Hi

[Tam]

Hi, I'm new here. 

I just found out today that my husband is a CD.  I'm very confused, and I really can't describe the feelings that I'm having right now.  One thing that I do know is that I love him with all my heart.

The way that I found out sure hasn't helped things.  I clicked on a link and there he was.  It was a shock to say the least.  That is the LAST thing that I expected to see.

I confronted him with it, and he finally told me everything.  At least I hope he told me everything.  He's devastated, I'm devastated.  It's just a mess.  We've only been married for 5 months, but we've been together for 5 years.  How did I not see this???  How did I not know???

I'm not condoning what he is doing but I must accept it.  I can't and won't lose him.  He's my heart.  I just wish that he had trusted me enough to tell me about it.

I don't know.  I'm so confused right now, and I can't go to my friends or family about this.  I'm just beside myself, and don't really know what to do or where to go from here.

Any advise for me?

[tekla]

Sometimes the more you love someone, the harder it is to tell them something that risks losing them.  Which is why its much easier to tell them in the beginning when all you have invested in the relationship is the price of a cup of coffee.

Look at all the options, and think, hey, its not so bad.  Lot's of things that are worse.  Would you rather have him wear skirts or chase them?

At least he'll go shopping with you and know why woman's clothing costs so damn much.

And there are a lot of resources on the web, thousands of stories like yours, and perhaps reading them might make you think some things through on a different level. 

But the reason that people don't tell is that they are embarrassed or guilty about it.  So to the degree that you don't make him feel either, it ought to go much better.

[Tam]

Thank you for your post.  I've been doing a lot of reading today.  I guess it's just all so knew and believe me when I say that I never saw this coming.

I guess I just needed to get it out to someone, hell anyone for that matter. 

Again, thank you.

[TamTam]

::hugs::

I like your username.

These things can be a big shock.  And I imagine the way you found out really didn't help. But don't beat yourself up about not knowing.. how could you have known?  No matter how well you know somebody, you'd never be psychic, especially if they are actually trying to hide it.

Him keeping it from you seems to be a very common thing in the community.. there's so much fear that 'the wife won't understand,' whether that fear is justified or not.  People get so scared and apprehensive that they figure everyone will be happier if it's kept a secret.  That doesn't necessarily mean that it's okay that he kept it from you.. but just know that you're not alone, there are many others out there who have experienced what you have.  There's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing you 'could have' or 'should have' done.. so don't go down that road because it'll only make you feel bad.

As for where to go and what to do.. take things one step at a time.  It can feel overwhelming, but if you keep calm and give yourself time to adjust, it'll shrink down to something more manageable. Doing a little research might help you feel more comfortable with it.  And maybe you two can build an even stronger relationship, now that he knows he really doesn't have to be afraid.   This can turn into something positive.

[Tam]

Thanks.  I like your user name too. 

I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day, but let me tell ya, this day has been exhausting.  I want to sit down with him and talk about this some more because I want to understand this better.  I think I'll wait a day or two before I do that because I think that we both need time to regroup.

Thank you so much for your post.

[TamTam]

::nods:: That's a really good idea, to take some time and regroup before discussing it.

No prob. ^_^ Thank you for coming here and wanting to learn and understand.

[V M]

If you bounce around the site a bit, you'll notice that allot of CD's have wives or G-friends. You probably were actually attracted to his fem. persona and didn't know it. That's why you feel blindsided. So, If you love the guy, be understanding and have some fun with it together

[Tam]

I really don't understand any of your post.  I never saw a feminin side of him, so I don't really see how I could have been attracted to it.  Also, how am I supposed to have fun with this?  All I want is my husband, and I'm really trying to deal with this, but "fun" is the last thing about it right now.

I know that there are many wives out there going through the same thing that I am, but that really doesn't make it any easier.  I feel blind sided because I feel that I've been lied to and it hurts like hell.  Shouldn't the choice have been mine as to how to handle this BEFORE we got married?  Instead, all I get is "I knew you were going to find out about this one day."  Yeah, no kidding.  Now, all I do is wonder what is coming next.  What other little secrets is he keeping from me.

I'm sorry if this comes across as bitter and angry, but to be honest, I really am.  I know it's not anyone's fault except for my husband's.  I know that I would have been upset if he had told me before, but at least it would have been out in the open in an honest way.  Instead, I have to see it on a website???  This is not fair to me to keep this from me and forcing it into my life and I'm pretty pissed off about it.   

[Steph]

Hello Tam.

not a very good situation to find yourself in.  My ex went through what you are now.  it's not my place to advise you or offer an opinion, but hopefully other SO's will contact you where they would be in better position to give you advice.

steph

[TamTam]

::hugs::

I think maybe what Virginia meant was that it was a possibility.. not saying that that is definitely how you feel.  I think even most of the wives/gfs of CDs who are able to see it as something fun, still take a long time to get to that comfort level.  And if you don't, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that you're not handling it properly.

Have you had a talk about it yet?  How did it go?

[Tam]

I know and I apologize to Virginia for my post.  It's just really a mixed up feeling. 

We have talked and it's went pretty well for the most part. 
There is a lot of resentment that I can't seem to let go of just yet.  He's apologized over and over, but it's just going to take a while for me to get over this.  I feel betrayed and lied to.  We've always been honest with each other or so I thought, and I thought we could tell each other anything.  The fact is, that if I hadn't seen it by accident, I still wouldn't know about it.  He says he was a coward for not telling me, but I think it was just wrong all the way around. 

