The Worst Question

[Squirrel698]

At least for me is: What is your name? 

I really hate this question and it always gets asked.  By everyone!  I wish I had the confidence to answer with my male name in my still high female voice but I don't.  Then I get annoyed because I really would rather they know me with my male name.  I just don't have the confidence to own it yet. 

Then I wonder if it really would matter if my voice ever does drop.  I'm afraid it's more of a mental thing.  I'm afraid that no matter how my voice or my hips change I'll never be able to respond to that question properly.  Just like the fat kid who grows up to be skinny but still sees himself as fat forever more.

[LordKAT]

At least for me is: What is your name? 

I really hate this question and it always gets asked.  By everyone!  I wish I had the confidence to answer with my male name in my still high female voice but I don't.  Then I get annoyed because I really would rather they know me with my male name.  I just don't have the confidence to own it yet. 

Then I wonder if it really would matter if my voice ever does drop.  I'm afraid it's more of a mental thing.  I'm afraid that no matter how my voice or my hips change I'll never be able to respond to that question properly.  Just like the fat kid who grows up to be skinny but still sees himself as fat forever more.

Before I could pass well, I was usually asked why my parents gave me (malename) for a name. I just told them my parents always wanted a boy.

[Elijah3291]

I remember that phase of transition.. where someone asks your name.. and you WANT to say your real name.. but you give them your girl name.. because you are too insecure, scared to tell them your male name..

but let me assure you.. over time.. you will be more confident, after a while you will refuse to give out your girl name, even if you arent passing... I told everyone in college my name was Elijah.. and most of them thought I was a girl.

[insanitylives]

When people ask, I've finally decided to screw it and just go ahead and say kyle. they look at me funny, but it doesn't seem to make people get too weird.

of course people are gonna ask you your name tho. It's far more impolite to say "hey, you with the face"

[Nygeel]

When I was towards the beginning of the middle/gray stage I would respond with my female name if I was in a situation where my family (who I wasn't out to) would never run into these people. Panera is a really good spot. The one near me asks for your name on an order. I've asked the person behind the counter to just push a random letter just to see the reaction of the person that has to call out the name "F." Or I'd tell them a silly name like "Mike Hunt." They more than likely won't think anything of it and it won't be a big deal.

[Devin87]

It's worse for me at work.  My nametag says my birth name and little kids who can't read ask me my name and I feel compelled to tell them my birth name because their parents, who can read, are standing right there.

[spacial]

Squirrel.

It might be in interesting exercise for you to start giving your male name.

Think about it. You could be standing there looking as femnine as you choose. Your feminine voice. 'What's your name please?' 'John!'. 'Did you say John?'. 'Yes, that's right. J, O, H, N, John'.

I have a feeling the reactions will be a lot more positive than you might anticipate.

[DavisJ86]

Luckily for me, I hadn't used my birth name for like ever, cause I used my initals DJ for my friends, work, any new people I met. It was DJ. So if you can, use your initals, or get a gender neutral nickname until you get that confidence. In time, you'll just screw it and just start introducing yourself as you male name.

[Arch]

I changed my name more than a decade before I transitioned. While I have to admit that I ran into a bit of confusion and some interesting situations, there really wasn't much of that in the grand scheme of things.

You have to remember that it's much more common for a woman to have a man's name than the reverse. So if you give them a male name and they read you as female, they will likely just think that your parents were a little exotic--or, as LordKAT says, that your parents wanted/expected a boy and just stuck with the name anyway.

Remember Michael Learned, the actress from The Waltons? Glenn Close? Daryl Hannah? And Anne Rice's birth name was Howard.

[sneakersjay]

I waited until it was legal.  Until then I used a nickname, Jay, which is the first initial of both names.  Then if I didn't pass, it wasn't a big deal.  I started passing about the time the name change was legal.


Jay

[Nathan.]

I know how you feel, but I promised myself when I found the name for me that's the only one i'd go by and that's what I did even though sometimes I feel it would be easier to go by my birth name as I don't pass.

[Eosophoros]

Hm. Well, it's easier, I think, if your family refers to you by your given name; I had trouble answering that question with my chosen name until my mom adopted it as well. (Frabjous day!) It's also easier if your chosen name is a derivative of your birth name, as Sneakers mentioned, because then you can pass it off as a nickname.

