One New Life to Live

[LauraE]

August 15, 2021

CODA
It's almost funny that i spent four years being terrified that i'd never pass and never blend in. Now, nine months after going FT, i'm certain that's the case. Every day I'm out in the public, i get clocked and I get stares. Just today, i was at Walgreens getting a new passport photo taken. A man and his son were on one of the computers ordering copies of pictures. During the time i was there, he kept turning to stare at me, something that previously would have made me run. It's funny that getting clocked was the least of my worries.

While paying for my photo, the clerk pulled up my account and my <deadname> appeared, embarrassing me. I asked if i could change my name in their system and the clerk took my driver's license and did the update. While typing, she asked why i changed my name. I responded, "....because that's who i am now." This was a bit of a teachable moment where Laura gets to be ambassador for our community. I do wish i had that opportunity with members of our team.

Time will tell.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

August 26, 2021

Escaping the Event Horizon
or
The Intersection of My Going Full-Time and the Rabbit Hole
Laura, you think, why are you titling all your posts? Well, if you've been paying attention, I title most of my writings. These are, for me, little essays I write offline about what's in my head, and when I'm ready, I post them here. These aren't assignments for a class, nor chapters in a forth coming book. No. Not being a Jenner, nor a Kardashian, the Cis-world has little interest in the trials and tribulations of our lives and transitions. That's why Susan's is so important. Susan funds this out of her house, and I hear the servers are in her basement, so thank the Internet Gods each time you arrive here.

If you've not donated to Susan's in the past year, or at all, it's time to pony up for this great forum that we all need. Here's the link to Donate .
Now, for today's essay.

Black Holes are powerful places where so much mass is crammed into so little space, that gravity is an overpowering bully.  The 'event horizon' is the boundary defining the region of space around a black hole from which nothing (not even light) can escape.  On one side,  things can exist, rotating around this mass as planets do around our sun. However, once objects pass through the event horizon, they're unable to escape.

Since I went full-time nine months ago, i've written several times about my trying not to fall down the rabbit hole, or in this example, being pulled past the event horizon.  Much of this summer I've struggled with the power that sadness can have on us. Now that I'm on the other side, it's time to reflect on the events that dragged me towards the Event Horizon, why its gravity was so powerful, and how i escaped.

I've chronicled quite a bit the past seven months about a sadness i've felt at times. Besides playing tennis, which keeps me going, I've been constantly behind on housework, yardwork, and my rental work. It was much easier to sit on the couch procrastinating, watching Korean romantic comedies on Netflix (yes, that's a thing. A sixteen episode series can consume lots of couch time.) I found it hard to motivate myself and loneliness prevailed.

As I've shared before, two main threads led to gravity's pull: the first is the hate I've felt from the majority of women on my tennis team. It's never been overt, but it's there none the less.  The second source, I'm now able to see, was my grieving over losing several friends who supported my transition, friends who i first came out to, people, who i'd played with regularly for years, and who were a source of joy each Friday and Saturday.  Person One is part of that group. The gravity pull towards the Event Horizon from losing these special friends from my life kept me grieving all summer.  As i wrote in Laura's FB page the day i introduced her to my old friends,, "LOSING FAMILY AND FRIENDS IS PART OF THE PRICE OF ADMISSION. Some reject you outright and others act supportive and then just fade away. I didn't expect everyone to come." These friends just faded away.

Having finished the grieving process and moved on to acceptance, I'm thankful for those whose gravity pulled me away; my tennis partner, ever positive and loyal, my local version of Danielle. I find her other best friends to be fairly special too, and I'm working to help one of them re-enter tennis playing by hitting with her; My tennis coach, who was someone who supported me even before he met me. Last spring, My partner  and several of the mean girls from the team were taking lessons from him and he was booked solidly. After the mean girls continued to complain about me and attempted their coup, he put them in their place and cut them from his coaching. All this before he even met me. That's character.
He's been my coach for several months now and besides being a great teacher, he's also an amazing supporter who worked to clear my head of the self-doubt that brings down my tennis game, as well as my self-confidence. He reminds me that I'm a strong player and a good person, someone who plays well as long as i stay positive. In that aspect, he's Danielle with a tennis racket.
I feel blessed to be around both of these people and with the tennis league starting in two weeks, I'm finally in a place where I'm happy and ready . Grieving done. Acceptance is here. Chores are slowly catching up, but there's forward progress. In the end, more Danielles in my life has been a powerful source of gravity, pulling me away from the event horizon.

My first mammogram is this Sunday and i have an in-office visit with a plastic surgeon to plan my BA on the 8th. More on both of those in future posts.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

September 7, 2021

Having returned from the Bay Area after two hours of needles and pain, aka electrolysis, i've showered, watched a bit of US Open tennis, and am now filling you in on my week.

First, thank you @Danielle, @Davina61, and @Rachel Montgomery for the birthday wishes as well as your constant encouragement. I've not written lately because there wasn't much to report. This week, though, provides a host of topics to share: Our first Ladies Interclub match, my in-person visit with the Boob Fairy, and a Ladies Interclub Play Day where we'll play for a few hours followed by a lunch together. All these will prove interesting posts in the next few days.

70
<explictive beginning with a D>
I hated turning 60 because that's when middle age ends and our sunset years begin. Now starting my eighth decade on earth, i'm happy that at least i was brave enough to finally be Laura. It certainly would have been nicer to have transitioned much earlier, but conditions weren't right for me.
I'm certain I'm fully away from the Event Horizon and while i can't fly because the smoke from the many California fires, I'll will return to the sky soon.

Tomorrow, our first match and an afternoon visit with my surgeon. I'll provide my next update Wednesday night.

Onward

Laura

[LauraE]

September 10, 2021

Ladies Play Day
One of the features of the Ladies Interclub League is that they get together several times each year in a tennis social format followed by lunch. Today was their first event of the year.
Now, our club has 30 members on our team divided into three teams: one A team and two B teams. Normally, we only have contact with the members of our individual teams because we all play on different days, and the B teams alternate between home and away games. The social format allows all of us to mix, although attendance is voluntary. Of the 30, 12 attended today's event.

When the play day was announced a month ago, i labored over whether to participate. While i do have serveral friends and supporters on the team, the haters vastly out number them. I wasn't sure if i could handle being around people who hate me, even though it's normally covert.
We played three sets today, and parings were determined beforehand so that we'd partner and play against with different people. A nice way to spend time with both friends and those you're unfamiliar with.
The first set was uneventful. The second set pretty much destroyed me. My partner was the captain of the A team, and a fairly skilled player. During the first game, when we were on the receiving end, my partner hit a fairly easy ball into the net. I mistakenly made a joke about the error which set off her anger. She turned around and told me she didn't appreciate my sense of humor. I apologized immediately and we completed the game. She wanted to serve during the second game, but before hand, i walked up to her and again deeply apologized. It didn't make a difference in her attitude towards me though. The remainder of the set, she was cold towards me. i felt miserable.

Now, while it's possible she was only angry because of my humor, i think much more was going on. I think my bad joke gave her an excuse to make her hatred towards me more overt.
After the set was over, we had time before the third set while others were finishing their second sets. I felt terrible so i found a place where i could cry alone. Frankly, i would have gone home but i couldn't do that to the people i'd be playing in the third set, whom ever they'd be.
As it turned out, i was paired with my tennis partner for the set, which helped me recover a bit. She's that amazing to be around.

