I put this in the SO section because Sono thought this would help cisgender people gain a better understanding of what dypshoria is. If the mods feel this thread is better served elsewhere, feel free to move it. I request that this thread be stickied if the mods find no objection to it, as Sono believes that this information is extremely valuable to cisgendered people.
DISCLAIMERThe following is an edited discussion between myself and someone else. In it I explain both my thoughts and feelings over my own dysphoria. As such, these messages are much less reserved than what I would normally post in a public forum. I do not mean to try to make any generalizations, nor am I trying to speak for all males/females cis or trans, nor do I mean to suggest that everyone experiences dysphoria in the same way. If it sounds like I am making any such statements, I apologize in advance. I did not originally write these messages to be posted publicly. If anyone takes offense to anything contained in these messages, I am willing to debate the issue in a reasonable way as long as the thread stays on topic.
QuoteI don't know if I could go through transition, but I don't have dysphoria, so I don't know what I'd be willing to go through. I do know it's got to take a lot courage and strength.
For me it takes desperation more than strength. I don't know how anyone could have enough "strength" to transition. Courage, I can maybe see something happening with courage. But to me, transition has less to do with courage, and more to do with survival. Imagine a badger trapped in a corner. The badger will fight with ferocity to get to a position that it considers safe. Now, imagine that you are that badger. If you are that badger, then transition is the ONLY position that is safe. Remaining in the corner (the wrong body) feels like the grip of the devil stealing your soul away, leaving you with an empty and void personality. I cannot even describe what dysphoria feels like. I cannot even imagine what it feels like, and I am still experiencing it. It is that difficult to comprehend. It still surprises me how bad it can feel, and I've had dysphoric feelings for approximately eighteen years.
If the dysphoria is bad enough, you would be willing to go through just about anything. It really depends on the severity. Some people have it less severe, and they find it easier to manage. Some people have it worse, and they would commit suicide if they had no way to transition.
QuoteI watched 127 Hours recently, the story about the guy who cut off his arm to survive, and I wondered if I would have the courage to do the same thing. I still am not sure about this, though I would guess that I don't.
That wouldn't be the first comparison I would make, but it might work if it helps you understand. In a way, dysphoria is much like being trapped in a lethal situation. You know it is going to get worse, and there are really only two ways out: death or transition. The worse the dysphoria gets, the more willing you are to do one of those two things. The dysphoria feels so bad that you will eventually make one of those choices. Some people can live in denial for years, or most of their lifetimes, but the dysphoria catches up with them eventually. I suppose for those who lack courage, they choose death.
ADDENDUM: Please note that I am not intending to call anyone a coward. Committing suicide in itself takes a great amount of courage. Suicide is not "the coward's way out" as it is often portrayed by some people. Suicide is a desperation move. I do not necessarily equate suicide with cowardice. But in terms of degrees of courage, while it often takes courage to take one's own life, I perceive that it takes even more courage to transition.
[/addendum]I wish I could describe what it feels like to feel like you are trapped in the wrong body, but I can't. I could give you the cliche "imagine that you wake up as the opposite sex" but that would be a useless suggestion. To be honest, imagining that you wake up as the opposite sex would only give you a dimunitive fraction of an idea of what GID is. I don't think there's any way that anyone could imagine the complex and comprehensive feelings that are present with body or gender dysphoria. It is way too much to just conjure up in a few seconds. You'd have to think really hard for a really long time to even come up with a basic idea of what GID actually feels like. It's not going to happen with some casual ponderance.
One of the main reasons society has such trouble understanding transsexualism is precisely because the condition is so difficult to imagine. Many people might assume that I am just a man that wants to be a woman. At best, they may conclude that I have a really intense desire to be a woman. But "really intense desire" would be the biggest possible understatement of what GID actually feels like. I feel severe emotional stress from the very fact that I am male.
Have you ever had a really stressfull job? Did you have to deal with naggy coworkers, unjust supervisors, long hours, or tough workloads? It's infuriating, isn't it? Imagine yourself at a stressfull job. Now imagine that you must work 24 hours a day, seven days a week, every week of the year, for the rest of your life. Oh yeah, and don't forget that there are no lunch breaks. That is what dysphoria is. No matter how much you try to relax, no matter how much meditation you do, it is always there. You feel overworked and overstressed just by there sheer act of existing. Also, dysphoria tends to get worse over time for most people. The feeling of being overstressed builds on itself until it becomes unbearable. If you can comprehend that, then you can understand at least the principle of what dysphoria feels like.
QuoteI think what you wrote to me is brilliant, and should be even published in a mainstream publication, because it is so very hard for cis gendered people to understand what transgendered people are going through.
It's the best explanation I've come up with for what I feel.
I know exactly what you are talking about, about cisgenders not understanding transsexuals. I know about it because I know that at surface level, there doesn't actually seem to be that much difference between men and women. So if anyone were to "imagine being the opposite sex" then their initial conclusion would be that it would not be very different from what they currently experience.
