Feelings about how it is

[Terri-Gene]

To all who participate here at Susans, and especially those who communicated about my recent illness during my stay in the hospital.  Its been a while since I have been open and relational here in the topics, going into almost 6 months now with little more then a few words here and there.

Its not that there isn't a lot to talk about or that there is anything I wouldn't want talk about.  It's just me for the past several months.  I first realised I was in the hospital several days after being admitted, and a doctor there told me I had been admitted due to a stroke.   I wasn't all that worried about the illness I felt, I knew from past experience that while I lived, I would recover, the incident did however touch me mentally.  very deeply.

I knew that my Hrt was over and would not be started again and yes, that was hard, but I worked through that as it has always been a concern that such would happen from the time I started using hormones. I had accepted the possibility for hormone treatment failure and when I became aware of what had happened, going down at work and being transported to the main hospital, I knew Hrt was over.

When I came around to actually recognise and understand Andrea and talk with her, she told me about talking with people on Susans and that they all wanted me to recover and rejoin them.  I appreciated such thoughts and it made me feel good that anyone would care.  Personally I was always TS or Woman oriented and was of the belief that most would rather I didn't make it back, but after a month in the hospital they told me I could return home to finish recouperation.

It was a bit of a struggle at first.  I couldn't walk more then a few steps without a cane, I had little if any concentration and my voice was weak.  I believed my vision was less then it should be till I tried on my glasses and found a contact lens in my stuff and "cured" my vision problems.  I then read the topic column about me and was generally warmed by the comments.

At first I didn't feel up to sharing my feelings and I noticed so many new users and so took time to review the threads and kind of "aquaint" myself with new people and new threads of discussion.  Much of what I read did in fact tick me off some and prior to the Stroke would have made some "handy" comments, but didn't trust myself to talk as my feelings warrented.

I'm starting to come back around in this, where I know a lot of what I have to say isn't very popular given some of the comments I have seen, and it will not be long before I start slicing a little.

One of the topics that drive me insane is the comparison of cd/tv and TS.  The only real simularity is that they all dress as the opposite sex.  Only the TS actually feels like the gender they believe they are and will not betray that gender under any and all circumstances.  cd and tv will revert to birth gender any time that makes things easier.  Those of us in the TS world live in a kind of humor about other TG's taking our label, but hey, spend some time with someone and you get to know who/what they are.

In the last couple of weeks I been messing with my StingRay, it's been mostly parked for more then a year now and needed a lot of cleaning up and tuning.  I'm short of cash right now, but I need a new battery for it and it will go on sale, locally and on Ebay.  I will be spending a good part of what I get for it on the operation I need to feel whole.  Nothing much will change after that other then I'll feel better about being a part of this planet.  Andrea will spend whats left on whatever suits her.

At any rate, things are still confusing, but all is coming together again and I've had a couple happy times since coming home.  A friend whom I had failed made a trip here to see me, and the friendship seemed to be restored and we seemed to have a unition again.  That made me feel so good and whole.  She only talked to me a few days after returning home and doesn't seem to want anymore contact.  No explaination, very unlike her.  I can live with that if I must, but it will be hard.

Things at the moment are what they are though.  I've got to clairify my thinking and return to work on the 18th, then I'll get more in the mood to talk.  Right now I'm still to cloudy to make any good sense, I'm so all over the place, past present and future, with the past fading out.  There is only the future to look forward to.

Sorry about just ranting, but I needed it.
Terri

[Annie Social]

Teri, I had only been here at Susan's for a short time when you had your stroke, and didn't really feel enough a part of the community yet to join in all the good wishes sent to you at that time. I had read every one of your posts during the time I was here, however, and though I occasionally disagreed (and frequently agreed), I admired your honesty and willingness to speak what you believed.

Anyway, may I now offer my congratulations for making it back, my sympathy for what happened to you, my empathy for the feelings you must have had when you realized you couldn't continue HRT, and my best wishes for your forthcoming surgery.

One of the best things about Susan's is the fact that there is a huge diversity of people here, all with different experiences and different voices. I for one will be glad when your voice is again a major part of it.

Welcome back.