Once all three sets were over, we gathered for lunch. Now, the hosting team had decorated tables both inside the club meeting rooom which looks out on the courts, as well as tables just outside in a shaded area. My partner and i sat at a table inside. None of the women joined us. I'm not really surprised. The mean girls can choose to pretend smile to me but you could never expect them to actually hang around you.

Was i glad i attended? That's a complicated question. In one way, my attendance showed them that i'm not going away. That didn't stop one person from displaying her hatred though.

Another day in paradise.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

September 16, 2021

I'm a pilot who also happens to be transgender. However, getting the FAA to provide an updated license with my new name has so far been unsuccessful.

Once I went full-time last fall, i changed my name legally, receiving my certivied court order in late January. For all of us, there's a progression to update all our identity documents, including our Social Security accounts, driver's licenses, and birth certificates. It's an expensive and laborious set of tasks that can take months to complete.

Because married women often change their names, it seemed logical that the FAA had an easy process to update their pilot certificates. I was wrong.

My first adventure began with a meeting with the Fresno FSDO on February 24th which, because of COVID, was conducted by video. During the hour meeting, I updated all my new identity documents and the certified court order, as well as completing an additional form provided by the FSDO. All these changes (my new name and gender) were entered electronically into IACRA. i was assigned an FTO #, A0213174.
By late April, when i hadn't received my new certificate, i contacted the Fresno FSDO to inquire if there was  a problem. I was told, "We submitted your application via IACRA so it would not have been misplaced.  Your FTN number shows your new name in IACRA but your airman records show your old name.   You can call Airman Certification Branch at 405-954-xxxx. "

Which i did. The FAA told me that IACRA isn't currently set up for name changes and i was told that name/gender changes have to be submitted on paper.

After I informed the Fresno FSDO of this, they told me they were in contact with the FAA and that my application was in process. A few days later, i was asked to resubmit my documentation so the FSDO could submit them via email, which they did on May 19th. 

When i didn't receive my updated license by July 26th, i again contacted the FAA and was told that they didn't have the application that was sent on May 19th. I then contacted the FSDO which resubmitted my application and paperwork on the same day.

Tennis has been my only way to be around people. It's why i felt so hurt when i was removed from our long-standing Friday group with Trix, Bobbi, and Nora. They were people I enjoyed being around,  who kept me going during my divorce, and who were so accepting when i came out to them last summer. Losing them stung deeply.
I'm not bothered by last Wednesday's loss because i thought we communicated well during the first set so that we could reset in the second. I love playing with you and think we played well together. However, as we were leaving Wednesday, i sensed that something was wrong between us, that perhaps you were upset with me. I felt the same thing when you came for RC's lesson Thursday. I don't know what i did wrong but i'm terribly sorry i upset you. Please tell me so i can try to be a better person, partner, and friend.

Transitioning is so hard. I feel lonely most of the time and without tennis, things get much harder. Add to that my fear of most of the Interclub ladies, being stared at every day, and not being invited to play with others, and you have depression. I'm trying so hard to become a better player, hoping others will like me, but I wonder if you'd be happier with a different partner.     

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

September 22, 2021

Falling
First, an update. My two-year HRT anniversary is approaching so i contacted my transitions doctor to arrange bloodwork and to set an appointment. While i went for bloodwork today, my appointment was set for October 21st. My COVID postponed one-year FFS follow-up is scheduled for September 30th, so i'll update my HRT and FFS threads as they happen.

I fell down the rabbit hole last week, and while i was able to climb out after 36 hours, i fell deeper than i had before. Emotionally, i'm still recovering. This all started last Thursday. We had lost last week's Interclub match, although we played well for three sets. i was fairly proud of our teamwork. Still, i began to sense something was wrong between my partner and myself. I was probably wrong, but these feelings grew more intense over the next two days, and coupled with my sadness at losing several other friendships,  i began considering quitting the team.

When i shared my feelings with my partner, i learned the worst. She began by saying that if i were to quit, so would she, that the only reason she's on the team was to give me the experience. She had known no one would partner with me, so essentially she felt sorry for me. She was quite strong in her response to me, but did tell me to relax and to not overthink things. she also mentioned that my behavior pushes people away.

I would say that's probably true. For me, it's a defense mechanism. Rather than being hurt or feeling rejected, it's easier to withdraw. If people are only my friend because they feel sorry for me, then i've gained nothing and any happiness is just an illusion. As i wrote, i'm still recovering emotionally, and i don't want to make any rash decisions or comments right now. However, i do know that everyone wants to play with my partner and no one wants to play with me. That's been true for months now. I'm not getting enough practice time in.

My only action seems to be to enjoy playing Interclub this year because there is no next year for me.
Moving might have been a better choice.

Laura

[LauraE]

October 3, 2021: Part 1

Party Time
During today's SF Giants game, i construct a post reflecting on the last two weeks and reply to your comments. First, though, happiness.

Twice i've been to Yeng's house (my tennis partner) for drinks, dinner, and lots of talk with her other best friends. Never have i felt more authentic and accepted as when i've been around them. About six weeks ago, Yeng told me it was my turn to invite people over. Now, neither <deadname> nor Laura has ever invited people over. I've just not had friends to invite, but being an introvert has always been part of the problem. Well, last night, Yeng and here two best friends came over for dinner, drinks, and lots of talking and laughing. For me, it was one of those culminating events that remind me that Laura's in the right place, that she can survive the hardships, rejection, and hate. Yeng has been a gift.
Two pictures. One of Yeng and me and the other of the group.


Laura

[LauraE]

October 3, 2021: Part 2

@Danielle, @Pammie, @OldAndCreaky, @Rachel Montgomery, & @Rakel
Lots of updates and replies in this post. As always, i appreciate that you're part of my journey.
Regarding my pilot's license and my name change olympics, i received an email from the FAA a few days ago that they did, indeed, expedite my license approval and Laura's new license has been issued. Logging on the FAA web site, i was able to confirm that <deadname> no longer exists and that my license now says Laura. I expect its arrival this week.

Ladies Interclub tennis continues each Wednesday, one of the highlights of my week. Given how the team feels about me, i keep my appearances as low key as possible, arriving early to practice my serves and warm up. For the third time, my partner and I were the last to finish our match, and i was pleased that several team members hung around to watch us finish up our third set. As we won our match, we learned our match win allowed our team to win their match. All good. They may not like me, but they do appreciate when we can deliver a win for the team.

After my Falling post on the 22nd, i took about 10 days off from Susan's. I needed the time away to reset, just as it's valuable to walk away from a problem to clear your mind. After that post, it took several days to recover, but i came out with a clearer mind. That's a good thing.
I have no doubt that Yeng is likes me for who i am. Our senses of humor can be similar, but i enjoy making her and her friends laugh. That's a skill this awkward introvert, middle child, honed over many years. of course, some people, including the Mean Girls, don't get my humor and that might be part of the problem.

Regarding pushing people away. I tend to be the type of person who withdraws from conflict, rather than confront it; taking things personally and feeling scared/hurt is also there too, so i'm suspecting that some people interpret my defense mechanism wrongly. If i things are going to go south, as it did with my Friday tennis friends (including Person One), I'll continue to hold hope and reach out until i finally realize that i should just give up and move on.

My Pilot's License
First, I've carried my license with me since i earned it in 1969 and while no one has ever asked to see it, it's still a source of pride knowing I'm able to access the magic of flight. Yes, i have my own plane, although I'm part of a partnership which greatly reduces my financial commitment. Still, flying IS expensive. I'm glad Laura will have her new license soon.

