I have a therapist, and the last session is where we discovered my history of pleasing and not really knowing who I am. He is not a gender specialist, but he is the best that I can go to at the present.
Sometimes I wonder if I went back on the T if my feelings would change, but I hate the stuff. What got me really questioning my gender was the relationship with my last boyfriend. He was the first man that I was ever with who identified as straight, and treated me as a girl (its a Latino a cultural thing that is difficult to explain). He never once saw my male parts. This was all new to me, and was a much better relationship than I had ever had with a gay man. I liked how he made me feel, and how he treated me. I liked how I started to feel about myself.
I made small changes, like starting to wear woman's perfume and deodorant, first because I asked him which he preferred and second because I much prefer the floral scents but never had courage to wear them. I don't like woman's perfume on my male partner, but I like it on me. BTW, he told me to wear what I like, but after I told him that I am wearing it more for him than me, he said woman's perfume would be nice.
So, it is mainly through this relationship that I have allowed myself to re-question my gender, yet because of this, for me, it is closely tied to my sexual orientation, at least, how I want to sexual relate to men and be treated by them - at least my partner.
All that said, I'm learning that I will have to put up with all the stuff that woman put up with, such as men often needing help dressing properly, not always being the most sensitive, and not taking subtle hints to well - this wasn't the case with the gay guys I new, but then, I never hit it off with them to well.