Annie

[Louise]

Terri,
It is good to see you back.  You have always made a positive contribution to this forum, and even those of us who may have differences of opinion with you from time to time respect your articulate voice.  Facing the prospect of our mortality can have a clarifying effect on how we look at our future.  I had such an experience forty years ago after a very serious auto accident; I think that facing this was one of the best things that happened to me.  (Not that I would wish this kind of trauma on anyone.)  From your post it seems that you may have experienced something similar.  In any case I can only wish you the best as you continue your journey.
Louise

[NightAngel]

Hey dear Terry, Welcome back!!!

It is so good to see you back on the boards.

So you have a Chevrolet Corvette - StingRay, a one of the most beautiful car I have seen.

It's really sad that you need to sell him.


**I wish you all the best**







Michelle 

[Terri-Gene]

Thanks for replying to me, Annie,  Louise, michelle.  Yes it will be good to come back and discuss that which drives what I believe, though as said is not the way many others see things.  Michelle, yes, the car is a 1973 Tourbojet Corvette Stingray, complete with factory installed 454 powerplant and 1969 factory side exaust and Wire wheels and 255 tires.  all cleaned up it is factory fresh, over the last 10 years i've driven it less then 15k.  The car only gets between 2 and 4 miles per gallon here in Sacramento traffic and I didn't use it much since we moved here. It has been parked for over a year now.  A real wallet robber at todays prices for fuel.  on the freeway it will get 10 mpg if I move easy in it.  A real eyecatching piece for whoever buys it.  Yes, it is a true collector piece.  Sitting around uncovered there is a little rust in the rims from the rain, but it cleans up ok.

The beauty of the C3 corvettes is it's shape.  stand it on it's nose and it has a perfect female form, since the passenger cab is narrower then the wheel spread. and.... the car is a she... not a he.  Back in Nevada I knew all the cops from my earlier position as an officer in the aea and spent a lot of time on the freeways at around 140 mph.  Cops would see me occassionally, but a flash of lights and a pointed finger would always bring me down to legal limits.

I don't know how to explain this, but over the last few years possession of this hyway nightmare isn't important to me anymore.  I'm happy with peggy little street cars these days.  Doesn't sound reasonable I know, but I'm just not into a car that will go from 0 to 110 in a touch over 12 sec these days.

Thank you for the flowers michelle, they are lovely.
Terri

[Dennis]

Well I for one look forward to your full participation in the forums again. I've treasured every word you've written since the stroke knowing how damn lucky we are to have you with us.

And now that you're feeling better, I'll feel more free to disagree with you

And about the CD/TS thing, the one thing we do have in common is that people who are neither look down on us. So allowing each other to share our little corner of the world isn't that big an intrusion.

Dennis

[Terri-Gene]

Hi Dennis.  'Feel free to disagree with me any time on any subject.  I have my own ideas but often enough I'm not always 100%right, no matter how right I take it to myself.  As to cd/ts, I've said it enough that I do not hold crossdressing against them, but I do feel somewhat abused about them saying they are in the same boat.  They can simply NOt Crossdress when times are hard, but win/lose or draw, I or any other full time TS can not do that, when you completely cross the line into full time there is no way to put it aside, not for any reason or occassion.  You know exactly what I mean by that, it is that difference that irritates me, when a CD claims they are in the same boat as I or any other full time TS. 

Just my own personal feelings on that subject and I have a lot of simular feelings about so many other items in the world.

fire away, it could be informative
Terri

[Chaunte]

It's great to have you back, Terri.  I have missed your comments.

Your new photo looks really good!

Chaunte

[TheBattler]

.
.
They can simply NOt Crossdress when times are hard, but win/lose or draw, I or any other full time TS can not do that, when you completely cross the line into full time there is no way to put it aside, not for any reason or occassion.  You know exactly what I mean by that, it is that difference that irritates me, when a CD claims they are in the same boat as I or any other full time TS. 
.
.

Hi Terri - Glad you are better now and are able to participate

I would like to address the above statement but I do not have the time now and I think the point above has already been discussed. I have participated in the discussion as I am trying to find where I stand and I am concerned about my future. I have always acknowleged the differences and hope that you can find a wonderfull space in the world. I am thinking on started a thread about what we have in common as we are all part of the transgender community.

