Susan's Place Transgender Resources

She's threatening to tell my mother, because it's too big of a secret for her to keep. What can I do? She doesn't accept me at all, everytime we have an issue she screams slur words to me like the F word, and the T word. She said stuff about me being possibly abused, etc... She also says things about how trans women are clocky they don't pass, all of them are hookers, etc... (and you know I used to think those stuff too when I was 10-14 but then I realized that there is people like Laverne Cox and my sister watches orange is the new black but she is still transphobic). I tried writing her stuff but she still doesn't get it, I'm not good at talking to people face-to-face.

My mom is even more transphobic than her. I'm not thinking that this is all my fault I should have not expressed myself at all. My father? I don't know... I think he might be transphobic too, but maybe less than them.

What can I do? Should I tell her that I was just confused? What can I else say for her to accept me as me?

Oh sweetie! The cat is out of the bag now. Instead of trying to retract it you better instead get ready for some really tough times now. There is no telling what you will have to go through now. We will all be here when it get's really bad though. Hang in there and stick to your resolve. I am sorry they are like that.

Sometimes I just feel so guilty, she makes me feel like I'm a bad person for being myself when I can, and I feel bad for doing this to my family.

Just be honest, if she's going to tell she's going to tell, there's nothing you can do about it. The best thing you can do is he calm and collected and when she does stay strong and determined, treat it as a fact of your.life rather then the definition of it. If this is going to be something that you'll do regardless there's no point in denying it unless you are entirely dependant on them. I recommend finding a few really good essays and reports on trans people, and what it's like to be trans, just so she realises that you are serious and that this isn't the end of the world.

Sorry if this isn't helpful, it's what I did, although my parents were never openly transphobic
Sorry again
Best of luck :D

Quote from: Emily29 on October 13, 2014, 11:15:39 PM
I feel bad for doing this to my family.

Honey they are the one's who should be ashamed and guilty for making your true life a struggle. You are only accountable to YOU in this world. They lived their life as they saw fit and now it is your turn. Just be kind and compassionate when you deal with them. Show love and realize this is all new to them.  :)

I agree with Jessica. On the bright side you don't have to hide anymore. Silver lining?

My mom is muslim and I don't think she will ever accept me, though I know she loves me, It's just impossible. Yes I'm totally dependent on them, and it will be this way until I go to college I guess next fall.

Then rely on her love for you. Don't ask her to accept it, just ask that she be tolerant of you and who you are. No matter what you look like you will always be her child, you may need to remind her of that though

I don't get this. In Iran they force gays to undergo gender reassignment. I think that while much of the Muslim world is not progressive, some Muslims are. Give her the opportunity to love her new daughter, she might like it.

Baby religious views led my family to shun me so be prepared for that possibility. Just promise you will not live your life under anyone's finger, but your own. Be you, be happy, be well adjusted and if anyone says anything, it is their problem, not yours.  :)

I don't think she will accept it, and when she knows it she will try to change me by restricting me from my freetime, etc... and I will live in hell. She already knows I have something I'm not telling her and she's doing that.

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 13, 2014, 11:27:24 PM
I don't get this. In Iran they force gays to undergo gender reassignment. I think that while much of the Muslim world is not progressive, some Muslims are. Give her the opportunity to love her new daughter, she might like it.

My mom is from a country where there is only death penalty for lgbt individuals.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 13, 2014, 11:29:14 PM
Baby religious views led my family to shun me so be prepared for that possibility. Just promise you will not live your life under anyone's finger, but your own. Be you, be happy, be well adjusted and if anyone says anything, it is their problem, not yours.  :)

It's hard when you don't have freedom.

Emily

This is a very tricky situation.

I agree with Jessica that the 'cat' may be out of the bag.  This means that you appear to have 3 alternatives:

-   take this head on and speak with your father (if he is likely to be more supportive) or else with your mother before your sister does. 
-   you could also ask your sister for some time and think through how you wish to communicate this.  Writing down your thoughts, preparing material (as Jo suggests) and choosing a time that works for you will also help 
-   you could deny the conversation with your sister or say that it was a joke to see if you could trust your sister with bigger secrets.

Only you understand the family dynamic and the consequence of a major confrontation before you leave for college.  I don't want to suggest that any one of the above or indeed any other alternative approach will work best for you.  This is a tricky situation..Keep your cool.  Think clearly and try to control the communications process and the key messages/information.  Honesty is usually the best approach but ....

