There seams to be a conflict in my mind in how we decide to transistion. My theripst keeps on insisting that I get stable and happy with my life before and decision on transision (ie it has to be well thought out as to the reason why I transision). Well under that situation I would never transision - why the heck would I want to transision if I am happy.
I have been talking to a few over the last few days about another moddel. How depression brings us to our lowest point and the only way up is to become like I desire. Yes there are many times I wished I was female. Even last Wednesday night went out at the circus it would of been so nice to be female - so many girls had on their skirts.
Under my theripst moddel I would never recognise I am TS. There is no circuit breaker - it is just be happy with myself and hope that I can come of my Meds. I am in a endless cycle here, Being happy - no Meds - depressed and wanting to transision - first thing is to get stable. What if my brain is defective and I needs something like anti-depression Meds or indeed HRT to remain stable?
If I go down the path like other people I need that depression to recognise I am TS and decide to transision. In this moddel the way I become 100% happy is to transision so that mind and body are fully alined.
Alice
Alice,
I wouldn't say one has to 'crash' in depression to decide to transition. For me I always knew something was wrong and I was never happy with 'myself'. It took a lonnnnnnnnnnnnng time for me to figure out why. I wasn't depressed. And yet, even though I was happy in life I wasn't fullfilled inside and had to find out what was wrong with me. I now feel like a whole person.
Kim :angel:
P.S.-I have seen depression in a huge quanity in other events in my life and am so lucky to have avided it this time.
I think it is time to find a new therapist. How can you ever be "happy" living the lie of pretending to be someone who you are not.
Sarah L.
Alice,
I guess I don't quite understand. If you are happy and stable, why bother going through the hell of transitioning?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Quote from: Kristi on April 06, 2007, 06:58:01 PM
Alice,
I guess I don't quite understand. If you are happy and stable, why bother going through the hell of transitioning?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Thats my point - in my theripst model I would never transistion - it would be a cycle of depression control by pills -> Get happy -> no need to transistion. When I am stable I would never transistion - as I said to someone last night - I am not unhappy as a guy - it is just sometime being a girl would be a better fit.
In depression I think should transistion and want to start straight away. But my theripst is not going to allow me to make decisions on those days.
Alice
Quote from: Alice on April 06, 2007, 07:40:49 PM
I am not unhappy as a guy - it is just sometime being a girl would be a better fit.
Alice
You just said something that a transsexual would never say. You're "not unhappy as a guy" - it is just "sometimes" beign a girl would be a better fit. Listen to your specialist and forget about transition.
Alice,
If you are not unhappy as a guy, you do not suffer from GID. I would heed Yvonne's advice. Transition is no magic bullet and in fact is very harsh. It is only for those who must. There is no way for you to know you will be happy as a woman, particularly if you are ok with being male.
Transition is for those who thier main problem in that they are not happy in the body they were given because it's the wrong gender. It's not for those who feel they might be happier as the opposite sex.
Love always,
Elizabeth
Quote from: Elizabeth on April 06, 2007, 08:28:52 PM
Alice,
Transition is for those who thier main problem in that they are not happy in the body they were given because it's the wrong gender. It's not for those who feel they might be happier as the opposite sex.
Love always,
Elizabeth
Great advice! :eusa_clap: :)
Let us see if I can string a coherent thought together.
I am in the minding to think that someone who knows exactly what GID is and can recognize the symptoms might be of value. Never once did my therapist think I should 'get my duckies in a row' FIRST. *shrug* Sure, it might have been something on his checklist but it was never brought up to me. (:P That would imply that I am stable or something wouldn't it? ;) )
As for 'not being unhappy as a guy.'
*shrug* Hi folks, we deal differently. I was not unhappy as a guy, I was unhappy being ALIVE. No I didn't like the male parts but *shrug* Many people find bits of their anatomy they do not like, what makes genitalia special?
Yeah, sure, I always thought I would rather be a girl, but I wasn't. So I dealt with it. ... It is the frame of reference that differs among us for all the similarities GID inflicts upon us. How I dealt with it is unlikely to match how you did. Tis the nature of the individuality of the human beast I suspect.
*shrug*
Just what I see from where I sit...
Sand in the wind...
Blessed Be.
Dear Alice,
No anti-depression/ anxiety meds have ever worked in any combination for me.
If they are helping you then you should continue to using them.
Lack of depression is preferred but should not be a requirement to transition.
...................
