgender 101 and it's my job to help people pass the course.

I didn't sign up for this. It's just something I must do to survive.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

June 23, 2021

I've been thinking why i've been more distant on Susan's the past few months and the answers always point in the same direction. It's all been about the stress i feel about the hate i'm experiencing.
My tennis doubles partner and i made the Women's Interclub Team in May, starting a revolt among many women to leave the club to play elsewhere. While some of these women were those we'd beaten, and in turn removed them from the team, but several were players who are still on the team.

The 30 women on the team consist of 15 pairs, since we're playing doubles. These are broken into three group: One "A" team and two "B" teams who will begin playing teams from other clubs beginning in September. On my "B" team of 10 women, including my partner and myself, i know of three women who actively hate and gossip about me.

Yesterday, one of the women on our "B" team, who has been actively supportive since tryouts began, invited me to play with her at the club. It was the second time she'd done this in order to show other women that she accepts me. It was a wonderful morning of tennis, since she's in the B2 slot and my partner and i are in the B5 slot. (The strongest team is B1 and the weakest team is B5. However, all teams end up challenging teams during the season to move up the ladder, as my partner and i intend to do.)

What i learned yesterday was that this woman is also working actively to talk to the haters about accepting me. While part of me greatly appreciates her effort, the rest of me is horrified that she even HAS to do this, that like Blanch in Streetcar Named Desire said, "I depend on the kindness of strangers." Despite being a theatre arts major, i only want to blend in as Laura, not be in the spotlight because i'm trans.

This is the main source of my stress. oh, i could talk about the frustration of electrolysis taking so long or of the hoops i have to jump through to get BA, but those are procedural. In time, those things will happen, just like my FFS last year. I can control those. I can't control the hate. Nor can i feel comfortable that good people have to intervene on behalf just so i can survive.

Laura

[LauraE]

July 18,2021

Visiting Mom
Today, I visited my mother for the first time in two years, COVID having created this distance. However, it was <deadname> who showed up, not Laura.I simply don't trust my mother with my story, so off went my makeup, nail polish and earrings, and on went a binder and male clothes i'd saved for occasions like this. Laura didn't like presenting as male, but she had no choice. Why?

First, a little history and a story.

My mom and dad divorced when i was 10, they having three children. i have an older brother, who is 74, and a younger sister who is 65. Within a few months of their divorce, mom was pregnant and married my step-father, a union that unfortunately still endures. From the beginning, he was selfish, immature, and beligernat person as well as a womanizer. They had two children, so i have a step-sister (who was born first) and a step-brother). Both are perfect in their eyes and as a result will be the sole beneficiaries of her parent's inheritance. I don't really care because i figured that out in my 20s and saved diligently over the years. i'm doing just fine financially.

During ages 12-15, my sister and i suffered though open war between mom and my step-father, the police coming to our house more often than i remember, us hiding from the battles. 
Both step-siblings are incredibly selfish and my half-brother is as big of an A-hole as his father. Still, they can do no wrong. As a result, the first children know that we're not really part of the present family, me figuring that out in my 20s and my sister just coming to that conclusion recently. She'd married someone just like my step-father so when that marriage ended a few years ago, she walked away with few assets. Still, with mom being 93, she feels an obligation to take care of her, my step-father not really caring. He's gotten meaner as he's aged.  i am only out to my sister and she's been incredibly supportive.

So, today <deadname> made the two-hour journey to the house my sister and her son bought, a refuge for when mom dies. My step-father is so toxic that, for her own sanity, she and my mom regularly escape to that house to be away from him.
the one good thing about COVID is that it gave me time to start being Laura, without any noticeable looks or questions from mom or her children. I got to grow my hair out, get FFS, as well as start HRT and electrolysis. Still, having to be <deadname> for a day was not healthy.
Below is message i sent to my sister after i returned home from the trip.

Dear <sister>,
Thank you for lunch today and for the tour of your beautiful home. I look forward to landing at Placerville airport to take you on a tour. Thanks also for the boxes of the family pictures we received from dad's estate. Scanning and connecting these pictures to Ancestry is going to be time consuming, but also fun and informative. I only wish that grandma and grandpa shared these when they were alive.

On the way home from Placerville, i was thinking about today's conversations, about how mom was feeling sad and how she was thinking that I don't love her.
That's a good question but I can't say for certain that I do. I've faked it for 40+ years, playing nice when talking on the phone or when meeting in person. I've hid my real feelings for so long, preferring to keep the peace, rather than standing up for myself, much like you did with <your ex-husband> and are probably doing with mom yourself.