I have my own little theory I've been kicking around on this. I think that biochemically there are a lot more differences between males and females than we realize. What we see as "male or female" is only the surface level. We see breasts, we see genitals. We see differences in how men and women react to certain things, and some different types of interests and socialization. But for the most part, people are just people. They go to work, cook supper, and go to sleep. There are as many variations among gender as there is between gender. For the most part, one's gender or sexuality appears to play a very minor role in their life. So if they try to imagine being the opposite sex, they come to the conclusion that it couldn't possibly be too difficult to adjust to. Annoying perhaps, but not too terrible.
However, this would be the incorrect conclusion, as the evidence from transgendered people shows otherwise. I have a theory that could explain why. I think it's because what we see as gender and sex is actually only a very small portion of what it actually is. I think there are all sorts of differences inside the body that we don't see. Because we don't see them, we don't realize they are there. Science has yet to discover these small, and perhaps individually microscopic differences. So, we don't know how to see them. But people who perceive themselves being in the wrong body can FEEL them.
The reason people can't imagine very well what it feels like to be the opposite sex, is because there are simply too many differences biochemically in the body to easily imagine such a thing. I know what it feels like to be male because I was born that way [with a male body]. If I was not born like that, I find it highly unlikely that I would be able to imagine with any detail what it feels like to have an erection, what it feels like to ejaculate, or what facial hair feels like. I doubt I would have any clue whatsoever if I were cis, what any of those things are actually like.
QuoteSince I've been on this site and started to understand more about ->-bleeped-<-, I've thought, what would I feel like if I were in a man's body? And my answer is, well, I don't think it would be that bad. I assume I would just adjust to it.
That's exactly what everyone thinks. But the real truth is that it is absolutely horrible. I can't even explain what exactly is so horrible. I mean, there are a lot of things individually that aren't so bad. For example, male sexuality isn't all so bad. I could see myself living with a penis. It may not be preferred, but it would be doable. I could come to enjoy masturbation as a male. I don't think that would be a huge obstacle. Sex with another person would probably be more of a problem. But maybe, it could work.
And then there's not having breasts. When I was younger I really wanted breasts. But after thinking about it logically, I got to thinking that maybe it's not such a huge deal. If I were born female, for example, it might not bother me so much if I had tiny breasts. Maybe I could accept it.
And then there's facial hair. I hate facial hair. I hate shaving. But then I got to thinking, what if I were born female but had facial hair? Maybe it would be doable. Maybe the annoyance of shaving wouldn't be so infuriating. I could probably come to terms with being a female with a facial hair problem.
Individually, aspects of maleness are not so bad. Most of them would be livable individually, or even enjoyable despite some mild dysphoric feelings. The problem is that I don't "just" have facial hair, or a penis, or a lack of breasts, or a lack of feminine body shape, or the wrong balance of hormones in the body. I have all of these things SIMULTANEOUSLY. While the dysphoria over any one of these things is actually very small, the combined dysphoria from all of them is very huge. As a whole, the body just feels wrong. It feels very awkward. It is distressing, particularly when it is expressing the more common male features such as the growth of facial hair or erections.
As soon as you eliminate the erection in the morning, then you shave the facial hair, then you go to work or school where people perceive and react to you because of the way you look, then you get back from work and you have another erection. It is an endless cycle. The dysphoria provokes stress. But every time you try to address the issues associated with dysphoria, something else crops up. It's the facial hair growing out again, the knowledge that people treat you a certain way because of your looks, it's another spontaneous erection, it's the knowledge that when you go to sleep you know you will wake up with "morning wood"
Even a very minor dysphoria which repeats itself enough times eventually becomes unbearable. Eventually your entire life becomes consumed by wanting to avoid the distress caused by dysphoria. But of course, the only way to do that is to change the things which provoke it. And the only way to do that is transition, as much as is possible, the body and the personality to what the mind perceives it is supposed to be.
The reason dysphoria is so impossible to understand is because there's isn't a good logical mechanism to understand it. Dysphoria isn't logical, it is emotional. When we think of things, we try to think about them logically. If you think about dysphoria logically, it is impossible to understand what it is. If you actually did wake up as a man, then the logical thing to do would be to deal with the awkward situation, and the logical conclusion would be that you would eventually become accustomed to being perceived as a man, and that you would eventually learn how to operate the male body.
In reality, this is not the case. Although I can easily learn how to operate the male body, I cannot just "adjust" to being male. I feel like I am supposed to be female. This emotional feeling causes me distress. The stress makes it difficult for me to interact normally with society or carry out normal activities.
QuoteI don't think the people are at fault -- it's just a concept that is hard to adjust to and they don't know any transgendered individuals to get a proper perspective and form any sort of reasonable opinion.
I don't really blame people for lack of knowledge. I don't like people judging me, but I can't really blame them for not being able to understand what I am doing and why I am doing it. But if push comes to shove, I will fight for my right to my own body. I'm not hurting anyone, so they have no right to try to force me to do something that I don't want to do. In this case, the thing that I don't want to do is remain male. In fact, I can't remain male. I've reached my limit. I am in too much emotional distress to put transition off for another year or two. I am already having too many problems trying to function normally in society, and not being "out" to most of the people I know makes it even more difficult because I am hiding all my emotional baggage. My brain has become a dumpster, and the emotional baggage of dysphoria is starting to push off the lid.
