Older late 50's hello from Oregon

[mickib]

I desperately seek community and help, and acceptance and I hope for friendship.

I'm posting cause I just don't know where to post or what to do with me.

I'm 57 Divorced as of February. AMAB, and non transitioning at this time. I live just South of Portland Oregon.  United States. I work in Cyber Security, I have been alone my entire life, friends have come and gone.

I have had 3 long term relationships all with beautiful cis women. All failed, last relationship we were together 21 years. Raised a family. All that. We divorced, we are friends. It is for the better.

My origin story is probably like many. But I didn't really know about transgender as an identity until about 10 years ago. At that moment it was an aha for me..that explains everything. LOL and It stuck, resonated, lightning struck me...that.

In the last 10 years I went through a lot of loss, my parents, my ex's parents, my dog, my job, a friend, my brother's son to drugs. Just a lot of loss.

Fast forward 10 years to 2025.. I'm divorced. And trying to figure me out.

So what am I doing here? And what am I seeking, I think I need to start by telling about my journey and frustrations and failures to transition.

I live in Portland Oregon and work from home.

I have been seeing a counselor (zoom calls), and to be real, we rowed in a circle, touched on work, divorce, hurt feelings, everything BUT the elephant in the room that I'm transgender and in the closet and had decided not to transition and am struggling. So I told them nicely in email that I was done with counseling for now and thanked them for their help. I don't think they were a gender counselor...though they said they helped with that area. I suspect I was a paycheck to them.

So I went back to the insurance site, with critical eyes looking for someone with a bit more professional skill. And I  looked up board certified 'MD psychiatrist'/therapist, that specialize in gender dysphoria and gender identity and transition. At first I couldn't find ANYONE that works with "Gender Dysphoria" or "Gender Identity". Which in and of itself was frustrating. So I worked backwards, found a local contact and then went back to insurance and put their name in and yup they came up as recognized. Weird but ok..found someone.

So I called them to make an appointment and the first day they have is August. 2 months...

Sigh.... So I took it because I needed help. Real help, not just "lets talk" help. I honestly feel like if I don't get help soon, I'm done. Create a will, exit stage left.

My life I feel is ruined. I have no friends, I'm divorced because of my dysphoria, according to my ex, I'm not a "Man" to her anymore. Ok... I Get that to a point. I thought love didn't diminish but allowed one to shine and grow. And I thought that a marriage was more than my genitalia. Guess not. But at the same time I do not wish to diminish her either.  Yet to be real, she was toxic to me, diminished me, and I was a giving tree, to the point of nothing left of me. I always gave in every argument, I always bent the knee and I was always the peace bringer and the one that said "I'm sorry" many times when I Wasn't at fault. I just wanted peace between us.

Trying to figure myself out...I also learned that I am HARD CORE CoDependent....

 So...divorce was good for me in the sense that I can now grow, untethered, without having to seek permission from another.

Ok... about being Transgender and my failure to transition.

In the past I tried using an online service to get HRT... The doctor video called me and I swear..they smirked when they first saw my 'full on guy' mode and (older) face. In recollection I'm sure of it. And I'm sure they are used to seeing people in their 20's and 30's. Sigh....   That hurt, and  I pretended I didn't see it..cause I was desperate for HRT, but it was there. We talked for about 5 minutes... and I got my HRT prescription and started it, and I did it for about 5 weeks and then I was done, it made me feel worse, not better. so....depressed, angry, I don't know. I just stopped everything, threw away everything and was done, clothes, wigs, makeup, everything. But this desire to transition...remains.. I thought I could bury it again..afterall I have ignored and buried it my entire life. Just do it again right...

But I am finding gender dysphoria is like hanging from a wet rope..trying to hold on... gripping it.. And everytime I think about transitioning ... .I slide a bit more. And a bit more... I can't seem to come to peace with NOT transitioning. I can't seem to let it go.

I am very frustrated because I feel I have a need for help now. And August to see a specialist in gender issues is the soonest I can get help..  and...Dam. I worry that the HRT could have worked had I had the right HRT, the right blockers (they gave me none), the right support(no mental counseling support). I didn't really have support online.. HRT. Yet....at the same time I tried to get HRT locally and couldn't even get an appointment to see anyone. FML.

