self esteem

[dustbunny]

How do you build it and what makes you feel confident?

Also, if you could present physically as your ideal how would it look?

I can't figure out how I would like to present, or rather what I would like to look like. I know what makes me feel more comfortable, but not what I feel like could express fully how I feel.

[Simone Louise]

Oddly enough, I have built my self-confidence by daring to do things that stretch me and are in line with my life goals. I have farmed, started my own business, written poetry, applied twice to rabbinic seminary, and married twice. Often, I fail, but have learned I am capable of more than I had thought possible. Reviewing what happened, I learn new strategies for managing the bundle of skin and bones, emotions, experiences, prejudices, and weird brain circuitry that constitute me. And I am able to adjust my goals.

Being told that others could see I was fully committed to the task at hand or that I did something well empowers me.

Among the best advice I've been given, was to avoid feeling guilty over my mistakes. Take responsibility, and move on. While I wallow in guilt, I fail to pay due attention to my current life, and make new or repeat old mistakes.

As to my presentation, form follows function and clothes should be fun to wear. I was always forgetting things I need during the day; carrying a purse (currently a brown canvas shoulder bag from LL Bean) solved most of that problem. I try to buy clothes of natural fibers that are easy to care for, meaning largely, machine wash and dry, no ironing. I generally buy simple clothes I can mix and match and wear most of the time, without a lot of decision making, except when I expect to get filthy or for special occasions. Colors and innovative necklines attract me; muddy, masculine drab is out, pink, purple, yellow, and various blues predominate. I'll layer different pinks, or, for Thanksgiving, wore a solid pink shirt and purple patterned necktie, tied in a double Windsor knot. My shoes are the suede slip-ons worn by both sexes. Red ones for special occasions. My only jewelry is a circular pendent on a delicate silver chain, with the Hebrew inscription meaning: I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. My wife brought the pendent back from Israel; I chose the chain. My hair is as long as it will grow, washed and conditioned daily, and tied in a pony tail. I try to keep my beard from getting too shaggy, but not shaving allows me to ignore my facial hair most of the time. Having come of age during the 60s, I eschew deodorant.

I try to express the woman I am (taking the male body into consideration) without advertising it or attracting undue controversy. Suggestions, expressed civilly, are welcome; course corrections are made without warning. The ideal body is not possible in this lifetime, though the one I have is serviceable and works reasonably well.

S

[dustbunny]

Oddly enough, I have built my self-confidence by daring to do things that stretch me and are in line with my life goals. I have farmed, started my own business, written poetry, applied twice to rabbinic seminary, and married twice. Often, I fail, but have learned I am capable of more than I had thought possible. Reviewing what happened, I learn new strategies for managing the bundle of skin and bones, emotions, experiences, prejudices, and weird brain circuitry that constitute me. And I am able to adjust my goals.

Being told that others could see I was fully committed to the task at hand or that I did something well empowers me.

Among the best advice I've been given, was to avoid feeling guilty over my mistakes. Take responsibility, and move on. While I wallow in guilt, I fail to pay due attention to my current life, and make new or repeat old mistakes.

As to my presentation, form follows function and clothes should be fun to wear. I was always forgetting things I need during the day; carrying a purse (currently a brown canvas shoulder bag from LL Bean) solved most of that problem. I try to buy clothes of natural fibers that are easy to care for, meaning largely, machine wash and dry, no ironing. I generally buy simple clothes I can mix and match and wear most of the time, without a lot of decision making, except when I expect to get filthy or for special occasions. Colors and innovative necklines attract me; muddy, masculine drab is out, pink, purple, yellow, and various blues predominate. I'll layer different pinks, or, for Thanksgiving, wore a solid pink shirt and purple patterned necktie, tied in a double Windsor knot. My shoes are the suede slip-ons worn by both sexes. Red ones for special occasions. My only jewelry is a circular pendent on a delicate silver chain, with the Hebrew inscription meaning: I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. My wife brought the pendent back from Israel; I chose the chain. My hair is as long as it will grow, washed and conditioned daily, and tied in a pony tail. I try to keep my beard from getting too shaggy, but not shaving allows me to ignore my facial hair most of the time. Having come of age during the 60s, I eschew deodorant.

I try to express the woman I am (taking the male body into consideration) without advertising it or attracting undue controversy. Suggestions, expressed civilly, are welcome; course corrections are made without warning. The ideal body is not possible in this lifetime, though the one I have is serviceable and works reasonably well.

S

So you're saying you focus more on your personality and less on your physical appearance?

[SidESlicker]

How do you build it and what makes you feel confident?