However I would be very happy if I can figure out how to come to terms with my TG issues which might mean a middle ground. I think it is good to question yourself and the therapist.
Wendy
Quote from: Alice on April 06, 2007, 07:40:49 PM
Thats my point - in my theripst model I would never transistion - it would be a cycle of depression control by pills -> Get happy -> no need to transistion. When I am stable I would never transistion - as I said to someone last night - I am not unhappy as a guy - it is just sometime being a girl would be a better fit.
I hear what you're saying, but maybe the question is: are you really happy being a guy? Or are the meds simply numbing you to the pain of the underlying GID?
I don't think hating your male body is a requirement of being TS, though it's certainly a symptom. But I'd really hate to see yet another thread degenerate into another
"who is and isn't a REAL transsexual" argument. We all bring our unique experiences to this, and GID manifests in different ways for each of us.
Still, it *does* seem that most people don't transition until they basically just cannot stand going on as they are anymore. There ARE no more happy times, no relief from the crushing pain of the GID. But again, you're on meds, so who knows how you REALLY feel? To be honest, if I were your therapist I wouldn't prescribe HRT yet either - but only because that cycle you describe makes it impossible to know how you're going to feel from one day to the next. You yourself are saying that one day you need to transition, and the next day you're happy living as a male. I can't say I blame her for wanting YOU to be clear and stable with what you need to do.
IMHO, you transition when it's something you want and need with 100% of your being, feeling it every second of every day. When all the denials and coping and lying and working around it and meds and distractions just stop working anymore, and you just KNOW what you have to do. That's why I say it's not so much a decision as an event. You can decide to NOT transition - for awhile. Eventually, those decisions lose their effectiveness, and your transition unfolds as it's been trying to do all along.
Remember:
deciding to NOT transition is like trying to hold your breath... for forty-two years (in my case).
Kate
Yikes.
I put off seeing a therapist or talking to a therapist for ten years. Even though it was suspected when I was 17/18. The reason why was pretty clear, I was not ready back then, and the circumstances were not right. I went on some medication for anxiety to little effect, because anxiety medication does not do anything if your issue is with gender identity.
With that being said I don't have constant depression (I do have some degree of depression), but I have a high degree of anxiety. It has been over the gender identity issues as I saw little bits of my life fall apart. I am not the type that would attempt suicide, but it has effected my life in a major negative way. For me starting things off is helping (not completely). For some it is depression with contemplation of suicide, for me it is a high degree of anxiety. I have noticed as the little steps start to progress, the anxiety does tapper off somewhat. I did not think more feminine glasses and the removal of facial hair would have such a large effect, but it has. I think even just starting HRT will help as well. Both my therapist and my future roommate have noticed that there has been positive changes.
For me it is not transition or die, but it is transition and struggle with an ever increasing degree of anxiety over my gender identity issues and I feel increasingly detached from life.
I think transitioning is not necessarily a life or death situation. But a situation that must be taken care of if not doing so is having an increasingly negative effect on every aspect of your life. For me, transitioning is no longer a choice. Not because I see myself attempting suicide, but because the weight of not transitioning was having a negative effect.
I think the whole philosophy of it being a life or death thing is a bit too far fetched. Not everybody has depression over this issue, in me and others it manifests in various forms of anxiety. I was not about to commit suicide, but it was starting to effect my life in such negative ways that seeking the help of a therapist and starting the process of transition was not a matter of choice anymore but necessity. But I don't think emotional distress needs to be a part of necessarily, it just usually is.
Alice, remember what we talked about.
No one elses experience will be like yours. But yes, I was a lot like you in trying to make the decision. I had other factors holding me back, but we do share so many of the same feelings. You may find yourself in the middle of transition and say... "hey, I'm in the middle of transition!"
Cindi
What if one is happy as a woman 75% of the time, happy as man 0% time and happy as something entirely not fitting the binary 25% of the time?
I think it makes sense to transition if the other alternatives seem worse.
Alice,
When I went to my therapist for the first time it was because my anxiety and depression over what I discovered about myself were beginning to overwhelm me. I did not, however, decide to do a full blown, 100% transition at that time. I decided to take steps: therapy, going out dressed the way I like, then HRT, to see if this was really a thing I needed to do. All of these things were, if need presented itself, reversible.
It was only a couple of weeks ago that I came to the conclusion that, although this will affect many parts of my life negatively, I have to do it. I have to make the final portion of this journey.