Yes, there are air cops. The FAA does what are called "Ramp Checks" where at any time at the airport they can request all your documents, including my license and medical clearance as well as the paperwork we must carry in the plane. And, if you really screw up while flying or landing, the controllers can ask you to write down a number. oh, not any number, but the number at the FAA where you'll be in line for questioning and/or punishment for your infractions.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

October 6, 2021

Oh, This Is Different
Wednesdays are match days for our Ladies Interclub team, with us alternating between home and away games. Today's match was away in a city about 40 minutes from our home club. As always, i began by driving to our club quite early to practice my serves and warm up my ground strokes. My partner, Yeng, met me there and i drove us up to the away club, called Oak Park. Now, Oak Park is a nice club that sponsors regular women's socials each month and Laura has participated in several of them, meaning that many women there know me. I wasn't surprised that several greeted me by name when we arrived. What DID surprise me is what happened during out match.

Now, we won decisively, and while that was nice, i appreciated that the two women we played were friendly and easy going. We ended up chatting before, during, and after the match.
Early in the match, during a break, one of the players heard me us a common Mandarin phrase of exasperation, "Ay ya", which is similar to "oh, shoot." She recognized the phrase and asked if i knew the language. I answered by telling her that my "ex" was Chinese. She answered back, "oh, was he from china?"

He?
Oh. Oh.
She thinks i'm Cis.

We continued playing.  After the match, we were  sharing how Yeng and I became partners and compared how different clubs assembled our teams. We talked about our try-outs and referenced the drama that ensued after we made the team.  They were confused that the team would have a problem with me on the team.
"oh, you don't know?", i asked.

"it's because i'm transgender", i explained.
Now, this came as a complete surprise to them and, frankly, a complete surprise to me that, after playing with us for two hours, they hadn't clocked me. They assumed I was Cis.

Imagine my delight.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

October 13, 2021

Thanks to Danielle for prodding me. It's probably not a conincidence that the people who mean the most to me are roughly the same age. Person One and Danielle are the same age, and my tennis partner is two years younger.

I've assembled so many stories from the past 10 days and while i suspect i've forgotten some of them, i'm going to start in reverse chronological order.

Interleague
Regular readers will know that my main source of exercise and joy is playing tennis and making the Ladies Interclub team was the culmination of a dream i had since coming out.  For Yeng to have fallen in my lap was pure luck and as i've written before, "When luck knocks at your door, let it in."
Today was our fifth match of the season and we played a team who was tied in first place with us. We knew we were playing a tough team today.  Now, Yeng and i both had a disadvantage. While i have several stories relating to why, i'll simply state that we had both had attended the Indian Wells tennis tournament last weekend, which is often called the fifth major. It's two weeks of amazing tennis with the best players in the world.

Because we both were away, today found us fairly rusty at the start of our match. I had arrived early to practice my serves, as usual, and Yeng and i warmed up before the match. As we proceeded through the first set, we realized just how rusty we were, as we fell behind 0-3 and then 2-5.
Now, because of my ADD, i've been fairly self critical my whole life and once i get down on myself during a tennis match, there's no recovering. Self doubt can be a fairly powerful force. One of the reasons Yeng is such a good partner is that self-doubt is not a part of her personality. Not that she's overly confident but she doesn't let mistakes get in her way. My tennis coach has also been a force to build my confidence and help me feel less self-critical when i'm playing badly.
Improving your tennis game requires patience and practice as new skills and work to remove errors, begins to work its way into muscle memory. As i heard from a cheerleading coach on TV, "Practice until you get it right, and then keep practicing until you can't get it wrong." Improvement takes time and negative thoughts can block your path. My coach understands that every student learns differently and that immediate feedback is important to the learning process. Besides reminding me that i'm a strong player, he stresses that should i find myself struggling on the court, to just stay positive and return to the basics until my form returns.

At 2-5 in the first set, Yeng and both clicked and our games returned. We won the next five games to take the first set, 7-5, following up with a 6-2 win the final set. Chalk up another win for us and for the team.

It all boiled down to staying positive and working through our individual difficulties, knowing we're a strong team. It's a bit similar to transitioning.

More stories later.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

October 14, 2021

Here's another catch-up post, still working in reverse chronological order. Tomorrow's post is more dramatic.

The Long Drive
After being away from the Indian Wells tennis tournament for several years, i looked forward to attending this year, even if it was for just two days. Interesting weather and a terrible rental car market precluded flying, which would have been faster and more fun, but at least i could take my first long drive in my Tesla.

I had purchased the Long Range version of  my Tesla just for days like this, even though there are a large number of charging stations along every highway. Still, i planned  when and where to charge in advance, to make sure i felt comfortable.

The drive down was uneventful and very quiet as i listened to the same album, Kacey Musgrave's Star Crossed at least 15 times over the three days. It was a lovely, if not long 7.5 hour drive down.
Driving back was another story.

My biggest concern about attending Indian Wells was that i'd feel rusty after i returned. My plans were to drive back Tuesday for our Wednesday morning match. On Monday, i texted my tennis coach to arrange a brief lesson to deal with the rust, offering me 1:30pm..... I intended to leave at 4am to avoid the L.A. commute traffic, that would have added an hour to my drive, but after i woke up at 1:30am, i decided to leave earlier, finally getting our of town at 2:30am.... oh, that's early. I estimated i'd get home around 10am.

My estimation blew up in Visalia, which is about 2:20 from home. I stopped there to recharge my battery but while i was waiting, i went through my purse, noticing my house key was missing. Oh dear.  Now, my next door neighbor's daughter, who was cat sitting my fur babies has a key, but they're a busy family who often don't get home until 8pm.... The thought of waiting outside for eight plus hours concerned me.

Fortunately, i'm a geek who had attached one of Apple's Air Tags to my key ring. Pulling up my phone's Find My feature, i saw that my keys were last seen at a MacDonalds in Bakersfield on Sunday, more than an hour in the other direction. I'd stopped there on the way down to Indian Wells and must have dropped my keys there. So i made an impulse decision to reverse course and drive back down to the McDonalds......  Unfortunately, they didn't have them. Now i was an extra hour away from home and needed to charge again to make it home. However, there are NO charging stations in Bakersfield. Really? The closest north of me was back in Visalia, so i awas forced to drive west to Interstate 5, the main artery from LA to the Bay Area.  I-5 has stations about every 20 miles or so.... Yes, this added time to my drive back and i finally arrived home at 1pm....nearly 11 hours after leaving Indian Wells.

I was spent, so i cancelled my lesson. The prospect of waiting eight hours for my neighbors to arrive home wasn't pleasing. Then,  luck knocked on my door. After parking my car in the garage, i found that my sitter hadn't locked the door from the house into the garage, so i gained entry to the house..
Perfect, because i was ready to collapse from the drive.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

October 14, 2021

Once again, i'm sharing stories from the past week, in reverse chronological order. Today's post is more in the vein of, "Behind every silver lining, is a cloud."  If you're a lover of long posts, then your dreams have just come true.

Alone in a Crowd
Oh, where to start?

If you've read my prior posts, you know i just spent a few days at the Indian Wells tennis tournament, also called the BNP Paribas Open and often referred to as the fifth major. Normally held in March, the spring 2020 and 21 tournaments were cancelled due to COVID. October's tournament was a catch-up before returning to March next year.