Hmmm... I'm feel my most confident when I know *exactly* what I want in any given moment and can articulate that to the nessesary people *and* not give a ->-bleeped-<- what other people think. So for me, building confidence has a lot to do with figuring out what I want and learning how to explain what's on my mind.

Seriously, it's like riding a tidal wave of awesome, because knowing what I want in life is sheer awesome.

Also, if you could present physically as your ideal how would it look?

Ahhh jesus. Hmm.... Well, haha, in my mind I'm 6'2, have broad shoulders, long legs and hair that co operates in the morning and hands with long fingers.

But that's not who I am, and I'm okay with that. In reality I'm 5'4, have a tiny tiny body frame, and a killer smile. So for me, presenting myself physically in the most ideal way is working with what I have. I'm not ever going to be the super hero I secretely want to be, but looking in the mirror and seeing more of myself than I've seen in years, ->-bleeped-<- that feels pretty damn good too.

It sucks not being able to feel like you can express yourself, but give it time and paitence and don't try and fit yourself with a label that doesn't work. *hugs* I hope your self confidence grows, and it'll keep growing (slowly, but it will) if you keep expressing yourself in a way that feel comfortable.

[dustbunny]

Hmmm... I'm feel my most confident when I know *exactly* what I want in any given moment and can articulate that to the nessesary people *and* not give a ->-bleeped-<- what other people think. So for me, building confidence has a lot to do with figuring out what I want and learning how to explain what's on my mind.

Seriously, it's like riding a tidal wave of awesome, because knowing what I want in life is sheer awesome.

Ahhh jesus. Hmm.... Well, haha, in my mind I'm 6'2, have broad shoulders, long legs and hair that co operates in the morning and hands with long fingers.

But that's not who I am, and I'm okay with that. In reality I'm 5'4, have a tiny tiny body frame, and a killer smile. So for me, presenting myself physically in the most ideal way is working with what I have. I'm not ever going to be the super hero I secretely want to be, but looking in the mirror and seeing more of myself than I've seen in years, <not allowed> that feels pretty damn good too.

It sucks not being able to feel like you can express yourself, but give it time and paitence and don't try and fit yourself with a label that doesn't work. *hugs* I hope your self confidence grows, and it'll keep growing (slowly, but it will) if you keep expressing yourself in a way that feel comfortable.

As far as what I'd like to look like, I can never really define or express that. I'm not sure how. I don't think it would be physically possible to alter my body that way. Some days I can't even envision it. It's just the vague feeling that something isn't right, but while I know something is wrong I don't know how to fix it. Some days that really makes me feel awkward and broken. Some days I am so detached I really don't care.

[bearded]

You might not be the super hero you wanted to be, but you could still be a superhero.

------

Something somebody taught me once about self esteem was to practice expressing your likes and dislikes. So, I might have started to say things like, "I like vanilla ice cream, and not chocolate.  And I'm ok with that."  And build up from there as you grow. By doing this you are defining yourself and learning how you fit yourself into the world.

Another thing, is again, the idea of feeling accomplished and competent.  So for me I might start out learning one or two "advanced" english words per day (vitreous, truculent, ...).  It doesn't seem like a lot, and might feel like what's the point.  But over time you are demonstrating competence and growth to yourself.  Then I might decide to learn all the drum rudiments or something more challenging. 

Another quick thing is to just practice making decisions.  So for me instead of being like "I don't care what shirt I wear today,"  I might say, "I don't care what shirt I wear today, but I'm going to pick this one on purpose and see how that plays out."

I guess the biggest magic trick was to stop comparing myself to others.  I might be worried because someone else plays the drums a lot better, and then give up even trying.  But by starting with things like "I like vanilla ice cream" - in which case I don't really care how that compares to somewhere else, I learned to establish a mental space for myself where these comparisons don't intrude.

I still haven't mastered the "no comparing" thing, and I wish I could drum better, but now I try to focus on playing drums because I want to and that it makes me happy, instead of using it to make me feel worse.  And I hope the people who are great at drums are doing it because it makes them happy as well, and not for comparison reasons.

I hope some of this makes sense.  I have found that for me, paradigm shifts have to hit me at the right time.  Tell me something 2 years ago, it might not have sunk in, but last week I was like "ohhhhhh...." and it clicked into place. 

Best wishes

[SidESlicker]

You might not be the super hero you wanted to be, but you could still be a superhero.

<3 That quote just made my day

Mrrr....

So there are things that you feel "aren't quite right" and then there are days where you're disconnected. First off, *hugs* that blows. Second off, what are things that make you feel connected? What are parts of your appearance that you like, and why do you like them?

