Hello neighbors! I am for the most part from the androgyne board. Judging by the recent posts on this forum I am bringing in some rather different fare, but I welcome you of course to read and/or comment and/or tell me where I should have posted instead.
I am female assigned but I am definitely not a woman, that just doesn't fit with my self-concept at all. There are plenty of things I like about being feminine, but actually being a *woman* is wrong and it upsets me that my body is doing that. I have identified as FtM for a few years, and I feel male, but I can't really get my head around being visibly masculine. I feel like in order to be a man I should want to be big, buff, hairy, deep-voiced, etc. but all of that stuff would make me sad. I love being little, cute, soft, and even a bit delicate. I like to know I'm able to pass as male, but trying to live as a man involves a lot of faking and repressing an important side of myself.
What I'd miss is a feeling of being very femme and girly, which brings me so much joy and amusement in my life. I purposefully try to be totally over the top cute and childish, that's me. I love hair bows, jewelry, skirts, the color pink, and my custom built Hello Kitty computer. I tend to keep this stuff hidden away in my room though, because it looks like a total contradiction to the male identity I'm trying to establish.
I mostly like the way I look (clothed) and I don't mind random people on the street seeing me as a woman. It just disturbs me that in some way I physically am a woman for real, because it's not right. I feel like I was born into a costume I can't take off, and I definitely like prancing around in the costume sometimes, but it's still a costume and not me. The important people in my life have learned to recognize me through the disguise, but it's not enough. It bothers me that the costume has gotten inside my body, when it should be skin deep at the most.
In particular, I can't bear having a period, it is just so disgusting and miserable having the baby-making stuff come out of me. I wish all the "female" reproductive organs and genitals were magically gone, and I'd prefer to have a functioning but easily hidable penis instead. I've also grown very unhappy with my breasts, and I've been binding them for years even though I like breasts in general. It just bothers me that they're attached and I can't just be flat there when I'm topless.
I really like the looks of glamorous androgyny such as David Bowie, goth dudes in skirts and eyeliner, Japanese anime guys, flamboyant FtMs pre-T, and young boys cross-dressing. Anything that is fabulous, lovely, femme... but also male.
Whoa, so, anyone else around these parts have something in common with me, or just think I'm confusing and want to ask personal questions?