Oh, and hey: you look pretty young. If you're in your late-teens/early-twenties, it's feasible to pass it off as your voice cracking, having a high voice. I also know plenty of cis guys who have high voices - basically, passing is maybe half about picking a story and sticking with it. Nobody, but nobody, is going to argue with a person who says they're a guy like they believe it. (At least in my experience.)

[madzam]

It was hard for me until about a week ago. The hard part was that I live in a little-big city where everyone seems to know me in one way or another simply because of my academics. But recently I stopped giving a flyingsquirrel and just tell them my name is Jacob.

[LordKAT]

Hardest question to answer was what my first experience with a girl was like or other questions to that effect. I usually mumble out of it but did have one time that didn't work real well.

[Arch]

Hardest question to answer was what my first experience with a girl was like or other questions to that effect. I usually mumble out of it but did have one time that didn't work real well.

Augh, you always leave out the most interesting details!!

Guess I got lucky with questions like this one. I've been with about half a dozen women and, if asked about my first experience with a girl, can say something like, "I had a threesome with a guy and a girl. Let's just say that it would have been much better if the girl had stayed home." I can also say, quite honestly, that I've never had penetrative sex with a woman. Maybe it's best to leave it at that, and allow my questioner to fill in the blanks.

Back to names...one thing I never did figure out: when I was living as a woman, why did some people think that my first name was my last name and my last name was my first name? My last name is quite common, but it's one of the few names I've never seen used as a first name.

I once asked someone who was trying to do that. Let's say my name is Frederick Smith. She was calling me Smith Frederick. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, Frederick isn't a girls' name." I said, "But neither is Smith." She looked confused and had no answer. I guess it's just a tough problem.

Squirrel, my advice is to take the plunge. Being called by your preferred name can be so healing. Own it. Your voice will drop soon enough.

I'm assuming that you plan to change your name legally? If so, will it be soon?

[Squirrel698]

I know you all are right.  When people do use my real name it's a very good feeling.  For example my paster when I meant with him a few days ago.  Good luck ever getting my family to use the correct name.  That would take some sort of miracle.  But out in the world at large it's my choice.  I just need some positive up in here.

Arch I do want to legally change my name.  Unfortunately it's a bit of a deal breaker in my current relationship.  Strange the things he chooses to get upset about.  My voice can drop, not thrilled but he'll deal but change my name, all bets are off. 

[Arch]

Arch I do want to legally change my name.  Unfortunately it's a bit of a deal breaker in my current relationship.  Strange the things he chooses to get upset about.  My voice can drop, not thrilled but he'll deal but change my name, all bets are off.

God, I'm so sorry. I know you are navigating difficult and dangerous terrain. My relationship was just my relationship. It was not complicated by religion, parents, or children. And that was tough enough. Maybe if I multiply it by ten, I'll have a concept of how hard this is for you.

Maybe not.

I'm pulling for you. I'll support you all I can on this forum. For now, this is your family, the one that loves you unconditionally.

[owl]

God, I'm so sorry. I know you are navigating difficult and dangerous terrain. My relationship was just my relationship. It was not complicated by religion, parents, or children. And that was tough enough. Maybe if I multiply it by ten, I'll have a concept of how hard this is for you.

Maybe not.

I'm pulling for you. I'll support you all I can on this forum. For now, this is your family, the one that loves you unconditionally.

your so nice

[tekla]

People have all sorts of names and nicknames.  I know a lot of people who until I got on Facebook I never knew their 'real' names, or their last names, I just knew them as everybody else in that venue did.  I've been called "Cat/Kat" since HS owing to doing a play in which I played (and very poorly I might add, I only got the role because I knew how to do stage choreography fencing) 'the prince of cats' which got shorted to 'cat' when I was climbing.  So it's kinda weird for some people who are told to 'find cat' and assume they are looking for a girl.  They get over it.  I did a long time ago.

[Squirrel698]

God, I'm so sorry. I know you are navigating difficult and dangerous terrain. My relationship was just my relationship. It was not complicated by religion, parents, or children. And that was tough enough. Maybe if I multiply it by ten, I'll have a concept of how hard this is for you.

Maybe not.

I'm pulling for you. I'll support you all I can on this forum. For now, this is your family, the one that loves you unconditionally.

As usual I really appreciate the support from the whole forum and you in particular.  It really does help me quite a bit.  I know it's not going to be easy but I am under the firm belief that it will somehow all work out in the end.  Maybe I'm being to optimistic.  But I wouldn't be taking this path if I wasn't willing to lose everything.  It's what I need to do.