I don't think a person can be "stable and happy with [their] life before and decision on transision" when full blown GID is present. Yet there are still times when being a man in the outside world has its benefits. It pains me now to know why those benefits are in place, simply because of my perceived gender, but they are still pretty nice to have for the time being. So perhaps this is what you are perceiving as being happy as a man? Besides, everyone's journey is different and their best destination is different too. Completely changing your gender presentation may not be the best thing for you to do. Perhaps your mix of gender feelings is what you need to accept, rather than transitioning all the way?
Whatever you decide, Alice, will be fine, as far as I'm concerned. Keep workin' at it,
hugs & smiles
helen
C'n I throw in my two yen, Alice?
How many transgender clients does your therapist have? If you're it, I would question this person's experience, and I would try to find someone who's had more TG clients than just a couple. I realize this may not be possible if you're not living in the population centers. You may need to consider consultation via telephone, in order to gain access to someone with more TG experience.
Are you waiting for your therapist to give you permission to transition? A good therapist, if you ask for his or her permission, will deny it, knowing that you have to be ready to go ahead anyway and do it on your own.
Are you ready to run an Ironman presenting as female? Ditch the male drag, grow your hair, get your nails done and wear an ironwoman suit? Can you be your (female) self in jeans and a nice casual blouse down at the DIY store or the pub? Or does this not live up to your ideals for either being female or participating in a race/buying plywood and sprinklers/having a few with friends?
Whatever your answers, be comfortable with them. If you want both of two mutually exclusive (seeming) choices, be honest with yourself, then look for compromise, or even a viewpoint where the contradiction vanishes.
And maybe you'll find that, somewhere along the line, you finally gave YOU permission to transition. :D
Karen
Quote from: Alice on April 06, 2007, 05:10:57 PM
Even last Wednesday night went out at the circus it would of been so nice to be female - so many girls had on their skirts.
This is something to reeeeeally question yourself about. Is the drive to be female coming from the need to wear skirts? Do you want to become female in order to wear skirts without fear of ridicule? Would you still want to transition if you could never, ever wear a skirt as a female?
Kate
*shrug* A skirt is a pretty good symbol of being female. They are just cloth but there is quite a lot of meaning in them nonetheless.
It is perception as much as anything, I suppose.
But that said, Kate has a very good question. If you could be a bona fide female but bared from girlie clothes, never to wear a skirt or anything similar, would you?
Find peace, it is down there somewhere.
Blessed Be.
this is what i said to julie marie;
Quote from: julie marie's threadaction is how you overcome self-doubt. only after action has taken place then your experience will be the teacher of what to do better eventually.
i dont know how to put it more bluntly; if you're [unsure or have a choice pertaining to transition], don't transition.
Quote from: Katia on April 07, 2007, 12:09:03 PM
this is what i said to julie marie;
Quote from: julie marie's threadaction is how you overcome self-doubt. only after action has taken place then your experience will be the teacher of what to do better eventually.
i dont know how to put it more bluntly; if you're [unsure or have a choice pertaining to transition], don't transition.
I believe it was Stormy who, when she told her therapist that she needed to be a woman, was told:
"Prove it."
Kate
Quote from: Kimberly on April 07, 2007, 11:56:21 AM
*shrug* A skirt is a pretty good symbol of being female. They are just cloth but there is quite a lot of meaning in them nonetheless.
It is perception as much as anything, I suppose.
But that said, Kate has a very good question. If you could be a bona fide female but bared from girlie clothes, never to wear a skirt or anything similar, would you?
Find peace, it is down there somewhere.
Blessed Be.
This is really funny. Because honestly transition should never be about the cloths. Do I get moments where I get stunned and fall in love with an outfit or something else, absolutely. I would be lying if that were not the case. But that had almost nothing to do with why I am transitioning and why my therapist has no issue with me transitioning (in fact is guiding me, and every step I take feels right).
But I stepped into my therapist office pretty clear headed and said I hate being male and being male is causing me a significant amount of anxiety on a daily basis. I also said, it was not necessarily about the cloths.
Honestly, for me the cloths do help somewhat, but barely any. I am not transitioning because I really like the cloths. I am transitioning because I deplore my body and it does not feel right. Psychologically, I cannot relate to being male, nothing about it feels right. I feel like I was part of some cosmic mistake, and I should have been born female. Honestly if I can transition without wearing anything feminine it would still feel like the right path.
