This may look like my first post but I spent a lot of time here in 2004-5 during my transition. During my transition, I had no real intention of going stealth, largely because I didn't think it was possible. Then I went to Mark Zukowski and got a new face. I am 5'6", 140 pounds, and slight so I pass well. I developed a great voice. To strangers, I pass 100% of the time, even on the phone. Suddenly, stealth seemed possible and so I was stealth whenever possible.
But as a late transitioner, I had friends, a business, too many contacts, and many other things that would occasionally pop up during the day. I developed a second career as a musician and there, I was stealth because I had quit playing years before so I had zero history in the local music scene. In effect, I developed a double life, unavoidably out during the day, stealth by night. I began to live in fear that something would happen to blow my cover. Eventually some of my clients saw me out at night and word got around. As it happened, nothing was said, nothing happened. People evidently knew but it became an unspoken subject, at least around me. I was always addressed correctly as miss or ma'am. I should be quite happy.
As it turns out, I'm not. I don't know who knows and who doesn't. I have recently realized that by trying to construct this second stealth world, I had simply exchanged one prison for another (closet is really too tame a label). To wrap yourself in untruths and half-truths, you end up in a prison of your own making. To be stealth is to have no history unless you lie or embellish. I wish I was proud of what I am but I am not. I am a woman so to acknowledge that I was once male is cut I can scarcely stand. I hate that I was ever male. I guess I now see my attempts to be fully stealth partly a refusal to deal with who and what I am.
The problem is mostly in my head. I have had a very successful transition in that I kept my spouse, kids, family, job. Yes, the transition was hell, but I survived. I should be happier than I am. If other people can accept me, why can't I?