It's okay to not know what you'd like to look like. It means you have an evolving sense of self, and that's an important thing to have in life. Try not to think about tomorrow too much, but focus on right now. What do you want right *now*? What's bringing you down now? What's making you happy?

[dustbunny]

Mrrr....

So there are things that you feel "aren't quite right" and then there are days where you're disconnected. First off, *hugs* that blows. Second off, what are things that make you feel connected? What are parts of your appearance that you like, and why do you like them?

It's okay to not know what you'd like to look like. It means you have an evolving sense of self, and that's an important thing to have in life. Try not to think about tomorrow too much, but focus on right now. What do you want right *now*? What's bringing you down now? What's making you happy?

The days I'm disconnected are more tolerable actually. I feel less shallow and less miserable in general. I still know something isn't right, I just don't care. The days I do care I am far more frustrated with my own psychology and not being able to think myself out of what I consider a ridiculous feeling. I think Melville said it best:

"..a speechlessly quick chaotic bundling of a man into Eternity. But what then? Methinks we have hugely mistaken this matter of Life and Death. Methinks that what they call my shadow here on earth is my true substance. Methinks that in looking at things spiritual, we are too much like oysters observing the sun through the water, and thinking that thick water the thinnest of air. Methinks my body is but the lees of my better being. In fact take my body who will, take it I say, it is not me."

[Pica Pica]

So you're saying you focus more on your personality and less on your physical appearance?

Always, surely.

I think that self confidence comes from a feeling of self-competance, that you feel that you can achieve the goals you set yourself. I guess the key to that is setting possible goals that are still a stretch and to think of the reasons it can be done rather than the reasons why not.

I find that it is easy to find the things you are good at, because they are the things that exhilarate you. Indulge in a bit of that and one'd feel on top of the world.

[dustbunny]

Always, surely.

I think that self confidence comes from a feeling of self-competance, that you feel that you can achieve the goals you set yourself. I guess the key to that is setting possible goals that are still a stretch and to think of the reasons it can be done rather than the reasons why not.

I find that it is easy to find the things you are good at, because they are the things that exhilarate you. Indulge in a bit of that and one'd feel on top of the world.

I really struggle with these things too, part of it because I don't really feel there's anything I'm terribly talented or skilled with. Likewise depression gets the best of me most days to where I just lack motivation. I don't know how to motivate myself either.

[SidESlicker]

The days I'm disconnected are more tolerable actually. I feel less shallow and less miserable in general. I still know something isn't right, I just don't care. The days I do care I am far more frustrated with my own psychology and not being able to think myself out of what I consider a ridiculous feeling.

Feelings are never ridiculous, they are just that, the way you feel about something. It's definately not something that you should put down or dismiss.

I agree with Pica Pica, working on your personality and helping that feeling of self competance does wonders. If there's no way you can be happy with your appearance and there's no way that you can think of what you want, then work on your personality and focus on setting goals for yourself and achieving them to raise your self esteem.

[dustbunny]

Feelings are never ridiculous, they are just that, the way you feel about something. It's definately not something that you should put down or dismiss.

I agree with Pica Pica, working on your personality and helping that feeling of self competance does wonders. If there's no way you can be happy with your appearance and there's no way that you can think of what you want, then work on your personality and focus on setting goals for yourself and achieving them to raise your self esteem.

I have a very well established love/hate relationship with my emotions. I understand they're important in experiencing life, I just dislike how they are so often negative and how despite their simplicity and vagueness I can neither shake their effect. It makes me feel like a horse in a bridal instead of a free mustang.

[Simone Louise]

So you're saying you focus more on your personality and less on your physical appearance?

My wife often refers to me as the Beast ( a reference to the Disney movie). The Beast did not free himself from the spell by focusing on his appearance, but by acting for the benefit of others. Rabbi Hillel had roughly the same idea in mind, 2000 years ago, when he said:  If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?

Do what interests you, and what you are good at (or could be good at, with work). And do it so that you make life better for others. Unfortunately our society promotes the idea that winning is everything. People used to play music for their own enjoyment and that of friends and family. Now unless we can be a commercial success, we tend to listen to someone else's music in our earphones, denying ourselves the pleasure of playing and isolating us from friends and family.

You speak of bridled horses. They are not all beaten, down trodden animals. The successful ones are doing what feels good to them, what exhilarates them. The winning racehorse has heart, and loves the race. The successful plowhorse is exhilarated by the physical exertion, the test of muscle versus load. We speak of horse and rider acting in unison, as one.

