I Need a Plan

[A]

Okay, so I am here, contemplating my future. I am absolutely thrilled by my future as a female... But the stage between that future and now is a big question mark I need to solve, and I would like your advice on this. First, here is my situation:

-I am 19 20 years old and have decided to transition two years ago. I have been struggling with the health care system since then.
-I live in a pretty underpopulated place in Canada.
-My family accepts my situation but does not support me much, with the exception of my father, who has a hard time understanding.
-I live in an apartment with a (nasty) co-tenant.
-I have not started HRT yet.
-I am currently seeing a psychiatrist until he gives me my reference for the above.
-I have just "transitioned" (haha, not THAT transition) from a school program to another, after leaving the first thrice because of a recurring depression. I am starting the new, multimedia integration (something about computer arts, to make it short) in August. This program lasts 3 years.
-I have little social contacts, but as I have grown here, there is surely someone who knows me everywhere.

Summary done. Okay, so basically, everything depends on when (or IF) the psychiatrist gives me my referral for the endocrinologist. However, while I can hardly know when that will happen, it will probably be between August and next summer. This is irrelevant to my question, though.

Basically, I need to know what to do for the actual transition. I want to have a life as normal as possible. You may say that I should be open and pave the way for future people like me, and I would reply that I'm not ready to do that. This would be easy if I could just "teleport" to being a woman the day the psychiatrist says yes, but there's a wait. HRT needs time to work, and I need to do my name change (which will almost necessarily be before the "official sex" change, but I can live through this).

Right now, I am kind of lucky in the fact that with a little disguising (clothes, a stuffed bra, make-up...) I could almost surely pass in public. But I do not want to do this just yet: I am transitioning to live as the true me, to stop lying and to be true to myself. I have disguised myself all my life. I don't want more lies or disguise more during transition; it would not feel right.

But I know once I start HRT, I wlll not be able to pass as male for long. My family is quite gifted in the area of breasts, and I already am "somewhat passable". Yet I need some constance...

Here are the possibilities I see for my transition at school:

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-I go full-time right now.

Problems:

-It would not feel right to "disguise" (I want to BE a woman, not LOOK like one...). Plus, I would need to put on make-up or something every morning to hide my facial hair and find an excuse to all my body fat being in my belly. It's a lot of hassle to still feel wrong.

-I would not be able to change my name officially (I need a letter from the psychiatrist) so I would need to arrange with the school to change my name in their records and be careful with everything I do.

-Some people would recognize me for sure.

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-I take some time off until I can be sure there's no problem.

Problems:

-I will have the same problems at work.

-I will lose a year of my life, which would be pretty hard on me since I have already lost two with those depressions.

-The psychiatrist would see this as fear, deem me unready and deny me transition.

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-I just come out one morning and say "I'm a girl. Got a problem?"

Problems:

-This is a small town and, Facebook helping [I don't have an account though], everyone will know by the time two days elapse, thus negating my chances of living a normal life for AT LEAST all my school life.

-I will expose myself to violence.

-It's just not me to do big, flashy things like that.

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-I start as a guy and just move out and go full time when it's okay to do so.

Problems:

-The psychiatrist might see this as refusing to face the harshness of life and deny me transition. (YES he still can at that point.)

-I will be away from my family and they will almost surely feel bad about it.

-Changing schools in the middle of a program is hard and not very wise grades- and success-wise, I think.

-Moving out far away is something I have never done, and I am unsure if I can survive in a big city.

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-Delay transition until my program is finished and start HRT exactly when it is.

Problems:

-One summer of HRT isn't going to change much and I will face the same problems at the university.

-I don't think I can take three extra years of torture.

-In three years, I will have lost all the luck I have right now. Puberty is still, luckily, touching up its work, but by then it'll be a big masterpiece of crap.

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I really don't know what to do. While talking with JadeS, the other day, it seemed like a brilliant idea to start "slight" HRT, which would stop the damage and cause little feminization for now, while I'm at school, then go "all-out" and full-time when I leave it, but thinking about it, it wouldn't help me much as I would have the same problems, or almost, at the university.

I really need help. I need a clear plan and I must be commited to it if I want the psychiatrist to give me a referral, but right now, I am still swimming in the dark.

Please help!

[Janet_Girl]

I believe That Larry the Cable Guy said it best.



Step up and Just   

OK maybe it is just an American thing, but it is time to just step forward and get going, Hon.

[A]

I got that. However, knowing how to do it is an important thing.

[Janet_Girl]

-I go full-time right now.

Problems:

-It would not feel right to "disguise" (I want to BE a woman, not LOOK like one...). Plus, I would need to put on make-up or something every morning to hide my facial hair and find an excuse to all my body fat being in my belly. It's a lot of hassle to still feel wrong.We all have faced this and did what we had too.  I am lucky in that my facial hair is mostly grey, so I can use regular makeup.

-I would not be able to change my name officially (I need a letter from the psychiatrist) so I would need to arrange with the school to change my name in their records and be careful with everything I do.Ask your psych for the letter.