Alice

[Terri-Gene]

well Alice, the biggest common theme with CD/TS is dressing as and perhaps behaving as a member of the opposite birth sex, beyond that, it gets thinner and thinner as you take down the details.  What is important between being one or the other is how you feel within yourself and how much that means to you.  That's why we caution people about transition unless they are positively sure it is the correct choice to make, if not absolutely sure, don't do it.  Thats why having good psychiatric treatment is critical, so you don't fool yourself into a mistake.

If you are not 100% sure of your actual gender, hold off doing anything until you are sure and will have no regrets about making the change in a genderwise way. 

Terri

Hi  Chaunte Thanks for the remark, but is just a common every day pic, no makeup, special clothing or anything not real.  I can look all so much better when I want, but I believe in reality and only hang out with others that feel the same way.  Have temporarily put in a picture which shows me made up a little.  I'll remove it later, I prefer looking natural.


Terri

[Melissa]

I love your viewpoint on the whole CD vs. TS and agree with you 100%.  Furthermore, at least how I see it, crossdressers appear to have fun dressing up, almost like children.  Transsexuals many times don't dress up much and experience extreme distress from their condition.  Crossdressers say they don't have any control over their *desire* to dress, but that's all it is.  Transsexuals have a drive to fix this extreme discomfort they are experiencing.

There are risks of loss experienced by both, but a crossdresser can "choose" to not dress if they need to.  There is so much more to say on the differences (rather than similarities) between the 2, but I will stop here.

I'm glad to see you're back to your old self.

Melissa

[TheBattler]

No fun being me at the moment.

Alice

[Terri-Gene]

In the end of it all Alice, it's not at all about which gender is "fun" or which can give you the most for what you put into things.  It's your feelings and how you live that is important.  For many, starting out can be hard and it is easy to be embarrassed about people noticing the changes in your looks and your personality.  You simply have to adjust to who and what you are and learn to turn a deaf ear to those who would try to degrade you, never ever be afraid to meet force with the best you have to throw at them though if they take it that far.

There are many CD's out there who are simply afraid of the consiquences of coming out and the reaction of other people (friends).  They convence themselves they are CD and kind of hang in there, on the edge but never taking any big obvious steps.

I see all the comments on who and where to come out and display it all and it confuses me intensely.  When I finally realized who and what I was I talked to my wife about it and then just did it, there were no briefings at work and I didn't change the places I went to.  I just did it.  And you know what?  I made it through.  I knew myself that well and while I was at first embarrassed, it didn't take long for it all to begin to be natural and feeling right.

Knowing yourself and being sure of what you know is the important thing for a TS.  To remain in your birth sex is oh so hard.  You are never sure of how people are seeing you and there is always a fear that someone will figure you out.  At least when a TS, especially a Mtf submits herself as a woman and conducts herself as one, the distain other people may have for you is simply the ignorance they have and ignorance is it's own grace.

Yes, it can get rough.  I've been fully open now for 5 years, home, public and work and I've seen what can happen.  My wife began fighting me about it.  She finally threw me out when I started hormones.  A few months later she asked me to come back to her and then faught with me about having surgery.  As it stands these days, she understands me better and wants to go with me when I have my surgery.   My kids all accepted it well enough.  They don't understand it, but they put nothing in my way.  Everybody (except for a couple) people at work is perfectlynatural with me.  hundreds of employees and hundreds more patients that I deal with day in and day out.  I go into bars and restarauts and many people stare a bit, but seem to accept me after a few moments.  All in all, life goes on and I have nothing to hide.

Some may think they have to many masculine features to "Pass" and I can only laugh at that.  I run around with tatoos showing and my shoulders are a touch wide, but given a few minutes I can relate to just about any group.

It can be dicy Alice, it simply depends on how you feel about yourself and if you will or will not do whatever it takes to simply be you and do what you have to do.

Melissa ..... Thanks for your agreemnt, but easy how you express it.  People tend to misread you and think you feel better then others or that you dislike CDs as people.  They don't get it that you can see them as fine people, just have a difference of opinion on what a woman is and is not.  Nothing will change that, it's just the way people see things.

Be a woman and let the rest be what they are
Terri

[Melissa]

Your right.  I've just been having a rough day and perhaps could have worded it better.  I do think CDs are fine people, just as gays, lesbians and anybody else.  In fact I think many people in the GLBT community as a whole (or at least in my area) tend to be nicer people because they have been made to feel inferior by bullies and what not.  There are always exceptions, but I've met some of the nicest people recently.