In the past, i regularly traveled to attend the tournament since the various stadiums offer excellent views with most of the seats being General Admission, meaning that for the cost of a cheap ticket, you could wander to most of the courts to watch Men or Women's singles or doubles matches. Most of the major tennis vendors are there as are a wide variety of eateries. The food is good and the margaritas are cold, which means it's pretty easy to arrive when the gates open at 10am and stay until 10pm.
Before i continue, let me offer some background.

Of the many activities i love, several are off limits right now because i don't enjoy doing them alone. These include camping, hiking, eating out, and attending concerts. For me, the joy of sharing the event with someone is as great as attending the event. I miss each of these, but feel too uncomfortable doing them alone. The few things i dare to try are attending baseball games, going to movies, and watching tennis.

My baseball team of choice is the SF Giants, them having arrived in SF in 1957, when i was six, a full 10 years before the Oakland A's arrived from Kansas City. The Giants have always had my heart, so once i was fully vaxed, i made my way to SF twice this year to attend games.
I love the entire experience of the game: enjoying the views of the SF Bay Area, the bay itself, and the Oakland/SF Bay Bridge, walking around the park before a game people watching and checking out the various good vendors, and of course watching the game. In the two games i attended this year, i never made it past the fourth inning.

Why? Well, much like the journey being as fun as the destination, sharing a game  with someone enriches the experience: traveling together, sharing comments about the game, and cheering the team. Everything is more fun when you're sharing it with one or more people.

I had no one to share the day with. Around me were couples, friends, and groups of people laughing, talking, cheering, and loving being together. Yes, i love watching the game, but i also felt empty that i had no one to share the experience with. Eventually, all these feelings caught up with me and i felt i had to flee the stadium. It's easier to be alone when you're not surrounded by happy people. it's almost ironic that i attended the games to feel more normal and less lonely, but found that the opposite was true.  You can run from loneliness, but it will always find you.
Such was my experience at Indian Wells.

Now, many of the people i know also attended the tournament, although fewer this year. Requiring all attendees to be vaccinated kept the stubborn or those with families away. However, my partner Yeng, her husband, and several of their Filipino friends rented a house for Friday and Saturday nights so they could attend together and still share meals and other activities at the house. I know most of her friends and i'm certain they had a great time. They arrived on Friday and left for home on Sunday.
However, i'd already made reservations to arrive Sunday and leave for home on Tuesday, so our paths wouldn't be crossing

Person One, though, would  be there. We'd talked several times over the summer as we navigated the ticket reservation system. She was attending with a group of friends, but had tickets in the same stadium that i'd be in last Monday. My seat was in the fourth row, near center court, while she and her friends were sitting in the end. The possibility of us meeting up was there, though.
During one of the matches, i texted her to see if she was in the stadium. She affirmed and had posted a few pictures to her FB page. From the pictures, i saw the direction of her seats, and glanced over to see her friends, but not her. She texted me that she was out getting something to eat.

Now, i had secretly hoped that we could meet up, for find a bite to eat and spend a little time together, but it was not to be. Her friends were her priority. By this time, the same loneliness that had haunted me at the base ball game, was circling. The tennis matches were well played and my closeness to the court gave me excellent views and opportunities to cheer. However, around me were coupes, friends, and groups who were experiencing this together. Seeing their happiness reminded me that i was alone and that i had no one to share the entire experience with.

So, after just a few hours after arriving, i escaped and returned to the hotel. Again, it was easier to be alone in my room, than being alone in a crowd of happy people.

CODA
Person One and her husband own a cell phone repair shop in town, and because my iPhone battery has been acting up lately, i drove over to their business for her husband to replace it. This gave us time to catch up a bit. I came away knowing that while i'll always be thankful that she was there for me when i needed her the most, two years ago, we're just friends now, not best friends. I'd spent the summer grieving the lost of her and the Friday Group, so while i do wish i was still part of their posse, it's time to move on.

My take-away lesson, though, is that i'm capable of making not just friends, but close friends. As long as i continue to say "yes" when asked to participate, as long as i share my stories with those i trust, and if i can begin to reach out to initiate invitations, i can slowly accumulate a few new close friends.

My other take-away is something Person One suggested today. By inviting someone to attend the base ball game,  or by coordinating my Indian Wells visit with Yeng (my partner) or another friend, i hope up the possibility of spending some time with them and thereby beat loneliness away.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

October 20, 2021

Overcoming <Deadname>'s Bad Habits
One of the effects of being ADD is a sense of not being good enough, of disappointing the people around you as well as yourself. Being self-critical has been a life-long trend which often had negative effects on the tennis court as frustrations connected to my errors compounded until they controlled me. I never enjoyed being this way and would always feel sad afterwards that i would let my emotions get the better of me.

One my blessings, in the 11 months i've been Laura, has been my success in being more positive on the courts. Everyone makes errors, but when you let yourself get down about those errors, it's harder to remain calm for the next challenging point.
 
Since coming into my life last April, my tennis partner, Yeng, has been an incredibly positive force in my life and I've found it easier to stay positive during our play. During the first five matches this fall, even when we were losing, i was able to remain positive which helped me be a better partner for Yeng.

Today was different and i can't pin the reason on any one thing. Perhaps it was my increased level, since i've just upped my dosage to three patches which were applied yesterday. Perhaps it was the rampant cheating by one of the players, or perhaps it was a combination of things. I don't know. What i DO know is that i let my emotions get to me today as we were beaten by a weaker team. I never got outwardly angry, but i was too much in my head today and was visibly upset by the end of our match.

Yeng, my best friend, called tonight, so we could talk through today's match and she rightfully whacked me on the head for my behavior. She'd never seen me like this so today was a shock for her. I know i can be better and that today is an anomaly as i continue to try to be a better Laura. Overcoming a life-long negative habit takes time and i must be ore proactive about staying positive on the court.

in other news, i got proactive today and called my BA surgeon since i'd not heard from them about a surgery date. The upshot is that i was able to snag a cancellation so i'm now scheduled for BA on November 3rd. i'll miss our last Interleague match of the fall, before a two month break, but at least i'll be fully recovered in early December so Yeng and i can practice together before the season resumes.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

October 29, 2021

Two Stories
First, i'd like to clarify that my team captain has been amazing from day one. Her acceptance and support is one reason i'm so happy to be on her team. When my opponent wrote an incredibly hateful letter about me addressed to my captain, my captain was disgusted and very protective of me. She's more than earned my trust and respect.

Breast Augmentation
When the surgeon's office called to provide more details about the surgery, which included the arrival time as well as required COVID and EKG tests, they also let me know that i was required to bring a friend whom they could review my post surgery care, drive me home, and stay overnight. Now, i'd hoped just to take an uber home since this isn't major surgery, but now i had to think. My partner would be playing tennis that morning in our last match of the fall and one of her best friends (X) is in Arizona at the moment. Still, i've spent some time with X and her best friend (Y) who do everything together. They've been learning how to play tennis so i've offered to hit with them many times the past five months. They're both wonderful people.

Now, after i hit with them last Saturday, they asked me to rock climb with them, but by then i was exhausted since i'd played earlier in the morning too. they also said they'd invite me to go snow boarding with them. I've never done either, but i've learned to say Yes because you never know when a new best friend will arrive.

I had discussed my surgery with X and Y last week, and Y volunteered to be my driver and stay over. I'm humbled that X and Y feel i'm a good friend and want to share some of their activities, but Y is especially generous to assist me with my surgery.

