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Bad Jokes

Started by Cindy, March 13, 2011, 03:29:37 AM

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SaveMeJeebus

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?
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V M

What happens if you catch a dirty cop taking a bribe in L.A. and call them on it?

You get arrested
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS


- V M
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SaveMeJeebus

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"
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dalebert


dalebert

Quote from: Cindy on July 27, 2013, 01:20:18 PM
OK Dalebert!!!

An Australian, American, Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar.

The American, Englishman and Irishman duck.

The bar runs away.

I'm part Irish and I'm offended!

MadeleineG

Man: Doctor! Doctor! I'm having a problem with my bowels.
Doctor: And evidently your consonants, too.
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Beth Andrea

Two men were golfing, and saw a pair of women ahead of them. The women were playing slowly, so one of the men said, "I'll go up there and ask if we can go by them." "Ok, sounds like a plan," said the other.

The first man walks about halfway there, looks, then comes back. "What happened? What did they say?" the second man asked. "Oh my, one of the women is my wife, and the other is my girlfriend. I don't dare show my face to either."

Ok," said the second man. "I'll go and ask them." So he gets about halfway, turns around, and comes back. "What happened? What did they say"? the first man asked.

Second man says, "Small world, ain't it?"

:-X
...I think for most of us it is a futile effort to try and put this genie back in the bottle once she has tasted freedom...

--read in a Tessa James post 1/16/2017
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Anna++

Meanwhile, in Australia:

Sometimes I blog things

Of course I'm sane.  When trees start talking to me, I don't talk back.



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bethany

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blond hands
over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title,
and  everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls
as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank drives the car into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there. Two weeks later; the blonde returns and repays the loan and the interest somes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a bit puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies... "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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SaveMeJeebus

Do you like Knock Knock jokes? I believe that the inventor of the knock knock joke deserves a "No-bell" prize.
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dalebert


dalebert

Quote from: Beth Andrea on August 07, 2013, 05:36:46 PM
Ok," said the second man. "I'll go and ask them." So he gets about halfway, turns around, and comes back. "What happened? What did they say"? the first man asked.

Second man says, "Small world, ain't it?"

They should just become swingers. Problem solved!

Beth Andrea

Quote from: dalebert on August 10, 2013, 12:01:33 PM
They should just become swingers. Problem solved!

They are swingers...they play golf!

;)
...I think for most of us it is a futile effort to try and put this genie back in the bottle once she has tasted freedom...

--read in a Tessa James post 1/16/2017
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dalebert


big kim

Is that Mr Ince the Blackpool Football Club Manager? This is the Police I have good news and bad news for you
OK what's the bad news?
There's been a break in and all the cups have been stolen
What's the good news?
They didn't take the saucers
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dalebert

Criss Angel and Houdini walk into a bakery. Criss palms 3 Donuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Houdini, I make donuts disappear at will!"

Houdini responds, "Not bad, not bad at all." Houdini then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick. The curious owner answers, "Of course!" Houdini proceeds to ask him for a Doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for another one, and then eats it as well. He then asks him for a third one, which the owner reluctantly gives up. "So where is the magic trick? I gave you 3 donuts already!" Houdini responds, "Go check Criss Angel's pocket."


Dreams2014

I was depressed, so I ate a bowl of cheerios.
Farewell to my friends, farewell to the life I knew. I burn what once was, and in the ashes I am born anew.
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Danielle Emmalee

Quote from: Dreams2014 on August 19, 2013, 11:38:06 AM
I was depressed, so I ate a bowl of cheerios.

Then I found out they were gloomios.
Discord, I'm howlin' at the moon
And sleepin' in the middle of a summer afternoon
Discord, whatever did we do
To make you take our world away?

Discord, are we your prey alone,
Or are we just a stepping stone for taking back the throne?
Discord, we won't take it anymore
So take your tyranny away!
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dalebert

I had a co-worker named... I'll change the first name for anonymity sake since it doesn't affect the joke. His name was Frank Wong.

I made a sign for his office window that said "If you're looking for Frank, you're in the Wong place."

He said he had heard the joke a million times and he hated it. On a side note, apparently the surname "Wong" is more common in China than "Smith" here or something like that.