-Some people would recognize me for sure.Part of the whole things, and if they do'  Just ether tell them or ignore them.

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-I take some time off until I can be sure there's no problem.

Problems:

-I will have the same problems at work.Maybe you will need to just live part time for a while.  Again we all have.

-I will lose a year of my life, which would be pretty hard on me since I have already lost two with those depressions.It takes time.  There is no magic pill to make it happen over night.

-The psychiatrist would see this as fear, deem me unready and deny me transition.Why?

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-I just come out one morning and say "I'm a girl. Got a problem?"

Problems:

-This is a small town and, Facebook helping [I don't have an account though], everyone will know by the time two days elapse, thus negating my chances of living a normal life for AT LEAST all my school life.Maybe it is time to move to a new area?

-I will expose myself to violence.We all face that and it is just part of the whole transition package.  Learn to watch your back, carry pepper spray, or other personal protection.

-It's just not me to do big, flashy things like that.No one says to be flashy, just dress like girls you age.

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-I start as a guy and just move out and go full time when it's okay to do so.

Problems:

-The psychiatrist might see this as refusing to face the harshness of life and deny me transition. (YES he still can at that point.)For now just do it anyway.

-I will be away from my family and they will almost surely feel bad about it.This happens when we move away from home to start a new life elsewhere.  Just part of life.

-Changing schools in the middle of a program is hard and not very wise grades- and success-wise, I think.That would be for you to talk over with the new college.  Things maybe transferable.

-Moving out far away is something I have never done, and I am unsure if I can survive in a big city.If you move, find an area that is more GLBT friendly.  If you have a job, that will pay for your basic living, which is a good thing

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-Delay transition until my program is finished and start HRT exactly when it is.

Problems:

-One summer of HRT isn't going to change much and I will face the same problems at the university.Well most Universities have GLBT organizations on campus.

-I don't think I can take three extra years of torture.Don't begin with just part time.  It does help some.

-In three years, I will have lost all the luck I have right now. Puberty is still, luckily, touching up its work, but by then it'll be a big masterpiece of crap.Explain things to you psych.  Let him know that you understand what HRT will and won't do.

Sorry if I am not more help.  But I started DIY ( not an advise way to go, BTW).  And when my therapist learned this, he wrote my HRT letter.

[A]

Okay, so if I understand well, my best option is to "start like that" and move out when I'm ready to go full-time. I guess that's an option... Though I'll need to save quite a lot of money and organize a lot to do the whole moving thing. But well, I would have had to move out anyway for university (well, most probably at least), so...

Thank you for helping me. If someone has good ideas, I will gladly take them.

[A]

Name change can be done anytime, true. However, if the chosen name is deemed "of the opposite gender" by those people, I need a letter for it. That's what my psych, THE trans specialist in the region, said. Was even he mistaken ?

Switching to a different psych: well, I can't just "switch". EVERY doctor here refer to that man and refuse to prescribe anything by themselves. He's the specialist and he's the one we must see. Plus, even if that weren't the case, the wait for a referral to a psychiatrist takes at least 3 months; more than a year sometimes.

About HRT, here is what that man who, I say it again, is THE specialist everyone refers trans patients to here, said:

"HRT with a knife on the throat, I must warn you, has never worked with me, and I greatly encourage you not to try it. I will not treat you if you do not follow my treatment guidelines, and if I won't treat you, nobody will."

He told me, when I first saw him earlier this year, that I should expect AT LEAST one year.

About going full-time right now: well, the idea is interesting, but how do you do that? I would need some serious help, I think. I mean, I still don't know how you tie hair, let alone shopping for a bra or stuffing it. Plus, I'm ultra-shy and need a lot of effort to get moving to do anything. It DOES look interesting, but I'm completely at loss when trying to see how to do it. I don't quite have a "female friend" who can show me the "tips" or whatever... How would I go about it? College starts in two months... I'm almost sure I could be "passable", but how much efforts would I need and, more importantly, WHERE do I put these efforts?

[JadeS]

wow that guy sounds horrible, if you lived in montreal you could go to St-Luc hospital (which is where I go), the psychs there are great and I'd highly recommend that place

[A]

Private psychiatrists are rare and costly. I know none in my area and my bank account currently has a balance of a very, very hard-earned 1000$, and it's not going up fast.

And as I said, I can't just walk in a place and ask to see a psychiatrist. If I were to move and be transferred, it would take a long while before I get an appointment. With great luck, 3 months. Without luck, much more. Plus, my lease more or less forces me to stay here for another year, unless I pay a 1700-dollar penalty or find someone to take my place with my non-bill-paying and dirty co-tenant and her cat [no friggin' way in hell]. And that other psychiatrist would also want to see me for at least 3 more months until I am referred.

It's... frustrating.

I was going to post in my blog about it, but oh well, it fits here.

That's putting aside the threats this dr L is giving me: at last week's appointment, he insinuated that he was giving me another one in August "because he's a good guy" and, after telling me he was deeply annoyed by the "play" I was giving him every time and that he wanted "concrete" objectives and successes proving that I am going forward with my life. Of course, I was speaking very fast, but isn't that normal for someone who just spent the night at the hospital waiting for a prescription for her urinary infection..? Anyway, I've always been trying to be honest with him, and now he's doing nothing but step on me.