Oak Park Tennis
Oak Park Tennis club is about 35 minutes from my house and consists of 12 courts and a small club house. they have very inexpensive dues and monthly women's socials on Fridays that i've attended. Oak Park also has an Interleague team that Yeng and I played a few weeks ago. Every contact i've had there has been overwhelmingly positive and i feel at home there. Today was no different, attending their Halloween social where we played five short sets followed by a nice lunch where we could socialize.
During one of our sets, i thought i heard one of the women mention "my wife", as in her wife which intrigued me. Until now, i've not met any other LGBT tennis players so i was curious. By chance we sat across from each other during lunch and eventually conversation let me learn that we're the same age. When she mentioned her wife again, i went through the door she opened.

I asked whether her wife played tennis (she does, but she's recovering from surgery) and when she mentioned that she only came out 10 years ago, i found another similarity, telling her i only came out to myself five years ago. What followed was a wonderful discussion about how liberating it feels to be "out" and to live our lives authentically.  We also agreed that we feel an obligation to be role models to pay back those who preceded us and to help those who follow us. In all, a wonderful day.

Onward

Laura

[LauraE]

November 6, 2021

There's Trouble In Town
First, thank you for reading and responding to my posts. Recovery from my BA is going well and i'll have another report after my follow-up with the Surgeon next Tuesday.

Our tennis club has three teams that compete in the Interleague: one "A" team and two "B" teams. Each B team has five pairs, called Lines, that play against their counterparts on the other teams. Yeng and I are Line Five on the Red B team. The other B team at our club is B Black. Our match on October 20th was against B Black.

After my October 20th post, things went sideways. When my opponent complained about my swearing during the match, my team captain had to conduct a full investigation, interviewing all four players. Upfront, i acknowledged my poor behavior and apologized. A letter from our club representative, dated October 25th, reviewed the accusation, acknowledged my apology, and gave me a warning for swearing on the court. If i were to receive four warnings, I'd be removed from the league. so far, no problem.
And then,  problems rained down.

On November 3rd, my surgery date, the league board notified me that they had received two complaints about me: One from the same person who complained on October 20 and a second complaint from a team we played five weeks ago. Frankly, that two complaints were received at the same time is highly suspicious and seem coordinated. Apparently, the woman who filed the October compliant was not satisfied that i was given a warning. She's going for blood. The letter from the league board is the beginning of their investigation, but what worries me is that one of my haters sits on the board and, as such, will be passing judgement.

According to the new compliant, the player, whom i'll refer to as <Angry Woman> has accused me of violating nine rules (yes, this is fairly over the top). The woman Yeng and I beat in May which earned us a place on the team, is the league score keeper so she participates in all board discussions and will be sitting in judgement of me.  I'll refer to as <Hateful Woman>.

Yes, i smell something fishy.

A few days ago, i prepared a full statement, as well as a number of questions, in reply to the complaints. My team captain is livid, not at me but at the other player. I've come to the conclusion that the haters are going to use the grievance system to give me four strikes, ejecting me from the league.
Below are excerpts from my reply to the board.

Regarding the complaint on September 29th match:
Regarding the 9/20 complaint, when was it submitted and by whom?
The referenced match occurred five weeks ago. What is the reason for the delay in complaining?
What are the specific complaints?  Your email listed nine possible infractions. Are you saying that I violated all nine of them for this match?

I had thought that the chain of command for complaints ran through the team captains, meaning that the Del Rio team complained to their captain, who would then contact my captain. This clearly hasn't happened.
I respectfully request that <Hateful Woman> not be allowed to participate in any discussions about either complaint. She has a history of hating me because I'm transgender.  I elaborate about this below. Just know that harassing me because I'm transgender is against the law.

Regarding the complaint about our October 20th match.
Regarding the October complaint by <Angry Woman>. The letter I received from <my club>, dated October 25th, lists that the grievance was resolved and that I was given a warning. Given that <Angry Woman's> complaint was investigated and resolved locally, why is she filing the same complaint with the League Board?
You've listed nine infractions about my behavior during the match. Only one is valid, which falls under the category of  unsportsmanlike behavior. I am guilty of using bad language and dropping my racket to the court after a few points.  I'd NEVER throw my racket because of the expense.

 Note that this issue was investigated thoroughly at <My Club> and I was issued a warning in a October 25th letter from <the club>.
I NEVER cussed at my opponent.
I NEVER made inappropriate comments during changeover.
Yeng and I NEVER made intentional bad line calls. Every one makes accidental bad calls. There's a big difference, though, between innocent mistakes and a pattern of multiple bad calls throughout a match. During the entire match, <Angry Woman> made repeated bad line calls (at least 10), something both Yeng and I noticed independently. We chose not to file a complaint against <Angry Woman> for her behavior. We took the high road.
I have NO idea why she's accusing me of hitting balls at her during a point. What I DID do, was to take a soft second serve from her partner and while I was aiming down the line, the ball flew towards <Angry Woman> who was next to the net, nearly hitting her. I immediately approached the net and apologized, telling her that it wasn't intentional. She refused the apology. During changeover, I again apologized, but again Anne would not accept it.

My only offense from the October 20th match is that i used several swear words during the match, an infraction i've both acknowledged and apologized for multiple times.

I have acknowledged my mistakes and apologized. I know it was wrong of me to swear during a match. I gladly accepted my punishment and am sorry for letting my emotions get the better of me.   I propose that <Angry Woman> is guilty of unsportsmanlike conduct. She refused my apology during  our match, and repeatedly made questionable line calls. After our match, I was told that <Angry Woman> used derogatory language referring to me. My thought is that she, is piling on the complaints in order to kick me out of the league. This is a form of harassment the league shouldn't reward.

Special Note: Once I  came out to myself, five years ago, it's been my dream to be part of the league. Some friends warned me not to try because of the number of transgender haters at our club..
I experienced my first direct harassment on May 18th, the day Yeng and I beat <Hateful Woman> in a ladder challenge match. By winning that match, she was eliminated from the  team as we took her place on the ladder. What happened afterwards was a bit of a coup, as several women, including <Hateful Woman>, tried to break up the team and start a new team in Manteca. They didn't want a transgender person to be part of the team.

Along the way, I've made many wonderful friends while also discovering several haters at my club, some whom are discrete while others, like <Hateful Woman> and <Angry Woman>, are more direct. This has made the last six months much more depressing as I took their actions personally. I do hope the board doesn't enable them, giving them the freedom to demonstrate their transphobia while removing me from the team. Again, <Hateful Woman> should not be part of the complaint process because of her past actions towards me.

I await your response.

Laura

[LauraE]

November 7, 2021

A Dish Best Served Cold
This is a follow-up to today's "There's Trouble in Town" post.

Before the new war broke out between the Mean Girls and me, my captain had fully investigated the complaint by <Angry Girl> regarding my bad language. During her investigation, she exchanged a number of messages with the club representative as well as the four of us who were part of the match. One of the emails from <Angry Girl> was so incendiary about my transness that my captain didn't want to hurt me by sharing it.

As i was reviewing these events, it seemed apparent that the hateful email was part of a patter and would reveal <Angry Girl's> motivation for ramping up the war. Writing to the captain today, i asked if she could share that email with the Interleague Board, since it demonstrated that <Angry Girl> was guilty of unsportsman-like behavior.

My captain had beaten me to the punch, though. Apparently, the hateful email was just one of several acidic messages <angry girl> had sent, so my Captain forwarded the entire email thread to the Board.