The truth is, if its the cloths alone, then your therapist may be right. If you are not unhappy with being male, than transitioning could cause major problems.
Quote from: Kate on April 07, 2007, 02:06:13 PM
Quote from: Katia on April 07, 2007, 12:09:03 PM
this is what i said to julie marie;
Quote from: julie marie's threadaction is how you overcome self-doubt. only after action has taken place then your experience will be the teacher of what to do better eventually.
i dont know how to put it more bluntly; if you're [unsure or have a choice pertaining to transition], don't transition.
I believe it was Stormy who, when she told her therapist that she needed to be a woman, was told:
"Prove it."
Kate
exactly. yet it's very unlikely that someone who is unsure of transition [or being transexual] could prove something of which he/she is not certain.
Alice,
I think you're getting some good morsels of advice here. But I worry about you, sweetie. You have said that when you are in the deeper part of depression, transition feels more important. If you are being medicated out of feeling anything to the point where transitioning (and everything else, for that matter) no longer bothers you, then there may be something wrong with your treatment in general. Treatment for depression should bring you to the point where you can reasonably face your issues and deal with them, not just fail to care any more. Else your problems will grow worse and eventually they will catch up with you. Then the cycle starts over again, but worse than the last time.
So I would concentrate on the depression treatment first, then see how you feel about transitioning when it is under control. Don't rush this. If you need to experiment, this is a good time to do it. Step up your femme times a bit and see how it works for you. See if it IS you. Store up experiences to guide you. Then wait until you are ready to make a good decision. Until then, enjoy some of this. It is permitted.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Dear Alice,
I'm sorry you're going through angst and I'm sorry that we all have to go through this middle-ground. But know that, after transitioning, many post ops find that there isn't really all that difference between the genders...a lot of it is societal conditioning as to what each gender supposidly is.
I do, as some have mentioned, worry about whether your appreciation of dresses is important in your "deciding to transition." Consider what therapists sometimes tell people who overeat chocolate and sweets. They say, "eat nothing but sweets for awhile to see if you REALLY like it." If you wear dresses every day, as I'm sure you can guess, the thrill lessens and, after awhile, it is just clothes. And that's what FULL TIMING is all about...getting the thrill out and seeing what makes you truly comfortable.
And, as others too have said, it's what YOU think that makes your life, not what a therapist theorizes. The best therapists let YOU figure out your future. And maybe the best is where you are now, a little of this and a little of that. You have to decide.
Teri Anne
I really don't think it is a practical goal to be "stable" and "happy" if you are not living in the proper gender. The most one could hope for is "stable" and "unhappy" IMO. Once transition begins, you make the trade to "unstable" but "happy". I don't know of anyone, myself included, who was stable right after they begin transition, but fortunately, the stability can return in time. Happiness is the goal, stability will follow. But for your therapist to say that you need to be stable and happy prior to transitioning is horse hockey.
Does he even listen to you during your sessions?
Pam
Thanks everyone for your input - there have been son very insightful reponses.
Quote from: Kate
I hear what you're saying, but maybe the question is: are you really happy being a guy? Or are the meds simply numbing you to the pain of the underlying GID?
Thats a very interesting question Kate. I do worry that when I go off my meds I will just fall to peices again. There is some Chemical in the brain that has gone haywire. I do wonder how I can aviod depression & transistion at once - you summed it up very well.
Quote from: Kate
IMHO, you transition when it's something you want and need with 100% of your being, feeling it every second of every day. When all the denials and coping and lying and working around it and meds and distractions just stop working anymore, and you just KNOW what you have to do. That's why I say it's not so much a decision as an event. You can decide to NOT transition - for awhile. Eventually, those decisions lose their effectiveness, and your transition unfolds as it's been trying to do all along.
You are right there. I am not 100% commited to transistion hence I am not ready for it. I still wish I knew what to expect when I come of my Meds. I feel like I am trying to avoid ot rather then trying to figure out if I need it.
Quote from: Cindi Jones on April 07, 2007, 01:15:06 AM
Alice, remember what we talked about.
No one elses experience will be like yours. But yes, I was a lot like you in trying to make the decision. I had other factors holding me back, but we do share so many of the same feelings. You may find yourself in the middle of transition and say... "hey, I'm in the middle of transition!"
Cindi
Yeap - I know my experiences are my own. It is so hard because it is so subjective - I need to be guilded by what I feel is best.
