Robby's Journey

[Pema]

These are the pieces of your post that really stood out to me:

So I am def struggling with what I think I want in terms of my ideal body goals for transitioning....

So at what point do I either try to fit myself into someone else's idea of what a female should look like or do the exact opposite and push limits of what people think females should be...

And I'm starting to find it all hypocritical....

But isn't the journey more about self love and self acceptance...

...love ourselves and be uniquely ourselves, to not try to live up to someone else's standards or idea of what a man or woman should be...

I completely agree with what Lilis and Lori have already said so eloquently. I'll add that, well, this is the world we live in - there are many different voices trying to tell us how we ought to live our lives, many of them contradictory. And that means it's up to us to do the hard work of finding out who we are, what we want for ourselves, and how to get there from where we are. The thing is, that's how it's always been; it's just that there's a lot more "noise" now to obscure our own internal signal - the one thing we should really be tuning into.

As with anything, even if you follow someone else's recipe, your result will still be uniquely yours. You can just take other people's input as: "Here's what was important to them. Is that important to me?" Think of it more as suggestions of things to consider instead of definitive "musts." Not only do you *get* to figure out for yourself what it means for you to be a woman, you *have* to. Nobody else can do it for you.

I'm in a very similar same place right now. I know I'll never be someone who wears dresses or paints my nails. The women I've always been attracted to were more rugged "tomboys," and that's clearly much more in line with who I am. I'm sure if I'd been born female, a lot of people would have told me I needed to do more to be perceived as more feminine. I'd have told them to go pound sand.

Nobody is in a better position than you to decide what it means for you to be a woman. I encourage you to own that right proudly.

[Robbyv213]

Thanks for all the helpful insights, advice, and thought provocative responses.

[Robbyv213]

So things have been feeling like they are going down hill again.

My wife has been getting extremely aggravated, anxiety and stress running high at all times, having bad dreams. Seems like it has only gotten or gets worse when I try to explore and or express myself in terms of transitioning wants and needs.

A few weeks ago I feel we had a break through conversation and now I feel like that never happened. I feel that I can't share or express anything to my wife on things I want or need (and not just in terms of transitioning) but in life in general. I feel I can't communicate anything without it being turned into a debate or argument.

More recently I feel like I have been getting guilted into not going to the gym, since she knows I'm actively trying to change my appearance through working out, cardio and nutrition.

So typically I'd go to the gym at 3am. Usually wake up at 230 get out of bed and ready as quietly as possible and then head out. I used to kiss her before I left but she wanted me to stop since it would wake her up and she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. So I've stopped that but now I just text letting her know I made it and when I leave to return home.

It seems like at least 2 or 3 times a week for the last few months I wake up to get ready and she's up, can't sleep.. anxiety is high or had a bad dream what ever the case is I end up not going to help her get back to sleep. And now last night it boiled over.

Last night like clock work she's already up pretty.much waiting for me to stir and wake up, and then bam anxiety emotions and crying. At this point I'm feeling like I'm being emotionally manipulated bc she doesn't want me to transition and or to do anything that moves me down the path.

So I try to help her and console her try to get her to talk and open up etc. And she doesn't. She won't do anything not even acknowledge me trying to help. So i get up and start to get ready.

Ultimately I leave for the gym and my phone blows up with texts about how I am a bad husband for leaving his grieving wife to go to the gym, even after I had expressed that the gym is something I need to do for my health and mental wellness the day before. So I leave and go home and try again to get her to talk about it and console .her and yet again nothing. Saying she just wants to try to get back to sleep and doesn't want to talk about it, and says do what you need to do. So I get up and leave again.

Is this manipulation or am I wrong. This have been going on in all aspects of our relationship for as long as I can remember. Granted I know the memory is funny and can play tricks on you, making things seem one way when they are actually another.

I just feel like I am always giving in and not doing what I need to do for myself while always supporting her when ever she needs or wants to do something for herself.

And of course this leads to a fight and now I'm pretty much the bad guy since I'm bring up all the things I never allow myself to say in the moment. That I'm the manipulative one and emotionally immature one.

Like I'm seriously over it all. Like I'm one more argument away from saying I'm done,.I want a divorce.