Safe travels

Aisla

Quote from: Jo-is-amazing on October 13, 2014, 11:26:09 PM
Then rely on her love for you. Don't ask her to accept it, just ask that she be tolerant of you and who you are. No matter what you look like you will always be her child, you may need to remind her of that though

^^ I think this is some sound advice on the way to word it. Good way to tickle the love receptors :)

It is all in the delivery, and taking it slow if you expect her to be intolerant. Try not to ask too much of her at once. Sometimes it just takes people a bit more time to come to terms with it, it is best not to rush the info on her. Be understanding of how hard this will be for her, and you will be in a better position for her to do the same for you.

Best of luck sweetie

I think Emily's fears are legitimate. Islam isn't exactly the most progressive religion there is.

Maybe the best bet is to put off transition until you can get out of the house. You're over 18 right? Maybe it's time to plan your way out.

Quote from: Aisla on October 14, 2014, 02:43:38 AM
Emily

This is a very tricky situation.

I agree with Jessica that the 'cat' may be out of the bag.  This means that you appear to have 3 alternatives:

-   take this head on and speak with your father (if he is likely to be more supportive) or else with your mother before your sister does. 
-   you could also ask your sister for some time and think through how you wish to communicate this.  Writing down your thoughts, preparing material (as Jo suggests) and choosing a time that works for you will also help 
-   you could deny the conversation with your sister or say that it was a joke to see if you could trust your sister with bigger secrets.

Only you understand the family dynamic and the consequence of a major confrontation before you leave for college.  I don't want to suggest that any one of the above or indeed any other alternative approach will work best for you.  This is a tricky situation..Keep your cool.  Think clearly and try to control the communications process and the key messages/information.  Honesty is usually the best approach but ....

Safe travels

Aisla

My father doesn't live with me it will be useless, as he has no type of relations with us...

Quote from: ImagineKate on October 14, 2014, 05:13:18 AM
I think Emily's fears are legitimate. Islam isn't exactly the most progressive religion there is.

Maybe the best bet is to put off transition until you can get out of the house. You're over 18 right? Maybe it's time to plan your way out.

Not yet but soon, and I'm not near financially stable... I never had a job and being transgender is not really something good to put on your resume, and I'm in high school it's not like I can get a full time job, it would be really hard for be to be independent.

I hate to say it but getting free of your parents is how you're going to do this. Even if you have to wait a little. College may be the best since you're starting soon. Even better if you're going away to school. Colleges have Lgbt resources that can help.

Emily,
I know what you're going through right now and one thing's for sure, don't ever say you were just confused, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. I'm living at home right now too and can't express so I know almost exactly what you're going through although my parents aren't Muslim. Don 't hesitate to PM me if you need anything girl.
Love and Hugs,
Kayla-

Talking out of my personal experiences here, tell them you were just confused, pretend you have a gf, and behind the scenes do all you can trans related, hormones, clothes, money, people who don't accept you don't deserve your love. I wouldn't care if my parents know, put on an act, but be quite active and secretive with the trans stuff

Good luck!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

She told her, now my mom beated me, and called me names, she said that she doesn't deserve someone like me because she didn't do anything bad, etc... She threatened me to send me back to Italy to some kind of asylum because I'm supposedly crazy, and she said that she hopes I will starve to death or something. Then she ran off crying, saying that she is really ashamed. Then she'll force me to cut my nails and hair short. How she said that reminded me of when I was 6 and she found me hiding and play with my sister's dolls and threatened to cut my penis. What a great day

Quote from: crowcrow223 on October 16, 2014, 03:55:05 AM
Talking out of my personal experiences here, tell them you were just confused, pretend you have a gf, and behind the scenes do all you can trans related, hormones, clothes, money, people who don't accept you don't deserve your love. I wouldn't care if my parents know, put on an act, but be quite active and secretive with the trans stuff

Good luck!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I think that maybe it's too late, she'll try to make my life miserable already.

Quote from: Emily29 on October 17, 2014, 08:56:03 PM
She told her, now my mom bested me, and called me names, she said that she doesn't deserve someone like me because she didn't do anything bad, etc... She threatened me to send me back to Italy to some kind of asylum because I'm supposedly crazy, and she said that she hopes I will starve to death or something. Then she ran off crying, saying that she is really ashamed. Then she'll force me to cut my nails and hair short. How she said that reminded me of when I was 6 and she found me hiding and play with my sister's dolls and threatened to cut my penis. What a great day

do you have a therapist to tell this to?