Quote from: Tink on April 07, 2007, 02:28:16 AM
Alice, I think you and I talked about this through PM's once. If you are not willing to be the woman you feel you are 24/7, every day of every week of every month of every year forever and ever, then hon, it does make sense to wait on transition. You know sweets, therapists are very well trained on these matters and even though sometimes we may disagree with their views or decisions, they are always correct (99% of the time at least) If you are not TS and transition, you will be more unhappy than what you are right now, so IMHO, I second your therapist's decision, for this is for your own good and well-being. :)
tink :icon_chick:
You have help me think about what transistion really means. Thanks
Alice
Quote from: Feral Cat on April 07, 2007, 02:57:18 PMBut for your therapist to say that you need to be stable and happy prior to transitioning is horse hockey.
Does he even listen to you during your sessions?
Pam
I was reading this yesterday, and I wasn't sure whether I was misunderstanding what Alice had written or I was just too tired to grasp what was being said here. IMHO, if a patient is
happy and
stable prior to transition, what is the point of seeking therapy then? Somehow it doesn't make sense to me either and you ask an excellent question Pam, does Alice's therapist even bother to listen to her or she is just "there" nodding her head, scribbling on paper, and pretending that she is actually listening? ::)
tink :icon_chick:
Quote from: Tink on April 07, 2007, 10:17:57 PM
IMHO, if a patient is happy and stable prior to transition, what is the point of seeking therapy then? Somehow it doesn't make sense to me either and you ask an excellent question Pam, does Alice's therapist even bother to listen to her or she is just "there" nodding her head, scribbling on paper, and pretending that she is actually listening? ::)
For whatever it's worth, my therapist said the same things to me when I told her that I needed to start HRT *right now*, or... well, there were no more "ORs" left for me.
She said no - I was being too urgent, too hasty, acting out of desperation.
Yea... no kidding ::)
And yet, looking back, I'm glad she said no. I CLEARLY saw my need because of that denial, and seized my own destiny.
"Prove it" indeed.
Kate
Quote from: Kate on April 07, 2007, 10:31:43 PM
"Prove it"
Kate
Aha! good point, Kate. I never thought of it that way. True, now that I think about it, it coud be a way to make Alice more motivated. If that were the case, then it'd make perfect sense! :)
tink :icon_chick:
In fact that was the idea of my thread.
My therispt will not allow me to make any changes when in a bad mood. It has to be a long thought out process. When I am stable and can think about it I canm decide to transition. However if I got into a stable frame of mind I would never decide to transition. If I was stable there is not way go through the heartache of transistion.
Perhaps I can open this up to you guys. What frame of mind where you in when you decided to transition? Where you in suicidal depression when you decided to depression (the impression I get)?
Alice
Quote from: Alice on April 08, 2007, 03:48:55 AM
Perhaps I can open this up to you guys. What frame of mind where you in when you decided to transition? Where you in suicidal depression when you decided to depression (the impression I get)?
Sitting on the bathroom floor, door closed and locked, sobbing every day. Collapsing while taking showers, sitting at the bottom of the tub, crying every morning. Crying while driving to and from work. Crying AT work. Crying while trying to fall asleep at night. Terrible, unbearable stomach pains leaving me curled into a ball on the floor. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. Couldn't focus on work. No way out, no solutions seemed acceptable or workable... the losses from ANY path seemed too unbearable.
See: Broken (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,4505.msg36807.html#msg36807)
Kate
Quote from: Alice on April 08, 2007, 03:48:55 AM
...However if I got into a stable frame of mind I would never decide to transition. If I was stable there is not way go through the heartache of transistion...
I don't think that being in a stable frame of mind would keep a transsexual person from undergoing transition. I think being consistently sad and depressed is stability, albeit a negative type.
Alice, if your mood is still swinging then I agree you should wait before making any decisions. If you are consistently down and you want to take the plunge then go ahead. But if you feel that you wish to remain male one day and hate yourself for your masculinity the next, perhaps you need to wait and see if your motivations can become a bit clearer to yourself in the future.
hugs & smiles
helen
I descided to transition the moment life aloud me to.... everything was going great for a change... I had a wonderful girlfriend who was there to help me, a job, a support structure of good friends... for the first time in my life everything was going well, and I was still miserable... Because of all the good it was alittle difficult to convince the theripist but I managed just fine.......
Descideing to re transition.... I was a suicidal mess and it was descided the best way to get out of it was to get me back to stable... which ment HRT and full steam ahead....