At least now the Board will have a better understanding of what's happening at our club.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

November 19,  2021

Oh, i was totally unaware that i was so popular!!!😉  Thank you all for your comments, wise cracks, and best wishes. Be assured, i'm not even close to the rabbit hole. Just busy, but i do have lots of minor stories/updates. This post ended up being much longer than i had envisioned.

I'm finally sitting on the couch after a busy morning and afternoon.Instrumental Christmas music is playing on the stereo (surround sound). I write better (always offline) when i use instrumental music to tune everything out.  I began by taking my daily four-mile walk and then got to work on the yard. My neighbor threw down the Christmas decoration gauntlet last week by putting up all his lights and decorations two weeks before Thanksgiving. Oh, the battle was on. Before i could put mine up, there was still quite a bit of pruning and yard work to prepare my yard for all the lights i put up. Besides lights on both stories of my house, i also light the two structural posts in front, the landscape rose bushes that line my lawn, and a crape myrtle bush i just finished pruning. Half the lights are up and i'll complete the work Saturday.

Thanksgiving is next week, and while i'll be spending it alone, as usual, i still cook a full Thanksgiving dinner. I picked up the turkey and a bag of sweet potatoes at Costco yesterday. Now, for years i've been using a wonderful, but simple recipe for mashed yams, but when i saw the recipe for Citris-Glazed Sweet Potatoes, i could not resist. It's more work, but it should be fun to find out if this a better side dish. Oh, I've always BBQed my turkeys, so that will be fun too.

Tennis
I continue to organize a weekly Saturday, 12 person doubles group and while i can't play tennis for two more weeks, i attend to hang out with the players. Tomorrow, Person One will be attending for the first time in many months. Things are much better between us which makes me happy. I was someone who had no friends before I came out to her two years ago. Now, i have many, so this Thanksgiving, i'll be counting my blessings
.
One Year Anniversary
The other larger thing in my mind has been planning a series of blogs to celebrate my first year of going full-time as Laura.It's taken some time to figure out what i want to say and how i want to say it, but the most important part, the opening long paragraph was finished earlier this week. i'll begin posting this series on the 27th.

Where is Danielle?
When i read Rachel's comment, it reminded me of the wonderful series of books, and the PBS series, Where in the World is Carmen SanDiego. Yes, i'm playing that game when I'm bored or, more importantly, procrastinating. i've suspected that some of my clues are false, or that Danielle (if that IS her real name) has planted. For a few days, i questioned the clue that Anchorage was closer to her house than Fairbanks because most of the small towns i was checking were located around the Fairbanks area. However, Costco does have a store there, so i'm thinking that clue is valid. yes, i've looked for CPAs in Alaska, checking various databases for her name. Given that i found one town of 2k people with a single CPA and that she's the only one in her town, i may have to modify the potential population to between 2k and about 7K. Still, there are tons of tiny cities in this group. My next task, the next time i get bored, will be to Google Street View those towns to look for coffee shops. That's for another day/month.

BA Update
it's been a bit more than two weeks since my BA. I continue to be satisfied that i didn't go big. Oh, a C cup would probably feel wonderful, but i don't want to be one who stands out, so a B cup is still better than what i had. I'll wait another two weeks before i go down to Victoria Secret to bra shop. In the meantime, i continue to wear compression bras 24/7. The bra supplied by the surgeon fits snugly, but after a few hours, my ribs begin to hurt more than i can bear, so that's when i swap it out for a sports bra. For exercise, I walk four miles every other day, and sometimes every day. the impact of walking quickly for an hour aggravates my aging knees, so i'll be happy to begin using the elliptical at the club next week. I may begin playing tennis in two weeks.

Interleague Christmas Lunch
I thought i'd written about this but apparently i haven't. This is where the disappointment begins. When i dreamed of playing Ladies Interclub five years ago, i was looking forward to BOTH the social and physical parts of playing. Yes, I'm having a ball playing each week (we're on winter break now). Win or lose (we've done pretty well for ourselves), what matters is that we play hard and have fun. Nothing else matters. (well, until we met one of my bullies.)
There are 30 women on three teams at out club: One A team and two B teams. Because we play on different days and locations, the only women i see are the 10 on my team, which is fine because i'm largely accepted here. Several times, several of us have gone out to lunch afterwards which has been a great experience so far.

However, several times a year, all three teams get together for either a Play Day, followed by a lunch, or in the case of December 1st, a formal lunch. I had SO hoped to attend these lunches to hang out with my team and perhaps make friends with women on the other teams. However, after what happened during the first Play Day and what with the events that happened on October 20th with the other B team, I've told my captain that i don't feel safe around the other women. There are some women on those two teams who i thought were allies, but they've been completely silent to me since the first attack began in May. I really don't think i can depend on any of them to be friendly to me.
My captain reached out again a few days ago, again pleading with me to give the luncheon a chance. Below is part of the email i wrote to her. (BTW, she loved the flowers i sent her.

This has been a year of incredible highs, like becoming best friends with Yeng, and horrendous lows. From all my conversations with Person One about Interleague, i know how unusual it is for partners to become best friends, so i appreciate the blessings i'm presented with when they happen. Person One had also warned me of the trouble i'd face if i made the team. I knew coming in that things could go south.
That's why i nearly moved last year. I know <this town> is not the best place for people in the LGBT community but the Elk Grove/Sacramento area are, so i came fairly close to selling my properties and building a great house in Elk Grove. I chose to stay, though, because I found warm acceptance from my neighbors and friends. In the end, staying was a leap of faith, one i don't regret.

Yes, i find other clubs like Oak Park and Woodbridge much more accepting, and during the social play days and lunches at Oak Park, i've felt nothing but friendship and acceptance from the women there. It's something i had so hoped for at our club.

What most people don't get is that i'm a different person now from who i used to be. Yes, the core parts of my personality are still there: my values and sense of humor are fully intact and i'm still shy. Hormones and transition have brought many changes: i'm much more sensitive and in touch with my feelings; I'm still an introvert but I'm more proactive about reaching out to people to be friends; and i say "yes" now to invitations because that's how new friendships are birthed. The person i was <deadname> couldn't do any of these. I'd gone decades without a best friend when i came out to Person One, two years ago. Now i have several.

From the beginning, i've taken the high road. I'm not one to enjoy confrontation or gossip. Neither are productive, but i understand that this strategy also emboldens those who disapprove of me. My hopes were that by being friendly and keeping my head high that eventually some people would move from the disapprove to the accept column. This proved true when someone from the team sent me a Facebook invitation as well as ongoing support texts and emails after our recent Team Black drama. I've tried to give people the space to change their minds and come over.

And yes, i know i've just made your case for attending the luncheon. If it were just Team Red, it would be so easy to accept. The 20 women on the other teams are the great unknown and that scares me. Several women on those teams, who i thought were supportive, have been silent the past six months so i don't think i can count of their support. I also don't know how many haters i have on those teams but i suspect there are many. I'm not exaggerating when i say that i don't feel safe attending. That's one reason i rarely go to the club now.

What would make me feel safe is being surrounded by my team and having Yeng by my side. She's told me that she's not coming because of her work and all the other parties she's invited to, but i know the recent drama affected her as well. All this hurt her too. It saddens me that she won't participate next year because i've never felt more comfortable playing doubles.
OK.. Thanks enough of my life for now. i began watching Christmas movies and shows on Netflix, so back i go to the tube. Thanks for reading. Next major update on the 27th.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

November 27, 2021

Today marks the first anniversary of Laura living authentically full-time.  My journey is far from over, and while i never imagined i'd travel this far, I'm glad was able to experience Laura's new life. This begins a multi-part series where i reflect on the past year, one where i experienced happiness and pain, close friendship and loneliness, and several important steps forward in my transition.