Quote from: Emily29 on October 17, 2014, 08:56:03 PM
She told her, now my mom bested me, and called me names, she said that she doesn't deserve someone like me because she didn't do anything bad, etc... She threatened me to send me back to Italy to some kind of asylum because I'm supposedly crazy, and she said that she hopes I will starve to death or something.

Sweetie it is time to get outside help now! This is abusive and no one should have to live under these conditions. Please go to someone you trust now. I fear for your safety both physical AND mental. This is no time to play around.  :(

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 17, 2014, 09:21:47 PM
Sweetie it is time to get outside help now! This is abusive and no one should have to live under these conditions. Please go to someone you trust now. I fear for your safety both physical AND mental. This is no time to play around.  :(

I don't have anyone

I would agree with the advice you really need to get some assistance from a therapist. She will be able to help you work through some of thes very challenging times. But definetly if things are abusive, you need to get away from that and keep yourself safe. No one deserves that and you don't Emily so you don't have to put up with that.

Always remember we've had a lot longer to come to terms with who we are, or aren't I should say.msometimes we expect people to understand it in a matter of weeks where we've had years. She is responding in a way to what she believes is a shocking situation (which it's not at all Emily). Some people can be educated, and some just can't. I would suggest giving her some time to get use to the idea. If she's smart and loves you, she'll make the effort to understand your situation.

I feel for you sweetie, no doubt things are tough right now, but stay strong, seek a therapists help and stay safe.

Hugs,
Bree

Can you contact a LGBT youth center?

Quote from: Emily29 on October 13, 2014, 11:08:02 PM
She's threatening to tell my mother, because it's too big of a secret for her to keep. What can I do? She doesn't accept me at all, everytime we have an issue she screams slur words to me like the F word, and the T word. She said stuff about me being possibly abused, etc... She also says things about how trans women are clocky they don't pass, all of them are hookers, etc... (and you know I used to think those stuff too when I was 10-14 but then I realized that there is people like Laverne Cox and my sister watches orange is the new black but she is still transphobic). I tried writing her stuff but she still doesn't get it, I'm not good at talking to people face-to-face.

My mom is even more transphobic than her. I'm not thinking that this is all my fault I should have not expressed myself at all. My father? I don't know... I think he might be transphobic too, but maybe less than them.

What can I do? Should I tell her that I was just confused? What can I else say for her to accept me as me?

Well, I'm not entirely sure what I would do in your shoes, but rest assured -- there's someone out there who can relate to you (me)!  I've been on hormones just over a month and have been super relieved about the changes, but at the same time I was feeling super emotional the other night, so I just decided to come out to my sister.  She was very accepting, and I love her to death, but she was juvenile enough to share news about my gender dysphoria with her boyfriend and with my grandma.  My grandma then proceeded to tell my mom.  My mom then proceeded to tell like my entire hometown -- yet ALL of the aforementioned people swore that they'd tell no one.  Of course, this thread isn't about me, but you.  I just want to let you know that in spite of my ENTIRE immediate family and extended family learning of this in the same day, out of nowhere, I have survived! And if worse comes to worst, just remember that there are others in your situation!! I strongly recommend finding a viable support system; if it weren't for MY support system (my roommate, the LGBT center at my college, my therapist), I'd be hopeless by now.  That said, are you a college student, perchance?  I'm finding that the university setting is undeniably the most accepting place I can name.  For example, a trans male lives on my floor in my dorm, and everyone respects him deeply.  Those in my friends circle here who have learned of my dysphoria have also been incredibly supportive; it's amazing. 

Also, I guess I do have a little bit of advice: Whenever my own mom learned of my "condition", I had her research it.  Seriously, gender dysphoria is a documented medical condition, as you probably already know (it's even in my neuroscience textbook lol).  I'm not sure how much your own mom would listen, but first thing I would do is ask her to read up on it.  By all means, message me if you need someone to talk to.