Every Sunday, I remind myself to call mom and then I have a debate whether I want to be upset afterwards. That's why I call so infrequently. There's just so much pent up anger or disappointment inside me. Frankly, while I'll come up again to visit you and her, and attempt to play nice, I can't say these feelings will ever be resolved before or after her death. She may say she's sorry, as she did today, but as Rachel Maddow says, "Watch what they do, not what they say" which is another way of saying that actions speak louder than words. Mom's actions have never equaled her words.The bus we get thrown under is proof of that.

What upset me so much today was a reminder of how judgmental she can be and why I could never be honest with her, distancing myself as much as possible to avoid being upset.

We were talking about all kinds of family things when the conversation turned to <my first wife> and eventually to our divorce. At that point, she looked right in my eyes and reminded me that she cut me off from the family when i left <my wife>. Instead of ignoring her comment, I decided to stand up for myself. For seven years after her action, I had no contact with my family: no calls, no cards, and no invitations. It wasn't until <my brother> invited me to his wedding that things began to thaw.
Still, what kind of parent does that? What kind of parent pretends a child doesn't exist? Sure, she had a right to be disappointed at me, but I've seen that look of disappointment she directed at me today. It took me back to feelings I don't like having, that I either have to be perfect or pretend to be.
It hurts that dad and mom cut me off from their lives. That's not love. That's a reminder that the <first family> kids don't matter. <my half sister> can marry a bookie and that's ok? <My first wife> can withhold information about dad's death for one month and that's ok? When <my son> cut me out of his life 11 years ago, i tried hard for 10 years to reach out to him, sending cards as well as notes and letters, reminding him I love him and hoping we could be together. I'll never see <my son> again, but I still love him. For mom, though, I was simply invisible.

So, I'm sorry that she's upset and worried that I don't love her. However, she doesn't have the right to remind me of her judgment and expect me to pretend to be nice. I did so in the past. I hid all my feelings in the past, not wanting a conflict. I know, too, that she can never know Laura. I've always known that because instead of loving me as I am, as a loving parent would, she'd be judgmental. I simply don't trust her to share with her.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

July 25, 2021

It's story time, with a happy ending.

You Gotta Have Friends
I've been cycling in and out of sadness, born of Loneliness, the past month or so, with me crying myself to sleep, hugging my pillow, fairly regularly.
I've had few friends during my life and never more than one at a time. <deadname> always found it hard to reach out, to share, or to accept invitations to lunch, events, or parties....Being an introvert sucks. When i became Laura, i promised myself to be different and to accept any and all invitations, because once you start saying "no", those invitations start to disappear. That Person One became a close friend was a start and i do my best o feed that friendship. My tennis partner became a second best friend a few months ago, to my complete surprise and delight, but the drama surrounding the Interleague team weighed heavily on me.

Why? One of my dreams when i came out to myself five years ago this month was to play tennis on our club's team in an effort to make new women friends. The drama surrounding players lobbying against me brought me down. There are basically three types of players on the team: those who don't like me because i'm trans and believe i don't belong, those who are friends with the Mean Girls and know that if they play with me will face kickback, and a those who don't care what the Mean Girls say or do. About half the team is in the first group and about 40% are in the second group. Only one other woman, besides my partner, regularly invites me to play, mostly in defiance of the Mean Girls.
So, i concluded that my dream of making new friends was dead. yes, my partner and i made the team and we're having fun together. She really is amazing, and while i now have two close friends (a new record, LOL), both are married with families so their time is limited for us to spend time together. And thus, more loneliness, with little chance to make new friends on the team.
Then, something happened to break the spell.

I picked up an extra electrolysis session Saturday, because who doesn't love two hours of torture, and my intention was to stay in the Bay Area to attend the SF Giant's game, to which i'd purchased a ticket. However, during the session, my partner texted me with an invitation to a pool party she had planned with her other best friends. <deadname> would have declined. Laura changed her plans, ditched the game, and attended with a few bottles of wine.

It was just my partner, her two best friends in this town, and me. I wore the new swim suit i'd purchased after the last party in May, in anticipation of a future invitation. They loved the suit and we spent six hours talking, drinking, eating, swimming, and laughing.
It reminded me that the right friends are a blessing, that kindness is often appreciated and returned, and that i don't have to be afraid to reveal what's inside.

