How do I respond to her mom?

[aerosolchild]

My girlfriend is mtf. Her family found out recently (due to her hormones being on their insurance ... not the best way ever but they're taking it well all things considered) Her mom is really sweet and wants me to come over for Christmas dinner, and is probably going to want to discuss Wren with me while I'm there.

This will be the first time I've talked to her since they found out, and I'm not sure how to act. I'm so used to calling her by her female name/pronouns that it seems unnatural not to do so, especially now that her mom knows. On the other hand, her family is very conservative and still getting used to the idea (even though she tried to come out to them several times, they denied it until she took steps to do something about it)

So far I've avoided using names/pronouns as much as possible, but I want to help her mom understand what is happening with her, and it is hard to have an in depth discussion about someone without using their name. Should I use the name Wren is most comfortable with since they have to get used to it eventually, or will it be too much too soon? I don't want to alienate a potential ally, especially since her dad is much less comfortable with the whole thing and we need to have someone in her family that is on our side.

The whole situation is just so delicate, I want to help any way I can but am so afraid of screwing things up!

[LordKAT]

That is definitely something that would have me worrying too. I think that you may start with discussing that very issue with her mom. Let the mom know that you accept wren and use her chosen name and pronouns to show your support. Let the mom know that You understand and likely wren too, that it isn't easy to change a long time habit but that you are doing what you feel is best for wren.


Just my opinion. i am thinking that facing it head on instead of dancing around the issue may let her mom feel she is safe asking for information instead of just trying to deny things.

Will you be seeing wrens mom before christmas? If so, that may be a better time for this conversation as holidays are stress enough without adding more if you can help it.

Good luck.

[aerosolchild]

Unfortunately we're at college an hour away, and won't be home until christmas break. Otherwise I'd definitely talk to her beforehand but I think it's important to have this conversation face-to-face.

[Janet_Girl]

First.  I would talk to Wren and see what she would like you to do.
Second.  You know her as Wren.  What do you feel you should do?  What is most comfortable for you?
Third.  It is her family and you don't wish to upset the apple cart.  I would go with number one.



Good luck at Christmas
Hugs and Love
Janet

[LordKAT]

I agree that face to face is best.

It is kind of sad that her parents didn't get it before finally realizing from an insurance bill. Could you and/or wren bring them some written materials on how families deal with this?

[aerosolchild]

Thanks so much Janet and LordKAT for helping me out with this.

We've talked about it a little, and I think I'm gonna use female pronouns and so forth when I'm talking to her mother. Wren has started sort of cringing when someone calls her by her old name,  so they're going to have to get used to it sooner rather than later.

With the whole family I'm going to stay in pronoun avoidance mode, because I'm pretty sure that no one's told her little brothers yet (her dad wants to "shelter them" because he doesn't want them to get corrupted by her. they're that kind of christian >.<) and they should find out from her, not from me by accident at the dinner table. I actually kind of hope that they haven't been told yet, because no doubt her dad would skew the whole thing sideways.

I don't know that I'll bring printed materials with me, but I'm definitely collecting useful online resources to point her mom to. She really does want to do what's best for Wren, and I think once she understands the whole thing better and sees how much happier she is she'll come around. The main thing I'm worried about is her being dismissive, as she's convinced that it's just a phase that will go away if she ignores it long enough. She compares it to her smoking pot in college, and how at the time she thought it was the right "life choice" for her.

Anybody have suggestions for mom-helping resources? I'm pointing her here first off, as I think this is a good place for her to put some basic fears to rest and such. Possibly questioning transphobia as well? She's so deeply entrenched in the gender binary (doesn't even believe in gay people) that I don't even know where to start   

[Janet_Girl]

One good place is right here. https://www.susans.org/reference/gfam6.html   There is a lot of good information in the Reference Library.



Hugs and Love
Janet

[placeholdername]

My therapist suggested PFLAG:

http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=380

Wren is such a cool name... I want to steal it for a story some day...

[aerosolchild]

Both of these seem good, and I've found a few others that look promising
Thanks so much for your help everyone, I'll definitely let you know how it goes.