One Year Full-Time Anniversary: A Reflection in Several Parts
When i came out to myself and my therapist five and a half years ago,  I knew the journey would be long and challenging but i had great difficulty imagining being Laura 24/7. Now celebrating my first anniversary of living authentically, there's so much to reflect upon. It's been a year of making grand steps forward, feeling both accepted and bullied, experiencing  brief periods where I pass but daily occurrences where people clock me and stare, making new best friends while discovering the ugliness in some people, briefly seeing Laura in pictures while rarely seeing her in the mirror, and where both my wildest dreams and my worst nightmares have come true. Going full-time is a leap of faith for all of us. Despite the challenges i face and the fear that accompanies me every day, my blessings are many. I continue to hold my head high, to try to see the best in people, to celebrate the little victories, and to be a role model for our community, all while trying to keep fear at bay.  Despite the past year's events that pushed me towards the rabbit hole, I regret nothing. Going full-time was the right decision. As my blog signature says, "When you're ready, start living your truth. That's when the magic happens."

On the Decision to Stay
During the summer of 2020, I had just begun coming out to a few tennis friends and Laura's need to exist had reached a point where she wanted to be seen. It was months before my FFS, and while i was projecting a spring 2021 start to Laura's new life, I had strong concerns. Could i survive in a community that received a D- for their lack of support for the LGBT community? Could i ever "pass" and blend into the crowd, or would i forever be clocked and stared at? Knowing that many MTFs move to a new city to begin their new lives, I started the Should I Stay, or Should I Go  thread, hoping to find wisdom and advice from those who came before me. The responses i received were detailed and so helpful, giving me much more information for my decision.

Last week, i stepped outside as the sun was setting to admire the Christmas lights i'd set up on the house and in the yard. Spotting a neighbor who was just finishing putting up his lights, i walked over to strike up a conversation, something <deadname> had a harder time doing. As i chatted with his wife, i mentioned that i was closing in on my one-year anniversary, how much i loved my neighborhood what with all the kids who play in the street and in our yards, and my decision to stay. She replied that she was glad i stayed too. That pretty much sums up why i didn't move. At the time, a year ago, despite my insecurities and my fear of not passing, i was embraced by those with whom i had wanted approval. That was the closing argument for staying.

Welcome to the Trans Club
I've often compared our journeys to the Chinese proverb, "A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins With a Single Step." That first step for all of us is coming out to ourselves. That's the biggest and hardest step of all. And yet, a thousand mile journey is only accomplished through a million plus steps. Some never get farther than that first step. Some begin the journey but then turn back. Through perseverance, though, most of us make it to the end. Personally, five years after that first step, i'm perhaps only half way to my destination, despite being full-time.
When you join the Trans Club, there are certain "givens" we all have to accept. There is no choice. It's in the contract.
1) You may be rejected by some or many of your family members or friends. That will be hurtful. Some will eventually understand; some will never.
2) Your transition is like a second puberty consisting of both physical as well as mental components. Those who rush their physical transition in hopes of quickly reaching the thousand mile mark will be sorely disappointed. The physical part is easy compared to the mental part which takes longer;
3) Don't expect to find a loving companion. Most men won't consider you a woman. Neither will most lesbians. If you find love, consider yourself blessed;
4) Every part of your transition takes time and patience. Whether it's the months or years it takes estrogen to transform your body, the months or years it takes to get consultations, wait in line for much longer for your surgery, or the self care required for recovery,  patience is required. Nothing can be rushed;
5) You're going to hate electrolysis, particularly the part where you'll need anywhere between 200 and 300 hours under the needle. Not shaving for two or more days before each session will drive you crazy with dysphoria. The sooner you begin, the better. If electrolysis isn't covered by your insurance, just know it's going to be very expensive. And yes, it's quite painful.
6) If or when you go full-time, expect to be clocked, stared at, gossiped about, and, sometimes, bullied. You deserve to exist so hold your head high.
7) Once you're out to a single person, you become a role-model for our community.  We're standing on the shoulders of those who came out before us, just as those after us will stand on ours. Don't mess it up for the next person.Hold your head high, regardless of the circumstances;
You will make new friends, and some people will surprise you. If you keep yourself open, say yes to invitations, or extend a hand to invite, you'll make a few new friends, perhaps even new best friends too. Cherish and nurture those new friendships because they'll sustain you during the tough times.

Best and Worst
May 15th was single best day of the past year. My tennis partner, Yeng, whom i'd only known for five weeks and who was quickly becoming a close friend, invited me to her party for her 39th birthday where only her best friends were attending. I floated home after 1am, having had the first real experience of being accepted as a woman and of being fully embraced by not just Yeng, but her close friends too. For several days, i walked on the clouds that evening created, so thankful for my blessing. Four days later, the floor dropped out from under me.

May 19th was the single worst day of the year. That's when the mean girls declared war. I'd become aware of them from the beginning of tryouts, but when Yeng and I made the team, that was a bridge too far. Having an "other" on team was unacceptable as they attempted to break up the team in order to form a new team in a different city. That's how badly they wanted to be away from me. The Mean Girls would lose the first battle, but i spent the majority of the summer in my bunker, feeling depressed. All i've tried to do this year is to exist. I've not interacted with the Mean Girls, nor returned any of their hatred. I simply turned my cheek and continued to live my life, which was an affront to them. To them, i'm an abomination. To this day, the skirmishes continue. While I do feel a fair amount of anxiety about how things will play out once the season resumes, that i have friends who look out for me and try to protect me is deeply humbling. There may be bullies, but i also have more friends now that ever before in my life.

Coming Out Is the Hardest Thing To Do
I admire those who are confident enough to come out to everyone before they even start HRT. I'm not that person. For years, i wore loose clothing, layers, and a binder to hide my breast growth, afraid some would notice and begin to ask questions. It took three years to come out to Person One and still i marvel that i had the courage that first time. It would be a year before i told anyone else, which started a snowball effect that led to Laura finally going public. I was never not afraid. Fear still follows me.

One of first six people i told, the first former work colleague to learn of my status, sent me an incredibly thoughtful reply that began, "First, let me just start by saying I love, accept, and support you in any form. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with me. It was deeply personal and I am honored you chose to share this story with me." Reading his message brought tears to my eyes knowing that perhaps i could survive this journey.  And i did. Over the next few months, i came out to a variety of friends as i marched closer to going full-time.

Mean Girls
The city I live in has two tennis facilities. The one I've belonged to for 20+ years has 11 courts, a pool and a large workout area and the other facility is at a posh country club. Both have ladies interleague teams. For as long as I've played, both as <deadname> and as Laura, I've heard stories about the Mean Girls on our club's interleague team. The only thing that changes each year is who the mean girls are picking on, so while i could take my bullying personally, in some ways i'm the victim de jour. 
Why do mean girls exist? Well, given my city's D- score from the Human Rights Campaign, you can see that my city leans conservative. Many of the women who play during the daytime are stay-at-home wives whose husbands have lucrative salaries, hence a feeling of entitlement and superiority by some. I often refer to them using one of lyrics "..the ladies who lunch" from the Stephen Sondheim musical, Company. Not all of them are mean. My captain who lives in a very nice house around the corner from me may be a conservative, but she lives her values and that means treating everyone with respect. She's been both incredibly supportive and protective of me. I do count her friendship as one of my blessings.