He told me I had to solve my "other problems" (i.e. obsessive personality, organization problems and difficult social relationships) before we could even talk about transsexualism. So he gave me a grid of daily activities and an evaluation grid and told me to make an "objective book". Apparently, for him, that I am moving forward and doing things I failed before, grasping solely on the hope he represents (and hides very well behind his back) despite still being very uncomfortable with myself is not enough.

And whenever I even insinuate that one of my problems COULD be PARTLY linked to transsexualism, he gives me an insulted "excuse me?!" as though it was nonsense and excuses. And then he lets me off on threats, and I still don't get what he actually wants from me. And if I don't satisfy him on August 11th, my file will be closed and I will be deemed "unready". He might as well kill me.

ANYWAY. I'm pretty much fed up with him, but circonstances are such that I can't get out of this situation, it seems, and I have to deal with it.

Ideas, nevertheless?

[Colleen Ireland]

He told me I had to solve my "other problems" (i.e. obsessive personality, organization problems and difficult social relationships) before we could even talk about transsexualism. So he gave me a grid of daily activities and an evaluation grid and told me to make an "objective book". Apparently, for him, that I am moving forward and doing things I failed before, grasping solely on the hope he represents (and hides very well behind his back) despite still being very uncomfortable with myself is not enough.

And whenever I even insinuate that one of my problems COULD be PARTLY linked to transsexualism, he gives me an insulted "excuse me?!" as though it was nonsense and excuses. And then he lets me off on threats, and I still don't get what he actually wants from me. And if I don't satisfy him on August 11th, my file will be closed and I will be deemed "unready". He might as well kill me.

ANYWAY. I'm pretty much fed up with him, but circonstances are such that I can't get out of this situation, it seems, and I have to deal with it.

Ideas, nevertheless?

Wow, that's a tough one.  That guy sounds like a dinosaur, and an arrogant one at that.  And paternalistic.  The only thing I could advise you, is to find a way, ANY way, to move to some OTHER area.  Maybe Montreal.  Maybe Ontario.  Would it be an ideal situation?  No.  But your current situation sounds dire to me, and there may not be a solution, beyond waiting until you're done the program you've entered (3 years), and transitioning then (when you can presumably be employed and able to support yourself in whatever community you choose).  Don't think "Oh, I can't do that."  You CAN.  Many have done it.  It does require a great deal of perseverance and strength.  I endured a 32-year marriage, raised 3 kids to adulthood, and built a reasonably-successful life, but finally realized I had to deal with the "main issue."

As for your "other problems" not being related to your transgender identity?  Maybe some aren't, but in all likelihood, some are, especially difficulty with social relationships.  That's a BIGGIE.  I couldn't succeed at marriage, not only because my wife isn't into women, but also because, while I was in denial, I could not enter into any truly intimate relationships, because I had this "secret", which meant that LARGE parts of my self could not be shared.  No sharing, no intimacy, which is the thing I most crave in life.

Anyway, your situation is indeed truly difficult, but don't make the mistake of thinking there is no solution.  There is, but you may not like it.  It may be difficult.  But you need to decide which things are most important to you right now.  Perhaps education is the most important thing right now.  Fortunately, you are young, and you have lots of time to figure things out and get things done.  Maybe if you can find a way to make some extra money, you could start laser treatments.  You don't need anyone's permission for that.

Sounds like the situation in Quebec is very archaic compared with Ontario.  I got a referral to an endo from my family doctor, and even though I had a letter from my gender therapist, he didn't need to see it.  He just asked me a few questions, and was satisfied enough with my answers that he wrote my prescriptions.  Maybe it helped that I was fully in girl mode at the time.

Also, I used to think that I would need to be on HRT for a year before I could pass well enough to go full-time.  Nope.  I've been full-time since April 25 (April 8, really).  I'm accepted at work and everywhere else.  My old self is completely a memory now, my new self will soon be a mammary (lol!).  Sorry if none of this helps...

[A]

Sarah7: I wrote them an e-mail. Let's see if/what they reply.

Well, moving out is difficult, but I could eventually make it, I guess. I DID find an appartment in 3 days after being kicked out, after all. But the problem here is getting the "permission" to leave my apartment. Remember, I have to pay [the contents of my bank account] x1,7 to leave... Plus, I would need money to move and all. Life in big cities is hard and costly, and the money I earn is very small (a maintenance from my father and fragmental salaries from the few temporary jobs I can get). And I have a lot of trouble finding jobs: last year, three months of full-time job search got me nothing. And my methods ARE appropriate, that's what's frightening, as I impressed the employment specialists a lot.

About Québec: Well, it's not that archaic, really. It's just that dr L has gotten such a steady reputation (because however of a jerk he can be, he surprisingly is a very good psychiatrist, even though I am still waiting for a proof of that) that everyone here feels they must refer to him, even though law doesn't force them to.