Bad Jokes

[Devlyn]

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a shepherd? Mick Jagger says "Hey you, get offa my cloud" and the shepherd says "Hey McCleod, get offa my ewe!" Hugs, Devlyn

[Constance]

A rabbi, an imam, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Is this a joke?"

[Devlyn]

Aa rabbi, an imam, and a priest are on a crowded airplane. It's going down. The rabbi says "Save the children!" The imam says "Screw the children!" The priest says "Is there time?"

[Natkat]

little Emma are sitting on the table eating the bread her mother just made.
after some bites Emma look at the bread and say:
"mom! there is a fly on my bread"
"- no Emma I made the bread with raisins"
"But there is still a fly on my bread"
"- I told you its a raisin"
"no its a fly"
Now her mother got angry and turned around exclaiming "For the last time! when I say its a raisin its a raisin! now eat the raisin and your bread" a sillence apear and little Emma say:

"I can't
the raisin flew away.... "

[Jamie-o]

What do you call 10 rabbits all in a row, hopping backwards?

A receding hare line.



What's the difference between a chiropodist and a bad drummer?

A chiropodist bucks up your feet ...

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, who is laying on the floor?

Matt

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, who is hanging on the wall?

Art.

[Your Humble Savant]

A red ship and a blue ship crashed into each other.
All of the sailors got marooned.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[Sephirah]

What do you call a fly with no wings?


A walk.

[Jamie-o]

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?

So he could hide in the cherry tree.

[Sephirah]

Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath.

He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Jamie-o]

Back when Gorbachev was President, the Soviet Union hosted a cultural exchange of news media.  Jack, a meteorologist from Boston, and his wife found themselves seated next to Jack's soviet counterpart, Rudolph, at dinner.  Naturally, the talk soon turned to the weather.

"You know," says Jack, "At my TV station we use the very latest in Doppler Radar technology.  I gave my station manager a call before dinner, and he says we're looking at 65 degrees and sunny all week here in Moscow."

Rudolph shakes his head and replies, "No.  I look at Soviet satellite image just twenty minutes ago.  Is going to rain."

"Oh, I don't think so.  No disrespect intended, but I think your satellite is wrong.  It's definitely going to be sunny."

"No.  Is rain."

This argument went on for a little while until Jack's wife put a waring hand on her husbands arm and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear."

[PrincessKnight]

I think my timepiece is broken... it doesn't seem to watch anything.

I don't get people's desires to get a good haircut. Isn't it the bad hairs that you want cut? Leave the good hairs alone...

What do you call a German rabbit who is also a doctor specialising in baldness cures?
Herr Doktor!
(y'know, 'cause Herr means "mister," and sounds like "hair" and "hare")

A very popular stripper named "Soda" had some work done on her breasts, which upset her customers. People started complaining because their Soda had gone flat.

As I was getting dressed, I realised I had put my shoes on the wrong feet. I still don't know whose.

[justmeinoz]

She held his hand as they walked the path through the wintry forest.
"This is the last time I will hold your hand like this you know", she said ,
as she dropped his hand in the shallow grave.

[Cindy]

She held his hand as they walked the path through the wintry forest.
"This is the last time I will hold your hand like this you know", she said ,
as she dropped his hand in the shallow grave.

7,

most aren't bad.

But very funny loved Rudolph, going into my dinner talk  joke folder

[Jamie D]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, who is laying on the floor?

Matt

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, who is hanging on the wall?

Art.

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on the grill?

Patty.

[Your Humble Savant]

Should I tell a sodium joke?
Na.

[Jamie D]

Should I tell a sodium joke?
Na.

Elementary, my dear Watson.

(He, He, He)

[Constance]

Should I tell a sodium joke?
Na.

Good lord, if you still lived at home I'd either have to ground you or raise your allowance for that one!

Hickory dickory dock
Two mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The other got away

[Jamie D]

I was about to enter the freeway the other day, when I saw a one-legged man hitch-hiking on the side of the road.  So I slowed my car, rolled down the window, and said, "Hey buddy, hop in!"

[PrincessKnight]

Having finally captured Tinkerbell, Captain Hook shoved her in a jar of vinegar. He was tickled pink that he pickled Tink.

With the use of birth control, some women only have one period every few months. Lucky... when I was in high school, I had six periods a day.

My son is going to be playing peewee soccer, so I bought him a sippy cup for protection.

The Joker dressed up as The Boy Wonder and went on a spree stealing a certain bird from pet stores. The headlines read, "Robin's robbin' robbins!?"

Don't look at me with those big puppy dog eyes... give them back to Spot.

A student was tasked with completing a list of mathematical equations as the teacher counted down from 10. The student tried his best and by the time the teacher got to 7, he had done his addition; by 5 he had done subtraction, by 3 he had done his multiplication. But though he did very well, he could not complete the assignment, as he was unable to divide by 0.