And then there is the passing issues, I am bald, have adams apple, great amount of facial hair. I'm a dude. And handsome... so then I'm like I would require soooo muccccch woooork to change and the costs I figure is probably 150k at least..where is that coming from when I want to retire soon? Uggg.

And to be real I want love and companionship and sex and I desire to pass and to be recognized as a woman, and to be real I should have started 30 years ago. I feel f'd...



I don't even know what to expect or how anyone could help here. But I suppose it helps just to write about my experiences. If you read this far, thanks for listening and sorry but there it is. I wish I could talk to someone sooner than august. I wish I could find someone that would take an active interest and help me do this. No magic wand I guess. And everything requires $$ and networking it seems.

Ok... I'll stop here... sorry.. It's a lot...and I'm not used to asking for help

[Northern Star Girl]

@mickib
Dear mickib:
I am very excited that you registered today as a new member and
this is your very first posting here on the Susan's Place Forum...
... all of us on the Forum are very glad that you found us and that you are now here
to share your story.  You will definitely find like-minded members here and you will
find lots of information and support from the Susan's Place site and from our members.

As you get more involved in reading other members postings and threads, and then post
your own comments and thoughts you will most likely find that you will make some friends
here that your have commonality with.

Here on the Forum we have members coming from all backgrounds and with a variety of experiences.
Many of our transitioning members started at ages older than yourself, so you are not alone.

I am wishing you a Warm Welcome to Susan's Place!

I look forward to your involvement on the Forum and reading your
future postings, comments and thoughts.

I will now let you get back to getting involved in the various conversations around
the Forum... there should be some additional like-minded members coming along
to greet you and to help answer any questions that you may have.

When you click on the HOME button, you will see a page that lists all of the various sub-forums
by category and topic. Each sub-forum has a description of what that Forum is about, as well as any
guidelines for posting.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and
the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

Read carefully the information in the LINKS at the end of this message.
                            Pay special attention to the LINKS in RED.

NOTE:  Until your reach the posting threshold of 15 posts you will not be able to send
Forum Private Messages and you will not be able to upload your Avatar Profile photo.
Until then, if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forum, please feel free
to contact me at my Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Things that you should read

• New Members... Please Read this First
• Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By
• Standard Terms & Definitions
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• News posting & quoting guidelines
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Warmest Regards, and WELCOME
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]    E-Mail: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com
The Forum Administrator
                              The FORUM Moderator Team
                              @Sarah B
                              @LoriDee
                              @Devlyn
                              @Jessica_Rose
                              @Mariah

                              @Northern Star Girl [Danielle] The Forum Administrator

[Lori Dee]

Hello Micki,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction.

We strive to make this a safe space for you to find information and share your thoughts and comments. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

I can relate to your experiences. There are some suggestions I would make that may help. First off, seeking a therapist as you did is crucial. They can help in so many ways. I understand that August seems far away, but there are things you can do in the meantime.

In our Support Groups Forum, we have a number of available resources online, via phone call, or chat. Specifically, THIS POST.

These are services that are free of charge, and they can help you locate someone in your area. As for HRT, it is very important that you be under the care of a physician during the process. Yes, hormones can make you feel differently, but a physician can monitor your hormone levels to determine if you are getting the correct amount.

Transitioning and "passing" is NOT the goal. Read that again. Transitioning is a process that takes years. There is no requirement for anyone to do so. Many of our members have no desire to transition for a variety of reasons (financial, health issues, family issues, etc.). The only person who can determine if it is right for you is YOU. And that decision can only come when you have really explored what you want and why you want it. Again, that is where the therapist comes in.

There are many stories here, and a lot of helpful information that can help you understand what you are experiencing.

When you click on the HOME button, you will see a page listing all of the various sub-forums by category and topic. Each sub-forum has a description outlining its purpose, as well as any guidelines for posting.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

I will add links below that are important for new and returning members. Pay special attention to the links in RED.