Saturday reminded me to ignore the haters, to continue to say "yes' and to treat everyone as i would want to be treated.  It also reminded me that i should appreciate this blessing.


Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

July 26, 2021

Name Change Olympics
As i've written about before, i initiated my name and gender change last December, receiving the court order in late January. Then began the gauntlet of changing my name in every nook and cranny that could be found. However, in late July, i still don't have my updated pilot's license.
The process began on February 24th where i participated in a hour long Zoom meeting with the Fresno FAA office, providing them a variety of documents to prove my identity along with the court order. In return, they had me fill out several additional forms, sign and scan them, and return them during the call, all encrypted. Once completed, they submitted the application electronically to the FAA.

Or not.

Now, all airmen records are online at the FAA web site, so i can find out their processing times and access my license to see if it's updated

By May, after seeing that the FAA was processing licenses submitted in April, i wrote to the FAA. I then discovered that the Fresno office was mistaken that the paperwork could be completed online. The FAA wanted paper. So, after contacting Fresno again, he collected the documents and sent them to the main FAA office.

Or not.

Last week, i noticed that the FAA was working on applications dated late June and given that the Fresno office sent them on May 19th, i again wrote to the FAA, and found that that they've not received the May 19th communication. Really? Again?

So, i once again contacted Fresno and they resubmitted all my paper work again.
Or not....

Now, they also sent me the temporary license they'd created on February 24th. How nice, except that temporary certificates are only valid for 120 days, meaning that it expired last month.
another day in the FAA paradise.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

July 31, 2021

Just maybe you can cultivate some new friends with the gals that your tennis partner also invited to the pool party. 
Your friend's friends are a good source of prospective accepting friendships, don't let that opportunity go to waste.
You are correct about if you refuse invitations repeatedly that soon many of those invitations start to disappear. 
In fact, one thing that I have done
         (which could be construed as my Free Advice and Suggestion for you)
is to have many activities that i have been able to INVITE friends and acquaintances (that can become future friends) to my home for game nights, potluck food meals, outdoor grilling, meals out at a restaurant, hiking, picnics...  individually or as a small group.   I stay involved in my weekly gym gals group, book club, etc, etc.   
My personal credo that I try to live by is:
"If you want friends, be friendly, be the first to smile and to say hello ... and to even start a brief conversation."

One of my best friends here on the forums (@Jessica) who is no longer very active here has an excellent philosophy regarding making friends posted in her signature line on her profile.
    "If you go out looking for friends, you are going to find they are very scarce.  If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."

It Ain't That Easy
I've been contemplating @Danielle's advice and, of course, she is correct. Knowing and doing are two different things though.

I have and continue to be a shy introvert who has been lonely most of my life, even when married. As i wrote previously, I've never had more than one friend at a time, and until two years ago when Person One became a best friend, I'd gone decades with no friends.

Why? Mostly it's lack of self confidence. Trying to make friends or be a friend is like dating. You have to instigate the first contact and be willing to be rejected. While I accomplished much during my career, i never really cultivated any deep friendships among the many people with whom i collaborated. Sure, i could lead, create, write well, and collaborate and in those things i felt confident. Reaching out to see if someone could be a friend was much, much harder.

That i have two best friends at the same time IS progress, and while Laura is committed to saying "yes" to invitations, it's harder to risk rejection.
Danielle's advice is similar to an old saying, "If you want a friend, Be a friend", something i've always been aware of, yet unable to do. That lack of self-confidence is self-perpetuating, I know. And yet, i have to begin trying.

One of my tennis partner's friends, someone who came to last week's pool party, has begun learning to play tennis with her friend, but was feeling unconfident about her play. While we encouraged her to practice with us, she always declined. However, i know my tennis partner would love to see her friend on the courts and because i think this person could be a friend to me, i've initiated conversations with her about practicing, offering to bring my basket of balls to work with her. Today, i found a little success as she agreed to hit with me next week.
This making friends business is new to me, which is kind of sad at my age, but I don't want to be lonely the rest my life, either.

Going forward, i'll have to be more open to considering whether  some people have the potential to become more than just tennis friends. Knowing the currently make-up of our tennis team, and after the drama of try-outs, i doubt whether any could be friends. I have to remain open though, continue to say yes, and see what happens.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

August 11, 2021

I've not had a need for a long dialogue here lately. It's summer and i'm trying to stay busy, but in the end, the rabbit hole is never far away. Too many things are on my mind.