Melissa

[Kimberly]

^*smile* Worry about being YOU and let them worry about themselves. ("them" not pointing at any particular demographic, but rather all of them in general)

^{*HUGS Terri*}

...
I go into bars and restarauts and many people stare a bit, but seem to accept me after a few moments.  All in all, life goes on and I have nothing to hide.
...

Interesting, and well put. I think that exactly describes what I find when out and about, interesting that.

[Louise]

Knowing yourself and being sure of what you know is the important thing for a TS. 

Terri, I agree except that I would add that knowing yourself is important for all of us, whether we are CD or TS.  One thing that all of us here share is a concern about our gender identity.  Some of us may be perfectly comfortable in our birth sex, but many of us are not.  Those of us who are CD (at least me--I really shold not presume to speak for others) are just not so uncomfortable that we have the need to transition.

When we seek our identity (whether gender identity or any other aspect of our identity) we do this in two complementary ways--we identify with those we perceive ourselves to be like and we distinguish ourselves from those who we perceive ourselves to be unalike.  Since we are all individuals, this sorting into identity and difference groups is never exact and it is a lifelong process that we can never really say is finished.  When you identify yourself as a woman it is important to you to distinguish yourself from those of us who are male--I understand that.  Differences are important in defining to ourselves who we are.  For a similar reason I distinguish myself from gay drag queens--I am not one of them!!!  But similarities are also important.  While I am not gay, being transgendered and being part of the transgender community has shown me that I do share something in common with gays--neither of us fit the standard mold of gender and both of us are categorized by the dominant straight society as deviant ("queer").  Similarly I can identify with those of you who are TS--not that I am exactly like you or even that the difference is only a matter of degree.  I can identify with those who are TS becuase for me at least, crossdressing isn't just about the clothes--it is about gender identity.  Most of the time when I visit here I am not wearing feminine attire, but all of the time I am who I am--an androgynous crossdresser.

Louise

[Annie Social]

Teri Gene, I prety much agree with you, but I think you touched on a key point:

There are many CD's out there who are simply afraid of the consiquences of coming out and the reaction of other people (friends).  They convence themselves they are CD and kind of hang in there, on the edge but never taking any big obvious steps.

I think a lot of the confusion and controversy comes because there are a lot of TS people out there who identify themselves as CD because they feel they are unable to transition for various reasons. For many, it's just a matter of time before their true selves come out.

What is important between being one or the other is how you feel within yourself and how much that means to you.

Exactly.

Annie

[Terri-Gene]

uhhuh Annie, thats the way the world works.  Most people are afraid of the truth and the real life concerning it.  It is just the way it is.  Once you come out, you can never actually return and the going can be hard.  Accepting the fact of possibly losing work, friends and family will hold back the many, but for some out there, no price is to high.

live and be happy
Terri

Kimberly, a smile and hug back to you.

Louise,  you are a good one to talk to Louise, perhaps some time we can fense a little.  I like your thoughts and you are always around.

Melissa,  There is nothing wrong with your thoughts, you just haven't sorted yourself out quite yet, but a little time is all you need.

Terri

Terri

[Dennis]

I agree with you Terri that there are night and day differences between TS and CD, I was just pointing out the similarities and, as someone else pointed out the GLB parts also have some issues in common - largely disenfranchisement and the source of it is not acting as someone of their gender "should". Challenging the notions of gender, to one extent or another, that are prevalent in society.

I've actually never cross-dressed or felt an urge to, so I can't step inside the mind of a cross dresser. The few times I was forced into a dress (and having met me, can you picture that, Terri? lol) it was certainly not voluntary cross dressing. I hesitate to speculate, therefore, about the sources, motivations, or thoughts of a cross dresser. So rather than looking at the differences, I focus on the similarities. I'll take all the allies I can get.

Dennis

[Terri-Gene]

'A wise man you are Dennis, there really are to many differences to discuss, so why should we?  All I ask is that if you don't live and work 24/7 as the gender you believe yourself to be, stay out of the barrel, it gets crowded and temper mismatches are not what we need.

And I don know ..... you would probably be quite cute in a dress, maybe I'll be lucky enough to see that someday ........ but yes, we all need to be more politically motivated in our own concerns and make it happen for us, with as little friction between us as possible.

Terri