Until then, if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at  LoriDee605@outlook.com

Once again, welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff

Things that you should read

• New Members... Please Read this First
• Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By
• Standard Terms & Definitions
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
• News posting & quoting guidelines
• Photo, avatars, & signature images
• Site Policies and stuff to remember
• Cautionary Note
• Membership Agreement

@mickib
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[TanyaG]

I don't even know what to expect or how anyone could help here. But I suppose it helps just to write about my experiences. If you read this far, thanks for listening and sorry but there it is. I wish I could talk to someone sooner than august. I wish I could find someone that would take an active interest and help me do this. No magic wand I guess. And everything requires $$ and networking it seems.

Welcome Mickib,

Where go you went many of us once and some of us are still on the journey. You've achieved something you're not counting as a win, which is to begin accept you are trans, but even as you are still settling in with that realisation, the good news is that the most important battle of all needn't cost anything. To win it you need to become easy with the idea that your gender identity doesn't match the one you've lived all your life up till now. Become happy with that and all the other battles will become infinitely easier.

There's plenty to read here and you could start with this post on my blog which is about why discovering we are trans is so confusing!

[ChrissyRyan]

Welcome Micki!

Chrissy

[Pema]

Welcome @mickib. You opened your introduction perfectly by saying this:

I desperately seek community and help, and acceptance and I hope for friendship.

You've made the right choice by coming to Susan's Place. You will find all of those things here.

While everyone's experience is unique, there is a surprising amount of overlap to all of our stories. We all have had to come to terms with acknowledging that what we feel about who we are doesn't fit with the accepted options society has offered us. Then we've had to confront the consequences of embracing the truth of who we really are. It's an extremely challenging path.

I'm so sorry you're going through so much turmoil. Please know that it's common - and it's not only survivable but a much happier way of life is available to you by pushing through it. All of us here are working through a version of something similar and are delighted to count you as a member of our community.

Sending you love and support,
Pema

[mickib]

Lori,

Thank you for the reply and shares. I'll look at the support link. I would like to find a group near me I could maybe sit in on. August does seem like forever.

Hormones...wrecked me.. and I feel like they just werent dialed in. I work out everyday too and I honestly think they were wearing off mid week or something, or my testosterone from working out was higher, or something. it wasn't good. I WANT them to work... and I WANT them to work fast and well...but they didn't my nipples got sore..and I was emotional wreck and didn't feel good.  I would like it to work for me. I'll start in Aug, maybe they can help me with an endo that can help me get started.. I'd rather start sooner again. than later.


>>There is no requirement for anyone to do so. Many of our members have no desire to transition for a variety of reasons (financial, health issues, family issues, etc.). The only person who can determine if it is right for you is YOU. And that decision can only come when you have really explored what you want and why you want it. Again, that is where the therapist comes in.

I'm hoping to finally have someone that can help me actually transition or come to peace with detransition, which is the state I'm at...at the moment..but its bothering me... cause I want to do physically change.

TY.. I'll start looking around and appreciate your reaching out. TY

[mickib]

Another newbee question.

How do I add a picture to my profile? I can't figure it out.

[ChrissyRyan]

Another newbee question.

How do I add a picture to my profile? I can't figure it out.

You have to wait until you post at least 15 messages.
Then you can edit your profile.


See all the New Member information files as you may find all kinds of info.

https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,549.0.html

[Lori Dee]

Just to be clear, hormones are not the only way to transition. They are a more natural way, but top and bottom surgery can also provide the changes you seek. Most guidelines require at least one year of hormone therapy before surgery can be recommended, but the guidelines also state that the requirement can be waived if hormone therapy is not an option.

I am not a doctor, but your symptoms indicate to me that there was something off about your hormone levels. That could be for a variety of reasons. It took me four years and two endocrinologists before we figured out that I am a fast metabolizer. My body was processing and eliminating them before they could do the work. Consequently, my hormone levels were too low. We changed brands, dose levels, and even switched from oral to patches, and finally to injections. Now, finally, my levels are where they need to be.