The Mean Girls were there before i arrived and they'll still be there after I leave. However, there's a particular nastiness regarding their comments and behavior towards me. I don't know if any of them have friends or family who are LGBT, but if they did, i'd think they'd be a little more understanding. I am, though, the only transgender person they've ever known and what with all the GOP laws attacking our participation in sports, use of bathrooms, or even accessing care, I'm the local transperson to express their displeasure or disgust.

Interleague is currently on a winter break. After our schedule resumes in early January, the battles will continue. The Mean Girls are on a winning streak and the recent decision of the Board not to punish them only empowers their bullying. My friends and protectors have urged me to keep my head down and to not give my bullies reason to complain. While i'll be careful, i fully expect their meanness to continue and for them to use any excuse to file grievances against me. it's easy to see why so many other women left Interclub and refuse to return, Person One included.

Am I Brave or Delusional?
A year ago, I pondered this question as i tried to gather the courage to become Laura full-time. Was I brave for making such a bold step forward or was I being delusional for thinking everything was going to turn out fine?  I've always been a planner so that when i do take a risk, i've done my homework and preparation ahead of time. The great adage, "With great risk often comes great reward" is true, but planning only goes so far. Unknown are the unseen or unexpected obstacles. I can control myself and my actions, but so much this past year as been random.
When you're trans, fear tracks you constantly, even when you're trying to be brave and holding you head up high. You wonder if you're being delusional that you could successfully transition, be fully accepted, and live a completely new life, free from consequences or harm. And yet, we make that bold decision, the great leap forward, because we feel we have no choice. I had no choice. I had locked Laura in a box for 50 years and once she got out, even though i tried many times to stuff her back into it, she wouldn't/couldn't stay hidden. She wanted to breath, to express herself, and to experience the life she'd dreamed of for decades; She may have been delusional, but it didn't matter. Becoming Laura was, in a way, necessary for her survival.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

December 1, 2021

One Year Full-Time Anniversary: Part II

Needles, Knives, and Drugs, Oh My!!!
Most of us will acquire two to three surgery's during our journey, each with their own requirements, wait times, and recovery. Willing to give Estrogen its best shot to grow my breasts, i was lucky to schedule my FFS consult just a month before i stopped E and purged my wardrobe for the last time. That consultation started the needed one year plus wait time for the surgery, so that when Laura finally gathered the courage to restart HRT for the final time, 26 months ago, I was still in the queue for surgery. COVID wreaked havoc on Kaiser's surgery schedule, but i was lucky when Kaiser called offering a cancellation in mid-August, 2020. With just one week to get ready, the majority of my time was spent preparing for this momentous surgery. I didn't have much time to worry. As it turned out, FFS, despite offering subtle results, gave me sufficient confidence for Laura to finally appear in public on September 30th, Person One's birthday.

One year ago, i received permission from Kaiser for both BA and GCS. My long-term plan, though was to give E a bit more time before visiting the boob fairy, but to begin genital electrolysis immediately because of the estimated one year it would take to complete the work. Almost immediately, though, i realized that the dysphoria i had about my facial hair was far greater than my need for GCS, so i shifted gears to focus solely on facial electrolysis and to delay bottom surgery preparation until after my face was completed. Of course that means that any potential GCS will have to wait roughly three years. I'm ok with that.

Electrolysis: Needles, Pain & Time
For me, one of the most critical and important parts of my transition was ridding Laura of her facial hair, a task i had begun five years ago, quitting  a few months into it, unhappy with my local technician. Once Kaiser granted approval to restart electrolysis, i found a wonderful technician, who was also transgender. However, her shop was located in the Bay Area, so each Tuesday morning, i leave the house at 5:30am for the 90 minute to two hour drive, depending on commute traffic. To date, I've completed just 78 hours of electrolysis, with perhaps another 150 hours ahead of me. Hair removal is time consuming and while i wish i had completed it prior to going full-time, at least i'm well into the journey.  Each two hours promises to be lightly to extremely painful, depending on the area. There are times each Tuesday that this feels like cruel and unusual punishment. Still, I look forward to each session because while progress is slow, the results are visible two hours later. This part of the journey is just as important as every other facet of my transition and like waiting for E to deliver the boob fairy, time is an important ingredient.

Ladies Interclub Luncheon
During Interclub season, our three home teams take turns hosting several Play Days where all three teams get together to play each other in a social format. Twice a year, we meet together in a formal luncheon. However, after the disaster that was my first play day and after the full-on war by the Mean Girls last month, i was feeling too scared to attend today's brunch. Part of me wanted to attend to be around my team and to meet the players on the other two teams in hopes of melting the ice. Still, i was feeling so afraid of attending, knowing that many of the women hate me, considering me not worthy because I'm trans.

Several times during the past few weeks, my captain has texted to encourage me to attend. As i thought about her encouragement and my fear, i remembered an earlier time when i conquered fear. Most of us are afraid of heights, as am I. However, as a theatre major in college participating on the lighting crew, i had to meet my fear head on. Now, to place the lighting instruments on the batten (the horizontal pole above the stage), the batten is lowered to eye level so we can just connect the instruments in the correct locations and run the wiring. However, to focus the lights, the batten is raised to performance level and to access the lights, we climb 15 feet up either a cherry picker or an A-frame ladder that has a vertical extension to reach the correct height.  As part of the crew, i had no choice but to climb up to perform my duties. What i learned that first time is that if you trust your ladder, then it's much easier to not be afraid. If i ever needed to conquer a fear, i needed to meet it head on. Remembering this story helped convince me to make the gamble to attend today's brunch.
No Risk. No Reward. I am blessed. When I arrived at the event center, roughly 10 of the 30 women had arrived and were chatting in groups. My captain, seen below in a picture with me, served as greeter and host. One of my teammates grabbed my arm and led me to a chair next to her, so i could feel more comfortable. As everyone continued arriving, we were all taking pictures, chatting in small groups, and enjoying a little alcohol. Roughly 25 of the 30 members attended and fortunately my primary bully wasn't there. 

The food was light and the conversation fun, greatly diminishing the fear i had felt. I didn't talk to everyone, but i was able to chat with a few new people who aren't on our team. No one stared or frowned. Oh, i'm certain people talked about me later, but then that's been happening from the start. What matters to me is doing my best to be friendly, listening carefully to people's stories, and being a good role model. In all, i'm so glad my captain continued to urge me to attend, and that i took the risk to participate.

[LauraE]

December 14, 2021

Christmas Celebrations
As we march towards Christmas, I've seen a variety of Interclub players holding Christmas parties and play days, posting gleefully on their FB pages. I was invited to none of these. My amazing partner, Yeng, was invited to a variety of parties, but then she's immensely likable. I never believed that those who smile at me and pretend to be friendly would included me in their groups. I know they are just the opposite when i'm not around. To that end, there are only a handful of people i trust, wonderful women who have demonstrated their kindness.

Because Laura is trying to be different from <deadname> who never accepted invitations, nor issued them, I've again invited my close friends over this Saturday for crab, ravioli, sourdough, wine and stories. I'm happy that Yeng and one of her best friends, Celeste, are coming, as well as Celeste's best friend, who i'm also friends with. To round out the group, i invited Person One, who quickly accepted. Now, this will be an interesting evening, since Person One has never socialized with my other friends, but because i feel close to all these women, i'm hoping for a wonderful evening.

I'll share our stories on Sunday.

Onward.

Laura