Life Of Michelle K

[Dances With Trees]

Fingers crossed all goes well with your 'stone' surgery and estrogen. Impressive weight loss, Michelle. I never could shout down the voices in my head. I just quit listening to them.

[Michelle_K]

My provider at the VA health in St Cloud is a nurse practitioner. I had a pulmonary lung function test and later got a letter from her stating that I don't have asthma or COPD. At my yearly appointment I showed her the mild emphysema written on the CT lung exam. I was told that it doesn't mean anything, it gets put on all of them. It can only be diagnosed with the pulmonary lung test. I did ask for an autism test, which was referred. I was told that it will be a four hour test. And I got a referral for a podiatrist, finally after how many years, I will get my yellow toenails taken care of. With her attitude, I doubt I could get a referral for a lung doctor
Some of this is a matter of remembering to mention it at my appointment, and I forgot to mention the shingles and RSV vaccinations.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

I once heard that family arguments are never about the subject of the argument. That would mean the argument about my dad drinking was not about his consumption of alcohol. But rather he disobeyed her when she told him to stop drinking. In other words it was all about control.

Some of this stuff gets very confusing. When feminine panties ended up in my laundry, my mother made some comment that they looked nice. When I grew my hair long, nothing was said. When I pierced my ears, it was men wear earrings. When my denim shirt got a bleach burn in the washing machine, she cut a red heart out of a iron on patch to repair it.
I had been going to therapy and one day someone else was there, I was told that masturbation was proof that I enjoyed being a man, and was not transgender. The therapist controlled the estrogen and surgeries, but did not control what I wore or which restroom I used.
At one point a rumor went around about me seeking a sex change operation. My mother heard the rumor and I had to explain things. I was not wearing makeup or lipstick, that was the natural color of my lips, all it takes is a ChapStik to make it look like I have lipstick. I only put clear nail polish on my nails. When asked about my wanting surgery I said I had thought about it. I was told that I better think about it for a long time.
I figured fifty years should be long enough. I had been wearing a woman's ring and forgot to take it off before going downstairs to the kitchen. My mother grabbed my hand, looked at the ring and slapped my face. She never said a word as I went back upstairs. I guess that was when I detransitioned, boxed everything up until I would be allowed to transition again.

Some time later I was again at a therapist, when I mentioned that I wanted to move out. I said that I was afraid my mother would move in with my. The therapist said don't let her. I never did mention that my mother gets physically abusive, the only way to avoid the abuse is to avoid conflict.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

Being left handed, I now see Facebook posts about being left handed. I never really understood until now about meeting people on a sidewalk or other times. Being left handed I move to the left, The other person being right handed will move to their right.
I can't really say the the direction I go in a store has anything to do with my being left handed, but I do seem to be going against the traffic. Might be more that I know where what I want is at, and just head in that direction. Really confusing is Menards in Hutchinson seems to be a mirror image of the Willmar store.

It may also be that I would lead off with the wrong foot for dancing, but learning to square dance in grade school would have made it habit to lead off with the proper foot. That habit extending to the military where I would start with the proper foot.

Then there is Leonardo da Vinci's mirror writing. It is such a mystery. But, maybe not really a mystery. Being myself left handed, it was very natural to do the mirror writing with my left hand, when I tried it. I don't need a mirror to read it either. The whole mystery might be that he was left handed.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

At some point in my life I decided to switch back to being left handed. To purposely put my eating utensils into my left hand and learn how to use them with my left. Kind of transition I guess. I can eat with either hand, I can cut my food with the right hand and use the fork with my left or reverse it to cut my food with the left and eat with my right.