Quote from: Emily29 on October 17, 2014, 09:51:04 PM
I don't have anyone

Yes you do! If it gets really bad and you can't handle it anymore PM me. I will do what I can to get you out of there.  :)

I completely agree with Jessica :)
You can always reach out to us, we love you and we're not going anywhere
pm me any time...or all the time...just make sure  you do when your feeling down, and DEFINITELY if you feel in danger ok?

Hi Emily

Being trans comes with some big challenges, and I do feel for you in your current situation.

But I will say this: if you know yourself and show both internal and external strength, it will give you a huge advantage.  Grow that strength inside you and be ready to show it.   

You're on a journey now that is scary and fun, and honey, you are pretty and young enough for you to make your life a great success...but you will need that personal strength in order to do it!

Being trans requires planning: plan for the worst and act for the best.  Plan for how you tell your mother; plan for what might happen if your sister tells your mother; plan, plan plan!  So, as a practical example, plan to have a place to stay if you feel you need to step out of home for a few days - stay at a friend.   Plan to finish school and go on to become a lawyer or something aspirational.  It's all in your hands.  And surround yourself with kind people - the rest aren't worth the space, time or energy!

I can't emphasise this enough: you can either be an actor in the movie of your life, or you can be the actor AND director.  You choose...

Does some of this make sense, Emily? 

Big hugs
Julia

I agree with everything Julia has said, it's actually wonderful advice
... But
At this point her sister has told and it is not going very well...pretty awfully actually

just FYI to new posters

You need help now and fast.

Iirc you mentioned you are in buffalo NY?

Contact these folks:
http://www.glyswny.org

Physical abuse from your mom is not acceptable for any reason, period.

You're over 18? She can't send you back to Italy if you don't want to go. You are legally an adult. Time to take charge like one.

What should I say to them, and no it's not that easy because she is sponsoring my green card, and I'm a senior in high school btw... I'm not full time.

 start looking for a job and your own place right now. Look every day, including Sundays. Look outside your area too. If you find a job and acc apartment in the same area it doesn't matter which are. But since no workplace likes trannies that look like trannies instead of females which is true for most people in the very beginning, getting a job might be hard. Working as a guy after this might be even harder. Do you have or can.you get any friends that would let you stay at their place for free? Or on the condition you help them out with something? That or get a boyfriend. One who is willing to provide for you like a man provides for a woman, which is only natural. At least it was in America too before they invented tumbler... haha.

Quote from: Jo-is-amazing on October 18, 2014, 03:34:26 AM
I agree with everything Julia has said, it's actually wonderful advice
... But
At this point her sister has told and it is not going very well...pretty awfully actually

just FYI to new posters

Thanks for the info. I like your pic! :)

Quote from: butterflies on October 18, 2014, 04:53:40 PM
start looking for a job and your own place right now. Look every day, including Sundays. Look outside your area too. If you find a job and acc apartment in the same area it doesn't matter which are. But since no workplace likes trannies that look like trannies instead of females which is true for most people in the very beginning, getting a job might be hard. Working as a guy after this might be even harder. Do you have or can.you get any friends that would let you stay at their place for free? Or on the condition you help them out with something? That or get a boyfriend. One who is willing to provide for you like a man provides for a woman, which is only natural. At least it was in America too before they invented tumbler... haha.

. I go to high school most of the day, i can't get a job that will make me financially independent, and I can't even because of the green card issue. I wrote an email to that website glyswny... And no I don't have friends that would let me do that

Quote from: Emily29 on October 18, 2014, 05:03:30 PM
And no I don't have friends that would let me do that

You have one that will!  :) :)

Two at least :D
Although unless you decide to move to Aus, the support I can give you is purely moral...with a bit of phone call making and otherwise help from afar.


Seriously pm me anytime

Quote from: Emily29 on October 18, 2014, 05:03:30 PM
No and no the rest too. I go to high school most of the day, i can't get a job that will make me financially independent, and I can't even because of the green card issue. I wrote an email to that website glyswny... And no I don't have friends that would let me do that I

I'm sorry...idk about the green card issue. It sounds really complicated.. all I can say is "get friends that can help you" change schools if you have to. Catholics from Italy?.they'll never accept you. Your face has good potential, I think passing will be easier than for many others. Still, you'll have to work for it. Good luck :)


Ps I'd open my home too but my place is tiny and located in an area where people don't speak 3 words of English :D

Ummmmmm speaking as someone who was raised catholic, in a very religious environment the religion element has nothing to do with anything. I went to a catholic all boys school (well all boys but one)  and nearly everyone I was out to there (about 10-15 people) treated me with absolute dignity and respect (even the priest!!! Who I later learned my mother had told everything to out of fear of me being bullied).

