Bad Jokes

[Jayne]

A man is standing on the scales desperately sucking in his stomach. "That's not going to help" says his wife "yes it will" replies the man "It's the only way I can see the numbers"

Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town

My dad used to say "fight fire with fire"
I guess that explains why he got kicked ou tof the fire birgade

A man walks in a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm "do you make fishcakes?" he asks "Of course we do" the fishmonger replies "good" says the man "it's his birthday"

Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish & he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day

A male fly & a female fly are busy eating a cow pat when the male fly farts "do you mind" says the female fly "I'm trying to eat"

[Cindy]

Not a joke per se, but had me in stitches.

Female friend, in bed, woke up as her husband was having sex with her from behind.
"What are you doing!"
"You were snoring." 

That is terrible ( )

[justmeinoz]

Another girl and I nearly wet ourselves!

[Cindy]

A man walks in a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm "do you make fishcakes?" he asks "Of course we do" the fishmonger replies "good" says the man "it's his birthday"

Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish & he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day

I reckon they are Jamie fodder

[V M]

This vid. is just too funny 

WARNING

Some foul language

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.


In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France. The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine. Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh. To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, "Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."

[dalebert]

Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish & he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day

Reminds me of this slogan:

Build a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a night.
Set a man on fire and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.

[Jamie D]

How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your front yard?

There is garbage all over the place and the trashcan liners are missing.

[dalebert]

How do you keep an elephant from escaping under the fence?
Tie a knot in its tail.

How do get an elephant into a Volkswagon Beetle?
Throw a peanut in.

How do you get two elephants into a VW B?
Play love music on the radio.

How do you get four elephants into a VW B?
2 in the front seats. 2 in the back.

How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? (I know it's old, but bare with me)
Footprints in the peanut butter.

How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
You can hear them talking.

How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
Door won't shut.

How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
Volkswagon Beetle is parked outside.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

**************************************** WARNING THIS IS REALLY SICK ************************************


A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.

[dalebert]

A man has been seeing his doctor about severe erectile dysfunction for years to no avail. His doctor convinces him to try a new experimental surgery whereby they will replace tissue in his penis with muscles from an elephant's trunk. He heals up and it finally seems to have worked.

He's on a date for the first time in years and he's waiting nervously for the waiter when suddenly his penis, all on it's own, frees itself from his pants, comes up onto the table top, wraps itself around a dinner roll, and disappears back under the table. Both his eyes and his date's eyes get very big. Her jaw has dropped. He starts trying to think of what to say but his date beats him to it.

"WOW, that was impressive!" she says.

"Really" he asks? "I didn't mean to... I mean it's just that..."

And before he can even finish, it happens again, and another dinner roll disappears under the table. The man grimaces.

"No, no. Don't be embarrassed. I'm really impressed!"

Suddenly it happens again and the guy grimaces even harder and actually makes a grunting noise this time, holding his face in his hands.

"Yay!" she says clapping. "Do it again!"

The man seems to have difficulty speaking for some reason.

"Uhm.... I think I probably could but I don't think I can fit any more dinner rolls up my ass."

[Kevin Peña]

What's with all of the elephant stuff?

Joke --> What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh.

[Beth Andrea]

What's with all of the elephant stuff?

Joke --> What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh.

Yeah, those elephant jokes don't qualify as "bad" jokes...I've been laughing so hard my trunk's stopped getting dinner rolls...

[Kevin Peña]

Stairs, thou art nothing but an organized hill. I laughed so hard when I first heard this one.

[Alexis]

Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!"

[dalebert]

Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!"

For some reason I am embarrassed that I laughed at this.

[Elena G]

'What's my favourite Christmas wine?'






'Mom, I don't wanna eat my brussels sprouts!'

[Your Humble Savant]

What do you call bread that's been thrown into the ocean?

Soggy

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
He wanted to go bear foot.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.


Two atoms are talking:

"Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

[Constance]

What did the elephant say to the to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that little thing?