Writing was a bit more difficult. I would have to learn everything, as I was not experienced using my left hand to write. Although, mirroring the motions of my right hand did result in backwards or mirror writing. I realized learning to write with my left hand could take a long time.
I don't know if I learned to tie my shoes with a left handed bow. It seems to me, that if my mother taught me how to tie my shoes, it might have ended up from her side it looked like it was right handed, but from my side it would be left handed. I don't know if there is any emotional healing by going back to using my left hand, or if using my right hand causes any dysphoria.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

I wet the bed as a child, either a result of being sexually molested or the result of a physical problem. Thus there should be no shame.
Later in my dreams, I would enter the girls rest room and could not pee with all the girls around. I would then wake up and go use the bathroom. I never thought it could be turned around. Last night in my dream, I needed to use the restroom. I dreamed I entered the men's restroom and could not pee because of all the men around. I then woke up and used my bathroom.

With my autism things can get quite literal, It can't be a bathroom because there is no bathtub. So I use the term restroom. More accurate would be public toilets, or just toilets. Maybe, because I was in the army I should use the term latrine, but not everyone would understand what that means. I guess in the UK they are call loos. Even at home I hesitate to call it a bathroom as there is a shower instead of a bathtub.

The not being able to pee with men around probably doesn't mean much, since my whole life has been that way. And it may be the result of what happened in the boys restroom in grade school. I remember being spun around as I was peeing, anything after that is blank. The boy was the son of a teacher.

I have on occasion, dreamed that I was peeing, but would quickly wake up. I was not wetting the bed, everything was dry.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

I'm not always signed in when I am here, most time I'm here as a guest. So I am reading other posts as a guest. I was reading about the bathroom issue. I'm going to be in a unique situation. After bladder surgery, I will have a catheter, with a collection bag on my leg. To use the restroom I will have to stand with my foot on the toilet seat as the bag drains into the toilet. The sound will be very much different from someone seated on a toilet.

I hesitate to post to in other conversations, to me it is like butting into someone else's conversation, where I might not be welcomed.
Michelle

[Lori Dee]

I hesitate to post to in other conversations, to me it is like butting into someone else's conversation, where I might not be welcomed.

Don't ever feel that way, Michelle! Your experiences, thoughts, and comments are most welcome anywhere in this forum. You are a member in good standing, and we WANT to hear from you.

Don't be bashful. You are one of us!

[Dances With Trees]

butting into someone else's conversation, where I might not be welcomed.

Michelle, my daughter is autistic and I learn so much whenever she butts in. Please, butt in especially when I'm engaged in the topic. You say things so clearly even I can understand them. I follow several blogs inside Susan's but seldom 'feel' the depth or breadth of their inner lives the way I do reading your blog.

[Pema]

I want to add my voice to the others. Michelle, you are more than welcome to join in other discussions. We'd love to hear anything you want to add.

[Lilis]

I'm not always signed in when I am here, most time I'm here as a guest. So I am reading other posts as a guest. I was reading about the bathroom issue. I'm going to be in a unique situation. After bladder surgery, I will have a catheter, with a collection bag on my leg. To use the restroom I will have to stand with my foot on the toilet seat as the bag drains into the toilet. The sound will be very much different from someone seated on a toilet.

I hesitate to post to in other conversations, to me it is like butting into someone else's conversation, where I might not be welcomed.
Michelle

Michelle, your post is fine, it's not advocacy in the way the SO forum defines it.

You are simply speaking from your own upcoming experience, and that kind of personal reflection is completely welcome there.

~ Lilis 🫂

[Michelle_K]

I still have a lot to unlearn. If someone butts in when I am talking, I will loose track of what I was saying. My mother had a rule that we were not to butt in when she was talking, it did not go the other way. She would interrupt when anybody else was talking. If she interrupted when I was talking, I would then go silent. I used to comment that she had two rules. 1. Don't interrupt when she is talking. 2. Stop talking when she interrupts.
I read or it was a video, something about autism and being mute. I understood then that it had nothing to do with her rules. I can't talk and process what I hear at the same time, especially being hearing impaired. It's like, by the time I figure out what they are talking about, they have moved to another subject.