If you have anyone around you that loves you more than their religious fear/ their embarrassment for what you are ( that's what this stuff is, abondoning family members out of embarrassment) go to them, you mentioned your dad might be more accepting even if it's possible disclose to him and let him know how scared and miserable you are. Even if he doesn't accept you fo who you are he might intervene on at least the abuse

Quote from: Jo-is-amazing on October 18, 2014, 05:52:52 PM
Ummmmmm speaking as someone who was raised catholic, in a very religious environment the religion element has nothing to do with anything. I went to a catholic all boys school (well all boys but one)  and nearly everyone I was out to there (about 10-15 people) treated me with absolute dignity and respect (even the priest!!! Who I later learned my mother had told everything to out of fear of me being bullied).

If you have anyone around you that loves you more than their religious fear/ their embarrassment for what you are ( that's what this stuff is, abondoning family members out of embarrassment) go to them, you mentioned your dad might be more accepting even if it's possible disclose to him and let him know how scared and miserable you are. Even if he doesn't accept you fo who you are he might intervene on at least the abuse

Then your experience with Catholics is entirely different from mine. Especially when it comes to family members.

Saying it has nothing to do with anything is a lie. Religions teach judgment, intolerance and hatred. You were lucky enough to encounter people who could overcome those teachings. Most people aren't.

Im not saying that religion is not a factor
but the cause of the problem isn't the religion. It's incredibly selfish individuals abandoning their children in fear of how their friends and acquaintances will look at them. Sure religion may build that environment...but in the end it's parents abandoning us out of embarrassment for what we are.

Anyways, that's not important...what's important is that Emily's not really in the greatest place in the world right now, so...help please? I don't know how :/

Quote from: Jo-is-amazing on October 18, 2014, 06:25:38 PM
Im not saying that religion is not a factor
but the cause of the problem isn't the religion. It's incredibly selfish individuals abandoning their children in fear of how their friends and acquaintances will look at them. Sure religion may build that environment...but in the end it's parents abandoning us out of embarrassment for what we are.

Anyways, that's not important...what's important is that Emily's not really in the greatest place in the world right now, so...help please? I don't know how :/

Yeah...:/ I don't know either. I mean she can come live with me but she'd have no prospects here so... not so helpful...

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on October 18, 2014, 03:31:02 AM
Hi Emily

Being trans comes with some big challenges, and I do feel for you in your current situation.

But I will say this: if you know yourself and show both internal and external strength, it will give you a huge advantage.  Grow that strength inside you and be ready to show it.   

You're on a journey now that is scary and fun, and honey, you are pretty and young enough for you to make your life a great success...but you will need that personal strength in order to do it!

Being trans requires planning: plan for the worst and act for the best.  Plan for how you tell your mother; plan for what might happen if your sister tells your mother; plan, plan plan!  So, as a practical example, plan to have a place to stay if you feel you need to step out of home for a few days - stay at a friend.   Plan to finish school and go on to become a lawyer or something aspirational.  It's all in your hands.  And surround yourself with kind people - the rest aren't worth the space, time or energy!

I can't emphasise this enough: you can either be an actor in the movie of your life, or you can be the actor AND director.  You choose...

Does some of this make sense, Emily? 

Big hugs
Julia

Very sound advice Julia, I toyally agree.

Emily, as things have progressed somewhat more rapidly than hoped, you may want to move a little quicker on your plans. Try to focus first on the things that will affect you directly, personal safety, somewhere to stay and access to a therapist. You'll get through this but we have embarked on a journey that's full of challenges and triumphs. If you can not let either affect you too much, it's easier to keep a cool head and stay focussed.

No its a mix my dad is catholic (Even though he turned muslim to marry my mom and then back catholic when they divorced) and my mom is just muslim and kind of fundamentalist sometimes.

Thanks everyone for their support but I really don't know who I should talk to and I don't have the funds to go to a therapist anymore, and my mom also stole one of my E and spiro prescription I had and I can't do anything about that too. I can't do anything because technically it wasn't my money... I feel like I will get more depression without hrt, that was the only thing that gave me hope

Quote from: Emily29 on October 18, 2014, 08:32:51 PM
No its a mix my dad is catholic (Even though he turned muslim to marry my mom and then back catholic when they divorced) and my mom is just muslim and kind of fundamentalist sometimes.