Alice,
I have stay out of this discussion although I have been reading it daily.
First I haven't started HRT and don't know if I ever will at this point.
Second I will never clam to be better at advising you than your therapist.
But I have PM and Messenger you many time.
I have these questions for you:
Do you enjoy your female feelings?
Or do you still wish they just would go away?
Do you want and need to be a women?
Or do you still want to go back to the way you use to be?
I have share with you that I feel female inside, but you said you didn't.
Has that changed?
I know you already understand that transitioning is no quick fix and is extreme reaction.
No offense intended to all of the men and women here at Susan's who have or are transitioning I really admire you. And from all of your stories I know it is not an easy road but is or was necessary for you.
Please Alice don't feel you have to answer these questions here or to me if you would rather not. They ask because I care and want to help you in your decision.
Hugs Sis,
Jillieann
Alice, I advised my therapist in my first session that I was transitioning. I asked her to help me with the associated problems. We never had a discussion about whether it was the appropriate thing to do or not. I never gave her the chance.
BUT... up until that point, I was completely on my own. I stepped forward and back so many times that my life in that time seems like a blur.
If you can live without it. DO! You will know if and when the time is right. It won't be a thought, it will be action.
Cindi
Meh. There is value in doing something BEFORE it gets to desperation. This or that situations are usually not as beneficial than if you have some control over the matter.
*shrug* Granted, once you get to that point there isn't any questions left but *shrug* breaking isn't much fun.
But as a side note one physical path to consider if not understanding is eating you alive is a trial HRT (with Dr. care of course). E in a guy is bad mojo. E in a girl is divine. Pretty simple in that light ;) It might be a thought to discuss with your therapist.
Blessed Be.
:angel:
Quote from: Kimberly on April 09, 2007, 02:21:53 AM
Meh. There is value in doing something BEFORE it gets to desperation. This or that situations are usually not as beneficial than if you have some control over the matter.
But as a side note one physical path to consider if not understanding is eating you alive is a trial HRT (with Dr. care of course). E in a guy is bad mojo. E in a girl is divine. Pretty simple in that light ;) It might be a thought to discuss with your therapist.
Dear Alice,
One potential side effect of no one listening to you is very irrational behavior. I think if a person is reasonably rational (regardless of it they have depression or not) and has made a reasonably effort in counseling then they can make a reasonable request for a trial run under the supervision of a TG doctor.
W
I think Wendy is making a very good point here. Go for it.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Quote from: Jillieann on April 08, 2007, 05:34:53 PM
I have these questions for you:
Do you enjoy your female feelings?
Or do you still wish they just would go away?
Do you want and need to be a women?
Or do you still want to go back to the way you use to be?
I have share with you that I feel female inside, but you said you didn't.
Has that changed?
I know you already understand that transitioning is no quick fix and is extreme reaction.
Hmm - wonder if I could convince myself, doctors and theripst that I am female. The at least I would have someone to go instead of been half man half woman.
I do enjoy the female feeling - sometimes I just dance arround the louge room when I have my skirt on - it is just within me. Perhaps I should stop thinking and listen to my feelings. All of my thinking is done in male - and sometimes I do wish this would just go away. But I feel so comfortable as a female and latly that wishing to be female has return - ever so slightly.
I think I just need time to see where my feelings want to take me and work on my identity. Do I want to look and feel like a woman for ever and a day?
Alice (alive and well)
Alice, you ask if you could "convince myself, doctors and therapist that I am female." Yes, you probably could. Whether it's the RIGHT decision is the main question, not whether you can talk yourself into it.
You say, "I do enjoy the female feeling - sometimes I just dance around the lounge room when I have my skirt on." I have mixed feelings about this sentence. Part of me wishes you would get over feelings of joy in dressing and moving around as a woman (not meaning to be blunt, but you need to ask yourself if you are a ->-bleeped-<- or a transsexual). The other part of me knows that little girls enjoy "dress-up" and we, as society, don't think anything about it because we realize that it's part of their formation in self-identity. Which one you are only you can answer. I offer these questions not as any kind of criticism but rather as, perhaps, trying to be a helpful (or unhelpful?) guide.
You ask, "Do I want to look and feel like a woman forever and a day?" It's an important question to ask and, perhaps when you stop needing to ask the question, you will know the answer. That sounds like a mystical conclusion but perhaps it's accurate.
Good luck in whatever road you choose.
