Tis 'bout time I do something like that.
Presentation:
- I wear all male clothing, but it ends up looking butch since I have no binder, and thus the breasts are quite visible, especially as I wear fitted clothing rather than really baggy stuff to hide it. I dress like your stereotypical gay guy, not flamboyant though. Half my closet is Old Navy, and the rest of it is very similar. Mostly that's because I can't get away with anything more predominantly male. Once I move out, I'll be wearing more semi-formal clothing like more dress shirts than tees.
- No binder here, because of parentals. I wear tight sports bras and they definitely help, since wearing them makes me look like I am an A cup. However, they don't really flatten things out, but again, this will all change once I move out.
- My hair looks quite girly at the moment, as it's wildly curly, I always have it pulled back into one big pouf. I cut my own bangs about a year ago, and although they're not layered bangs anymore, they're just some strands of hair that are a few inches shorter than the rest, pulled behind my ears, they still look feminine. I'm in the process of growing them out again. The hair is also restricted by parents, but I'm not really sure what sorts of male haircuts you can have for curly hair, without cutting it really short, or getting an afro, so eh.
- I go by Sam, as it's a shortened, male version of my real name. My name's okay I guess, I stick to it out of habit and practicality I suppose. I think I mainly don't like it that much because Sam in my head is just so attached to a picture of a farmer boy or redneck, which is definitely not the image I want to portray. As I'm writing this, and reading everyone's responses about loving their name, I'm feeling more and more like I should stop going by Sam, as least online until I go full-time. A name I'm very interested in is Daquan. I just really like the image Daquan gives me. First of all it's a pretty original name. And it also gives me the image of a free-spirit, something not quite earthly, since I depersonalize quite often, I don't really believe that I am human. Last name, I'm not sure. Daquan was originally what I wanted for my last name but now I realize that I really don't like Sam. I guess more name-searching for me.
- I now pack all the time as it gives me a feeling of comfort, as it's easy to hide, and makes up a little for my lack of binding. In the beginning it used to give me a sexual thrill, but now it just feel right. I don't know how to explain it, but I just feel a lot more complete with it.
- I've been purposely lowering my voice for the past year or so, so it's quickly becoming a habit. Sometimes I forget, especially when I have strong emotions going, and it really sounds like a guy in puberty's voice cracking. Personality-wise, I act like the chivalrous or in light of the deterioration of culture, "overly friendly" guy. I open doors for girls, offer to carry stuff if they are having a hard time, that sort of thing. Sometimes I get weird looks but that's because they're surprised to see someone that nice. To be honest, as soon as I can pass physically, I should definitely be popular amongst the ladies. The men, I don't really know if I want a relationship with, but whatever.
Body Dysphoria:
- Ever since I realized I was a guy and not just an androgyne, dysphoria's been a big problem. I absolutely loathe the lumps of doom. Taking off my shirt just makes me feel like crying. I panic a bit to think that I still have two years before I'm even allowed to move out and thus order a binder, even overlooking that I may not be able to afford to move out by then. The lack of a penis has been getting worse, although packing solves the problem most of the time. Masturbating, I try to ignore the lack of equipment and just imagine that I do, but as soon as I stop concentrating on doing that, it goes downhill. Oh well.
- Yeah Dan I'd like to be taller as well, but I probably still have some more growing left to do. I'm between 5.2 and 5.3, so very short for a guy. My hips are fairly obvious, and I have a big rear, which makes me a bit paranoid that once I get on T, all that fat will redistribute to my middle, which I've worked really hard to make look good.
- My shoulders/arms and middle are the only things about my body that I really like, as I can cover all the rest of my body and see a boy if those are the only things that show. My arms are very well toned, at least for a girl when unflexed, as the extra fat is proportioned for womanly arms, hides the muscle. My stomach's got the faint outline of abs, I'm very happy with it. I like my face, it's just really round and makes me look a whole lot younger than I am. The roundness probably doesn't help me in passing but getting older will help that.
- My body hair is okay. I like the hair "down there," mainly cause it hide the fact that I have no equipment for about an inch longer when taking off pants. I have a faint happy trail, I'd like it to be more prominent, like those guys that have just a really obvious happy trail and no other chest hair. I prefer happy trails to chest hair, just cause it looks cooler, more artistic and organized. I'm neutral about armpit hair, both bare/hairy armpits look strange on guys.
Transition?
- I present as a butch lesbian to the general public since I have no means of getting away with binding at the moment. The next two years till I turn 18 could not be any longer.
- I'm pretty sure I want T, as all the changes it will create, are changes I'd like to have happen. Again, I won't get any of it till I come of age.
- I really want top surgery. Like, REALLY. End of story.
- I'm not sure what I want to happen "down there." I guess it depends if my dysphoria about it gets worse. Right now, it's not bad enough for me to want either metoid or phallo, unless they improve the results. Prosthetics and imagination will have to do.
Sexually
- I've gone out with girls before, but as a lesbian. And my recent gender discoveries will probably just make everything much more complicated. So I guess no more dating for quite a while. I'm no longer comfortable getting into a relationship with someone unless I have a binder/pack and can at least pretend I'm physically male. The person I love, well I fell for her while I still thought I was a girl, and so I'm just struggling with whether I still have feelings for her, [although that is both ridiculous as I've tried so many times to get over her, and should be resolved as soon as I see her again in a week and some] and if she's bi or a lesbian, since she's been yo-yoing about it.