Oh wow I can't imagine that going over well haha. But getting beat up for it would be pretty normal in both a Catholic and a Muslim family though itwould usually be the father.doing it. This is the way things are, I'm not talking hypotheticals because the world we live in is what it is. I'm sorry,I don't know how to help.

I echo what orchid said,no human being should have to go through what you're going through. Reach out in any way you can, it's not your fault it's theirs and you shouldn't have to put up with that.

Reach.out ok?
There must be someone in your life that would at least be concerned about the abuse you're being subjected to, if nothing else :(

Quote from: Jo-is-amazing on October 18, 2014, 09:37:30 PM
I echo what orchid said,no human being should have to go through what you're going through. Reach out in any way you can, it's not your fault it's theirs and you shouldn't have to put up with that.

Reach.out ok?
There must be someone in your life that would at least be concerned about the abuse you're being subjected to, if nothing else :(

Absolutely Emily, please reach out to someone. Even google youth centres in your area, there must me something. Even a youth help line should be able to at least point you in the right direction.

Now with you prescription medication, if she's withholding that from you, speak to your GP as this has the potential to have significant psychological impacts on a person. Again the youth centre should be able to assist you with getting yourself stable, with your own income and a safe place to stay.

Just don't put yourself at risk

I kind of get where she is coming from. I had many of the same issues in a different way earlier in my life.

The green card issue I get. I am thinking maybe she doesn't have one and is on some sort of temporary status. That basically leaves you at the whim of the Government and your parents. One slip and you can be deported. That said, things aren't what they used to be and there is a lot more mercy towards immigrants, but it's still not perfect. I was threatened with deportation many times by my ex wife as she sponsored my green card before I became a citizen. The good thing is that I knew the laws and didn't put up with much of her BS for very long. I am a citizen today because I stuck through it.

And I think this is what you may need to do.

As much as it sucks, I would say delay the transition a few years. Wait until you've graduated college. This way if your parents decide to make life miserable you don't have to care. Or at the very least wait on the green card. The reason I say this is that as an adult with a green card you are untouchable. They can kick you out but you can find a job and earn your own keep, and do your transition and live your life on your own.

It seemed like you were self medicating (from your youtube videos). I would not advocate self medicating at all. It is a complete dead end unless you have the means and a plan to get help professionally. Worse yet you could kill yourself because you aren't monitoring your levels. Not just E and T but other stuff related to your liver and other essential organs. Hormones can bring on dangerous diseases like diabetes and cause blood clots which can kill you. You want a doctor to catch that early before it's too late.

All the best luck, sweetie! You seem like you will blossom into a beautiful young woman! I do wish you all the best. My PM inbox is open always. I do truly feel your pain but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Emily,

I would suggest talking with your school guidance councilor.  I would expect that he/she would have some knowledge of how to deal with any abuse you are receiving at home and any local LGBT resources or therapists.  I would think (hope) that they would be able to find a therapist that would be willing to do some pro-bono (free) sessions for a high school student in your situation. You certainly have nothing to lose by talking with the councilor, and it is someone you can see while you are already at school.

I wish you the best.  Let us know how you are doing if you can.

Kim

This is the response I got from the LGBT thing in Buffalo...

"Emily,

You are not going to be happy with my response. . . but the fact is that the resources for a homeless teen in WNY are next to non-existent, and for a homeless LGBT teen absolutely non-existent.

In some really big cities there are enough homeless LGBT youth that there are centers to house and support them.  Not so in Buffalo.  The places that do provide shelter are generally faith-based (by denominations that are anti-LGBT) and come with strings attached (rules, space 1st-come/1st served, mandatory activities/services, etc.) and not safe for those who are LGBT.

And, altho my suggestion means being dishonest, the situation doesn't leave any options.

If we were sitting face to face talking, I would ask you what your mother's worst reaction could be to your coming out.  Once you identified that "worst case scenario" I'd ask if you could live with it.  And if you responded "no" then I'd ask you to consider not coming out to her until you get your HS diploma, your college degree and were independent (financially stable).