Am I wrong, is my ego in the way and what I feel and my perception of things not how it really is?

I love her and I know she loves me, but I just feel that we are not good for one another and never have been, it's just more apparent now.

[Lilis]

Robin,

It sounds like you're navigating an incredibly intense emotional landscape in a relationship where many of your core needs are going unmet.

From what you've shared, emotional manipulation does seem to be present, though not necessarily with malicious intent. It may be coming from emotional immaturity, fear, or unresolved issues on your wife's part.

There's clearly a lot going on between you both, and if you're unable to find common ground or a path toward compromise, couples counseling might be a helpful step.

I wish I could offer more, but I'm not qualified to give clinical advice.

Still, I encourage you to seek professional guidance to help you both sort through the emotional layers at play.

You might also consider inviting her to these SO forums if you feel it would help her see things from your perspective, just be mindful to edit or remove anything that might feel hurtful or overly negative before sharing the space with her.

Whatever happens, I wish you clarity and healing.

Separation, if it comes to that, is always painful and can have long lasting emotional impacts.

But sometimes it's the only path to individual growth and peace.

Take care of yourself.

~ Lilis 🫂

[Pema]

Hi, Robin. I'm so sorry that things have taken a turn for the worse with your wife.

I agree with everything Lilis has already said. I think counseling is a sensible next step to try to find a way for you and your wife to get to a place of seeking harmony instead of conflict. It sounds like you're willing to do your part, but she is not. It's unlikely that you can change that on your own.

My wife is very supportive and we are very aligned in our desire to move through life together. Even so, we have our days when one or both of us is "off" somehow, and we just don't click. The goal is to recognize when that happens, acknowledge that we do want to meet one another, and try to shift out of conflict back toward empathy. That can be challenging for us, so it's even more difficult without that shared intention. So, again, if you and she would be willing to go to counseling, I think it's a very good idea.

Hang in there. Remember that it's a lot for her to process, but it's not up to you to keep her comfortable. Change can be really unsettling, and we live in a world that is pretty unsettling already.

As they say, the only way out is through.

[Robbyv213]

Another day and another sleepless night for my wife.

She is definitely dealing with a lot of emotional stuff and on top of everyday normal issues she has a husband who wants to become a woman so as you all know and probably have experienced it is a challenging time especially on her part since she did not ask or sign up for this.

I feel that we communicate better through texting unfortunately. Usually one of us says something along the lines of hey I don't know how to say this but it's easier for me to communicate what I'm thinking and feeling through text so the next few texts may be extremely long-winded and I hope you don't take it the wrong way yada yada yada and then we tend to voice whatever we need to voice.

We did that today she talked about the other night and expressing her concerns about already seeing things that she thinks is impacting her negatively and is concerned for my health as well.

I also responded in a text basically stating that my entire life I've been lying to myself not able to accept who I truly am and what my heart has been desiring. That before all this boiled over I was just existing and not living a fulfilled life and that I couldn't be truly happy because I wasn't allowing myself to be truly who I am which leads to depression and thoughts of suicide.

And that now after everything has come out over a year ago and even with the small little things that I've been doing that I'm not as sad or depressed anymore that I feel like there's actually hope for a future and hope for all the wonderful possibilities that the future may have for me and that I'm actually for once excited to live life all because of that one hope of what the future may be living as a woman and that none of this depression beforehand and feeling happyish but not fulfilled had anything to do with our relationship or her that it's been internalized for as long as I can remember that I was just on autopilot just existing getting through the day.

And that basically for a lack of a better phrase that I've been lying to myself all my life not able to accept truly who I am and what I am. And that my heart truly desires and lungs for me to take this path and journey.

And so with her response once again that our relationship is headed towards divorce just in a slower manner. That she restated she's not a lesbian doesn't want to be married to a woman and is not sexually interested or attracted to women. Which I completely understand and that is who she is and I do not hold that against her.

She said the most heartbreaking thing is that it seems that neither of us can be what the other one needs so that they can be happy and healthy and that our marriage will most likely end not because of a lack of Love or a lack of trying to make things work but mainly because we aren't what the other person needs and won't be able to give them what they need as wife or husband.

And that's basically where we're at at this point....