June 11, 2023
I owe you stories, so i'll try to make a dent in the backlog today.
Overall, i'm in the middle of what i feel is a five year journey to become Laura, Day 1 being the day i went full-time. I've written before how i feel there are two parts of transitioning: Physical, which you can begin before outing yourself, and Social/Emotional, which can only begin when you start living your authentic life. For me, HRT and FFS came before FT, but i still have years of physical work: another 1 ½ years or so of facial electrolysis (currently at 2 ½ years) and bottom surgery. The Social Emotional work has progressed nicely. I'm happier and have more friends now than at any point of my life. I do feel that i've evolved nicely but believe it will be another two years or so before i've completely painted Laura's picture. Still, all my good news stems from how my life is better since i've evolved sufficiently to enjoy being Laura.
That's not to say everything is perfect. It's not. At least 20 states have passed anti-trans legislation and we are now referred to as pedophiles and groomers by the GOP. This crusade seems to be paying off since an increasingly growing share of voters buy into their propaganda. If you aren't afraid, you should be. I mostly try to compartmentalize these events and have been fairly successful, primarily because i live in a blue state.I'm safe. For now. If the GOP ever captures congress and the presidency, they'll be coming for all of us, though.
California isn't perfect. I still have haters at my tennis club and at all the tennis clubs our teams play with. Despite years of HRT, operations, and socialization, everyday i'm stared at. Those of us who transition in our fifties and sixties are less able to become passable, so we'll always stand out,something that caused me much anxiety in the past.
I've evolved and while my journey isn't complete, i know how different i am now than i was at the beginning of going FT. I'm happy and doing my best to live my life at its fullest.
Now, where do i start?
Story Time
Hawaii
I've just returned from a 10 day stay on Hawaii's Big Island, staying at the same condo complex as last year. My 2022 trip taught me i was ready to live life, and people have begun noticing that i'm a different person, shedding some of <deadname's> less attractive qualities. I've forgiven myself for not being perfect my first 18 months FT because it takes time to shed our old skin.
Many of the condo residents remembered me from last year, and we chatted throughout my stay. Never was my transness a problem. I was just Laura to them.
Hawaii is like a second home, my father having been born in Hilo in 1925. My first wife was from Hawaii, so we frequently traveled there on vacations. Now, when i go, i only want to "chill", read, enjoy the local foods, and go on a few excursions. This time, i traveled twice to Hilo, stopping by the volcano the second time since it had just begun erupting. I also took a trip up to the top of Mauna Kea (it's highest peak at 14K feet) to view the sunset. Oh, the pictures i took this time. By the end though, i had begun feeling homesick, missing my two fur babies.
The flight back was long and i arrived back at home at 11PM Friday night.
Nora's First Baseball Game.
The next morning, i played with the 16 member tennis group that i organize each week. This group is my safe space, so only nice people get invited to play. Over the past two years, i've assembled a really great group of people.
After tennis and showering, Nora and i went to SF to watch her first baseball game, which also was Pride Day at the Giants. We both got cool pride jerseys that the team was passing out. Nora was surprised how much she enjoyed the game and commented that she wants to go again.
Interclub and a New Conversion
February and March are when tennis players pair up for the next season's team. I didn't play last year, having been turned down by 14 women. This year though, someone asked me to be their partner. (More on that later and how it may turn out to be a problem. Not now, because it deserves a long post of its own.)
Once she and I paired, she (Isa) began to invite me to sub for her team, which because of rain delays, would continue their matches into early May. (the season typically ends in early March). In all, i subbed 6 times and i'm proud that not only did i win often, but that i felt i was a much different person on the court with them. Oh, the haters are still there, both at my club and at the clubs we play, but i was perfectly nice the whole time.
New Conversion?
At the same time, one of Isa's team members began asking me to play in a foursome she assembles each week. That was a surprise mainly because she was one of my haters. Her name is Laura, too, so i'll call her LP in this story.
I knew LP from my first season of playing Interclub. Yeng and I beat her and her partner to gain entry on the team, which meant LP and her partner would be on the sidelines that season. My belief that she was a hater was later confirmed when i learned that she had blocked me on FaceBook, which is weird because she and i weren't even FB friends at the time.
Two years later, LP and I are now both on the same team so she began inviting me to play with her. During the first month or so of play, i was highly suspicious of her intentions. I know some people can pretend to be friendly in order to get dirt for their gossip, so while i was polite during these matches, i was also very cautious, even perplexed. Over time, though, as she shared intimate details of her life to me, i began to build trust with her. While i am still a bit guarded, I'm now more confident that her intentions were genuine and that she was acknowledging my evolution and my evolved personality.
This was my hope at the beginning of my transition, that people would eventually begin accepting the new me. Perhaps i tried too hard my first year, or perhaps too much of the old me was within Laura so that people had a reason to dislike me. What i do know is that i'm a very different person than i was two and a half years ago, that all my friends have noticed this, and that, with time, more people will come on board.
I'm not delusional though. I fully realize that many women at my club and at other clubs will always dislike me because i'm trans. What's different now is that i just don't care. I don't need their understanding or acceptance in order to be happy.
And that's why Laura has more friends and is happier now that she was at the beginning.
Onward,
Laura