However, you have already come out to her.  So, that leaves me with suggesting that perhaps you back off.  Yes, it means being dishonest with yourself and with her, but you need her support - at least financially and, it seems, with regard to your green card. 
Perhaps if you do, just live as who she knows you to be, wants you to be, she'll back off some of the abusiveness.  And while you want to be who you know yourself to be, if you don't do well in school - and you won't if she throws you out of the house - and you don't get your green card then where does that leave you?

Sometimes putting off what we want until a better time has advantages. 

Emily, as I stated in the first sentence, this is not the response that you'd hoped for, but it is reality."

You poor poor girl :'(
I just wanna hug you and never let go :(
You deserve so much love and support, you're such a wonderful young woman
It hurts me to see the world being so cruel to you

As sad and as painful as it is, the letter's right :(
As it stands right now you may need to go back in the closet
You Poor wonderful little girl :(

Emily, you don't have to 'go back in the closet'. It depends what you mean by that also. So I am assuming you are not living full time? In a perfect world we all get our way all of the time. But that is not realistic. At the moment you are dependent on your parents. You've an option to change that, however it sounds like the available support is limited.

And so the remaining option is to stay with your parents. So why not stay on HRT, whilst also giving your mom what she wants? I mean it would make your life a lot easier. And whilst your dependent on her, her rules are what need to be followed, if your to have some peace at home I mean.

So what I'm saying is you may not be able to have the perfect situation, but you don't exactly have to stop what your doing. Do things a little more covertly until your able to support yourself.

I'll give you an example; so I work in a job that I have not come out at yet. If I was to walk in there tomorrow in a dress, well I don't think I would be working there too much longer. However I'm still growing my hair, I'm still on HRT, and I still do everything I would if I was living full time. Only difference is I have to dress as a boy. Not ideal, but it's what I have to do right now.

A lot of it is about perspective Emily. Lose perspective and things can be a lot harder than they need to be.just try thinking about how you can still get what you want, whilst keeping your mom happy.

Hugs,
Bree

I think the advice they gave is sound. Sad to say your safety and immigration status is the most important thing right now. It will only be a few years and when that is over with you will be completely free.

I'm not sure about HRT. If you can keep a low dose or even blockers to keep the T at bay that would buy you time. If you go full transition the worst thing is your mom will see that you disobeyed her and it won't end well. So decide that and see.

It's not just hrt, it's even small things like clothes, I wish I could wear some andro clothes at least or be able to grow my hair longer... I mean some cis guy have longer hair too. But I just can't have anything that makes me happy. Now I think I'll need to stop making youtube videos too, because my sister knows about that too, and she will see if I dress up for a new video, etc... It just makes me so sad. When I started hrt now its almost 2 months, I had hope for a brighter and happier future and now everything is gone. But again thanks for everyone reading and caring. You're really nice people!

I'm sorry to hear things have taken such a turn, Emily. Please hang in there and try not to forget that even though it's not fair that things have to be put on hold, that you're on the brink of adulthood and will one day (sooner than you think) be able to make these decisions for yourself.

I'm just wondering, how long will it take you to get a green card?

Feel free to PM me if you aren't comfortable making that public.

I have my interview appointment thingy on the 4th of nov... WHICH SUCKS BECAUSE ITS LITERALLY 4 DAYS AFTER THE DEADLINE FOR EARLY DECISIONS FOR COLLEGE APPLICATIONS! .-. Here goes my little chance of getting into a trans friendly college.

Emily, darling, keep strong.  Make the most of both interviews - the world is not conspiring against you

Here's the weird thing about a trans-friendly college:  whichever one you go to, it'll probably be trans-friendly if you want it to be.

Remember what I said about being the actor AND director in the movie of your life...

You're getting closer to it.

xxx
Julia

Quote from: Emily29 on October 22, 2014, 02:47:17 PM
I have my interview appointment thingy on the 4th of nov... WHICH SUCKS BECAUSE ITS LITERALLY 4 DAYS AFTER THE DEADLINE FOR EARLY DECISIONS FOR COLLEGE APPLICATIONS! .-. Here goes my little chance of getting into a trans friendly college.

I think most of them are trans friendly these days, unless it's like a religious school.

I know it sucks waiting but your safety unfortunately is your 1st priority. If you are homeless, sent back by your mom or worse yet become the victim of an honor killing (or similar) you won't be able to transition. So please just stick it out for now and know that things will be better.