My mother had mentioned that my learning to speak was delayed. I wonder if part of that was being an only child until I was about 4, and being shoved out the door, to play outside. No interaction with other people. Then there was the tv, also called the electronic baby sitter. You can't learn how to have a conversation sitting in front of the tv.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

My urologist has stated, after my mentioning Klinefelter, that I can be referred to another urologist that knows more about Klinefelter. The other urologist will still be in the CentraCare system, but first we take care of the bladder stone.
I have heard of men going to a urologist for infertility, and The urologist tells by just looking that they have Klinefelter syndrome. It is the first time they have been diagnosed with Klinefelter syndrome.

And the endocrinologist that I got sent to for estrogen, when I mentioned Klinefelter, told me it would have been caught when I was born, and would be in my records. Since it is not in my records, then it is not possible for me to have Klinefelter syndrome. I think she also sent me to a therapist to get a gender dysfunction diagnosis when it was already in my records. I was not concerned about the side effects of estrogen because they are the symptoms of Klinefelter syndrome that I already suffer from. Why should I be concerned about estrogen causing erectile dysfunction when I have had that for the past 30 years? And, I have a problem with discussing male sexual problems with a female doctor.

I am hoping that the Urologist will be someone I can discuss my symptoms with and has the authority to order the keryotype test. At this point I would not be surprised if I turned out to be a XX-male.
Michelle

[Dances With Trees]

You are simply speaking from your own upcoming experience, and that kind of personal reflection is completely welcome there.

I wish I had your gift, Lilis, for seeing through the ribcage.

I would not be surprised if I turned out to be a XX-male.

And dear Michelle, you may very well be leading edge of the evolution of 'man'. I hear the Y chromosome is disappearing. Sometimes (and no offense to 'men') I think it can't go away soon enough.

[Lilis]

My urologist has stated, after my mentioning Klinefelter, that I can be referred to another urologist that knows more about Klinefelter. The other urologist will still be in the CentraCare system, but first we take care of the bladder stone.
I have heard of men going to a urologist for infertility, and The urologist tells by just looking that they have Klinefelter syndrome. It is the first time they have been diagnosed with Klinefelter syndrome.

And the endocrinologist that I got sent to for estrogen, when I mentioned Klinefelter, told me it would have been caught when I was born, and would be in my records. Since it is not in my records, then it is not possible for me to have Klinefelter syndrome. I think she also sent me to a therapist to get a gender dysfunction diagnosis when it was already in my records. I was not concerned about the side effects of estrogen because they are the symptoms of Klinefelter syndrome that I already suffer from. Why should I be concerned about estrogen causing erectile dysfunction when I have had that for the past 30 years? And, I have a problem with discussing male sexual problems with a female doctor.

I am hoping that the Urologist will be someone I can discuss my symptoms with and has the authority to order the keryotype test. At this point I would not be surprised if I turned out to be a XX-male.
Michelle

Hi Michelle, I read somewhere that many people with Klinefelter syndrome go undiagnosed until adolescence or even adulthood. So I'd say it's a red flag that your endocrinologist claimed it would've been caught at birth, that's just not true in many cases.

I can relate, too. I've had decreased libido, erectile issues, gynecomastia, and low muscle tone. No matter how much I worked out, I never really toned up the way others did. So before I started estrogen, I didn't see those effects as risks either, they were already part of my life as well.

All of my doctors are women, and honestly, I've found them to be really supportive when it comes to discussing my sexual health. These days, we're even starting to compliment each other's nails, body hair, breast growth, and all those "women things," lol.

It's been unexpectedly affirming.

As for the XX-male possibility, yeah, it's extremely rare, but not impossible.

And if getting a karyotype test gives you peace of mind, I say go for it.

From what I was told, you don't necessarily need a specialist; your primary care provider should be able to order it.

Just ask and see what they say.

Wishing you clarity and answers, Michelle.

I really hope you get to the bottom of this soon.

For me, I've chosen to identify as intersex based on my lived experience, no test needed, and that's totally okay with me.


~ Lilis 🫂🌷