And most of us do not start out terribly skilled; skill requires training, practice, effort, and discipline. And to get through all that, you'd better be doing what excites you, what gives you joy, and what satisfies your soul. I, too, have practiced many trades: statistics, computer programming, dairy farming, writing, and graphic arts among them. And now I move packages at UPS, and I love that, too. And I love to cook, clean, sew, knit, and care for my wife and daughter (and the three grown kids from the first marriage).

I'll probably never cook for a restaurant nor win prizes, but people enjoy my cooking and keep coming back for more. My cooking benefits other, and leaves me feeling good and more self-confident. It lends to a closeness with all four kids that I treasure. It lets me feel like a wife to my wife. It gives me a reason to read all those women's magazines and to stay in the kitchen at parties, with all the other women, talking about cooking and children. And doing what I find exciting and satisfying mitigates my negative emotions (like, if I'm so good, how come I'm not rich and famous and why do I keep making the same mistakes and why am I not more of a social activist or as caring and effective as some of the genetic women I know?).  But the bottom line is more and more I love my life.

Finally, there's an Hasidic tale about two lost wanderers lost in a forest. The first asks: "Do you know the way out?" And the second replies, "No, but I know what I've tried that hasn't worked. And you know what you've tried. Together, we'll have a better chance of finding our way out." So keep writing; the unicorn forest is a good and safe place to wander.

A hug from me, too
S

[dustbunny]

My wife often refers to me as the Beast ( a reference to the Disney movie). The Beast did not free himself from the spell by focusing on his appearance, but by acting for the benefit of others. Rabbi Hillel had roughly the same idea in mind, 2000 years ago, when he said:  If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?

Do what interests you, and what you are good at (or could be good at, with work). And do it so that you make life better for others. Unfortunately our society promotes the idea that winning is everything. People used to play music for their own enjoyment and that of friends and family. Now unless we can be a commercial success, we tend to listen to someone else's music in our earphones, denying ourselves the pleasure of playing and isolating us from friends and family.

You speak of bridled horses. They are not all beaten, down trodden animals. The successful ones are doing what feels good to them, what exhilarates them. The winning racehorse has heart, and loves the race. The successful plowhorse is exhilarated by the physical exertion, the test of muscle versus load. We speak of horse and rider acting in unison, as one.

And most of us do not start out terribly skilled; skill requires training, practice, effort, and discipline. And to get through all that, you'd better be doing what excites you, what gives you joy, and what satisfies your soul. I, too, have practiced many trades: statistics, computer programming, dairy farming, writing, and graphic arts among them. And now I move packages at UPS, and I love that, too. And I love to cook, clean, sew, knit, and care for my wife and daughter (and the three grown kids from the first marriage).

I'll probably never cook for a restaurant nor win prizes, but people enjoy my cooking and keep coming back for more. My cooking benefits other, and leaves me feeling good and more self-confident. It lends to a closeness with all four kids that I treasure. It lets me feel like a wife to my wife. It gives me a reason to read all those women's magazines and to stay in the kitchen at parties, with all the other women, talking about cooking and children. And doing what I find exciting and satisfying mitigates my negative emotions (like, if I'm so good, how come I'm not rich and famous and why do I keep making the same mistakes and why am I not more of a social activist or as caring and effective as some of the genetic women I know?).  But the bottom line is more and more I love my life.

Finally, there's an Hasidic tale about two lost wanderers lost in a forest. The first asks: "Do you know the way out?" And the second replies, "No, but I know what I've tried that hasn't worked. And you know what you've tried. Together, we'll have a better chance of finding our way out." So keep writing; the unicorn forest is a good and safe place to wander.

A hug from me, too
S

Over the years I've lost the enjoyment and passion for things. Nothing really holds my interest nor pleasure anymore. I feel distracted, frustrated and trapped. I honestly look forward to days when I'm totally apathetic. Though regardless no days do I manage to get things done. Everything is a task, a chore and I loathe it. I don't know how to return to having things I enjoy again. Everything frustrates me and it makes me feel like a worthless/useless person.

In my avatar on here I am wearing a mustang belt. I think if I got what I really wanted I would have the wind in my hair and the painted canyon and the rest of the world far out of sight. I envision this feeling of freedom, but my efforts literally feel like beating a dead horse to try to get it to drink the water I dragged it to.

[rite_of_inversion]

Just out of curiousity-been to a shrink? Lack of motivation, self-dislike, feelings of pointlessness, feeling "useless," disorganized thinking, anhedonia... sounds like chronic, low grade, clinical depression...or at least it could be.

[dustbunny]

Just out of curiousity-been to a shrink? Lack of motivation, self-dislike, feelings of pointlessness, feeling "useless," disorganized thinking, anhedonia... sounds like chronic, low grade, clinical depression...or at least it could be.