As for expressing your femininity, unless your mom watches your every move like a hawk, you can dress in private. You would have to present male around your mom but it's better than nothing.

OK well now I don't have a second to be myself, I'm never home alone anymore, and I can't dress up or wear make up... My sister would tell my mom every time, I try to do that, which means that I can't make videos, and be myself not even a little bit, and I'm getting more and more depressed about this... Also, I don't know right now if I should spend my money with laser hair removal or maybe trying to go to a therapists... I'm helping my mom at her job and she offered to give me 100 dollars every months (Yeah I know it's like nothing) I feel like crying, before I was able to be myself t least for some minutes and now it's just nothing, I'm so sad and I feel even more trapped... Thanks everyone for caring/posting nice comments! You brighten my day  :)

Here are some suggestions:

Save your money for future transition
Plan on a path. What would be great is if you go away to school so you'll have minimal supervision by your mom and you'll be more or less free to transition.

Dress in little ways. Wear panties. It's not visible outside but it helps knowing you're at least being yourself to some degree. (And do your own laundry!)

Know that eventually you'll be free to be you. I know you want to transition asap but transitioning in your 20s is far from a death sentence. Not only that but with a job, a diploma and independence (most important) you can do whatever you want and no one can stop you.

Don't worry about the videos for now. They will come in time. Your #1 goal is survival so you're able to do the next step.

Oh Emily, I do feel for you!  But you will overcome this, so be strong and patient!

Try take your mind to other things... a walk in the park, feeding the ducks... something calm and natural!

Hugs
Julia

Emily, I just wanted to say stay strong and hang on in there, even if it's hard!

What helped me sometimes when I had to wear more feminine clothes (I'm ftm) is a little mind game where I very explicitly labeled this as cross-dressing and stuck to this thought. I know it's not much, but it provided a little comfort for me.

:hugs:

This won't be forever Emily. Always remember there will be a time when you will have your own space and your own time. There was a ltime when I had no space to myself. The time I enjoyed the most was as I closed my eyes when lying in bed. I would take myself to a place where it was only me, and I was who I wanted to be. It wasn't much, but it gave me a small amount of peace during a time where things were tough.

And look at the positive of working with your Mum, $100 is better than $50 right, so maybe think about putting it towards something like hair removal.try to do what you can now whilst being covert, be sneaky girlfriend  ;) but don't get yourself in trouble though!

Big hugs Emily, you'll be ok, stay strong and keep your eye on the end game.

THANKS EVERYONE FOR THEIR MESSAGES! YOU REALLY MAKE ME FEEL LOVED AND EVERYONE HERE IS REALLY SUPPORTIVE.

Ok so my mom had one of her crazy attacks against me and I was really scared for my life. I also recorded her voice, etc.. but not the whole thing because I was too scared, I tried to reach to my school counselor I told her that I might become homeless (thank god, I didn't have to tell her anything I'm too ashamed of saying that I'm trans out loud) and she gave me a number from someone of my school district that might help me... but this woman never responded me, maybe its because of the weather here in Buffalo it's snowing like crazy... I think that 4 people died because of the weather! My mom also stole my HRT, wigs (not that it was a good wig, but it was really special to me) and make up from me. I'm so sad and depressed, I don't think I can never make videos until I have the money to get my stuff again, and I really can't order any wigs online because my family is constantly keeping an eye on me and spying me, and no mail can reach me without them knowing what's inside. I loved making videos because it was the only time where I could be myself. This is probably my last video/update.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VN-7jwxMuP4&list=UU03QngdJjdzkJpp8O6LwdIA&index=1 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VN-7jwxMuP4&list=UU03QngdJjdzkJpp8O6LwdIA&index=1)

The only nice thing that happened to me is that I BECAME A PERMANENT RESIDENT OF THE USA (I RECEIVED MY GREEN CARD AND SSN, YEEE). So I might actually look for a part-time job.

Oh, I changed my name from Emily to Serena because I don't know I just like it, but I don't know if it will be permanent when I will live full time... My favotire names are: Serena, Emily and Sofia. Even though, I like Serena and Sofia best because they are both Italian and used here in the US, but at this point I probably don't need a name that is both italian and english since my family will leave me alone.

I like the name Serena. Sorry your mom is being such a ...problem.