Lesson from a Cat
True story. When I was 25 and living in an apartment in the bad side of town during my first year of teaching, a stray cat taught me an important lesson.
No matter how much you desire it or how hard you try, no one has to be your friend. No one has to love you. They do or they don't. It's their choice.

Electrolysis
I knew going in to electrolysis that the process would take around 200 hours, or with my two-hour weekly appointments, about two years, but i've been feeling frustrated. Since early February, I've been driving out to the Bay Area each week for my appointment. Now that the appointments have changed to Tuesday morning at 7:45am, i leave the house at 5:30am to fight the daily commute traffic, which isn't terrible yet, but i expect to get much worse as school starts. Rainy weather this winter will quickly double my commute time.

I'm 51 hours into the process now and am becoming frustrated. After seven months, we are still on my upper lip and chin. oh, she finished the upper lip months ago, but now dormant hair has begun growing which will take several sessions to clear. The same is happening with my chin. Each month, i tell myself that my chin will be done in a few weeks, a goal line that never arrives. Now secondary growth is occurring on my chin, so instead of getting to work on my cheeks or neck, i'm at least a month from being finished with this part of my face. But then, i said that a month ago.
Yes, patience is key in all aspects of transition, from waiting for HRT to take effect, waiting for your FFS or from recovery from FFS. Transitioning is a thousand mile journey that can't be rushed. i've always subscribed to that. However, both the dysphoria of not shaving for three days each week plus the frustration of not getting further down the road, wears me down.

The Team
Our tennis team's season begins on Wednesday, September 8th, a day after my 70th birthday, which is electrolysis day. I anticipate I'll be alone that day. Team members continue to ask my partner to play with them, excluding me from their invitation. I'm resigned that my goal to make a few new friends is fruitless.

At least the uniforms they chose this year beautiful.

My partner's two best friends in this city are both nurses and one of them was taking tennis lessons until recently. Now, my partner would love for her friend to return to the game so that this would be something we could all share. To that end, i've been reaching out to her friend to practice and last week was our first session. I tossed balls to her for an hour and guided her to improve her forehand and backhand strokes, something she appreciated. I do wish she would want to hit more often, but i'm just trying to go at her speed and trying not to scare her away. she's a wonderful person and since she's my partner's best friend, i hope she'd want to be my friend too. time will tell. The cat is right.

The Rabbit Hole
I don't want to dwell on my loneliness, but it's what continues to pull me towards the hole. I want so desperately to make a few friends and while i do my best to reach out and to be friendly, the  cat was right. No one has to like you. i'm tired of crying though.

Family Pictures
While my father left his entire estate to my ex-wife, she didn't want four large boxes of family pictures, mostly taken by my grandparents. My sister received these through an intermediary, even though my ex- lives two blocks from my house. oh, she's not bitter. LOL.

Scanning all these, to make a digital archive for my siblings and their children, is a monumental, time-consuming process and while i'm only part way through the first box, I'm discovering parts of my grandparents' lives i'd not been aware of. My sister and i are utilizing our separate Ancestry trees to track down some information, but eventually, after completing this project, we'll want to reach out to distant cousins, who also have a family tree. Below is my favorite picture, so far, of my grandfather, Clay. Taken around 1918, when he was 17 or 18 and before he met my grandmother, you can see his whole life is before him.


BA
I've been jumping through the right hoops for BA and i have a video appointment with the surgeon's office Friday. I'll update that thread afterwards. i AM  glad that Susan's added the sub-category.

Onward

Laura

[LauraE]

August 13, 2021

To Play or Not to Play
That is the question I'm pondering recently.

One of the main reasons i wanted so badly to be part of our club's interleague tennis team was to make a few friends. If you've followed my thread, you know that most of the women believe i don't belong. Oh, none of this has been overt, so i've only learned of their transphobia from others. It's why i considered moving last year before deciding to ride my transition out here.

Yes, my tennis partner is a close friend, and for that i'm thankful.

However, i had hoped to enjoy being around other women. So much of my sadness the past few months is because of the rejection i've faced. Oh, everyone mostly smiles, but behind the scenes, there is more displeasure with my presence than i an ignore emotionally.

One of the regular events i had so looked forward to are their regular "Play Dates" where the team gets together for social play followed by lunch. These would have been wonderful opportunities to get to know others on the team and for them to see i'm not a bad person. Our first play date is scheduled for Friday, September 10th.

