Indecision during transition

[shanetastic]

I've had ocassional major doubts.

I've contemplated stopping transition two times since I've started it.  Those times I would consider it some occasional major doubts, if you ask me. 

The problem for me when I first started transitioning, was that like I thought that I will/could never live a normal life if I chose this path.  That I would always be some man CDing fulltime or something.  To this day I still do believe that somewhat, but really, I don't know why, but I can put it behind me easier now.

The first time I stopped transition for like 4 days, what a successful attempt huh? lol.  I just got sick of having to be this one dumb person that had to deal with this, and I didn't want to deal with it.  Like, on one end of the spectrum, I wanted to jump in this and get going, then when I did I wanted to fight it and stop and live happily as a guy.

I have a couple pretty major indecisions during transition, but overall, I kept going and just kept hoping for a happier day.  And as of right now, even though the whole deal with hormones/transition is dragging it's feet with me, at least I'm happy and content to some extent.  I still have a lot of stuff to work through, but at least I can tell myself what I'm doing is right, and I don't want to look back anymore.  Sure, everyone has bad days, but I mean they keep getting more scarce the further you go it seems; for me at least.

[Audrey]

TBH when I first started hormone therapy, everyday for about the first month, every morning I thought to myself "Now is this what I really want".  Then I would usually think for a while about the implications.  After about ten errr... five minutes of reflection I took my pills.     Best thing I have ever done.

Audrey

[Seshatneferw]

Little Miss Grammer here.  The "die is cast" is to be permanent, as the die can not be changed once cut.  Dice can always be rolled again.

Then again, 'the die is cast' is usually viewed as a translation of Caesar's classical line 'alea iacta est'. In that context, taking his army out of his designated territory was throwing the dice; the outcome of that throw could be seen after the resulting civil war against Pompeius. So, yes, it is about dice instead of dies, and the idea is that once you throw the die you are committed to seeing the results of that throw. A new roll won't change the outcome of the original one.

  Nfr
  off-topic grammarian 

[lady amarant]

I have no doubt that transition is the right course for me - staying the way I am is a short road to Perdition.

My doubts come from being afraid that I won't transition well, that I'll end up somewhere inbetween. So really, for me it's not a question of doubt between "transition or stay the same" as much as a question around "transition or die".

And no folks, I'm not about to jump in front of a bus! 

[Berliegh]

TBH when I first started hormone therapy, everyday for about the first month, every morning I thought to myself "Now is this what I really want".  Then I would usually think for a while about the implications.  After about ten errr... five minutes of reflection I took my pills.     Best thing I have ever done.

Audrey

Hon...if I looked as good as you it would be more clear cut for me as well...
I think you've pretty much nailed it....you look great!

[Rachael]

Little Miss Grammer here.  The "die is cast" is to be permanent, as the die can not be changed once cut.  Dice can always be rolled again.

and btw Tekla love, its GrammAR not er, fallen on your own sword dearie

RE the topic: nope, not one doubt, unless doubting your will to live counts.
R >

[Dora]

My doubts have been that I think I don't look physically female enough and I feel limited in what can be achieved from a gender change. Some days I feel very confident and others I think I still don't cut it. I'm quite realistic and observant about it all...

Same here, Berliegh. I have no doubt on who I am and where I need to be/go but I do doubt my ability to pull it off successfully. I get depressed and very overwhelmed at times but I then calm myself down by saying to myself "baby steps -- remember, baby steps."

Someone posted recently the following quote from their therapist. (Sorry I don't remember who.)

"When you are ready to lose everything, you are ready to transition.  That doesn't mean you WILL lose everything, just that you have to be prepared to do so."

Some seem to be able to make this decision without even thinking twice about it. Me? I'm getting there - just taking a little longer is all.

Dora

[lady amarant]

Little Miss Grammer here.  The "die is cast" is to be permanent, as the die can not be changed once cut.  Dice can always be rolled again.

and btw Tekla love, its GrammAR not er, fallen on your own sword dearie

RE the topic: nope, not one doubt, unless doubting your will to live counts.
R >

And it's a stunning return serve ... the crowd goes wild!!!

You two are just too much...

[NicholeW.]

And it's a stunning return serve ... the crowd goes wild!!!

You two are just too much...

Nope, Simone, not yet they aren't.

Once either gets to be 'too much' there are mods.

N~

[Shandralyn Alaia]

I haven't started yet, I'm still struggling with the initial decision.  However, if I do decide to do it, I'm sure I wont look back.

[lady amarant]

Nope, Simone, not yet they aren't.

Once either gets to be 'too much' there are mods.

N~

I do hope it doesn't come to that. Sitting on the sidelines watching the action is lots of fun.

[Rachael]

The forum grammar gestapo needed a taste of thier own medicine.... i was merely the vessel of public opinion.
R >

[Sarah]

In the Neil Stephenson Novel Snowcrash,
In the beginning chapters it mentioned that in that future, GRS had progressed to the point of flawlessness.
However, it mentioned that Government only paid for the surgery one way.
And that some of the girls on the street were working to try to go back.

It was interesting.

Everyone is different.

People do things for different reasons,

Sara

[Rachael]

Not that many go back you know....