One day, I feel ok about it, then the next day it's back to square one.  I don't know if that is normal or not.  Then again, I don't know if my life will ever be normal again.

I've thought about some getting some therapy or counseling, but that is something I'm still thinking about.  I've never been to a therapist.  I've never had a reason to go. 

[Windrider]

Hello, Tam!

I do think therapy may help you sort out your feelings. Note that I didn't say help you accept. Whether you accept or not is still a personal thing, but it can help to have a neutral third party to talk to about things.

Since you've never been to a therapist, I can give you some general ideas on what you'd be looking for and can expect to experience. First off, look for someone who has experience with gender/crossdressing issues. Also, therapists are there to help *you*. If the therapist starts dictating how you should feel/what you should do/tells you that you're a bad person/etc, I'd find another one. Therapists are mostly there to just listen to you and help you find your own answers.

I also think that your bouncing between feelings is pretty normal, as are your feelings of anger an betrayal. $diety knows my emotions have bounced around.

Edited to add:

Also, knowing from the outset doesn't always make things easier. I knew about Danielle from the outset and I was still angry and upset for "making" me go through transition issues not once, but TWICE! It's both easier and harder this time for me, but I still have a lot of my own issues to deal with. I have my own therapy appointment later this month.

Oh, if you're curious, we'll be celebrating 13 years together in April

End edit

I hope things get better for you. *hugs*

WR

[Tam]

Thank you for your post.  I welcome any advice.  I've always been the type of person to keep it all together and always the calm one.  Now......I'm a wreck, and I just don't know how to handle it.  As bad as I hate to give in to it, I have to see a therapist.  I have to talk to someone about this.  Like I said in an earlier post....I can't go to family and friends about this.

Again, thank you so much.

[TamTam]

There is no shame in therapy. I think of it the same way as that saying, 'It takes a strong man to cry.'  It takes a strong person to go to therapy.

[Tam]

Thank you.  Speaking of therapy, this place is pretty good for it too. 

How much do you guys charge an hour for belly aching?   

[tekla]

Lucky it's free, or else we'd all be broke.

[Tam]

   I can understand that.  You guys are great.

[Maebh]

  I've always been the type of person to keep it all together and always the calm one.  Now......I'm a wreck, and I just don't know how to handle it.  Again, thank you so much.

Hi Tam
No wonder you feel a wreck and out of control. But do not blame yourself for it.Of course it was such an unexpected shock.
As you will find out from others testimonies here, unfortunately and very often, us (CDs, TVs, TGs, TSs etc),  in order to survive in the face of the social attitudes towards us, often had to become very good at hiding from others and even sometimes from ourselves what we are .
So you feel overwhelmed  you are trying to deal with a lot of feelings all at the same time. They could include the following:
Denial (it couldn't be? how did I not see it coming? ...)
Anger and betrayal (why did he lie to me?  etc... ),
Confusion (is he gay? am I a lesbian? will he want to have a "sex change" ? etc...)
Resentment (why did he put me in such a situation? why us?...)
Isolation (I can't talk to anyone about it...)
Fear and uncertainty ( Will I be able to come to term with it?  will I be able to forgive him? will I be able to trust him? will he be able to respect and understand my feelings? can we reach a mutually agreed way to deal with it? will I lose him? etc...)
Shame (This is not normal, what if others found out?)
Self blame (Why didn't he trust me? Am I not feminine enough? I shouldn't feel the way I do? etc...)
These feelings are all NATURAL, do not repress or deny them or they will come back to haunt you.
If it is some confort or consolation he must have gone through some of these himself in the past and still now too. Because your action he cannot stay in denial anymore and he should at least be able to empathise.
Anyway from your posts you seem to be a very caring, perceptive and intelligent person.  And yes you are right: you both need time to regroup.
Just be patient with yourself this is an awfull lot to deal with.
Trust your instinct. You have already taken some very courageous steps by coming here, searching, sharing and expressing so honestly.

Hope, Light, Love & Respect.
Maebh 

[Tam]

Hi, sorry I haven't replied sooner.  I've been in my own little world lately.

Your post summed it all up.  I've felt all those feelings and then some.  I pretty much have good days and bad days.  He's been very understanding, and I've just been floundering back and forth.  Half the time in denial about it and the other half just pissed off that he's done this to me.  I know......he can't help it, it's part of him, he's still the same person......I've heard all of that.  Still, I can't help but resent the crap out of this AND him.

I love him, there is no doubt about that.  This has just been hard, and I did nothing to deserve it.  Absolutely nothing.  Now my marriage is turned upside down and I have to figure out a way to set it upright again. 

I have to find a way to get the trust back in this relationship.    I'm thinking he's hiding something else from me, and he swears that he isn't.  How can I believe that? 

I never, ever in a millions years thought I would ever be in this kind of a situation. Is it me?  Should I be having this much trouble getting passed this?

[TamTam]

It's been less than a month.  It takes time to get used to something when it turns your world upside down.  I don't know how you can get the trust back or become wholly comfortable with his crossdressing.. if you ever can.. but I wish you luck.  My instinct says to just give it time.. and give yourself permission to trust him again.

One idea that comes to mind.. can you write each other letters as a trust-building exercise?  For example.. he could answer any questions you have about when he started doing it, etc.. you could explain your fears.. have a heart to heart.  I don't think anything can move forward if communication is stunted, even just a little.