I'm divided about participating. A big part of me doesn't want to be around people who hate me so easily, even though it's never overt. Just knowing they do hurts. A small part me wants to play, partially to show them that i'm a good person and partially as a definant act, almost saying, "You can hate me, but you can't make me go away."
Part of me just wants to go away though. I want to play, I need to be around people, and I don't want to be lonely.

So, i've been divided about the question, "To Play, or Not to Play."
I'd appreciate your advice.

Laura

[LauraE]

January 22, 2023

The Great Crash of '24
I feel lucky. While so many at Susan's lost all their posts from the past four and a half years, I was fortunate that I've always drafted my entries before posting. Until a year ago, all those entries were written in Evernote. I've since moved my blog over to Google Docs, which is why I'm able to rebuild it on Susan's.

Last week, I ventured over to Evernote to see if some of my important threads were still available, and yes they were. That's why My FFS Journey is back on Susans' and soon my Breast Augmentation posts return. Today, I found the last important thread, Should I Stay or Should I Go, I'll be posting that first.

Laura

[LauraE]

August 15, 2021

Therapy
First, i want to thank all of you for reading my journal/blog and responding with your support and advice. Writing is how i process my thoughts so even if Susan's didn't exist, i'd still be journaling my trials, tribulations, and successes off line. Susan's is a bit like online therapy for me, since i don't have anyone to share these things IRL. Oh, i do have a best/close friend and i've shared much with her. However, she's busy with her life and family so i save sharing for times we have alone.

Recently, i've wondered if i need therapy IRL. After my last marriage crashed and burned six years ago, i sought out therapy for a year to deal with my feelings and find closure. It was the best decision i've made, partially because i needed closure and partially because the box that contained Laura finally unlocked to free her. I try not to make rash decisios so while i'm running this possibility through my head, i'm unsure whether it would help with my particular problems.

Some thoughts about your thoughts.
Thank you for your virtual hug, @Danielle. I do wish, at times, for the closeness that a real hug brings, so yours helped a bit.

... Where you play is up to you.  You can't force people to accept you.  All you can do is be good to them.  If they want to be mean, or reject you...that is for them to decide. 
Life is too short to waste trying to please people who refuse to be pleased.  If you are at least hopeful that there is a place for you there, I say stay.  But, if you have lost hope, it is probably better for you to go.

I do agree with you, @Rachel Montgomery. Even before i went FT last November, i had considered moving far away to start Laura's life fresh, free of the bonds and history associated with <deadname>. I received so much great advice on my Stay or Go thread, but in the end, i thought staying was worth the risk. I'm not yet convinced this was the best decision, but i need to let this one play out.
Yes, many/most on the team believe i shouldn't exist, not be a part of the team. it's really got nothing to do with my skill level, since my partner and i are on the bottom of the ladder. It's more to do with them not seeing me as a person, but more of a less than. At this point, i know i'll never make friends of these people.

It might serve your de sire to play and be accepted if you throttle back your power, which estrogen and time are already, slowly doing.

I wish it was that easy, @OldAndCreaky. There are 30 women on the team, or 15 pairs. Our team consists of two division: one "A" team, of five parings, and two "B" teams. My partner and i are B5, or on the bottom of one of the B teams. Many/most of the players are better than i am, and while i do have some strength, the "A" players are certainly better players as are the B1 and B2 pairings. I won't really know for a few months how my partner and i stack up, since the season only begins on September 8th. If we do well, we'll consider challenging those parings above us so we can move up the ladder.

From one tennis player to another, play.
Tennis is obviously one of your greatest joys so don't give this up. I know it's hard to be brave time after time but that's what we have to do sometimes to get what we want. Keep showing up and show your joy in every point. Don't let the party poopers spoil your mood.

Thank you, @SarahC. This is the path i've chosen, and while <deadname> would have chosen to hide in the house, Laura's dream is to be on the team. Whether it will continue to be my nightmare has yet to be determined. i'm not going to let them chase me away, for now.
Oh, and our Interleague team is not USTA, although it is competitive.

I too am an average player, @Pammie, although i continue to take lessons to be more consistent. I do want to help my partner to deliver wins for our team. I've actually felt more acceptance in tournaments away from our club. it's the Mean Girls that concern me, since i'll be around them all year.

Onward,

Laura