Hopefully, you can get in with an endocrinologist who can monitor your levels to check to see if your dosages need to be tweaked. That is crucial for the first six months or so.

Definitely check out the Support Groups resources and other forums here. Maybe some of your questions will get answered. If not, feel free to ask. We have many members here with a ton of real-life experience.

[Northern Star Girl]

 @mickib
Dear Mickib:

Per my Welcome message reply to you I had stated:

  "NOTE:  Until your reach the posting threshold of 15 posts you will not be able to send
Forum Private Messages and you will not be able to upload your Avatar Profile photo.
Until then, if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forum, please feel free
to contact me at my Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com"

Warmly, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator

Another newbee question.

How do I add a picture to my profile? I can't figure it out.

[Maid Marion]

Welcome Mickib!

Maybe what you really want is a woman who will love you if you present as a woman?

You don't want to transition into what you think your partner will want, only to discover she wanted you just the way you were!

Marion

[Lilis]

Hey Mickib,

Welcome to Susan's Place! 💗


~ Lilis 🫂

[Northern Star Girl]

@mickib
Please take the time to carefully read the important and informative LINKS at the end
of the Welcome Messages given to you by @Lori Dee and myself
right after your posted introduction message. 
You will find important details that you and all new members need to know.

Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

[tgirlamg]

Welcome Aboard Mickib!

As other have indicated there are lots of ways to build a life that serves you far better than where you currently find yourself... I agree with @Lori Dee about hormones needing to be monitored and dialed in well to find the happy spot... 🤗

Most all here see parts of their journey reflected in parts of yours... we all have many common threads yet each of our paths, and answers, to how to make our life one that better connects us to our soul's needs... to others... and to life are unique to each of us.🌻

I can't tell you what your answers are but I can tell you that you have landed in a beautiful spot here to continue searching for them and... I can tell you your answers will be worth all your good efforts to seek out!🌻

Wishing you all good things as you find yourself way forward... May your journey be blessed! 🙏

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

[ChrissyRyan]

Just to be clear, hormones are not the only way to transition. They are a more natural way, but top and bottom surgery can also provide the changes you seek. Most guidelines require at least one year of hormone therapy before surgery can be recommended, but the guidelines also state that the requirement can be waived if hormone therapy is not an option.

I am not a doctor, but your symptoms indicate to me that there was something off about your hormone levels. That could be for a variety of reasons. It took me four years and two endocrinologists before we figured out that I am a fast metabolizer. My body was processing and eliminating them before they could do the work. Consequently, my hormone levels were too low. We changed brands, dose levels, and even switched from oral to patches, and finally to injections. Now, finally, my levels are where they need to be.

Hopefully, you can get in with an endocrinologist who can monitor your levels to check to see if your dosages need to be tweaked. That is crucial for the first six months or so.

Definitely check out the Support Groups resources and other forums here. Maybe some of your questions will get answered. If not, feel free to ask. We have many members here with a ton of real-life experience.

Lori makes good points.  It may take a while to get zeroed in to what works for you.
Your physicians will monitor and manage.  Make sure they have a record of all your medicines and herbals you may be taking to check for potential interactions.  Medical conditions you have also for sure need to made known, but it is assumed your doctors have your medical history.

Wishing you the best results,


Chrissy

[mickib]

Welcome Mickib!

Maybe what you really want is a woman who will love you if you present as a woman?

You don't want to transition into what you think your partner will want, only to discover she wanted you just the way you were!

Marion

yes exactly! I do

[mickib]

@mickib
Dear Mickib:

Per my Welcome message reply to you I had stated:

  "NOTE:  Until your reach the posting threshold of 15 posts you will not be able to send
Forum Private Messages and you will not be able to upload your Avatar Profile photo.
Until then, if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forum, please feel free
to contact me at my Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com"

Warmly, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator

oh I see it now.. I'm going blind.. ty.

[April Marie]

Welcome Mickib! As someone who was almost 70 before finding myself, you are never too late to find happiness. Transition is a spectrum, not a fixed point and means different things to different people. A therapist can help you figure out what's right for you and then help set your path in that direction.

You've found a safe place with many amazing people.