And there should only  be one reason at the crux of transition

you ARE the gender you transition to physically.... men cant become women, women cant be come men. If you think that is so, you are fooling yourself.

if a male bodied person transitions to female, that isnt female, try as you might, you will never pass more than visibly. HRT wont turn your brain into a female one, you wont think like a woman, act like one, life will be a constant chore, a permanent act, 24/7 crossdressing. The 'reasons for transition' thread was an eyeopener to me. Some of the reasons had very simple reasonable solutions. None involving gender.
R >

[Dora]

if a male bodied person transitions to female, that isnt female, try as you might, you will never pass more than visibly. HRT wont turn your brain into a female one, you wont think like a woman, act like one, life will be a constant chore, a permanent act, 24/7 crossdressing.

I most certainly agree! That is why I believe HRT is also a diagnostic tool. Within weeks of starting my HRT I found the psychological effects of estrogen to be very dramatic and oh so welcomed. I would think that anyone who is not female would find the idea of having all the changes that HRT brings on, terrifying. Heck, just the idea of losing the "masculine sexual thought pattern" in itself would bring the males I know to their knees.

I find it's the psychological changes HRT brings on is the best thing to ever happen to my mind. It's like my brain has been craving estrogen all along. The physical effects are just an added benefit.

Dora

[Berliegh]

if a male bodied person transitions to female, that isnt female, try as you might, you will never pass more than visibly. HRT wont turn your brain into a female one, you wont think like a woman, act like one, life will be a constant chore, a permanent act, 24/7 crossdressing.

I most certainly agree! That is why I believe HRT is also a diagnostic tool. Within weeks of starting my HRT I found the psychological effects of estrogen to be very dramatic and oh so welcomed. I would think that anyone who is not female would find the idea of having all the changes that HRT brings on, terrifying. Heck, just the idea of losing the "masculine sexual thought pattern" in itself would bring the males I know to their knees.

I find it's the psychological changes HRT brings on is the best thing to ever happen to my mind. It's like my brain has been craving estrogen all along. The physical effects are just an added benefit.

Dora

Good points Dora. In the U.K there used to be a private gender consultant called Dr Russel Reid in the U.K. He was very knowledgeable and good at his job and almost everyone who visited him managed to get on hormones. He would start them on a low dose basis. His theory was that if an individual didn't feel right on hormones and was really a guy and didn't like thet effects of what they were doing, they would stop. Usually the genuine cases would shine through and embrace the effects of HRT and the  others decided it wasn't right for them and stopped..

[NicholeW.]

Little Miss Grammer here.  The "die is cast" is to be permanent, as the die can not be changed once cut.  Dice can always be rolled again.

"die" as in "tool and die"?  made out of some kind of cast iron or something?

Well, that's the early 21st Cento version. I don't know if Caesar was acquainted with 'tool and die' or if he threw knuckle-bones and decide to cross the Rubicon after he rolled. Whichever, he crossed the Rubicon and he and Pompey had their running series of battles.

N~ 

[Hypatia]

I transitioned to fulltime--legal name change and all--nearly five months ago. In all that time I have never wavered once. Every single day since then all I have done is give thanks for my new life. Whatever doubts I might have had were fully worked through before I took the leap. As for HRT which I began nearly two years ago, I have thrived on estrogen as only a woman can, and there's no question it was something I had needed all along. Estrogen is the elixir of life for me. Maleness spells nothing but painful torment and death-- Good riddance to it! When I think back to how miserable, depressed, and even at times suicidal I felt when it seemed my way to transition was blocked, I know deep in my core there is no going back and I have saved my life by transitioning. So-- I wholeheartedly selected "I've not had a moment of doubt." I've been pleasantly surprised at how easy it all became once I did take the leap.

[Berliegh]

I've been full time for many years but I am more cynical than I used to be and see all the holes in the whole transitional process. Not many can transition and look totally female, maybe only one or two and it's dissapointing to know that....

When I stated I had unrealistic goals which I wanted to achieve and any indecision I might have had is deeply rooted in not being good enough, not the transitional process itself...

[NicholeW.]

I've been full time for many years but I am more cynical than I used to be and see all the holes in the whole transitional process. Not many can transition and look totally female, maybe only one or two and it's dissapointing to know that....

When I stated I had unrealistic goals which I wanted to achieve and any indecision I might have had is deeply rooted in not being good enough, not the transitional process itself...

That was a nice post, Berleigh.

But, I worry about you thinking 'you're not good enough.' I imagine that you are.

The horrible thing about womanhood is the ridiculous amount of 'lookism' we have ingrained into us. The way even the 'most beautiful' find ourselves 'not good enough' in our own minds.

Women who went through transition are saddled with that even more, I think, than other women.

But, you know, I have come to the conclusion that that is simply another effect of GID, one we maybe don't talk about very much at all, but that outs itself constantly when we talk about 'how I look.' We normally pass it off as 'all women have problems with the way they look.' We try to normalize it.

To a degree I think it is part and parcel of being a woman. Yet, I think in another way that women with our histories have an added burden of 'lookism' that comes from the circumstances of our births.

I wish I had some handy-dandy method for getting past that. All I do know is the less I think about it and obsess about it, the better it has gotten. At some point I just have to have said, "that's the best I can do. Now I just need to live my life."

Hugs,

Nichole