Teri Anne
Quote from: Teri Anne on April 10, 2007, 10:53:35 PM
Alice, you ask if you could "convince myself, doctors and therapist that I am female." Yes, you probably could. Whether it's the RIGHT decision is the main question, not whether you can talk yourself into it.
You say, "I do enjoy the female feeling - sometimes I just dance around the lounge room when I have my skirt on." I have mixed feelings about this sentence. Part of me wishes you would get over feelings of joy in dressing and moving around as a woman (not meaning to be blunt, but you need to ask yourself if you are a ->-bleeped-<- or a transsexual). The other part of me knows that little girls enjoy "dress-up" and we, as society, don't think anything about it because we realize that it's part of their formation in self-identity. Which one you are only you can answer. I offer these questions not as any kind of criticism but rather as, perhaps, trying to be a helpful (or unhelpful?) guide.
You ask, "Do I want to look and feel like a woman forever and a day?" It's an important question to ask and, perhaps when you stop needing to ask the question, you will know the answer. That sounds like a mystical conclusion but perhaps it's accurate.
Good luck in whatever road you choose.
Teri Anne
Hay Teri,
I do not mind you been blunt - it is probably what I need right now - to pull mt head in and figure out what to do before depression takes me somewhere awful :'( (a few very bad thoughts are creeping back in).
I keep on telling people I am in the middle of the genders and thats more acurate then I relise. I can still function as a man but I am starting to relax and recognise the easy in which I can function as a female. If I had a bet I would say I am going towards being a female full time. There will be times when I pull back and want my old self back but overall GID is slowly doing it's stuff.
Alice
Old self? *shudder* All my 'old self' was was a tortured girl in a boy suit, in a boy role, in an alien boy life.
While probably not of any value but as a data point, I have never wanted my old self back.
Quote from: Yvonne on April 06, 2007, 07:50:43 PM
Quote from: Alice on April 06, 2007, 07:40:49 PM
I am not unhappy as a guy - it is just sometime being a girl would be a better fit.
Alice
You just said something that a transsexual would never say. You're "not unhappy as a guy" - it is just "sometimes" beign a girl would be a better fit. Listen to your specialist and forget about transition.
Well I must say I struggled answering this for a long time - the question about am I happy as a guy how much does GID affect me and how much is my Medication masking my pain.
I just read and so related to this from another thread.
Quote from: Kassandra on April 11, 2007, 05:35:10 PM
Nothing you have external to yourself will mean anything if you spend most of your waking hours in clinical depression. A wonderful family, nice house, good job, and everything else will have no meaning.
.
.
But! You knew there was a "but" in all this.
If you do have this terrible blessing, transitioning is the most wonderful thing in life! It is the blessing. Life takes on colors and aspects that you have never seen. Since I came out to myself and started down the path to where I am today, I have found out that after 55 years on this planet, I can find joy in life. Doors have opened for me that I never knew were there. I have a new found spirituality that replaced the cynicism in my life. I have found Goddess in a grain of sand, and the world is in my heart.
This is what awaits you.
And here you probably thought it was just about dressing up...
-Sandy
I remember back to the time before my Meds last year - some of my darkest day. Going behind the shed at running and crying and then driving home thinking I should not do anything silly. Waking up at night just wanting my pain to end. I was so fearful of myself knowing what I had been thinking of day and night.
Depression got me into this mess - I wonder all the time what it will take to get out.
So am I happy as a guy. If that type of depression returns when I finally come of my meds I will not be a happy guy. In fact my life would probably end very quick if I just try and walk away from this. Sometime the depression does poke through my pills and I thinking about endding it like yesterday when I saw the perfact truck to run in front of.
I am looking for a way out of depression and fully accepting myself is one of the keys.
Alice
Dear AA,
Depression and TG issues seem to weave themselves together for many.
Quote from: Alice on April 11, 2007, 09:02:30 PM
Depression got me into this mess - I wonder all the time what it will take to get out.
So am I happy as a guy. If that type of depression returns when I finally come of my meds I will not be a happy guy. In fact my life would probably end very quick if I just try and walk away from this. Sometime the depression does poke through my pills and I thinking about endding it like yesterday when I saw the perfact truck to run in front of.
I am looking for a way out of depression and fully accepting myself is one of the keys.
If your doctors have found a combination of meds that makes your depression manageable then you should be able to continue that treatment for your life. It sounds as if depression is a bigger demon than TG for you in the short run.
Please take care of yourself.