@spacial
I wouldn't really say she was dominant in our relationship - we each bring different qualities to it (mine are the more patient ones, hers tend to be the more fiery ones), but she does try and push dominance sometimes when we're arguing and she goes incredibly stubborn and will barely make a move towards making up. Sometimes it seems she'd rather hang on the anger/argument.
In that way, yes she is, and I know she's feeling a lot of anger alongside her dysphoria.
And in some other ways too, now I'm thinking about it. One of the things that worries me about her potential transition is my need for equality and the potential for both her and our lives to become dominated by her needs and feelings.
Post Merge: June 08, 2010, 06:00:58 AM
@justmeinoz
Quote from: justmeinoz on June 08, 2010, 08:43:07 AM
1. Has your partner tried to separate the areas of sexual expression and gender?
2. Until they have surgery they will be no different physically, so is Y starting at shadows, and prejudging your likely reactions?
3. Do you think that Y is perhaps trying to make you feel less responsible for any future break-up, by making themself out to be the villain?
I've numbered your questions so I can try to answer them:
1. I don't think so. She says if she goes through transition she will be a straight man, but doesn't like the straight world and would rather be a gay man or queer. I think the problem here is that if I openly say I'm a lesbian (my sexual preference is for females and characteristics like soft skin, emotional being, pmt (yes, even this) breasts etc.) then what am I doing in a relationship with Y?
2. I get this feeling a lot. Although Y maintains she doesn't want to transition as the health costs, and potentially relationships costs, may be too great. She's very scared about work stuff too. Y is generally scared about it. However, I get the feeling (a gut feeling) that she has already decided transition is what's right for her and she's just building up to it. More often than not her questions are along the lines of how would you feel
when I have.... rather than
if I had.... Her first language isn't english so there may be incorrect language usage at work here, but also her english is very good and I'm not so sure that's the case. I've said to her I feel like she's lying to me (about exploring other options before transition) but she maintains she isn't.
3. Definitely. Over the past three month since we've been dealing with this she has been pushing me away (sometimes quite horribly). In many ways I think this is to lessen the guilt she says she feels about how I feel about the idea of being with a man. If I left because she was leaving me no other option then yes, it would be painful, but maybe she'd feel freer to do what's necessary for her? Also, I've had to ask myself if leaving would be better for us both for the same reasons - her guilt at my upset and my guilt at her potentially not expressing herself as fully as she might if I wasn't around. I've asked her outright what she would do if I wasn't around and she says that she doesn't want me to leave. It's a bit of a catch 22 because she has said she's only felt free enough to explore her gender identity *because* she feels safe and loved. And this exploration may be something that brings about the end of our relationship.
On one hand she's saying she wants to find a *third way* and not be a woman or transition to become a man. ANd on the other she uses statements like "when I....". I don't know if I'm coming or going some days (metaphorically) but I really need to find a level of peace with my own internal struggle or I'll be on my way to an unhealthy mental state.
Just realised I missed a question about her hopes for surgery:
4. She really wants her breasts removed regardless of anything else she does and has said she would like a hysto. She says she has no interest in having a penis and therefore doesn't ever see herself having bottom surgery.