Yes. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and obcessive-compulsive tendencies. The root cause of these though really has less to do with brain chemistry and more to do with how my worldview has changed over the years and my inability to deal with certain aspects of my life (my gender confusion being one of them). Likewise my adrenals and thyroid are both underfunctioning which can contribute to all of the above feelings. If I can find a way to have another paradigm shift I'll probably be able to manage, but I have to work that out with myself philosophically first which is why I asked how people cope, because it seems many of us base our sense of worth on accomplishment, the opinions of others, etc, all of which are faulty systems and have lead to my current state of unrest.

[no_id]

How do you build it and what makes you feel confident?

By repeating things that make me feel good about myself.
If I can throw a glass in the air and make it land in my palm I'll do it again.
.. Probably I'll fail and the glass will break, but I still managed it once

Also, if you could present physically as your ideal how would it look?

Exactly the way I do now.
Over time I dropped my dream image and instead started working with what I have and finding my comfort zone in that.
Yes, that does mean that I sometimes wore the same outfit two weeks straight simply because of the feedback I got.
Point is: I got there.

I can't figure out how I would like to present, or rather what I would like to look like. I know what makes me feel more comfortable, but not what I feel like could express fully how I feel.

It takes time, effort, setbacks and achievements. And a lot of fun experiments that sometimes will also turn out not to be that much fun. It takes quite a backbone and growing one might also take time . Maybe you'll never be done, but you'll always be on the right track if you dare to try.

[tekla]

Oddly enough, I have built my self-confidence by daring to do things that stretch me and are in line with my life goals. I have farmed, started my own business, written poetry, applied twice to rabbinic seminary, and married twice. Often, I fail, but have learned I am capable of more than I had thought possible. Reviewing what happened, I learn new strategies for managing the bundle of skin and bones, emotions, experiences, prejudices, and weird brain circuitry that constitute me. And I am able to adjust my goals.

QFT

I'm reminded that Gandhi once said one of our most precious rights is the right to fail. 

[Simone Louise]

my adrenals and thyroid are both underfunctioning

When I was a child, doctors considered radiation treatment an effective alternative to tonsillectomy. Two of my cousins and I had the treatment. One of my cousins died in his 30s; the other had her thyroid removed. I simply have benign nodes on my thyroid, get regular letters from the hospital asking if I am still alive, and a regular checkup from an endocrinologist.

So your saying your thyroid tests low raised a red flag for me. I searched the National Institutes of Health website to find the symptoms of under-functioning (which I suppose you already know). Thyroid: "Too little thyroid hormone causes hypothyroidism, which slows down bodily functions and leads to fatigue, weight gain, cold intolerance, and related symptoms." Adrenal: " The most common symptoms are chronic, worsening fatigue, muscle weakness, loss of appetite, and weight loss." Either can kill you.

To build self-confidence, your first step must be to take care of your health. That is as directive as I can make it. If I could fly to Minnesota and take you by the hand to the Mayo Clinic (or its functional alternative), I would.

I suspect money is short, and I don't know how to get you help with the system there. My experience here leads me to believe that local, liberal clergy can help direct you and, possibly, advocate for you. Maybe others on this forum have had experience. Whatever it takes, get treated for what ails you. And keep in touch.

Be well,
S

[ativan]

Your mental/emotional abilities and physical health go hand in hand. You bounce one off the other as an excuse for not doing anything about either. Just an observation.

You need to get to a doctor and work out a med plan that you're comfortable with.
You need to see a therapist to help you get through as many emotional, and if needed mental problems your having. And you can't do just one or the other.

You also need to just stand up to the things that you feel are keeping you down.

Wild mustangs lead miserable lives, dealing with nothing but survival hardships their entire lives. I know, I deal with horses and I have done a fair amount of research on rescuing one or more. On the other hand, I have brought back abused and neglected horses to lead lives that are content and filled with anticipation of working with their owners each day.

Everyone wants that feeling of freedom, but you never get it for free. It takes getting your life in order and doing the work and putting in the effort to get there. And more of the same to stay there.

I live with clinical depression, some OCD stuff, and Borderline Personality (please look that up if you do not know exactly what it means). I live with cronic pain in my joints, and my nerves seem to just light up when ever they feel like it.
I take a handful of meds in the morning and again at night. Without most of them I would be dead. Some days I wish I was.

The point is, I suppose, is that I will never let anything negative stop me from doing what is positive in my life. Yes I have to wear a halters worth of meds and it hurts some days, but I can still let the winds of heaven blow past my ears and mane. But only because I refuse to stay in the barn.

Step off the edge, let go. That moment that time stands still and the world is tranquil, for just that moment, lives with you forever. Get started.